


When We Were Young

by AssbuttYourLife



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Child Death, Childhood, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, F/M, Fire, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Long Shot, Memories, Minor Character Death, Moving On, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Serious Injuries, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Smut, Therapy, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Violence, young misha
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2018-11-29 11:54:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 28
Words: 139,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11440335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssbuttYourLife/pseuds/AssbuttYourLife
Summary: After her grandmother's funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.





	1. Family

**Author's Note:**

> I was deeply touched after watching a video of Misha tearing up telling us the story of an old man who helped him and his family when he was a kid. I started daydreaming about it, and I couldn't get it out of my head, so I decided to write it down.
> 
> Even if it's based on Misha's real past and what he kindly chose to share with us, I do not know him personaly (or any of the real characters mentionned in this story), and a lot of my work is just out of my weird and twisted imagination.
> 
> Though Misha won't appear in the first three chapters, he is mentionned in every single one. I needed the back story to be settled before throwing him in Lily's life.
> 
> Keep in mind this is my first fic ever, and english is not my native language, but I had the incredible luck to find the most patient beta ever to help me: @mariesondetre. Go check her fics, she's way more talented than I am and she's a lovely person ;)
> 
> Also, no hate towards Vicki or any member of Misha's family here, I truly respect Misha's personal life and I just didn't want to pretend he wasn't married.

“Ugh, that smell!” Lily exclaimed, unable to suppress her gag reflex. That was a _stupid_ idea really. Here they were, at 11pm, burning stuff on a beach in Seattle in order to move on after a horrible break up... like silly teenagers! She was thirty-eight, for God's sake!

“You okay, sweetie?” Katie asked, suddenly worried, gently laying a hand on Lily's shoulder. She had weird and silly ideas sometimes, but she was Lily's best friend and she deeply loved that woman. She had known her for a very long time. They had met when Lily was seventeen and Katie was fifteen, back when she started her new life in France, when everything in her life was chaos, and she owed her a lot. So much! They never left each other again and when Lily had the opportunity to go back in the US, it was just obvious to bring Katie with her. They just couldn't live apart from each other. Katie had been here when Lily was completely lost and she was very grateful for that.

“Yeah, I just hate that smell with all of my guts.”

“What smell? Fire? I like it.”

“Yeah. You know perfectly why I hate it. And what are we anyway? Twelve?”

“Oh come on, Lily! You found that bastard in bed with one of your coworkers! In YOUR bed, right after your grandmother's funeral! Really that's the least you could do, he's just lucky I don't burn _him_ alive for what he did to you.”

“Don't say that...”

“Sorry... I didn't mean to... I just mean – ”

“Whatever.” Lily interrupted. “Let's get this over with and go home. I'm tired and I have a fucking long day waiting for me tomorrow. If I have to deal with her stupid face at work, I need at least to be as pretty as I can for her to be super jealous and hate me as much as I hate her, which means I need my beauty rest.”

“Yes... because you're old now so beauty rest is not an option anymore, right?” Katie said with a huge grin on her face.

She actually made Lily laugh with her comment.

“You're over thirty too, moron, I can see your wrinkles even from here! That means you need it too! Let's go.”

“Alright grandma, let's roll!” Katie answered playfully, dancing on the beach, happy to go back home after such an awful day.

 

When they arrived at their place in Seattle, it was already late. They both lived in the same apartment complex near the ocean, but not on the same floor. Lily's apartment was on the second floor and Katie lived right up on the third floor.

“Goodnight Kat. And thank you for everything.” Lily hugged her friend tight.

“You're welcome, Lily. We'll laugh about it in a while, you'll see.”

“Sure. Try not to be late tomorrow.” Lily winked at her best friend before entering her apartment and closing the door behind her. Katie was _always_ late and she _always_ had an excuse. It became a game to mock her about it and she had to admit the more she tried to find a good excuse, the more Lily enjoyed teasing her.

“You know me!” she heard Katie scream through the door. _God, Katie, the neighbors_!

Lily turned on the light, threw her keys on the kitchen counter and went straight to the bathroom. She needed a shower before going to bed. Mostly to get rid of the horrible smell of fire that was still laying on her clothes, almost penetrating her skin.

As she stood under the warm spray of water, trying to relax, she sighed deeply and thought about her day. What a day... Her grandmother died last week; she was everything to her, literally the last member of her family, and now she was gone for good. Lily realized she was now truly alone, and she felt empty, sad and lost. She had not felt like that for a long time but there she was, crying in her shower, thinking about her family.

She was lucky to have friends to help her feel better, and she used to have a boyfriend too... but that was gone too. _God, that jerk!_ Who does that? Cheating on her was already terrible, but she had to find out _today_?? She threw those thoughts away for now, she had to focus on something else, she would have time to move on with her love life later.

So yes, she had very dear friends, like Katie, and some nice coworkers too ( _except that bitch_!), but it wasn't the same, they were not family. They were not home...

 

Home... as she finally laid in her bed, she thought about that word. Home.

Next week, she would have to go back where she grew up, where she had her most precious memories, the happiest part of her life, but also the scariest and the saddest when it ended.

_Home_ . She used to try so hard to forget and not think about it anymore. But after her grandma died, she couldn't think about something else, it was like losing it all over again, and as she was trying to fall asleep, she was still thinking about it. _Home_... She had a home, she had a family, she was loved, she was happy, and it had ended brutally.

 

 

********************************

 

_**August 1990. Nice – France.** _

 

“Elise Hagen?”

She stood up slowly and walked the few steps separating her from the woman who called her name.

Dr Dorville, psychiatrist, extended her hand, inviting her to come in her office. She entered the room and scanned it quickly. Yellowish walls, a huge wooden desk, two chairs, lots of books on shelves, a huge carpet on the floor, some plants and a few candles, a tissue box on the desk, a sofa near the window... _Typical_.

“Nice to meet you, Elise. I'm Dr Dorville. Please have a seat.” The doctor said with a nice smile.

“Thanks. I prefer Lily.”

“Alright Lily. Make yourself comfortable. Today I'm just going to ask you a few questions to know you better. You can relax.”

She sat, put her dark blond hair behind her ears, crossed her legs and swallowed deeply. She was so damn nervous. She didn't want to be here, in this office, in this country, on this freaking continent. Everything was different and she felt like an alien from another dimension. Lily noticed something strange right away though.

“You speak English?...” Lily asked shyly, almost ashamed.

“Yes.” Dr Dorville paused and looked at her, still smiling. “I know you're not from here and it must be hard for you to adapt when you don't even speak the language, so I thought I could at least make the effort. Don't mind my terrible accent though, I just can't help it. Plus I need you to be as honest and open as possible and I'm pretty sure you can't do that if you speak a foreign language and can't find your words, right?”

“Right.” Lily agreed. She at least could appreciate that this woman was trying to make her feel less weird and more comfortable. That was kind of a good start. Plus the french accent was kinda cute, to be honest.

“So, let's start easy.” The doctor sat behind her desk and checked her computer. “Your full name is Elise Grace Hagen, you're 16, born June 9th 1974 in Hartford, am I correct?” she asked nonchalantly.

“Yes.”

“How long have you been in Nice?”

“About a month.” Lily sighed. This was already super boring.

“Do you want to tell me about your family?” Dr Dorville asked cautiously.

“Do I have to? I'm pretty sure you already know everything you need to.”

“I know some indeed. I'd like to hear it from you though, if you don't mind.” She observed Lily silently until she spoke again.

“Fine.” Lily sighed and looked down at her hands, playing with her fingers. “I was living in a huge farm in Northfield with my mother and my little brother. My grandmother lived a few miles away in Litchfield. My father passed when I was ten in a car accident.” She spoke too fast and then stopped, still playing nervously with her fingers, not wanting to give too many details. She knew she would have to eventually, but it was her first session and she wasn't ready yet.

“What was your brother's name? How old was he?” The doctor asked, and Lily couldn't help noticing she used the past tense.

“Ryan... He was six,” was all Lily could answer.

“Any other relatives?”

“No. I don't have a big family. It was just us.”

“Would you say you felt lonely because you had a small family?”

_Here we are... the how do you feel questions_.

“No. We had a lot of friends.”

“So you had a great social life then?”

“Yes. My grandfather was a great man, he was respected because he did a lot of good around him, especially for the kids in our area, so everybody kinda knew us thanks to that, more or less.”

“Where is your grandfather now? You didn't mention him earlier.”

“He passed away a few years ago. He was older than my grandma.”

“I see. That's a lot of deaths for such a small family. I'm sorry to hear that, Lily.” Dr Dorville said honestly.

“Yeah... That was just the beginning though. But you know that already, am I wrong?” Lily started to be pissed: so many useless questions when she knew the doctor had her file right on her damn computer.

“Of course not. I have your file indeed, but you're here to talk about yourself, right? If you can't even talk about the basic facts about you and your family, I'm afraid it's gonna be a problem to talk about what happened recently. Don't worry, we'll get through that, but not today. I just need you to trust me, I'm here to help you. You know that, right?”

Lily could feel the lump in her throat, but she knew she had to move on and she couldn't do it alone.

“Yes.” She honestly answered.

“Good. So... You said you were living in a huge farm with your mother and your six year-old brother... That sounds like a lot to deal with for a single woman and two kids. How were you managing?”

“We could afford some help from local farmers, money was never a problem for us, and we often had people staying at our house.”

“People?”

“Yes, umm... My mom and my grandparents liked to help people in need and we had a big house, so they thought it was normal to help as much as we could.”

“That's very generous. Was there someone living with you when... when it happened?”

Lily noticed the hesitation in her voice, and she was actually glad she avoided that subject for now.

“There was a family, yes... A single mother and her two sons. My mom and her had become good friends a few years before, and when Mom heard they were in town but homeless, she wanted to help. So she offered them to stay with us.”

“Did you like these people too?”

“Yes. They are... They were very good people.” She swallowed the lump in her throat again.

“Then why won't you name them?”

“Why should I?”

“Because they were real people... Naming them is part of the process.”

_That fucking past tense again!_

Yes they _were_ real people and now they're all _gone_ so what's the point?

Dr Dorville was silent again, patiently waiting for Lily's answer, not pushing but looking her in the eyes with a sympathetic smile on her face.

“Rebecca, Sasha, and Misha.” Oh, the fucking load of guilt that just punched through her heart when she actually voiced their names!

“There.” The doctor smiled once more. “I know this is hard for you, but you're doing really great. How old were Sasha and Misha?”

_Oh please, God, will this be over soon?_

She fidgeted uncomfortably in her chair and sighed deeply again.

“Sasha was thirteen and Misha was sixteen.”

“Oh, so Misha was your age, did you go to school together?”

Lily really started to lose her patience here.

“For a little while only. They were traveling quite often and I was going to a private school they couldn't afford.”

“Ok, that's good!” The Doctor said with a sincere smile. “So I have one last question for you and I promise it will be over.” The woman paused and put her arms on the desk, crossing her fingers and staring directly in Lily's eyes.

_Why do I have a bad feeling about this?_ Lily silently asked herself.

“What are you expecting from our sessions?”

Oh... good question. She was the shrink, she was supposed to know that much better than anyone, right? Lily sighed again but took her time to think about her answer, and her eyes turned a little darker.

“I would like...” she started and thought again, “I want to forget my past, stop hurting and move on with my life.” Tears were now threatening to fall but she managed to blink them away.

“Why would you want to forget your past?”

“You said only _one_ more question...”

“Humor me.”

“Because it hurts too much.” Lily couldn't hold her tears back at that point, and she mentally cursed herself, but she suddenly couldn't stop speaking.

“I can't go on with my life if I'm obsessed with the bad things that happened to my family, and I'm scared of what I could do if I keep being obsessively guilty about it. I don't want my grandma to worry about me, she's been through enough already, I just don't want to be a burden for her.”

Where did that come from? She did not plan to talk that much on her first session.

“This is the point, Lily: you can't change your past, and you can have your life back even when you remember everything that happened to you. Good or bad. That's why I'm here, I'll make sure you can deal with your past and use it to move on without forgetting who you are or trying to be someone else. And I will prove you that you're not guilty of anything, and you're certainly not a burden for your grandmother who loves you enough to fly to another continent to start all over. Do you believe we can do that together?”

“I... I don't know.”

“It's okay. You're probably lost right now and it's totally understandable, but I can assure you we can do this, taking baby steps, and it's gonna be okay in the end. That is, if you really want it, though.”

“I do,” she answered honestly.

“Alright then. I guess it's gonna be it for today. You did really great I'm very proud of you. We're going to dig a little deeper next time, but don't worry, I will never push you past your limits, I promise. As long as you trust me, it's going to be fine.”

“Alright. I'll try.”

“Great! See you next week, then? Try to keep yourself busy until then. I'm sure that won't be a problem, considering you need to start a new life in a new country.” Dr Dorville stood up and extended her hand to Lily.

“Yeah,” she scoffed, but shook her hand anyway. “That will be so easy. Goodbye, Doctor.”

“See you soon, Lily.”

She left Dr Dorville's office with mixed feelings after that first session. Lots of bad feelings, but still a little sparkle of hope, and it felt good to hope again.

 


	2. FIRE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily remembers the most tragic night of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter 2, you'll learn what happened to Lily and Misha when they were young.
> 
> Again, big thank you to my beta Mariesondetre :)

Lily woke up quite disturbed the next morning. She hadn’t slept that much, and the few rest she managed to have was full of nightmares.

_Ugh, get up Lily, you can do this, it’s Friday!_

She went to the kitchen, made some coffee and sat in her comfy sofa with her laptop to check her emails and Facebook. She did that every morning because she needed time to wake up slowly, and there was nothing else she could do without caffeine in her body. She was the grumpy type of person in the morning, and if you dared messing with her before coffee, she would probably eat you alive.

When she opened her emails, she wasn’t surprised to find a lot of condolences and people sending her their best wishes, mostly coworkers, neighbors or friends. She would eventually have to answer to all of them… _But not today_.

Same on her Facebook: friends from Nice, Katie’s family, some old high school and college mates all sending compassionate messages and wishes. It actually made her feel a little better to read all of these nice words from people she hadn’t seen for a long time.

When it was done and she was pumped up with caffeine, she went to her bedroom to get dressed. She opened her closet and sighed heavily. When her boss and friend David told her to stay home the whole week after her grandmother passed, she insisted on working today because she didn’t want to stay at home crying, remembering good times and feeling sorry for herself, but she was now regretting her decision because she would have to deal with Hayley, a.k.a. the slut who was in her bed yesterday right after the funeral, riding her boyfriend and screaming for more at the top of her lungs.

_Ugh, how the hell am I going to deal with her?_

She took a deep breath before picking her clothes. She opted for a simple white strap dress with gold sandals. Simple but sexy; she had to prove she was fine and ready to move on, and she wanted to prove Hayley her point: she was older, yes, but still not too old to look good enough to catch men’s eyes.

_She will regret being born._

But then Lily looked at herself in the mirror and all she saw were dark circles, tiny wrinkles, and her long dark red hair in a huge mess. She definitely had to take the time to apply make-up… lots of make-up.

 _She’s_ _twenty-nine_ _and you’re_ _thirty-eight_ _, what did you expect?_

She put on some make-up, tied her hair in a long wavy ponytail, put a black leather jacket to hide the ugly scar on her back that she hated, took her case and stepped out of her apartment. She had one more mission before leaving for work, and not the least: going to Katie’s and check if she was _on time_. She climbed the few stairs separating her from Katie’s floor and knocked on her door, praying that she would at least be awake.

Katie opened the door. _Thank God she’s up!_

“Hey Kat! I’m really proud of you, you’re actually up and…almost dressed.” Lily gave a quick hug to her friend who was standing half asleep in front of her. She pushed the door and entered fast.

“Hey.” Katie answered unamused.

“Come on, sleepy head, we have to go! You have exactly eight minutes to be fully ready, and that also means you won't have time to eat, so brace yourself, we'll get something on the way. You better hurry or the guys will be pissed!”

“Hhhmmffffff…” was all Lily heard for an answer.

After a long and painful time to get ready, the two women were finally in Lily’s car driving to work.

They both worked at the Seattle Symphony as professional musicians: Lily in the first violin section and Katie played the flute. Music was an endless passion for Lily, and as far as she could remember, she always played an instrument. She started studying piano when she was three, and violin when she turned seven.

It was also how she met Katie; back in France, when Dr Dorville had asked her what she liked to do outside of school, Lily answered she loved playing music, so the doctor suggested she played in Nice's orchestra, and she met Katie, who had already been playing there for two years. Music was like a second therapy; Lily could express her emotions through her instrument, and she practiced so hard, trying to keep her mind out of her dark past, that she became a very talented and perfectionist musician.

When Lily wanted to go back to America years later at the age of twenty-eight, she couldn't leave without Katie, who had become like her sister, and was absolutely thrilled to go with her to live “the American Dream” as she liked to call it. They both had no difficulty impressing the conductor and persuading him to hire them both.

  


They miraculously arrived at work on time, and Lily tried her best not to cross Hayley's path, but it was impossible since she played cello, which meant she was positioned in the section right in front of her.

_Of course... Cello... I should've guessed she loves spreading her legs!_

Fortunately, the day went by pretty normal and eventless, and when they went back home, it was time for them to start packing, because Lily had to go spend the weekend in Northfield, where she grew up, to take care of her grandmother's last will. Of course, Katie had insisted to go with her; there was no way she could face that alone, and she also admitted that she was pretty curious to finally see where Lily had spent her childhood.

Katie was quick to pack, and when she came to Lily's apartment to check if she was ready to leave for the airport, she found her friend on her knees, in front of her closet, crying over her suitcase with piles of clothes everywhere in the room.

“Lily? What's wrong?”

When Lily looked up at her friend, Katie's heart broke a little. She was a mess, mascara smeared under her eyes, sniffing through her tears.

“I can't do it, Katie,” she sobbed.

Katie knelt next to her and took her hand. “Do what? Packing? Yeah I can see that!”

“No! Going back there! I'm so scared...”

It had been more than twenty years and she never went back. Not once. Running away and ignoring her pain was easier than facing her demons. Weak and cowardly, yes, but much easier.

The house she once shared with her mom and her brother was probably still there, she didn't even know in what shape it was, if it burnt completely or not, but she always refused to go back and face the ghosts of her past. The domain was her grandmother's property, along with her grandparents' house in Litchfield. Now that they were all gone, it was Lily's legacy, so she had to take care of it. She owed that to her family, especially to her grandfather who had worked too hard for all of this to be left behind. She had to honor their memories or she wouldn't be able to look at herself in a mirror for the rest of her life. But what was she supposed to do? Sell it? It kinda didn't feel right, but what else could she do?

“I'll be with you. I won't leave your side, I promise. It will be fine, Lily, don't worry. I know it must be hard for you but you'll probably feel a ton better after all. And it will certainly help you moving on for good and be over with it once and for all.”

“Yeah... I hope you're right. Thanks, Katie, I'm sorry I overreacted.” Lily wiped her face before giving Katie a hug.

“Sure. It's normal, you had a hard week. Oh, and you know what I just noticed? You, my dear, are the one who's late now, and I'm _not_.” Katie proudly said, grinning.

Lily had to giggle to that and nodded to her friend. She really had to hurry or they would miss their flight.

“Who knew _that_ could happen?... Alright, I'll hurry.”

Katie nodded with a smile and pushed her large black glasses up her nose before helping her friend.

When everything was finally in order, David drove them to the airport, and with lots of doubts and fears, Lily and Katie were flying to Connecticut. Lily was about to make a twenty-two years step back in her past, and she was utterly terrified.

She closed her eyes and thought about the last time she was there. She didn't think she would come back one day; she wished her time in France and the therapy had healed everything, but she obviously was wrong.

  


 

 

**************************************

**August 1990. Nice – France**

 

 

“So, Lily... How have you been since our last session?” Dr Dorville sat behind her desk, crossing her legs.

“I've known worse,” Lily answered honestly. A week had passed since her last session. She had tons of things to do before she could start her senior high school year in Nice, plus she had to learn at least enough french to not look like a total idiot in front of her future classmates and teachers, so her mind was too busy to think about something else.

“I'm sure you have. So... Let's not waste any time. I told you we would dig deeper today, and that's exactly what we're about to do.” She took her note pad and clicked her pen open.

_Uh oh..._

“I would like to talk about the recent events that led you and your grandmother to move here,” she stated with determination in her voice.

“You mean the fire?”

“Yes... Among other things. Do you feel you can tell me what happened that night? I think it's something you need to get off your chest now because it was traumatic, and as long as we avoid the subject, you won't be able to make any progress in your healing process.”

_Traumatic? No kidding._

Lily sighed and closed her eyes. She didn't know if she was ready for this.

“I... I can try.” It was almost a whisper.

“Alright. If you feel like it's too much for you, just tell me and we'll stop.”

“Ok... I don't even know where to start though. Some parts are a little blurry too.”

“It's okay, I'll help you. It is normal if you can't recall everything in details. Do you remember the date it happened?”

Lily braced herself and answered “June 29 th ?” She wasn't even sure about the date, so it came out more as a question.

“It was actually June 30 th  already, but very early in the morning, it was still night time.” Dr Dorville corrected nicely.

“Oh. Right. It makes sense.” She shrugged.

“So you were sleeping in your room, right?”

“Yes. Something woke me up.” Lily was very hesitant. It was so strange to talk about that with her. She knew she could trust her therapist and Dr Dorville wasn't so bad really, but she sort of felt naked in front of her and that wasn't the best sensation.

“What was it?” she encouraged.

“Well... Misha woke me up, actually.” Silence fell in the room and Dr Dorville looked up from her notes and tilted her head.

“Misha? The son of your mom's friend?”

“Yes, umm... We both fell asleep in my room. I suppose he heard something, or it was the smell, I don't know, and then he realized something was wrong and he woke me up.”

The doctor wrote something on her notepad and looked up again. Lily could feel she was very curious about her story, but she wouldn't elaborate too much, she didn't need to know everything in details.

“I see. What did you do next?”

“Not much... He told me to get up, that we had to go out. I was still half asleep, I didn't understand what was happening. I thought he was just messing with me. But then... I smelled smoke and I realized he could be serious, so I got up and we went for the door.” The scene was vivid in Lily's mind. She could almost smell it again, she could still hear the urge in Misha's voice in her head. It was scary to remember.

“Were you afraid?”

“Not right away... I didn't know how bad it was and Misha was still pretty calm, so I didn't feel threatened.”

“I've read in your file that you were found in your room. Why didn't you leave right away?”

“When Misha tried to open the door, something fell in the hallway, blocking it. We were trapped. I saw flames through the door and it became hard to breathe, because there was smoke in my room too.” She cleared her throat and paused to take a deep breath. She could feel the lump forming already.

“Take your time, Lily, you're safe here. Let me get you some water.” Dr Dorville stood up and left the room. She quickly came back with a small water bottle and a cup that she put in front of Lily on the desk. It wasn't much really, but Lily thought she was a nice woman, and she felt a little more comfortable. She drank some water and felt ready to go on.

“I was scared at that point. I kinda froze. Misha took my hand, led us to the window and opened it, but my room was in the attic, we couldn't jump, it was too high.”

“Did you know where your family was in that moment? Where _his_ family was?”

“Well... I heard Ryan screaming for my mom at some point, so I suppose she was near his room to get him out. Rebecca was outside when Misha opened the window. She told him she had already called 911 and asked Misha to stay in the room with the door closed and someone would come to get us quick. I don't know where Sasha was.”

“She just waited outside?” Dr Dorville couldn't hide her surprise.

“No, no! She came back inside, to help my mom I guess. I heard her call for us from downstairs a few moments later. She probably wanted to come and get us out, but she couldn't, something was obviously in the way, I don't know what. All I know is no one could come up by the stairs, or they would have, they wouldn't have just let us burn in the attic.” There was anger in Lily's voice, and she was a bit disappointed that Dr Dorville suggested they'd given up.

“Is it ok for you to go on?” She asked very gently. Lily closed her eyes for a few seconds and nodded, but the lump in her throat was very heavy now.

“How did you feel? What happened next?”

“I... I was terrified, and I knew Misha was trying to stay calm for my sake but he was scared too. We couldn't breathe, we were both coughing, so we sat on the floor at the foot of my bed, in front of the window. He tried to make me feel better but it was impossible. It was hot, there was smoke everywhere, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, all I could hear was wood cracking everywhere and my mom and Rebecca screaming from downstairs but I couldn't understand a word. I was panicking so Misha hugged me, but he was choking badly.”

“So you just waited for help, then?” When Dr Dorville asked that question, Lily almost felt attacked. She was already feeling super guilty, she didn't need to feel like they didn't do everything to get out.

“There was nothing we could do and nowhere else to go anymore!” she answered harshly.

“I know, Lily, no reproach here, I'm not here to judge. I'm just trying to have the maximum information to be able to understand and then help you. Sorry if I was a little too direct.”

Lily didn't answer. She was starting to feel angry, but probably more at herself, because she knew what happened next and she didn't really want to face it.

“Let me rephrase then: did you believe someone could get you out before it was too late?”

“I still had hope, yes. And then...” She shut her eyes tight and kept them shut when she spoke again “... Misha collapsed in my arms because he stopped breathing and I completely lost it. I laid him on the floor and tried to wake him up, I was calling his name again and again and I was shaking him but he didn't show any sign of life.” That was the most painful thing she ever felt, someone dying in her arms and her being totally helpless.

“We're almost done, Lily... But I will understand if you want to stop here.” Dr Dorville announced, and Lily truly considered finishing the session here and go back home. When she opened her eyes, tears fell down. Dr Dorville handed her the tissue box. She took one, wiped her eyes, and she surprised herself when she started talking again.

“I was feeling very dizzy and I was choking too. This is where I lost hope and thought I was going to die. I don't know why, but I took the blanket from my bed, I laid down on top of Misha and put the blanket on my back, probably to protect us from the fire, which is ridiculous because... blankets burn too, obviously.” Lily said sarcastically, showing the patched burn wound in her back.

“Then the firemen found you?”

“No. I wasn't conscious when they found us. After I put the blanket on us, I called Misha again but I knew it was pointless, then my vision went blank and I think I lost consciousness, and I don't know how much time passed until they finally found us and took us out... Enough time to get my back burnt, though.”

That was it. She did it... She managed to tell the whole story of that awful night. It was hard, it did hurt like a bitch, but she thought it was a tiny victory nonetheless.

“What is the first thing you remember after that?”

She thought for a few seconds.

“Waking up in the hospital, my grandmother in tears next to my bed, holding my hand. I was very confused at first, but when I started remembering what just happened, I asked her where was everyone and this is when she told me everyone was...” Lily paused, unable to say the word “dead”.

Dr Dorville spoke softly then. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“What can be more personal than the story I just told you?”

The doctor gave Lily a shy smile full of empathy and asked: “What kind of feelings did you have for Misha?”

_Ah... didn't see that one coming._

It was indeed a very personal question, and though Lily knew exactly what the answer was, she didn't really see the point and she thought it was weird to say it out loud to a psychiatrist. But she was here to move on, right? So she looked Dr Dorville in the eyes and answered honestly.

“I loved him.” Tears flowed down her face and her chest ached because she realized it was in the past, done for good.

Dr Dorville pushed a little more. “Was it mutual?”

“Yes.”

That was a very direct and self-assured answer, which surprised Dr Dorville. How could a sixteen year-old girl be so sure about someone's feelings and say it so plainly after relating such a dramatic story?

“You seem pretty sure of it.” It picked her curiosity for sure.

“I am. But who cares now, he's gone.”

“That's... uncommon. Especially for someone your age. Most people often doubt when it comes to feelings.” the doctor explained, still surprised by her boldness.

“I don't. Are we done for today, Doctor?” Lily was on edge. She obviously didn't want to talk about it. Dr Dorville nodded.

“Yes, Lily. I am extremely proud of you, that was a huge step. I'm not going to keep you here any longer, you can go. I will see you next week.”

Lily stood up.

“Thank you, Doctor.”

She shook her hand and rushed out.

  


  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't remember when or where, but Misha did indeed talk about a fire at his house when he was a kid, destroying a lot of memories. He didn't give any specific details, but it definitely happened.
> 
> Please, review :)


	3. HOME SWEET HOME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily goes back to Litchfield to deal with her grandmother's last will. With Katie, she will go through all the places she loved when she was young.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter about Lily's childhood, no flashback this time, but lots of memories.
> 
> Misha will appear in the next one ;)

They arrived in Hartford's airport early on Saturday morning after a very long and exhausting flight.

“Of course your hometown had to be on the opposite end of the continent.” Katie said to Lily, not hiding her sarcasm.

“You never do things the easy way, do you?”

They were waiting for their taxi in front of the airport, and Lily was so tired she could barely keep her eyes open.

“Nope. Never. Where's the fun if it's too easy?” She answered with the same sarcastic tone, even if she could easily understand why Katie was grumpy.

“By the way, remind me to thank the guy who invented coffee.” She shook her cup carefully.

They jumped in the taxi as soon as it was here a few minutes later.

“So... Where do we go from here?” Katie asked, making herself comfortable in the backseat.

“Our hotel in Litchfield.”

“Is it far from here?” Katie hoped that it would not be too long. They had traveled for more than eight hours and she just needed to settle and relax a little bit.

“About an hour.”

Katie's eyes popped wide open.

“Oh my god! That long? I'm so freaking tired, I need to sleep now,” She whined.

“Why didn't you sleep in the plane?”

“Oh, you mean right next to the old smelly guy snoring like a chainsaw?”

Lily sighed. She had a good point though, that man was just filthy and super annoying.

“Listen, I'm tired too and I'm really not in the mood to hear you complaining for one more hour, so if you don't sleep right now in the cab, I will definitely knock you out.”

Katie feigned a shocked expression, eyes and mouth wide open.

“You wouldn't!... Plus I kinda can't sleep right now... I'm too excited to see where you spent your childhood.”

Lily scoffed. “Why? There is not much to see really, I lived in a farm, so... lots and lots of fields and barns and trees.” 

“Yeah, I know that, but... you've never told me much, and I have to say I'm curious about it.”

“You're the one who knows the most about my childhood, believe me...”

She lolled her head and rolled her eyes, thinking harder.

“Actually my shrink is, but if it can make you feel better, I've never told anyone else. Not even my boyfriends.”

“Really? Not even Peter?” Katie asked surprised. She knew Lily didn't like to talk about her childhood, but Peter had been her boyfriend for eight years and it was pretty serious; she didn't understand how she could keep all those things inside.

“ _Especially_ not Peter.” Lily insisted.

“I know he was kind of a jerk sometimes, but nobody's perfect, you were close to each other for sure... isn't it normal to share everything with your man? Even your darkest side and your deepest fears? I know _I_ do.”

When Lily didn't answer, Katie knew she had to change the subject.

She tried something, being the nosy brat that she always was.

“Talking about men... Do we have a chance to bump into one of your ex-boyfriends? That would be so much fun, haha!”

“Sorry to disappoint, but that's not possible.”

“You don't know that, most people stay in the same area their whole life. Oh my god, that would be so damn awkward and funny!”

“Katie, will you please chill? I had only one boyfriend before I met you, and he died with my family.”

Katie looked at her friend and didn't say anything at first; she was a bit surprised, Lily was a very pretty woman, so she assumed she had lots of boyfriends at school, but now she felt bad for bringing it up.

“Oh... Sorry, I thought... I didn't know. That's another thing you never mentioned.”

“It's okay. I've moved on. Relax!” Lily chuckled to lighten the mood.

Katie felt a little guilty for reminding her of that night with her stupid comment, but she also was a very nosy person, and she couldn't help asking questions about it.

“Will you tell me about him one day? You never even said his name.”

Lily looked out the window absentmindly.

“His name was Misha.”

“Ohhh like Misha Collins! And me who thought he was the only man called Misha in America haha! Now I have a lot of dirty thoughts flowing to my mind.”

Lily turned her head to look at her friend with one eyebrow raised up.

“And who the heck is Misha Collins?” she asked, confused.

Katie snorted.

“Oh geez! you really should watch more TV. He's just sex on legs, you have no idea what you're missing.”

She scoffed. “Yeah, like I have time to watch TV.”

She was very busy with her work, and when she didn't work she was practicing, and when she wasn't practicing she was dancing. She always loved dancing and it was her way to relax.

“I don't even own a TV”.

“It's almost sad. I'll educate you one of these days, I promise.”

Lily burst out laughing and Katie joined her soon enough. The rest of the ride was quieter and they even managed to fall asleep for a while.

There were a few places they had to stop by during their trip in Connecticut. First of all, they needed to go get the official papers and Lily's grandmother's testament from the notary. Lily had indeed her grandmother's ashes with her, but she didn't have a clue about what she was supposed to do with the urn. She was pretty sure she left something about it in her testament though, so that's why it was the first step. She couldn't mess this up.

Second stop would be to the cemetery, where her dad, mother and brother were buried. The last time she went there was a couple weeks after her mom and Ryan's funeral, to say goodbye before leaving to France with her grandma. She just couldn't come back here and not visit it.

Then, they would go to her grandmother's house in Lichtfield, and last but not least, they would go to Lily's house on the farm property that burnt in Northfield. If possible, Lily would show Katie some places she liked when she was young too, but they didn't know how much time they would have, so they didn't plan too much.

They arrived at the notary's offices around 11 am. Lily didn't want to spend much time in this place, so she didn't talk much, listened carefully what the old man in front of her explained, signed whatever she had to really fast and picked the documents and the keys he gave her. She just needed a quiet and empty place to read her grandmother's last will now, because she had to find out where she had to put the urn.

She thought about going back to the hotel to read it, but then she remembered that when she was young and wanted to be alone in a calm and beautiful place, she went to a specific spot in Brook Park, where she could sit in the grass and enjoy the sound of the waterfall and the birds singing. This is exactly where they led next.

 

After walking around the park to show Katie the few places she loved, they both sat on a bench near the waterfall and Lily opened the envelop. Of course her grandmother had written a letter, Lily was not surprised. She sighed deeply for courage, took and unfolded it with trembling fingers and started reading.

 

_My sweet Lily,_

_I know these moments must be very painful for you, and this letter will probably be as hard for you to read as it is for me to write now, so I will try to keep it short._

_I'm getting old and I don't want to leave this world without sharing some last few thoughts with you. I don't know when you'll be able to read these words, I wish as late as possible, but what I want to tell you is true now and it will be true forever, so I'm gonna write it down when I still have the opportunity._

_God can do anything. He could have given you a happy life full of joy and a huge family to share your days. I know that you think he gave up on you and took everything from you, first your dad, my precious son who I can't wait to meet again, then your amazing grandfather, the love of my life, your sweet and lovely mother, my little Ryan, and even more. But God never gives up, and I am sure you will find your family one day. When you do, cherish it like I cherished mine, and when we meet again, tell me about it._

_Before you start your new life though, you will have to take care of a few boring and material things I left behind, like the properties in Connecticut. I can't tell you what to do with it, it will be your choice, but don't decide too fast if you want to sell them or not, you have time. Go back there, remember what it was before, focus on the good days, and don't do anything that feels wrong in your heart. Fate will give you the answers you need soon enough, trust me._

_If you're wondering where I want to rest, the answer is almost obvious, don't you think? With your grandfather, in the clearing behind the farm property. Don't be afraid to go back, this place is a part of you. It may hurt first, but you will be proud of yourself afterwards._

_I wish I could always be around to help you through the challenges of your life, but as it is physically not possible, I will spend the rest of your life guiding you from above, along with the rest of your family, until you join us._

_Finally, I will give you one last advice, and I want you to keep it forever and shape your life around it as mush as you can._

_I've read once that a wise man said: _“__  
_If one does what one can do to make the world a better place, that’s all God will ask... it is a job that can make your life worth living, no matter what else happens.”_

_It was your grandfather's philosophy and I think he did quite well. Follow his steps, be good, be kind, help the ones in need like we always did, and it will help you on the way._

_You are without a doubt the most precious thing life gave me, and I was very lucky to have you near me all those years. Be proud of yourself, my beautiful child, you are a fighter and you'll always win, don't even doubt it a second._

_Be strong, my sweet Lily._

_I love you forever._

_Grandma._

When she finished reading, Katie was surprised to see a smile on her friend's face. Lily wasn't sad. She was still grieving of course, but the letter she just read gave her the strength she needed. She knew it wouldn't be easy everyday, but she silently promised her grandmother to keep her advice in her heart and go along with it.

She stood up.

“Alright... it's 4 pm, we have time to go to the cemetery very quickly, and then I'll show you my grandmother's house. Is that okay with you?”

“Sure... But can we stop to eat first? I'm gonna faint if I don't eat right now.” Katie said, holding her stomach.

Lily laughed heartedly.

“Okay, I'm kinda hungry too, let's go buy something there.” She pointed at the food truck near the main road.

They ate on the way to not waste any time, then Lily stopped to buy some flowers and a few moments later, they arrived at the Litchfield East Cemetery, where her family was resting.

It was not a big place, and her family's grave wasn't something fancy. Just a simple tombstone with their family name carved on it. 'Hagen Family'. No pictures, no firstnames, no dates. She bent down to put the flowers on the stone and noticed something.

“Someone came to put some flowers.” Lily said surprised. Her parents were loved and respected by many here, but she immediately wondered who it could be, and she also felt a little ashamed because it was only the second time she had stopped here in two decades.

“Do you want to... say something?” Katie asked, a little uncomfortable. She hated cemeteries.

“Not really. There is nothing to say anyway.” She answered flatly. Katie could tell she was just trying very hard not to cry. Lily pressed two fingers to her mouth and brushed them on the carved name.

“Let's go.” She whispered.

“Wait... your boyfriend Misha isn't buried here with his family? Don't you want to... you know... visit it too?”

“No, they're not here. To be honest I don't know where they are. I tried to find out before leaving for France but nobody knew. Someone told me they rest near their father's place, which is hours from here.”

“Oh... okay. And where is your grandfather?”

Lily couldn't help but smiled when she thought about the answer to that question.

“He wanted his ashes to be scattered in the clearing next to the farm in Northfield. This is where he met my grandmother, and this is where they got married.”

“That sounds poetic.” Katie smiled.

“It's also where I will have to do the same with my grandma's ashes tomorrow.” Lily added.

“Oh God, it's just like in romantic movies. If we don't leave here soon and change the subject, I will cry a river.” Katie warned, and then shivered, not knowing if it was from being emotional or if it was just getting cold.

“Okay, okay... let's run then. I managed to hold back, but if you start crying I will lose it! Last stop for today : my grandma's house!”

She was serious, but she said it with a playful tone, taking her friend's hand and leading her to the car.

When they arrived in front of the house and Katie saw it, she couldn't believe her eyes.

“ ** _This_** is your grandmother's house?”

“Yep. Nice, uh?”

“This... **_THIS_** is your freaking grandma's house? No kidding?” she almost screamed. Lily stopped the car in the front yard and got out.

“YES, Katie, get out!”

“Okay uuuh.... can I ask you a question?? How loaded were your family exactly?”

Lily laughed while searching in her purse for the keys.

“Let's just say we had a lot of problems but money was not one of them. Come on!”

She almost ran towards the main entrance, pulling Katie with her, who stumbled every three seconds, too busy admiring the mansion instead of watching her steps.

Katie was impressed, she didn't expect that _at all_. She expected to see a tiny old house lost among others in the city, but It was _huge_ and absolutely stunning: a Victorian house with white and green wooden walls, very bright, with dark-gray tilted roofs, lots of windows and columns too, surrounded by a green yard with huge trees. There were three floors, and an octagonal tower on the front left.

“So, I'm gonna give you the grand tour and see what she left behind, then we can go back to the hotel and have a nice dinner and a long sleep!”

“Or we could stay here forever!” Katie said, still not believing her eyes.

“I love this place too, but it's been a while since anyone lived in here, so I don't even wanna know how many spiders can hide inside right now.”

Lily had three phobias: Fire, for obvious reasons, wasps and spiders. She was terrified every time she saw a tiny spider, and she could run as fast as an Olympic sprinter if she saw a wasp approaching her. It was irrational, she had no idea where it came from and she was ashamed of it because really, a girl being scared of spiders is super cliché and pathetic, but she had absolutely no control over it.

They entered the house and when they stepped in the front entry, they were immediately welcomed by a deep dusty and moldy smell.

“Eww! It's _really_ been a while since anyone cleaned this house!” Katie confirmed.

“Yeah... let's not take too long. Follow me.”

Lily showed her the whole house. It didn't take long since it was mostly empty, but there were a few covered furniture in some rooms, like the grand piano in the living room, or a few book shelves in the library. There was no power and no water. Then, they went outside in the courtyard, and Lily opened the garage that was in the back of the property, which was her grandfather's favorite place.

“Oh wow... your grandfather was handy, wasn't he? What's all that?”

The garage wasn't empty, it was still full of everything her grandfather made with the kids he took care of years ago, mostly wood work.

“Grandpa was helping kids his way... teaching them everything he could. He loved woodworking, so this is basically everything he made with them.” Lily explained. She walked among the shelves, looking at all the wooden animals, the tiny pieces of furniture, the toys, tools, lots of books, and some things she couldn't even recognize. She suddenly stopped in front of a small wooden plane and took it, a nostalgic smile appearing on her face.

“I remember this one... This is the first thing he made with Misha.” she weakly laughed, obviously remembering something funny.

“We were ten. My dad had just died. Grandpa was so affected by his death that he had to keep his mind busy with something positive, so he started teaching woodworking to Misha and Sasha and I was helping.”

 She laughed harder.

“He was so proud of that stupid plane.” She put it back on the shelf.

“This place is full of happy memories. It's been twenty-two years since I last stepped into this house but it still feels like it was yesterday.”

“I can see that.” Katie gave her friend a quick hug, deeply touched by her story.

“Can we go? I'm tired, all those emotions knocked me out. I suggest we go back to the hotel and we'll do the rest tomorrow.”

“Sounds good to me!”

Lily closed everything carefully, her heart heavy, leaving a part of herself behind her. They headed to the car and drove back to their hotel, done for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm looking for a new beta. If you want to help, please contact me.


	4. REUNION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily faces her demons and bump into an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it... Misha and Lily's reunion. Hope you enjoy! Let me know :)

 

 

On Sunday morning, after a bus ride, they found themselves in front of a wooden arrow that said “Hagen's Farm”.

Lily had the urn containing her grandmother's ashes in her backpack. She dreaded that part the most, as she didn't know what to expect.

She didn't ask anyone how bad the fire was exactly, so she had no idea if at the end of that road, her old house would still be standing or if there was almost nothing left.

She took a deep breath and looked at Katie.

“Alright... moment of truth.” As they started walking along the path, Katie looked around her and could see the abandoned fields spreading at both sides, a pond at the left bottom of the hill, and a small square house at the opposite, on her right.

“Is that it? It doesn't look like it burnt at all! That's good right?” she asked her friend, hiding the disappointment she felt when she realized the house was so small. To be honest, any houses she would visit now would appear small next to the one she visited yesterday.

Lily slightly snorted.

“This is the caretaker's cottage... We can't see the main house yet, we'll have to walk through the cottage, then the barns and the orchard, go on further on the main path through the trees, and at the end of the road you should see it. We have to cross the whole property to go to the clearing at the back of the main house.”

“You had a caretaker?”

“When my dad was still alive, yes. A lot of people worked here actually, but then he died and we stopped working for a while so the cottage was empty. Later my mom decided to let people stay in it since we didn't use it and she wanted to help people. This is actually where Misha and his family stayed a couple years later.”

“Really? Then why where they in your house when the fire happened? You told me it happened in the middle of the night.” Katie asked curious.

“I don't know, Katie, to help us probably. I was only with Misha when it happened and we were asleep and then unconscious... The only people that could answer your question are all dead now.”

“Oh God, I'm sorry, I didn't realize. Sometimes I should really turn my tongue a few times in my mouth before speaking... wait... why were Misha with you in your room and not in his own room in the cottage?”

“Really Katie? Can't you figure it out?”

“Ohhh.... right... hum... sorry. Again.”

They stopped right at a cross path. On the left, there was a cute private pond surrounded by trees, with a small wooden pier, a bridge and a tiny beach, there were ducks swimming on the dark green water. On their right, up at the end of the path, they could see the caretaker's cottage. It was a small square house with light green wooden walls. It was standing in front of the wood's edge, there were a few trees at the front too, and a few big flat stones leading to the main entrance.

“Oh my god, it's really cute! Can we go inside?” Katie asked, excited.

“Yeah, I have the keys... I don't know what's left inside though. Last people living here were Misha and his family.”

She wasn't sure if she wanted to go inside. She didn't know how she would react if she opened the door and saw everything they left behind.

She braced herself and walked on the flat stones that led to the glass door. With her heart beating fast and her fingers shaking, she turned the key and the door opened. She didn't move forward to enter, looked inside and saw .... nothing. There was absolutely nothing left. Not even one piece of furniture.

“What the...?”

Katie popped her head behind her shoulder trying to look inside, unable to contain her curiosity anymore.

“Well... this is disappointing.”

“It's been cleared! Who did this?”

“Misha's family probably wanted to get their stuff back?”

“What family? They had no one in this area, his father lived far from here and if I recall, his mom's family was in Boston at the time.”

“Boston isn't that far from here sweetie, it's obviously the only explanation... Or someone came to steal, but the door is not broken.”

Lily suddenly had mixed feelings. She was happy the place was clear, so she wouldn't have to clear it herself and decide what to do with all of their stuffs, and it wouldn't revive any painful memory, but she was sad at the same time, because she had nothing left to remember them.

“Yeah... I'm kinda disappointed though. I wish I could find at least a little thing to keep with me... Anything.” She said with a shaky voice.

“Alright, let's move, it's pointless anyway,” she added, a bit angry, then walked out of the house with Katie behind her and shut the door.

They went back to the cross path and walked towards the pond.

“Wanna see something very cheesy?” Lily walked toward the wooden pier.

“What can be cheesy in a gross pond?” Katie wondered, but she followed anyway, looking at the disgusting green water. “Eww, I wouldn't go in the water even if you paid me.”

They arrived in front of a massive willow tree that must've been here for decades. The long falling leaves made it look like they were raining in the water.

“Believe it or not, it was mine and Misha's favorite spot, we were climbing it all the time, we even slept under it a few times, and once he carved something in that tree for me.”

“Oh my god, it _IS_ super cheesy! Let me guess, a heart with your initials in it?”

Lily chuckled. “Nope!”

She walked behind the huge trunk to search what she was looking for and gasped. “No!”

Katie ran next to her, a little worried and looked where Lily's hand was laying. It was only a patch of black burnt bark.

Katie rose her eyebrows.

“Uuuh.... what was I supposed to see?”

“He did...” She started but had to take a deep breath.

“Holy shit! What the fuck happened here? Who does that? Who came here to destroy every single memory I have in this place? How cruel is that? Damn it!” she screamed, kicking the tree. She couldn't hold back her tears anymore.

She fell on her knees and buried her face in her hands, crying loudly. It was too much, she was on edge already, being here was hard enough, and now she had to deal with the fact that some douchebag came here to wipe the last happy memories she had of Misha and his family.

Katie knelt down next to her friend and wrapped her arm around her shoulders to comfort her.

“I don't know sweetie... this is kinda creepy to be honest.”

And it was... Someone had come here, there was no doubt, and that person had taken a few things from this place, more than just material things.

Lily calmed down in her friend's arms, and stood up after a while.

“Let's just... walk, and we won't stop until we're in front of the main house, or... what's left of it anyway.”

And so they kept walking their way towards the orchard. They walked past two barns, a large one where they used to take care of the animals and do all the farmer work, and a smaller one where they used to park vehicles. Lily ran to the car barn and looked through a window.

“At least the cars are still here,” she said with a happy smile.

“You said you wouldn't stop anymore...”

“Right. Sorry, I can't help it. Keep going.”

Once at the orchard, Katie was amazed to see how many fruit trees they had. Apples, peaches, pears, cherries, hazelnuts... you could find pretty much all common fruits, even if it was clearly abandoned and full of weeds now.

Further on the way she also noticed a tiny blue cabin in the middle of an empty field.

“What's that?” Katie asked curious. They were now walking on the last path leading to the main house.

“An aviary.”

“Oh, an aviary, she says as if it is the most common thing to have in your house...” Katie mocked. “I don't even know what that word means!”

Her comment made Lily laugh heartedly.

“You put birds in it... “volière” in french, I think?”

“Ohhh... right. Why the hell do you have an aviary?”

“Because I'm old and when I was young, phones didn't exist so we used pigeons instead of text messages.”

She said it with the most serious expression on her face, then turned her head slowly to look at Katie who was staring at her like she had three noses. She couldn't hold it any longer and burst out laughing.

Katie joined her and soon they both couldn't stop laughing, holding their stomach while giggling uncontrollably.

“Oh God! You should've seen your face! That was priceless! Geez it feels so good to laugh!”

“You troll!” Katie answered, wiping tears off her eyes.

Suddenly Lily froze, looking straight ahead of her. Katie looked in the same direction and saw it: the main house. Lily's home. It was still standing, and Katie could see it used to be a big and very beautiful house, though more casual that the huge mansion of her grandmother. Most of the walls of the second floor were black from the fire.

The first floor didn't look so bad, you could still probably enter the house by the front door, but the second floor was collapsed halfway, with the windows all broken, and you probably couldn't go upstairs anymore. A square tower on the right was in the same state, the roof entirely destroyed.

“Oh my god...” Katie whispered. Knowing the story was one thing, but actually seeing the house half burnt was very scary, and she couldn't imagine what it must've been to be inside when the fire was raging.

“Where was your room?”

Lily extended her arm, pointing at the tower with a shaky finger. “Up there.”

Katie stood next to her friend, speechless. She didn't know what to say, she didn't know what to do. She was in shock. The tower was almost completely destroyed! Only the brick walls remained, all blackened with smoke.

She saw Lily moving from the corner of her eyes, and when she turned to look at her, she saw her wiping the tears that were silently falling down her face.

“I'm actually surprised, I was mentally prepared to see the whole house completely down,” Lily confessed, sniffling.

“Okay... The clearing is behind the house, there's nothing more to see here. Come with me.”

She didn't want to stay here any longer, what was the point after all? Walking around the house, they arrived in the backyard. A couple a stoned benches and the ruin of what used to be a fountain remained among the weeds, through which they had to go to finally step into the clearing.

It wasn't much, a small patch of grass surrounded by trees, and a tiny stream at the back. Sure it was cute but nothing spectacular, it was obviously just a meaningful place to Lily's grandparents. They crossed a small wooden bridge over the stream, and there it was: a simple stone with Lily's grandfather's name on it. “Simon Hagen. 1915 – 1987”

Lily breathed deeply.

“Hey, grandpa...” She opened her backpack, took the urn out and opened it.

“Alright... let's do this. You deserve to rest in peace together now.”

She gingerly spread her grandmother's aches around the stone, just like her grandmother had done with her grandpa's aches when he died in 1987.

No tears, no pain... she was in peace herself. She felt better after it was done. She wrote the name next to his grandfather's one. “Bethany Mary Hagen. 1926 – 2013”.

“You were right, Grandma. Goodbye. I love you.” she whispered, kissing her fingers and laying them on the stone.

She then stood up, looked at Katie who was in tears but wasn't making a sound, took her hand, turned around and started walking back in silence.

When they arrived near the orchard, Lily took her phone out and called a taxi for the ride back to their hotel.

Nothing much was said in the cab, both women thinking about what had happened that day. Lily felt a strong wave of peace though. She was proud of herself, she had done what her grandma wanted. For once in her life, she didn't run away, she didn't avoid the pain, she went through it and it felt good.

It was noon when they arrived at the hotel. They didn't have time to visit more, so they just packed and left for the airport.

“Do you know what you're going to do with the houses?” Katie asked during the car ride.

“No. In her letter, grandma wrote I could do what I wanted, but she pointed out I shouldn't do anything that feels wrong, and that I have to take my time, so... I'll just wait for now, and maybe I'll get a sign about what to do.”

“Will you come back some day? I would love to visit more, it's actually a nice place.”

“I don't know... Maybe. It wasn't as hard as I imagined.”

Katie didn't ask more and they were quiet until they arrived at the airport.

 

The flight back was peaceful: No old man snoring next to Katie so she actually managed to sleep this time, and she wasn't grumpy when they arrived in Seattle even if it was already late at night.

They had to wait for David to pick them up, so they stopped at the airport's café to drink something.

“Katie, I forbid you to drink coffee so late! I know you, you won't sleep and you will bother me all night.”

“Alright, mom... can I have a mojito?”

“What? In the middle of the night? Have you lost your mind? No, you'll have umm... Orange juice... No, no, scratch that, vitamin C is not good either... I'll get you a coke... no sugar and no caffeine, that will be perfect.”

“And of course you can have coffee... how fair is that?”

“I will sleep anyway. Jeez, where the hell is my wallet?”

Lily was rummaging through her bag, searching for her wallet to pay the drinks, but it was such a big mess that she couldn't find it and started getting edgy.

“Damn it! I need a bigger bag!”

“Nope, you just need to put less things in it.” Katie answered, her arms crossed, mocking her because she always took too much.

“Are you doing this on purpose so I pay the bill? That won't work, Lily, now I know how loaded you are.” She laughed but didn't move to help her.

Lily was really starting to lose her patience, and as clumsy as she was, everything suddenly splattered on the floor.

“Fuck!”

“I won't even look back to see how pissed the people waiting behind us are,” Katie joked.

“How about you help me instead of waiting doing nothing???”

Katie rolled her eyes but finally crouched down to help her, when someone behind them handed Lily her wallet.

“Nobody's pissed, take your time.”

Lily, relieved, looked up to thank the man who was handing it back and stopped dead, staring into bright blue eyes. For a second she had thought she was in front of an older version of Misha, but she quickly shook her head closing her eyes, knowing it was impossible. It was probably just because she had spent her weekend in Northfield remembering all those things.

_You really need to sleep, Lily._

However, the man was still staring at her insistently with squinted eyes.

Katie looked up too, alerted by the sudden silence, and gasped when she recognized the man.

“Oh god... You're Misha Collins!” The excitement was obvious in her voice and she almost screamed his name.

“Isn't that funny? We talked about you just yesterday and... Oh we _so_ need a picture!” Katie jumped and searched for her phone, not even noticing Misha was still scanning her friend's face.

That was one hell of a coincidence! Lily thought for a second she saw her Misha, and the name of the guy staring back at her was actually Misha too.

She stood up, holding her purse. She still needed to pay for the drinks.

“Sorry I... I'm clumsy. I had a rough weekend. Thanks anyway.”

Then she turned around to face the cashier.

“Lily?” Misha finally asked, standing up but not moving from his spot.

“Uh...” She was so confused now that no intelligible word would get out of her mouth.

“Lily Hagen, is that really you?” He insisted, still staring at her curiously.

She really didn't understand what was happening and the fact that this man was insistently staring at her and knew her name was making her very uncomfortable. She looked at Katie with wide eyes and mouthed 'What the hell?'.

“How do you know her name when she hasn't even heard of you?” Katie asked, also confused. She knew Lily didn't know Misha, they talked about it in the car just yesterday!

“What?” he looked at Katie, processing what she just said in his mind.

“Lily, it's me!... Misha! Did I really change that much?”

“No, it... It can't be you. You're dead...” She scrutinized his shocked face, narrowing her eyes.

It was very disturbing, yet somehow very familiar and comforting to stare into those blue eyes again.

Lily's brain couldn't process what was happening. That must've been the most fucked up situation of all time.

She had spent several years trying to assimilate the fact that he was gone and move forward, how could she believe   
  
_that,_  
  
now?

She was probably still sleeping in the plane, utterly jet lagged, and this was just a dream. A very vivid dream, but she would eventually wake up.

He was just looking very much like Misha and he had the same first name, it can happen, right?

“To be honest, I feel like I should be the one saying that, and yet, you're standing right in front of me...”

They all turned their head when they heard people screaming Misha's name, and when he understood he had been spotted, he gently took Lily's hand, silently asking for her to follow him.

“I guess we need to talk, but we need to go somewhere more private. Do you mind?”

He pulled a little on her hand, but she drew back as soon as he moved, like she just had an electric shock.

Every cell of her body told her to cowardly run away, just like every time she was scared or felt trapped. She was in total denial, unable to believe a word of this. It would be a disaster if it was true...

Katie saw it in Lily's eyes, she was ready to flee, so she wrapped one of her arm around her friend and nodded to Misha who quickly looked around him before walking towards the stairs.

He led them in the VIP lounge where they wouldn't be disturbed.

 


	5. REMEMBER ME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a talk...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the angst and a tiny bit of fluff is coming :D

 

Misha closed the door behind him as Lily walked inside the room to sit down on an armchair, quietly observing around her. The room was vast with lots of tables, armchairs and sofas, and a bar in the back, but at this hour no one was there, and the large windows offered a nice view on the tarmac.

 

He sat on the chair facing her and looked intensely at her again, searching for any clue that could confirm it was really the woman he thought she was. He needed to know for sure, but he was pretty positive it was her, even if it was not logical.

 

She was right here, sitting in front of him, and he couldn't believe his eyes. It had been twenty two years, but he could still picture her face in his mind perfectly.

This woman looked exactly like Lily as he remembered her, except for the red hair color and a few wrinkles around her eyes, but she was as beautiful as in his memory. She had the same deep green eyes and cute snub nose, those luscious pink lips, and these gracious hands that were currently clinging on her chair’s arm.

Everything matched. She was not tall, but not too small either, still slim but she obviously kept the curves he used to like so much, especially her plump breasts, just like he remembered.

She was still scanning the room, probably to avoid his persistent and intimidating gaze.

“Wh...where are we?” she asked hesitantly, almost afraid to break the silence.

“VIP lounge. Like I said, we need to talk without being disturbed.”

He didn't know where to start, though... He wasn't even totally sure it was her, he didn't know how to act in front of her, he was nervous, studying her every move. He had spent so many years trying to stop thinking about her that if it was indeed _really_ her, it would probably change everything for him... But would it change something for her? Did she run away and hide on purpose? Would she still be the same person? Would she act the same with him? Was _he_ the same person?

 

His thoughts were interrupted by Katie's cough.

“So... Any idea what's going on here?”

So much for not being disturbed...

Misha exhaled and closed his eyes, slightly annoyed, but still he didn't forget it was thanks to her that Lily didn't run away from him again a few minutes earlier.

“Friend of yours?” He raised an eyebrow to Lily.

“Y... Yes. Her name's Katie.”

She looked at her friend and could see the eagerness written all over her face. She desperately wanted to know what had happened. _Nosy Katie_.

“Do we need to do this in front of her?”

Katie puffed.

“Like I'm gonna leave now that it's getting interesting. And can you stop talking to each other like I’m not right next to you? I would appreciate. Thanks.”

She sure had an attitude!

“Are you her mom or something?”

Misha said that to joke and lighten the mood a little, but his sarcastic tone made something click in Lily's brain.

 

“Who the hell do you think you are?” She spat towards him. “You bump into me pretending being someone long dead, and now you make rude comments about my friend? Don't you think I had enough crap for this weekend? I need a damn break! I'm getting the fuck out!”

She rose out of her seat, determined to leave the room. It was just impossible that it could be Misha Krushnic, he was dead, she saw him die, and that was it.

 

Naturally, when she walked past him toward the door, he rose off his seat in a rush and ran to stand in her way.

“What's your full name?” He was now staring at her with a challenging look in his eyes.

She shook her head.

“Why do you care? Let me pass!”

“Please! I'm pretty sure I know exactly who you are, but still, I would feel less crazy if you could confirm, because if you are indeed Lily Hagen, I think you at least owe me an explanation. Why don't you just answer me?” He tried to hide the fact that he was slowly losing his patience, but he wouldn't give up.

 

If this guy was really Misha _, HE_ owed her a damn explanation!

She was hesitant to confirm it though... It would make things too real.

Katie rolled her eyes.

“Oh, for god's sake, y _es_ , her name is Lily Hagen. Sit down, would you?”

Would they stop stalling and finally get to the point?

Lily glanced at her friend sideways and sighed, reaching back for her seat when she realized there was no way he would go away from the door.

 

Misha thought it would be the right time to start the questioning, so he walked closer to her.

“Alright... Why did you tell everybody you were dead? Why the hell did you do that to us?”

 

_What?_

Was he really accusing her of being responsible for this?

“Do what to whom? Misha Krushnic is dead! I know what I'm talking about; he died in my freaking arms! You're just lying!” she flashed her angry teary eyes at him.

“Jesus Christ, stop the denying act, Lily! Did I change so much that you're unable to recognize me? I know I aged but still...”

Katie needed to help her friend or the situation would soon be out of control.

“Lily? What was your Northfield-Misha's last name _exactly_?”

Lily looked at her friend, startled by her question, but she suddenly realized something wasn't right.

“ _Not_ Collins!” She almost screamed it, proud that she could find an evidence for his lies.

“Lily... Misha's real name _is_ Krushnic... everybody knows that... well every fan at least. Google it if you don't believe me.” Katie didn’t understand how this could be happening, but she knew for sure Misha wasn't lying.

 

Silence fell in the room and Katie turned her attention to him. He was staring at Lily with a pained expression in his eyes, his eyebrows knit together.

“Look, I know you're saying the truth... But we just got back from Northfield, she had already too many emotions for this weekend, and I think she's a little confused right now, if not a little scared. Who wouldn't?”

 

Misha nodded, feeling himself a little dizzy too.

Katie finally sat in the chair next to her friend.

Lily clasped her hands together between her knees and tried to act reasonable.

“Obviously there is a huge misunderstanding here.”

“Actually, I don't think there is.” Misha corrected and sat down on the chair facing her, making sure he could watch her in the eyes before repeating his question insistently.

“Why did you disappear after the fire, pretending to be dead? Why did you do that? How cruel can you be to let us think you were all dead, and never contact us again? If you wanted us to go out of your life, you could’ve just told us and we would've left!”

 

Lily looked at Katie sideways with wide eyes, silently asking _is he serious right now?_

 

 _He_ was the one who was mad at her? Was he really thinking she did that? Why in the world would she do such a cruel and dumb thing? Nobody does that in real life! Nobody pretends to be dead! She never pretended anything! Why was he thinking that, for god's sake? _HE_ was the one who was supposed to be gone!

 

Misha was a bit disappointed that she was so quiet, but he thought maybe he was a little too harsh, so he took a deep breath to compose himself.

“You need me to prove that it’s really me? Alright... I'm gonna give you proofs, and you will give me answers, that way everybody will leave satisfied. I won't let you go until I have some answers. You're going to listen to me very carefully and _believe_ me. You wanna play that game? _Fine_! Let's play, then. I'm gonna tell you a few personal things about you, and you'll tell me if I'm wrong. If I am, I swear to God I will apologize, leave, and you will never hear about me again. Deal?”

 

He remembered Lily was not the kind of girl who easily complied with anyone who was too blunt with her, so he tried really hard to not sound too pushy, but he probably failed, as eager as he was to know what had happened in 1990.

Lily scoffed, but she could tell he was getting a bit angry now, and she almost felt guilty.

“This is ridiculous, I-”

“Humor me.” He interrupted abruptly and closed his eyes to regain his composure. “Please... Aren't you just a bit curious?”

 

Lily observed the man in front of her carefully and stayed quiet. He really looked like her Misha... Two people couldn't have eyes like these, right? So blue, so bright, so deep and expressive, though they appeared much happier today than they were two decades ago. He used to often have this heartbreaking sadness in his eyes when he was young, and Lily used to try to make it disappear as often as she could... His lips were quite unique too to be honest. She would know, she spent so much time kissing them. And frankly... how many Mishas could there be anyway?

 

She sighed but finally gave in. Her mind was already a mess after this weekend, what did she have to lose except a little time?

“Fine.”

“Alright...” He leaned back in his chair and crossed his fingers on his stomach, squinting his eyes at her.

“Your full name is Elise Grace Hagen, you were born June 9th 1974 in Hartford. Your mom was Mary, your dad was Franck, he died when you were ten in a car accident, you also had a brother named Ryan.” He recited fast with a dull voice. “Am I correct so far?”

Lily didn't say a word but shrugged. Maybe she was getting pranked and she would be on TV soon?

Katie was still quiet in her chair, very curious about what he was going to reveal next.

“We met when we were nine, through your grandfather that I met on my paper routes, we became friends but I had to leave with my family, then a few years later when we came back, we moved to your caretaker’s house, we started dating, and it ended only because your house caught on fire and you _disappeared,_ and everyone said you'd died.” He hissed on the last words very bitterly and Lily shifted uncomfortably in her seat... This was so _not_ what had happened!

Still, she remained silent and listened to him carefully.

 

Misha suddenly softened, stood up and stepped closer to her seat, crouching down to be at eye level. She looked at him suspiciously, but she didn't flinch, even when she saw that same sparkle of sadness back in his eyes.

“On your sixteenth birthday, I carved the words _‘will you marry me?’_ in our willow tree... and you said yes when I showed it to you. We talked about getting married after college, but then again... it never happened because you fled.”

 

Katie's eyes almost popped out of her head when she heard him but she said nothing, she didn't want to break the moment. So _that_ was what had been carved into that damn tree?? Her best friend was supposed to marry Misha freaking Collins???

 

Lily was shocked and speechless, her heart was beating fast and she was holding back tears, swallowing the lump in her throat. Now she knew it couldn't be anyone else, as nobody but Misha and her had ever known about that...

Misha's eyes were also teary at this point.

“So tell me now... How would I know about that when we never told anyone?”

He was right, they were so young that Lily was too scared to tell her mom, and she made him promise he wouldn't tell his mom before she did. Only three weeks later, they were torn apart.

 

“Do you have enough proof? Am I wrong?” He asked softly.

She looked up into his piercing blue eyes.

“Yes, you're wrong.” She swallowed, and Misha was startled for a brief second, until he understood she had something to add.

“I did not flee. Not like you imagine anyway, and I certainly never pretended to be dead, this is absolutely stupid and it's _not_ what happened.”

He sat back on his chair, his elbows resting on his knees.

“That's where you're giving me the answers I need: what the hell happened, then? Because I can assure you, everybody in town told me your whole family passed, except your grandmother who wasn't there the night of the fire, but was nowhere to be found when we searched for her. I spent years trying to understand and find her, I spent hours crying on your family's grave, and now you're right in front of me, and I think I deserve to know the truth.”

Lily's mind was about to explode. He spoke softly, but somehow she still felt like he was accusing her.

“I... I don't know what happened! Stop talking like I'm responsible for this! I woke up in the hospital, my grandma was here, I asked her where you were and she told me you didn't make it. And yes, we kinda fled because we left the country only a few weeks after without even going back to the farm, because there was no point going back anyway, and we both needed to move forward as fast as possible after such a tragedy.”

“What? Who the hell told _her_ I was dead?” He crossed his arms.

Lily noticed the bitterness in his voice again and she didn't like it at all. He was obviously thinking she had done that on purpose. She was already feeling guilty enough for what happened; she didn't need one more load to carry.

“I don't know! The doctors, the firemen, the cops, the neighbors, everybody!”

“And it didn't occur for you to check? You just believed your grandmother and moved on with your life like nothing happened?”

 

Now that was the most stupid thing he could've said. It took her years of therapy to move forward. She was wounded, physically _and_ psychologically, haunted by nightmares every single night. She had tried to cope with unhealthy methods; she had even thought she didn't deserve to live.

“You don't know what you're talking about...” She whispered looking down at her shaky hands.

“Maybe I don't, but I'm very eager to know.”

“I am too! What do you think? That it was a picnic for me? That I didn't care? Why are you talking like you're accusing me of-” She was interrupted by a ringtone coming from Misha's back pocket. He looked at it quickly but declined the call.

“My mom. She can wait. God, if she only knew...” He scoffed.

Lily's face turned blank.

“Wait... what?? Your mom's alive too?”

Misha almost laughed at that, though it wasn't funny.

“Yes, she is very much alive and probably very pissed because I was supposed to meet her twenty minutes ago and I'm still here. She will be absolutely thrilled to know why I'm late though.” He explained with a faint smile on his face, finally calming down.

 

_Oh God what is happening? What the fucking fuck is happening?_

“Sasha?” She dared asking in a whisper.

“Still kicking too... and still a pain in my ass.” He chuckled nervously.

“Oh God...” Lily completely lost it and buried her face in her hands, crying loudly. All those years she had thought she was the only one who survived, feeling guilty as hell, when it wasn't true.

 

Misha suddenly felt a hint of hope rising in his chest.

“So... Any chance your mom and Ryan are still hiding somewhere too?”

Lily felt the air rushing out of her lungs as if someone had punched her.

She didn't say anything, still crying in her hands, but she shook her head and Misha understood.

“Your grandmother?” He asked again with a shaky voice. He knew she must be very old now, but it was possible anyway.

She let out a loud sob and shook her head once more.

 

Misha stood up. At that moment, he forgot he was pissed because of whatever led to such a mess, but he couldn’t bear seeing her crying like that. He crouched down in front of her and took her hands away from her face. It was a strange sensation... holding her hands after so long, but it felt good and almost familiar.

“Lily, look at me.”

She didn't. She couldn't. She was lost.

“Look at me, please...” He insisted, gently tilting her chin. She looked into his reddened eyes and waited for him to talk.

“I'm really sorry. I don't know what happened, I don't know who to blame, and frankly I don't even care right now, we'll figure it out some day. You're here, I'm here, and we have a lot to catch up.”

She weakly smiled and scoffed between her sobs.

“Yeah... something like twenty years.”

He smirked back at her.

“Yeah... something like that.” His phone buzzed again.

“But not now, I'm afraid I really have to go. Where do you live?”

“Seattle.”

“Perfect... I'm staying in Vancouver for a few weeks; I'll be able to come see you next Friday if that's okay, so we can catch up. Here... What’s your number?” He took his phone out of his pocket.

 

Katie was still here, observing in silence, barely able to believe any of this. This was crazy... absolutely insane. She was also very curious to know what had happened after the fire to make them both believe the other was dead, and she thought fate could be very cruel sometimes, because Lily may not know it yet, but her friend knew Misha had married another woman and had kids now... It was not her place to tell her, but at that moment she really hoped Lily had moved on for real and would not be too upset about that.

 

They exchanged phone numbers and both stood up.

“ I'm sorry I have to run. I'll call you Lily, promise.”

“Okay...” was all she could answer. She was stunned, not realizing yet.

“Bye Lily. Be safe. I'll see you again, right? You won't disappear?”

 

She could tell he was scared, she was too. Terrified even.

“Yes. You'll see me again,” she answered honestly.

“Promise?”

“Promise,” she whispered. Her instinct told her to run away like she always did, but if all of this was really true, she had to know what happened.

“Good.” He kissed her forehead very quick, turned towards the door, and Lily watched him leave.

 

After a few long seconds trying to recover from what just happened, Katie was the one to break the silence.

“Holy... Mother... of God...” she said, still in shock. “Lily... you good?”

“I uuhh... I have no idea.” And she truly meant it, she really didn't know how she felt.

“I can't believe it...” Katie suddenly burst out laughing and couldn't stop.

“Sorry but... it's nervous, I... I just... all that time you were talking about Misha Collins and I didn't even realize. What are the odds? I mean... I don't know his personal life that much so that's probably why it didn't click, I just watch the show but... damn!”

Lily looked at her friend, still no expression on her face. _Misha Collins_ ... _How weird_ . _Why did he change his name?_

“The show...” She repeated her friend's words like it could help her understand.

“Yes... Your ex-boyfriend is a fucking TV star, Lily! He plays in a show called Supernatural and he's super famous. Why do you think we're standing in the freaking VIP lounge right now? But I'm sure he will tell you all of this better than me, it's not my place. Come on, we have to go now, David keeps calling, he's waiting for us outside and he must be worried right now.”

 

Katie took her friend's hand and pulled her out of the airport, where they met their friend David.

“What took you so long? I was worried! Are you okay? Jeez Lily, you look very pale...”

“Oh, you have no idea, I'll tell you everything on the way home, it's a long story. Let's go!” Katie answered for her friend.

As promised, she told everything to David on their way home, and no need to say he almost didn't believe her. Lily was still very quiet.

 

It was the middle of the night when Lily finally walked into her apartment and went straight in the bedroom, crashing on her bed, not even caring about getting her clothes off. She stared at the ceiling a few minutes in silence.

Was it real? Did it really happen? Wasn't it just a dream? It should've been. Those things don't happen in real life.

As if on cue, her phone buzzed, notifying an incoming text.

 

She reached to her jean's pocket lazily and unlocked the screen, seeing the text from Misha.

 

_Mom says hi, she can't wait to see you again. She doesn't believe me either. Cya soon._

 

 _'Mom'_... Rebecca.

 

Oh God, what a mess in her head right now! She didn't answer his message, she just laid here silently with her clothes and shoes on, until she fell asleep, exhausted and feeling empty.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just FYI, I'm still looking for a beta ;)


	6. CATCHING UP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Misha take more time to catch up with their lives.

 

The following day started in absolute chaos.

“Lily! Wake the fuck up!”

Katie crashed a pillow in her friend's face, still asleep at nine in the morning on a Monday. Lily jumped with a gasp, not used to be woken up so violently.

“Helloooo! It's almost 9 am and we're supposed to be at work already! Guess who will be in trouble?”

“Fuck! Katie, why didn't you wake me up earlier?”

Lily panicked, jumped out of bed, looked at her quickly in the mirror, fixed her hair in a rush and put her shoes on. That was a good thing Katie had a spare key for situations like those. She rarely used it, but this morning's chaos was obviously an emergency.

“The right question to ask would be... _why didn't you hear your alarm, woke up and get ready, then yelled at_ _ **me**_ _because_ _ **I**_ _was late?_ You know... the usual?”

“I don't knoooow Katie, oh my God, I overslept! I was so tired yesterday!”

“No kidding.”

“I think I actually forgot to set the alarm.”

“Well at least you're already dressed... you often sleep with your clothes on?”

“No I just... I was too tired to do anything last night, we came back home super late and I was an emotional wreck so I just collapsed on my bed. But it's a good thing I don't have to get ready, let's go!”

 

They ran out of the apartment into Lily's car and started driving, but Katie noticed something and yelled.

“Lily, STOP!”

She pressed the brakes pedal so violently that they almost hit their heads on the dashboard.

“Shit Katie, don't do that! What is it now?”

“I don't see your violin's case anywhere... It may be problematic to practice the violin without a violin.”

“Shit... shit shit shit! Wait here, I won't be long.”

She busted out of the car and ran back inside the building, reappearing a few seconds later completely out of breath with her violin case, threw it in the car, sat back behind the wheel and took off.

_I need to run more often._

When they arrived inside the auditorium, everybody was already on stage rehearsing. Lily and Katie sneaked in as discretely as they could, their instruments ready in their hands, but as soon as they sat in their chairs, the music stopped.

“Long night, ladies?” Ludovic, the conductor, pointed out, and everybody turned to look at the two women. Lily was so ashamed she blushed furiously.

Katie glanced at her friend with a meaningful look and nodded, suggesting she got this.

“You know how it is... weekend... booze... men... hangov-”

“Sorry Ludo it won't happen again!” Lily interrupted and flashed angry eyes at her friend.

Luckily, Ludovic wasn't the mean type of boss, and he had a particular affection for Katie as they were both french, but when it came to work, he was a perfectionist and he hated when his musicians were late.

“Alright... I guess we have to start again then... Ready?” He lifted his arms, baton in his hand.

“Umm... I didn't have the time to check if I'm in tune...” Lily pointed out shyly, still cursing herself and blushing for such a waste of time for everybody.

Ludovic briefly closed his eyes but complied.

“Let's just set the tone again then...” He sighed. “Can I have an A for the lady, please?”

Lily was mortified. She cursed herself as she set the tone on her instrument. She was never late, it was something she hated more than anything. She could feel Ludo was slightly annoyed despite his nice voice. She turned her attention to David, who was glancing behind him. As he was the concertmaster, he was sitting at the front of the first violin section, she was placed right behind him. She placed her violin on the crook of her neck, held the bow in position to start playing, nodded at him, signifying everything was fine, and the music started.

 

 

“Perfect! Let's take a break, it was good enough for a Monday morning guys!” Ludo announced about an hour later.

“We'll start again in thirty minutes, don't be late.” He glanced at Katie and winked.

  
_Thank God, coffee time!_  
  
Lily thought. Having to leave home in a rush without an ounce of caffeine in her body was pure torture for her.

Soon enough, she was sitting in the cafeteria with Katie and David, swirling her warm cup in her hands.

“Are we gonna talk about it?” David tiptoed, observing Lily closely.

“Talk about what?” Lily knew exactly what they wanted to talk about. She couldn't stop thinking about it herself. It was such an impossible situation she still had trouble figuring out if it really happened or if she just dreamt it last night.

“Oh please Lily, don't play innocent! Misha!” Katie specified.

_Misha..._

Just the name made her shiver.

“There is nothing to talk about. Just drink your coffee. Nothing happened that you don't know already.”

She spotted a woman walking toward their table and Lily's heart jumped in her chest, she suddenly felt nauseous.

“Hey guys!” Hayley sang happily with her high pitched voice, her perfect platinum blond hair tied in an elegant bun.

Nobody dared answering as they all gauged Lily's reaction. She didn't flinch at first.

“Hello Hayley.” she finally replied flatly without even looking at her. She found her cup of coffee suddenly very interesting.

“What do you want?” Katie asked coldly when she noticed the blond woman didn't move.

“I umm... can I talk to you a second, Lily?”

“No.” She replied very bluntly. Who the hell did she think she was? Three days ago she found her fucking her boyfriend and now she wanted to talk?

“Please... Peter needs to-”

“I said no!” She almost screamed, and everybody in the cafeteria turned to look at her.

Once again, Katie stepped in to help her friend, speaking surprisingly calmly.

“I think you should go drink your coffee far from here... and if you choke on it, we won't move a finger to help you.” She was casually checking her phone at the same time.

Hayley sighed, vexed, and turned around to leave the cafeteria without a word.

“She's got some nerves!” David pointed out, but looked down at his mug quickly when both women stared furiously at him.

“Alright I'm outta here.” he stood and left the table to go talk to Ludo. _Women_.

 

Lily's phone buzzed and Katie jumped looking at the screen.

“Misha texted youuuu!” Katie squealed.

Lily took her phone quickly.

“Shut up.”

_M: Hey! When can I call you?_

So it wasn't a dream... she wasn't losing her mind, it really happened...

_L: After work? I'll be home at 5._

_M: Great. Ttyl._

They didn't share more, just the minimum, and Lily thought it was enough already. She still didn't have the time to really think about what happened at the airport, and it may be the Misha she spent her teenage years with, but everything changed since those days; she moved on, he probably moved on too, and nothing would be the same ever again, not even their friendship.

You just don't find people twenty two years later and resume things the way they were, it's just not possible. Plus she didn't even know if she wanted that.

“What does he want?” Katie was bent over, almost laying down on the table trying to look at her phone's screen.

“Nothing Katie, will you sit down? You're wearing a damn skirt, everybody has a very interesting view on your panties right now! He'll just call me tonight.”

“Who says I'm wearing panties?” she replied saucily and Lily winced.

“You'll tell me right? You wouldn't leave me wondering what is happening between you and mister Castiel, would you?”

Lily frowned. “Mister what?”

Her friend laughed heartedly without explaining further.

“You know what I have to do? I have to check his Twitter so I can spy!”

Lily rolled her eyes.

“So... let's see what he tweets... Holy shit he was with John Barrowman!”

“Who?”

“Geez Lily you're so pathetic. Would it kill you to watch TV?” She scrolled down her screen and her heart raced when she saw a picture of him with his baby girl, but she was subtle enough to not react and scrolled further. _Maybe it wasn't a good idea after all_.

“I'm going back in the hall. Have fun stalking, but don't be late again or you'll be in trouble for good this time.”

“Ugh! You're no fun.” Katie followed her reluctantly.

 

 

 

At 4.30pm they were done for the day and headed home together. Katie couldn't hide her excitement and there was no way she could go back to her apartment without spying on the phone conversation Lily would soon have with Misha, so here she was, sitting on Lily's sofa, her phone on the coffee table, patiently waiting for it to ring. Lily had to take a shower, feeling dirty as she was still wearing her clothes from the day before.

It was exactly 4.52pm when Lily's phone lighted up and Misha's name appeared on the screen, but she was still in the shower.

Katie squealed and picked it up.

“Hello Misha!” She sing-sang, a huge grin on her face.

“... Hello? Uh... You're not Lily.”

“You can tell with just a _hello_?”

“I actually remember your screechy high-pitched voice pretty well... That's not something you forget! Katie right?” Misha chuckled.

_Misha Collins remembers me!_

“I should be offended but... I'll forgive you for this time.” She managed to reply coolly.

“So... May I speak to Lily or-”

“LILYYYY!” She screeched.

“Oh God! I'll be deaf for sure.”

Lily popped out of the bathroom wearing her robe, her hair dripping, and ripped the phone from Katie's hands.

“Ouch!”

“Did I allow you to pick up? I don't think so!”

Katie pouted. Misha heard Lily's distant voice through the phone and couldn't help smiling.

“Hello?”

She couldn't see it but Misha's smile turned into a huge grin when he heard her shy voice on the phone. He tried to suppress it but failed miserably.

“Hey Lily. Is she living with you or is she just your bodyguard? I'd rather do this without her spying to be honest.”

“Hold on.”

She put her phone on the coffee table and took Katie's hand, leading her towards the door, not without a loud protestation.

“Hey!!! I'm not leaving!”

“Yes you are. I'll call you. Bye Katie.”

Lily pushed her friend out of her apartment and shut the door behind her, locking it and leaving the key in the lock just to be sure she wouldn't use her spare key to spy. She swallowed, took her phone back and sat on the sofa.

“Sorry... She can be a little... invasive sometimes but she means well, I swear.”

Misha chuckled, he was suddenly nervous, not knowing what to say to the girl he lost tragically twenty years ago.

Obviously, Lily felt the same way because the seconds of silence that passed felt like the longest of her life.

_Say something Lily, come on! You wished he was still alive a few days ago and now that he's here you're mute?_

Eventually it was Misha who broke the silence.

“It's okay, I'll get used to it, I guess... so... I plan to come to see you on Friday, around 7 pm if that's okay with you?” He went straight to the point, considering they wasted enough time already.

Lily was a bit taken aback by his sudden question, but he always had been a bold and direct type of person... She just forgot.

“Sounds fine to me. Do you wanna go somewhere specific?”

“No, no... I'll come to your place, and be sure to turn off your phone, your computer and every device that could interrupt us, because I won't allow Katie or anyone else to ruin this. We still need to catch up and it will be long, considering it's been more than twenty years... a lot happened for both of us.”

She scoffed.

“understatement. Will I see Sasha and your mom?”

“Not this weekend, sorry. But I promise I'll arrange something soon enough. Plus I'd rather catch up with you first before we consider anything else.”

_Consider anything else???_

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing I... I'm kinda lost right now to be honest with you. I need answers and you probably do too. I just know I don't want you to become a stranger.”

“I don't think I want that either.”

“Can you do me a favor?”

God he still had this soft pleading tone she used to be unable to say no to. She could almost see his puppy eyes in her mind.

“Sure.”

“Can you not... Google anything or listen to what people have to say about me until Friday? I really wanna do this face to face.”

Oh... That was an awkward request. It didn't even occur to her that she could “Google” him... Why would she search the internet about the homeless guy she dated when she was young? It was so surreal!

“Okay... I wasn't planning to anyway. I'd rather hear it from you but umm... how... how _famous_ are you exactly? Katie told me a bit about it.”

Misha had to laugh about that. It was something he never really felt comfortable to talk about with.

“Don't worry, we'll talk about that too.”

“I'm kinda curious though... Like... Can you walk the street without being recognized?”

She started enjoying this little teasing game.

“I definitely can. Depends where the street is.”

“That's vague enough.”

She heard someone knocking in the background, and a male voice calling for Misha.

“I have to go...”

“Where are you?”

“Still in Vancouver, at work, I have to go back, they're waiting for me. See you on Friday?”

“Yes...”

“Text me your address. Bye Lily.” He hung up, and Lily stared at her phone.

_It will be a long week._

 

And it was! Probably one of the longest week of her life, and not only because of Misha.

It became harder and harder to work with Hayley eyeing her from her seat between pieces of music, and Peter tried to call her everyday. She declined every time and she was considering blocking his number, but she knew he still had things at her apartment that he would want to get back, so sooner or later she would have to confront him.

Katie was also a pain in her ass the whole week. She was hysterical about the whole Misha story, and Lily had to almost yell at her to calm her down, making her swear that she wouldn't interrupt on Friday night, acting like an overexcited teenage fan-girl. She swore, but somehow Lily wasn't quite sure she would keep her promise.

 

And when Friday evening finally came, Lily found herself doubting more than ever. Was it a good thing? How did he change? She sure wasn't the same person anymore so he must not be either, twenty-two years is a very long time and apparently he went from a poor boy to a rich and famous actor so he must be... different? Would they still manage to be friends? What happened in his life? What happened right after the fire? Did he really try to find her?

Her mind was spiraling with _so_ many questions!

She was waiting in her apartment, sitting on a chair on the balcony, sipping her tea. She was observing the pathway so she would see him, but it was 7.30pm and he still wasn't here nor had he called.

Maybe he changed his mind and wouldn't come after all...

But then she saw a car approaching and her heart sank in her chest when she saw Misha getting out of it. He looked at the building and spotted her on the balcony. She waved at him with a smile and screamed: “Second floor, first door on your right!”

_He's here... You can do this Lily you're not a child anymore._

She put her cup of tea in the kitchen's sink and went to open the door. He was already waiting here.

“Hey! come in!”

“Hey. Fancy place...” He entered her apartment but didn't hug her or anything, not because he didn't want to, he just didn't know if she would accept it.

She laughed nervously, wiping her suddenly moist hands on her jeans.

“Well, not as big as the farm we used to live in but I like it. Wanna visit?”

Her apartment was situated in West Seattle near the beach. It wasn't the biggest, but it was brand new in a nice neighborhood, not to mention it was near her work place.

It was a luminous loft with brick walls and big windows offering a nice view on the ocean, which she loved, a cute kitchen with wood counters big and equipped enough to allow her to cook anything she wanted, a spacious living room with comfortable sofas and armchairs, a fluffy white carpet on the ground and even a fireplace (that she'd never lit!). Along the hallway, there were two bedrooms facing each others, but she used one as a practice room, where she could play music and dance when she felt like it. The spacious white bathroom was at the end of the hallway near her bedroom.

“I'm impressed! I like it too.”

“Make yourself comfortable, I'll bring us something to drink.”

She went to the kitchen while Misha sat on an armchair in the living room, and she soon put a huge jug full of a crystal liquid with mint leaves and two glasses on the coffee table.

“What's that?”

“Mojito! The night will probably be long, I need courage.”

Misha scoffed but happily took the glass full of beverage when Lily handed it to him. She sat on the end of the sofa next to his chair, a leg folded under her.

“So... You know where I live now, but I don't know where _you_ live. Vancouver?”

“Not really. We film in Vancouver so I have a place there but my house is in L.A.”

Lily smirked and Misha's gaze instantly fell on her lips.

“Now I'm the one who's impressed! You have two houses?”

“Don't be, only the one in L.A. is mine.”

“Oh excuse me, mister Collins... you _only_ own one house in L.A.” She couldn't help but teased. Last time they were together, he was broke and homeless and now he owned a freaking house in Los Angeles like a superstar.

“God, I just can't with that name... Sorry but you probably will never be Misha _Collins_ for me. Why did you change it in the first place?”

“You know... When you wanna succeed as an actor in L.A. and you already have a weird female firstname, it's kind of a good thing to change “Krushnic” into something more... American.” He laughed and she joined him but became serious again after a few seconds.

“So it wasn't to hide and not be found...”

And just like that the mood changed into something heavier. Misha saw the hint of pain in her green eyes.

“No... why would I want to hide, and from who? You thought I wanted to run from the life we had in Northfield? I was happy there, I had plans, we were all happy. Weren't you too?”

She quietly remembered, staring at the glass in her hand ... It was definitely the happiest years of her life. Teenagehood's insouciance, first love, a loving family around her, a nice place to live, lots of good friends...

“I was.”

“When we talked at the airport...” he paused and she saw a sparkle of mischief in his squinted eyes all of a sudden.

“Remember? After you said I was lying about who I was...”

At that comment, Lily smiled, bit her lower lip, closed her eyes and scratched the back of her neck, visibly ashamed of herself, but didn't interrupt.

“You said you were just back from Northfield. Do you often go back there?”

_Brace yourself Lily, it's time for the tragic explanation._

“No. I hadn't been in Northfield for twenty-two years. I never came back, not even once. I went back last weekend because I had to take care of a few things after grandma died. She still had her house in Litchfield and the farm was still hers too... Now they're mine and I have no idea what to to with it.”

“She died recently?”

Misha's eyes were shiny now, but not from playfulness anymore. He once loved Lily's grandmother like his own and knowing he wouldn't see her anymore was painful.

“Twelve days ago.”

“How?”

She cleared her throat.

“She was sick. Cancer.”

Misha swallowed thickly and wiped the single tear that felt down on his cheek.

“I'm sorry.”

Lily smiled, touched by the fact he was still very emotional when it came to her grandparents. She wanted to lighten the mood back, but she had too many questions that needed to be answered, and it was now or never. She put her empty glass on the coffee table and sat back comfortably on the sofa.

“She wasn't at the farm the night of the fire... You knew she was still alive, you could've gone to her to check on us... Why didn't you?”

“I _did_! After we left the hospital three days after the fire and the doctor told us you all died, that's the first thing we did! She wasn't home, she wasn't at the farm either, and when we got back the week after, the house was abandoned. I went to ask the neighbors and they told me she left the country but they didn't know where exactly. She apparently didn't tell anyone where she moved.”

  
_Fate is a cruel bitch_  
  
, Lily thought and sighed deeply. They indeed never told anyone they were moving to France. What was the point anyway?

“I stayed at the hospital for a couple weeks. Grandma never left my side.”

Misha frowned obviously worried.

“Why so long? We were out after a couple of days... I know we didn't have health insurance but still...”

“No, no it had nothing to do with that, I umm... They needed to treat my wound and it was a bit long.”

“What wound?”

“I... I got burnt on my back.”

Silence fell in the room and Misha put his glass on the coffee table too, then glanced at Lily.

“How bad was it?”

He couldn't see of course, she was hiding the scar under a long-sleeved vest.

“Well... I have an burn scar that won't go so... ugly kind of bad I guess.”

“Show me.”

_What? No way._

“Uh... No. Not happening. It's not good to see. I mean, it's just an ugly sc-”

“ _Show me, Lily!_ ” He almost pleaded with a low but insisting voice.

She froze, not knowing what to say or do to get out of this situation. She was definitely _not_ going to take her vest off just to show him the ugliest part of her body.

Misha suddenly stood up and sat behind her on the sofa, softly placing his hands on her shoulders. He turned her a little bit, facing her back, and started to slowly pull her vest off. He would've stopped at any sign of protestation, but she didn't move or make any sound. Her heart was racing, and she was breathing heavily, looking at her hands.

_Oh my God what is happening?_

When the black vest was down her shoulders' blades, he easily saw it because she was only wearing a pink tank top under it. At the top of her left shoulder blade, he stopped pulling to take a deep breath. The skin wasn't red anymore, as it happened a long time ago, it was already healed, but he could see a patch of altered and depigmented skin with weird shapes in it. It wasn't _that_ bad from his point of view, and he started pulling further down on her vest.

When he managed to take the vest off completely, his hands reached her lower back, and he gently pushed her top up.

The scar was spread on the entire length of her back, on the left, and was disappearing under her jean's waistband. Misha gasped, not because it was disgusting, but because he couldn't understand how he made it without a scratch when she had such a huge scar.

“How... How did that happen?” His voice was weak and shaky. He was still staring, and Lily started to feel very uncomfortable, so she pulled her top down and put her vest back on before turning back on the sofa to face Misha.

Her heart broke a little when she saw the pained expression on his face.

“I don't really know for sure. I passed out right after you did and I woke up like that in the hospital. When I asked the doctor, he said something very hot, or inflamed, fell from the ceiling and burnt the blanket that was on my back, which burnt my clothes and then my skin.”

“The blanket on your back?”

“Yeah... After you lost consciousness, I took the blanket off my bed and put it on my back... Don't ask me why, I don't even know myself. It was a protection reflex I suppose.”

Misha tried to remember and picture the scene in his mind, but something wasn't right.

“Why did _your_ back burn but _I_ made it without a scratch? It doesn't make sense we were in the same spot! If something fell from the ceiling it would've fall on me too!”

It hit Lily like a brick wall when she understood... she never thought about that before, but it all made sense now... She looked straight into his piercing sapphire eyes.

“I... I was laying on top of you... The flames probably didn't reach you before the firemen took us out.”

He thought hard, trying to remember, but the last thing he could recall was her distant voice calling his name. Everything went black after that.

“You... protected me?”

She shrugged like it was no big deal, but she was in tears now, and so was Misha.

Her voice was just a whisper at that point.

“I didn't think about it... I didn't know what to do so I just laid on top of you, I was sure you were already dead, you weren't breathing anymore, and I wanted to... I don't know... hug you one last time before dying myself, I guess, so I put the blanket on us and waited for who knows what like an idiot.”

This was too much for him. He leaned forward and took her in his arms, hugging her tenderly, both arms almost crushing her waist. Burying his face in the crook of her neck, he let out a loud sob.

“I'm so sorry, Lily!”

She hugged him back, placing her arms around his neck, a hand on the back of his head, the other on his shoulder.

“For what? You're not responsible for anything.”

Lily could feel his body convulsing from the sobs.

“I was supposed to protect you and I failed. I thought you died because I was so weak. I will never forgive myself.” He said with his head still buried in her neck. She could feel his warm tears running down her skin.

_And she thought she was the one feeling guilty all those years..._

They didn't move, still holding tight on each other.

“Well, I didn't die. And I certainly never thought you were weak. It's not your fault, Misha... I never blamed you for anything.”

 

He moved back just a little to look at her, but he didn't took his hands off of her. His face was wet and flushed, his eyes swollen from crying, and Lily's heart broke a little more.

His lips raised into a faint smile though.

“Can you say that again?”

“I mean it. It's not your fault.”

He smiled wider.

“No I mean... You haven't pronounced my name since we found each other back... I almost forgot how it sounds in your mouth... Say it again, please.”

 _Oh God_... He hadn't changed that much after all. He was apparently still the cheesy romantic guy she had known. Was that butterflies in her stomach all of a sudden?

“Misha...” She whispered, and a single tear dropped down her face.

Time froze. No one could tell how much time passed after that moment. They were still holding each other, not so close anymore, but staring at each other's eyes.

And then Lily smirked.

“Have you been working out?” She slightly squeezed his shoulders. Misha snorted and his eyebrows popped up.

“ _What???_ ”

“I mean... as far as I can remember, you've never really been the muscular type of guy, but look at you now...”

He let her go and burst out laughing, leaning on the sofa's back, holding his stomach.

She knew how to lighten the mood, didn't she? She soon joined him, laughing too.

“I think we need one more drink.”

She poured two more glasses and held one to him. “Cheers!”

 

**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!**

 

“Oh you gotta be kidding me! I'm gonna kill her!” Lily rolled her eyes throwing her head back.

“Katie? Why isn't she home right now?”

“She is but... she actually lives right up here on the third floor... I knew she wouldn't keep her promise!”

“Ah... you forgot to mention that.” He couldn't hide his disappointment.

_I swear to God she will regret this!_

Lily stood up angrily, opened the front door, and was suddenly face to face with Peter, her ex-boyfriend.

“You don't answer my calls... I thought I would drop by and see if you're okay...”

 

_Oh no._

 


	7. BAGGAGES

Peter waited a few seconds for her to say something, but when she didn't he stepped forward.  
“Can I come in?”  
“No. I have nothing to tell you and this isn't a good time.”  
“Why?”

When Lily didn't answer and he heard glass clinging inside her apartment, Peter understood she may not be alone, so he rushed inside.

“Is someone with you?”  
“NO! … Actually yes but-”

She stopped when the two men stared at each other, standing quietly in the center of the living room. Misha was surprised when he saw the tall dark blond man coming in Lily's apartment, as he expected to see Katie. Lily didn't know what to do, should she say something? It was quite intimidating to see them both like that. Misha wasn't small and he was well built, but Peter was even taller and had larger shoulders. He also had quite a jealous temper and she knew exactly what he was thinking right now.

Misha decided to break the ice and extended his hand, ready to welcome their unexpected stranger guest even if he just wished to be alone with Lily.  
Peter ignored him completely and turned to Lily. Rude!

“I see you didn't waste any time!”  
“Are you freaking serious right now? You've got some balls to come here after what you did and accuse me! We broke up, Peter, I told you it's over and I don't have to justify myself to you about anything. I can forgive a lot of things, but not cheating. Please, leave.”

Ah... so ex-boyfriend (or husband?). Misha could feel anger slowly growing inside of him when he thought that guy hurt her.  
“Lily, is everything okay?” He dared asking.

Peter's eyes darkened, full of rage, when he turned to look at Misha.  
“Who the fuck are you and what are you doing here with her?”  
“Peter, that's enough!” Lily stepped in front of her ex-boyfriend and put her hands on his chest, trying to hold him back. She knew how jealous he could be, and she really didn't want this to happen tonight.  
“Like I said, it is not a good time. Can we do this tomorrow? I promise I won't run. Just... Not now, please.”

She knew he couldn't resist her pleading tone, but she silently prayed for Misha to stay quiet, because she also knew if he opened his mouth again, Peter would make a fuss.  
He looked at her in the eyes.  
“Who is he?”  
“An old friend, nothing more. I'll explain tomorrow. Just go. Please, Peter... Don't make things complicated, I'm begging you.”

Luckily, Misha didn't make a sound, he was just standing on his spot frowning at the man. Lily slowly led him back to the front door.  
“Come back tomorrow. We'll talk.” She said coldly. She really didn't want to talk to him after what he did, but if it could make him leave now, she was willing to try it. At least it would give him the occasion to take his things back and go for good.  
“Lily... You know I love you right? You know I never wanted this!”

As good as it felt to hear him say he still loved her, and as much as she wanted to say it back, she had to bite her tongue to not yell at him. How could he dare saying that to her after cheating on her? He fucked a woman but didn't want it? How ridiculous was that? She felt like she could slap him right now, but she took a deep breath instead.

“I know. We'll talk tomorrow. Goodnight, Peter.”  
She kissed his cheek, nicely pushed him outside and closed the door before leaning against it. She deeply sighed when she looked in the peephole and saw he was gone. That was close.

She went back to the living room where she found Misha still standing in front on the fireplace, a questioning look on his face.  
“Ex-boyfriend?”  
“Yeah... We broke up last week after I found him in bed with another woman.”  
He scoffed. “Classy!”

They sat back on the sofa and she explained everything.  
She met Peter ten years ago in a nightclub. He was a nice guy and a really good person, they danced, they drank, they had fun, and she liked him a lot, but she hadn't want any commitment at the time, so they just dated when they were bored, lonely or horny. Two years later they couldn't deny the feelings they had for each other despite how hard they tried, so they decided to have a real relationship. They still lived in separate places though, but Peter spent most of his time in Lily's apartment.

And last week, after coming back home from her grandma's funeral, he didn't hear her entering the apartment, and when Lily heard female moans coming from her bedroom, she went to check and saw Hayley on top of him, completely naked, enjoying herself.

And he has the balls to say he didn't want it.

He tried to explain and justify himself, but there was nothing he could say to fix this. She felt dirty and betrayed. She knew she couldn't trust him anymore. They yelled at each other, she threw some of his clothes in a suitcase and slammed him out of her life. Katie was here to pick up the pieces of her broken heart, as usual, but the wound was still open.

“I really have a thing to pick the worst boyfriends ever. It's a gift.” She commented sarcastically, finishing her third glass of mojito.  
“Thank you very much...” Misha replied looking at his laps, almost vexed.  
Lily slammed a hand on her mouth and laughed, realizing her mistake.  
“God I'm sorry, it's the alcohol... Excluding you of course.”

Misha suddenly had doubts, remembering their time together. It wasn't a picnic every day and they had some issues like every couple, especially because they were still young and had such different families and backgrounds, but he thought they were good together... They always were so confident about their feelings for each other, probably because they started as very good friends when they were just kids, so the base of their relationship was already strong. But what if he was a jerk and didn't even know it? What if she thought he was lame and never told him because she realized it after she dated other guys?

“Would you tell me? I mean... If I was a bad boyfriend...”

Now that was ridiculous. She gave him a soft smile, realizing he may seem strong and confident today, but he obviously still had some trust issues. Overthinking was his specialty when he was young, and it got him in trouble a few times.  
Lily had never dated someone like Misha ever again though. She didn’t know what it was exactly, but he had something special that she never was able to find again in any other men.

Her mind wandered and she suddenly remembered her sixteenth birthday.

 

******************************************

June 9th 1990 – Northfield CT.

 

“Happy birthday.” Misha said, kissing her lips softly.  
They were cuddling on her queen size canopy bed, it was late on a sunny and warm Sunday afternoon.

Lily had the larger room of the farm, situated in the tower's attic. The ceiling was high, which allowed her to suspend white veils to make a canopy above her bed, with a lot of lights. It was a bit kitschy, but she always wanted it and she hated being in the dark, so the little lights were always on, floating above her bed like fireflies. On the wall, just above her pillows, she hung the dream-catcher her grandfather made for her when she was little.

She had turned sixteen today, and she couldn't be happier, her heart exploding with all the love she felt for the guy next to her.  
“Thank you.”  
She kissed him back, letting her hand travel up along his bare arm to grip on his blond hair. She deepened the kiss and pushed her tongue through his lips, exploring his mouth hungrily.

She couldn't get enough of him, she needed to feel him love her again. She hooked one leg around his waist and started grinding her hips against his thigh. She heard him grunt inside her mouth, and he broke the kiss, staying only inches from her lips, breathing her air.

“You really do know how to drive me crazy, don't you?”  
“Shut... up.” she laid a quick peck on his luscious lips between the two words and reached for his waistband, trying to unzip his jeans.

He grabbed her wrists and pinned them above her head, on her pillow, making her gasp from excitement.  
“God, Lily, you're getting good at that... But as much as I want this too right now, we need to go.”

She whined, desperately swaying her body under his.  
“Please Misha... Let's just say it's my birthday present.”  
He kissed her lips quickly once more.  
“You can have that present later. Promise. I have something to show you first.” He let her wrists go.

That picked her curiosity for sure.  
“What is it?”  
“Well... your actual birthday present. Follow me.”  
He grabbed her hand and they climbed down the tower stairs, rushing outside.

“Moooom! Lily and Misha are leaving!!!” They heard Ryan whining from the kitchen.  
They stopped in their track and turned around to face him.  
“You little weasel!” Lily spat to her little brother, squinting her eyes.  
Mary went to check outside, an open recipe book in her hand and flour all over her apron.  
“Where are you two going?” she softly asked her daughter.  
“I wish I could tell you, mom, but apparently it's a surprise.”

Mary observed Misha suspiciously when Rebecca’s head popped behind her shoulder.  
“I asked Misha to go get some strawberries for the pie; they're just going in the orchard. They won't be long.” She winked at Lily who tried her best to stay serious.

“Alright... Birthday dinner in an hour. I cooked, so don't be late.”  
“Sure! Thanks mom!”

She could always count on Rebecca to ease the situation. She was such a cool and understanding mom, always taking Lily’s side when it came to flirting with her son. Mary wasn’t against the idea of them flirting, but she was far from imagining what was actually going on between them. She would be pissed if she knew they had a more mature relationship. Mary was born in a very religious family, praising no sex before marriage… If she knew that Misha was sneaking into Lily’s room every night, she probably would lock her daughter for the rest of her life.

Misha started running again, pulling Lily with him by the hand. They ran all across the domain until they reached the pond. Lily was out of breath, she hated running.

“A heart attack? That's your birthday present?”  
Misha laughed softly.  
“Running is healthy, you'll thank me later.”  
“I sure will...” she raised a meaningful eyebrow.  
“Your present is on the willow tree. Find it.”

Lily glanced at Misha and went to scan the tree, still out of breath, and saw nothing. How was she supposed to see something on such a huge tree among all those leaves anyway?  
“Okay... You lost me. I can't see anything unusual.”  
“You have to look at the back of the trunk, you lazy ass!”  
She frowned and walked behind the tree, and she stopped dead when she saw the words 'Will you marry me?' carved in the trunk.

Misha walked towards her, leaned against the tree and took her hand. She didn’t know what to say, or how to react. Her mouth was just hanging open but no words could escape.

“I literally have nothing to offer, I can't even give you a nice ring... but God knows how much I love you, you make me happy, and I want to make you happy too... for the rest of your life. I have plans, and I'd love to share them with you, if you want to.”

She was speechless, she didn't expect that a second. They'd never talked about such a huge commitment. Misha was moving a lot with his family, so she never thought he was the kind of guy to think about marriage, especially so early.

She didn't care about all the things he could buy her or not, she loved him too and that was enough for her. He knew how to make her happy and that was the most important thing. Nothing could ever change that, and she suddenly thought about how perfect life would be if they could be together forever.

“I… I didn’t expect that.”  
“I know… Last time I left with mom and Sasha was torture, and I surprised myself thinking about a life where I wouldn’t have to leave you constantly. That’s when I understood what I had to do.”

She looked at him with shiny eyes, deeply touched by the fact that he felt the same as she did. She hated being away from him too, she felt incomplete when he was far.

When Misha saw she wasn’t saying anything, he started doubting about his idea, thinking that maybe it was too much for her, but he didn’t show his fear. It felt so perfect in his mind that he never thought she could actually not say yes…

“Misha… we’re sixteen.”  
“Yes, I know how old we are, thank you. I’m not saying we should do it right now. I just want to know if the idea of spending our life together is as appealing to you as it is to me. We can wait after we graduate from college and have a job, but I want to make sure you won’t just… go away from me.”

But what if she wanted someone better? What if she wanted a rich man who could take care of her and offer anything she wanted? What if she was ashamed of being with someone like him?

His hand started to moisten so he suddenly let go of hers.  
“I… I will understand if you don’t want to.”  
He looked down at his feet and her heart broke a little when she realized he was scared because of her hesitation.

“My mom is going to have a heart attack...”  
She pressed her hand on her mouth, giggled, and a single tear fell from her eye.

Misha looked up and his face lightened when he saw the happy expression on her face.  
He chuckled, relieved to see she was starting to consider the idea, and amused because she was definitely right about her mother.  
“Is that a yes?”

She threw her arms around him and kissed him tenderly.

“Yes.”

 

*************************************************

 

Lily looked at Misha and had trouble realizing that the man facing her was the same that proposed to her twenty two years ago. How fragile life can be… who would’ve thought they would be here today? They were supposed to spend their life together, and now they were basically total strangers.

“You were not a bad boyfriend, Misha, I swear. I wouldn't have said yes if you were.”  
She remembered that day, near the willow tree, and her heart clenched. They were still facing each other on the sofa.

He smiled, remembering too, his chest constricting when he thought he married someone else and she didn’t even know it yet. It was ridiculous, but despite the two decades that passed and his new happy life with Vicki, he couldn't help feeling like he was cheating on Lily, and he was ashamed.  
“I hope so.”

They never had the occasion to tell anyone about their plan to get married back then, they were torn apart a couple weeks later, and now that Lily thought about it, it was probably a good thing. Her mother would have definitely had a heart attack. She knew about them dating because she surprised them kissing one day, and she was smart enough to notice when two people were in love, but she didn't know much more, and Lily doubted she was ready to hear it.

They didn't plan anything, they were way too young, but when they used to talk about it, they always used to say they would get married after college. Misha wanted to go to law school first, and start a political career “to change a few things in the world”, and Lily wanted to be a professional dancer at that point. They both chose another direction after all.

 

“Do you know someone burnt your carved proposal in the willow tree?” She remembered last weekend when she broke down crying at the pond.  
“I know... I did it.” Misha looked down at his feet, almost ashamed of himself.  
“What? Why?”  
“I used to go back there every year, on June 30th, like an anniversary if you want. I used to go to the cemetery to your family’s grave, and then at the farm.”

Once again, Lily thought fate was a bitch. If they had carved each family member’s first names on that grave, he would’ve seen her name wasn’t on it, and he would probably have kept searching for her.

“I did that for five years. The fifth year, I went there after I graduated, and I remembered we used to say we would get married around that time, and I totally lost it. I went to the tree and I was so mad that I wanted to tear it down, but of course it was impossible… so I just burnt the carving with my tiny lighter. It took forever and I burnt my fingers a few times, plus that was stupid because I was already dating Vicki, but I just wanted to make it disappear. I never went back to Northfield after that.”

“Vicki?” She tilted her head.

_Damn it! Well done Misha._

He hadn't plan to drop it just like that. Why was he feeling so bad about this? He had nothing to feel guilty about, he thought she was dead, he had to move on, right? She did the same after all.

He couldn't take it back though, it was time to tell her, so he just admitted it directly.

“She's my wife... I'm married.”

Oh.

She straightened a little on the sofa and put her feet on it, folded her legs and hugged her knees, but she stayed quiet and her expressionless face was making him feel even more uncomfortable.

She expected him to have a girlfriend or something, but she couldn't deny the tiny sting she felt in her chest at that moment. It wasn't jealousy or anything, she did not have those feelings for him anymore, but she was just … surprised, she guessed.

Since she still wasn’t saying anything, Misha decided he would drop the last part too, at least she would know everything after that and his conscience would be clean.

“We have two kids.”

Damn... How come it never crossed her mind that he could be a father too? That’s what normal people do, right? Probably because she never had children herself.

She played it cool, she actually was a bit curious about this.  
“Oh... How old are they?”  
“West is two and a half and Maison is eight months old.”

She was a bit startled, but she thought he must be a great father. He never really had his father around and she knew it was something that made him sad, so she supposed he was doing everything to avoid this situation with his own children.

“West and Masson...” She tested the names.  
“Yes... Maison spelled like... the French word for home.”

She smiled weakly.  
“That's poetic. I like it! How long have you been married? How did you meet her?”

_Come on Lily you sound like it's an examination!_

“It's been almost twelve years. We umm... we met in high-school.”

Wait... what?  
Misha was with HER when he was in high-school, how was that possible? Was Vicki someone who went to school with them? Was he cheating on her too???

“In high-school? Do I know her?” she asked innocently, trying to hide her discomfort.  
“No, you don't. We moved to another state after we found out you were all gone. I met her in my senior high-school year.”

Oh right, they didn't finished high-school when it happened.  
“Ah.” That was actually a relief. She couldn't really picture him with any of her old female classmate.  
There was still something bothering her though...

“So you started dating her in high-school?”  
That was a little... upsetting. Lily wondered how he could have been so fast to move on. It took her years to be able to start a new serious relationship. Maybe she was just a pathetic romantic woman and thought their relationship meant more than it actually did.

“Not as soon as I met her. But yeah... I found her... intriguing. You'll probably understand when you meet her.” He laughed and kept looking nervously at his fingers. He still didn’t know why, and it was stupid, but he felt like he had to justify himself.

“I was honest with her, I told her about you and she understood. And I knew I needed to move on so... By the end of the year we were dating.” He looked at Lily, hoping that he didn't sound like a total jerk, but was soon relieved when he saw her smile.

“Do you have pictures? You can't just throw a bomb like that and not show me.”

He scoffed and reached for his phone in his pocket, searched for a picture where they were all three on it and handed her his phone.

“God, your son is super cute!” He saw her smile widening and knew she was sincere.  
“Of course he is, he looks like his dad!”  
She handed his phone back.  
“Where are they right now?”  
“Vancouver.”  
“Why didn't you bring them with you?”  
“Because I needed to do this alone... I needed to be sure everything was fine before involving them.”  
“Everything is perfectly fine with me at least.”

He didn't say anything for a few seconds; he just frowned and looked at his knees absentmindedly. Something was obviously bothering him.  
“Isn't it fine with you?” She pressed, suddenly a bit worried.

Still nothing... He looked at her like he wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words, and that made her worry even more.  
“Misha, what is it?”  
“Did I mess this up?”

Uh?

“Did I move too early and missed the occasion to be with you like we planned to? You came back to the farm and I could’ve been here but I left… again.”

Lily fidgeted uncomfortably on the sofa. That was a weird question; he wasn’t supposed to feel guilty for anything, especially not because he moved on and found happiness!

“No! Misha no... It was just… fate, I guess? I left for France right after they were done with me at the hospital. You couldn't have crossed my way. The moment they told us no one survived was the end, we only got back to the farm like... two minutes at the end of the main road, just to say goodbye, and then I stayed in France for twelve years.”

He tilted his head and smirked.  
“You lived in Europe?”  
“Yep. Grandma had a good friend in Nice and she decided to move there because it was just too hard for her and for me to stay in Northfield among the memories of our lost family. She knew I needed to start over or I would lose my mind. She needed it too.”  
“So, you... speak French?”  
“Oui Monsieur... Et couramment s'il vous plaît!” she winked.  
“Holy shit that's kinda sexy! I didn't know! You ate baguettes and stinky cheese and you kissed people to say hello for twelve fucking years?”  
She burst out laughing.  
“You have no idea how scared I was the first time someone kissed me like that... Like, ew what do you want? Get the hell away from me!”  
“I wanna know everything. I'm serious.” Misha pointed his index finger at her.

They spent almost the whole night sitting on the sofa, talking about their lives.  
Lily was so happy he made things so easy. It didn't feel awkward at all, it was like seeing an old friend after a few weeks being apart, not twenty-two years!

She talked about her experience in France, they laughed a lot at all the silly things that happened to her there because of culture shock. She explained how she met Katie, how they became like sisters, how they fought to be the best at what they did to be able to work at the Seattle Symphony today. Then she told him a bit about her job.

Misha talked about how he ended up being an actor, and about his family.  
They exchanged pictures, they laughed, they cried, and it felt good. It felt like home again.

Misha left at 5.30 am, exhausted but satisfied and happy. He couldn't stay longer; he had a convention to attend on the weekend. He promised to call her, Lily thanked him, they hugged and it was done.

They still had a lot to learn about each other, they couldn't catch up on two decades in one night, but they were both happy to have found each other back. That night, when Lily went to bed, she felt complete again.


	8. Nostalgia

  
  
When the music stopped after the final piece, the crowd stood up, loud applause and cheers resonated in the Taper Auditorium of Seattle. It was Friday night, they just ended tonight's concert with the famous Bach's Toccata and Fugue piece. The musicians all stood up, Ludovic turned back to face the audience, and they all bowed in unison to salute their public before exiting the stage.

They would now have dinner in the reception hall, with the administration members, founders and special guests, but first they needed to go backstage to put their instruments away and freshen up.

Lily took the time to fix her make up a little bit, and to loosen her hair that she had to keep tied for this night's concert, as it was a medley of classical pieces, they all needed to be very formal.

She was wearing a long black slit dress, tied on the back of her neck. She liked it, but she usually wore it with her hair down to hide the scar that was a bit visible on her shoulder blade.

As she was busy brushing her long hair, David entered the backstage room and called her.

“Lily, someone's here for you. Can I let them in?”

Lily glanced at Katie to check if she had any idea who it was, but she was visibly as puzzled as her, as they didn't expect anyone special.

“Do you know who they are?”

“Nope.” He shrugged.

People outside the symphony were not allowed to go backstage, so she decided to go out of the room to see who it was, and she was startled to see Misha with his mother, Sasha, his wife and kids.

Without even a word, she rushed toward Rebecca and hugged her tight, unable to hold back her tears, ruining her make-up in the process.

“Oh my sweet Lily! You have no idea how happy I am to finally see you again. I almost didn't believe Misha when he told me everything, but here you are! Look how beautiful you are!”

Rebecca extended her arms, her hands staying on Lily's shoulders, gently pushing her away from her so she could observe the woman she became.

“You haven't changed that much... your hair is red though.” She winked with a playful smile.

“And yours is gray...” They both laughed and embraced each other again, when they heard a male voice interrupting.

“Alright, mom, that's enough, my turn now!”

Lily felt someone pull on her right shoulder and she turned around to face Sasha, who pulled her closer to hug her too.

“Hey Maestro. I see you made it good...” He softly said in her ear, using the nickname he gave her when they were young, as she used to practice a lot and he always loved watching her.

She giggled and squeezed him a little. She had given him a nickname too, based on his favorite food at the time...

“Hey Pickle!” A loud laughter escaped him, remembering the hundreds of times he went to the garden to steal them.

“Where is _your_ hair???” Lily asked while ruffling quickly on the top of his head.

“You don't wanna know.”

She finally turned to Misha, who was so happy about this reunion that his eyes were all red and shiny, unable to contain his emotion. He hugged her too and he held her tight, feeling her body shaking.

“Hey. You alright?”

“You didn't say you were coming today... I wasn't psychologically prepared for this. But yeah, I'm great!”

“Sorry, I wanted to surprise you. I couldn't wait any longer... neither could they.”

He let her go and turned, reaching out for his wife's hand.

“Lily, this is my wife, Vicki, and my daughter Maison.”

Now that was a little awkward... Lily didn't really know what to do. Should she hug her? She couldn't... she was holding Maison in her arms. Or shake her hand? Would she accept the gesture? She didn't know this woman and she probably didn't like the idea of meeting his husband's first love. Thankfully, Vicki knew exactly what to do. She put her eight months sleeping daughter in Misha's arms, stepped forward and hugged Lily.

“Hi Lily. It's very nice to finally meet you in person. You have no idea how much I heard about you and your family those last... twenty years or so.” She giggled.

Okay so... she was apparently fine with this situation, which was a good point and Lily immediately felt good vibes from her, so she gave her a quick hug too and smiled heartedly.

“It's a pleasure to meet you too, Vicki. And I suppose the cute little boy hiding in his grandma's skirt is West?”

She walked near Rebecca and crouched down. West was eyeing her suspiciously, chewing on his fist, but after she gave him a quick peck on his cheek, he found the courage to speak.

“I wanna play!”

Lily's eyes widened a bit; she was expecting pretty much everything except that.

“You want to play? Just like that?” She smiled.

Misha smiled and took West’s hand.

“Umm... He actually wants you to teach him how to play the piano because I told him you did that for me. He enjoyed the concert very much.”

Lily giggled and booped West's nose.

“I think I should be able to teach you a few things.” She winked and stood up, wiping her face to try to clean the smeared make up disaster while West jumped to express his excitement.

Katie suddenly popped out of the backstage room, probably to go to the reception hall, and stopped on her track when she saw Misha.

“Heyyy, you're here!” she smiled and walked next to Lily. “You still owe me a picture by the way.” She winked at Misha.

“Katie...” He greeted her with a nod, and she extended her hands to Rebecca first, then to the others.

“Hi everyone, I'm Katie... Lily's BFF, nice to meet you. No need for presentation, I... unlike her, know perfectly who you all are.”

Misha coughed.

“Formal BFF, I'm back now.”

It seemed like Katie and Misha would soon develop a habit of teasing each other.

“Yeah, yeah, dream on. You're just the guy she used to fu-”

“ _ **KATIE**_! We should go to dinner right now!” Lily screamed in panic, her heart pounding in her chest and her eyes almost popping out of her head realizing what her friend was about to say in front of his _wife and son_.

Vicki laughed and picked Maison back in her arms.

“Alright, you go to dinner, I go back to the apartment to put the kids to bed. We'll catch up tomorrow, Lily. It was really nice meeting you, I can't wait to talk more.” She nodded to her, then to Misha, and left.

Lily winced and looked at Misha, embarrassed and worried.

“I'm sorry... is she mad?”

“Don't worry, she's not the jealous type.” He winked.

“Lily, we have to go now.” Katie pressed.

Rebecca's face fell, full of disappointment.

“Aren't we going to spend the evening with you? I have so much to tell you!”

“We are, mom, we'll kidnap her if we have to.” Sasha replied.

Lily didn't know if she could escape the dinner, so she looked at Katie for help one more time.

“Just go, I'll find something to fool them.” She nudged at her friend.

“But only if I can have my picture with you first, Mr Collins!”

Katie raised her phone and Misha smiled.

“Alright, let's do this once and for all.” He leaned his face next to Katie and pulled Lily's hand, implying he wanted her to be on the picture too. “Come here.”

“My face is all messed up!” She protested, trying to free her arm from Misha.

“I don't care.”

“I do!!!”

“Just come here and shut up.” He joked, not willing to give up.

She sighed heavily but complied, rubbing her face one more time, realizing she couldn't escape anyway.

The picture turned out being not so bad, Misha smiling in the center, Lily's face wasn't so messed up anymore, and Katie had a huge grin on hers.

“That definitely will end up on my Twitter!” She jumped happily, clapping her hands.

Lily rolled her eyes.

“Alright, give me a few minutes and we can go wherever you want.”

She went to find Ludo and explained him she didn't feel too good so she would go home and, as always, he was very considerate about it.

 

They decided to go to Lily's place, first because Rebecca and Sasha were curious to see where she lived now, and they also wanted privacy.

Once again, Lily explained what happened to her after the fire, and they talked for a few more hours, remembering good times and laughing a lot, until it was the middle of the night.

“Can we do something all together tomorrow?” Misha asked when they were ready to leave.

“Sure. Just call me and we'll arrange something. But not too early... I need sleep.” She smiled and he nodded.

They left at 3 am to go back to the apartment Misha rented for the weekend, and Lily went to bed happy. It was like finding a small piece of her family back, and she was very grateful for that. They hadn't change, they were still the lovely family she used to know, still very close to each other, and she needed that now more than ever, because she had no family anymore.

 

 

 

The day after, Misha called early in the afternoon, asking if they could spend the rest of the day at the beach. The kids would be happy and busy playing, and they could catch up more, including Vicki this time.

Lily brought them to a nice beach in West Seattle, not too far from her place, but empty enough to not have too many people creeping on them the whole day.

As soon as they arrived, West wanted to jump in the water, so Misha and his mother played with the kids while Sasha went to buy some food. Vicki and Lily were sitting side by side on a wooden picnic table facing the ocean, observing the happy family having a good time.

“How does it feel?” Vicki asked suddenly, turning to Lily with a questioning look.

Lily didn't understand exactly what she was talking about.

“What?”

“Seeing the man you planned to spend the rest of your life with playing with the kids he had with another woman.”

Lily's face must've been really shocked because Vicki's smile was full of empathy as she went on.

“Yes. He told me about your plans a long time ago. I know how he feels but... I can't help wondering what it must feel like for you.”

_Oh God, we're not seriously having this conversation._

Vicki was obviously even bolder than Misha! Lily was still looking at them playing and laughing, and a weak but sincere smile appeared on her face.

“Well... It felt awkward at first. I was a bit taken aback when he told me he had a family because in my mind he was still the young Misha I knew, but it was so long ago that sometimes I even wonder if it was real. We both changed and moved on. I'm just glad that he's happy. He deserves that. I can feel you're the right person for him.”

“Were you honestly ready to marry him? Or did you just say yes in the heat of the moment? I'm asking because... I think he always wondered, you know... considering you had so little time to talk about it after he proposed, and he always felt a bit ashamed about your wealthy background and the fact that he was just... nobody with nothing to offer.”

Now _that_ did hurt a little. Misha always had been the self loathing type of guy with a serious lack of self confidence when he was young, it was something he fought against his whole childhood and it eventually got worst in his early teenage years, but Lily thought it got better at the end, and she never thought he could've doubted her. She knew he was feeling ashamed because of their different social situations, they used to talk about it a lot, but they at least used to be very open about their feelings, so she assumed he felt as confident as she did about their future.

“I was really ready to spend the rest of my life with him, yes. It wasn't...” She paused to puff, feeling uneasy. “You _do_ realize how super awkward it is to talk about that with you, right?”

Vicki laughed.

“Sorry, it's not awkward for me. Misha and I are very... Well let's just say we're not the conventional type of married couple.”

Lily raised her eyebrow.

“What's that supposed to mean? You look perfect to me.”

“We are... because we were good friends first, and I guess we still are. But... We don't have the same kind of relationship you had, I guess. He's not the same Misha with me than he is with you. We're not enough for each other. We will never be.”

_WHAT???_

“Not enough? Are you seriously telling _me_ that Misha is not enough for you?” She tried to hide it but she couldn't help the anger in her voice.

How could that be possible? He was caring, kind, honest, respectful, faithful, loyal, romantic, handsome, a good lover as far as she could remember, obviously a great father too, and now even rich and famous... What more did she need?

“Don't get me wrong. I'm not enough for him either. We both know that, we learnt to live with it and to deal with it.”

Vicki must've seen the shocked look on Lily's face because she laid a hand on her forearm.

“You were enough for him though. As much as I can tell from what he told me, you had a special bond that we never found together. But it's fine! I love him like that and he loves me his way too. I admit it can be a little awkward to hear it like that, but with time you'll see it's a good thing.”

Lily froze, not knowing what to think or what to answer to such a huge revelation. She unfroze when a ball bumped her head though.

“Ouch!”

 

“Oops! Sorry, Lily! You okay?”

Misha walked toward them with Maison and sat on the table facing them. Vicki stood up and went to play in the sand with her daughter, giving them some privacy.

Lily was still speechless and looked at Misha with a puzzled expression on her face.

  
“What? Do I have something on my face?” He rubbed his nose.

“No, no... sorry, I just... Your wife is really something else!”

He smiled, not surprised.

“She is. Told you I was intrigued when I met her. She's still full of surprises.”

“Do you love her?”

Misha was a bit startled by her sudden boldness but answered sincerely.

“Of course I do!”

She cleared her throat and fidgeted.

“I mean... Are you _in love_ with her?”

He frowned.

“What did she tell you exactly?”

“You're not answering the question...”

“I just told you I love her!”

“That's not what I'm asking.”

Misha saw his brother coming back, his arms full of food bags, and he was glad to have an excuse to change the subject.

“Sasha's here finally, I'm starving!”

He jumped up and ran toward his brother. “What took you so long?”

_What the hell just happened?_

 

They all sat down to eat something, and when they were done, Misha asked Lily to come for a walk with him and West. She assumed he wanted to resume their previous conversation, but she was wrong. He avoided talking about his marriage all along.

“I have something to attend next weekend and I would love if you could come with me, if you have nothing planned.” He asked after a few minutes. West was running ahead of them, near the water, screaming and laughing each time the cold waves reached his small feet.

“Something? Can you be more specific?”

“A Supernatural convention... in Italy.”

“You want me to come with you to _Italy_ to attend a thing I don't know anything about?”

“When you put it like that it sounds bad... But yeah. I'd love to. We'll have fun!”

She wasn't sure if it was a good idea. She knew nothing about his job, she would probably feel like a fish out of the water.

 

“Excuse me, you're Misha Collins, right?” They heard someone ask behind them and they stopped, turning back to face a young woman.

“I am.”

“Oh my God, I'm a huge fan, I love you soooo much! Can I take a picture with you and West please?”

“Sure!”

Lily observed quietly when he took a selfie with this young girl. Another awkward moment to add on today's list! They shared a few words and he gave her a quick hug. When she walked away, she was staring at her screen with a huge smile.

“What just happened?” Lily asked with her eyebrows raised.

“You heard her, she's a huge fan.” He winked.

“Of _West_ too??”

“Ah yes, that's because I posted a video of West cooking and I think my fans kinda liked it so... well I'll show you later.”

They didn't speak for a while, resuming their walk and observing West picking up some shells.

Then Lily suddenly giggled and imitated the young fan.

“I love you sooooo much!” She couldn't stop laughing and Misha joined her soon enough.

“How weird is it to be stopped by strangers who say they love you uh? You said you could walk the street without being recognized!”

“And I added it depends where the street is.” They chuckled harder.

It was so weird for her that she really couldn't stop giggling, holding her stomach, repeating “I love you soooo much!” in a high pitched voice.

“Are you laughing at me, you little brat?”

“Absolutely!”

“Westie?” Misha called his son who immediately turned to look at his dad.

“I think that insolent lady needs a severe punishment... What should we do to her?”

“In the waterrrrr!!!” West screamed and jumped happily.

“Uh uh, no. I don't have anything to change. Out of the question!” She raised a warning finger and started walking back, seeing Misha's naughty smirk.

She started running when he sped up, West following them giggling and screaming “In the water Daddy, in the water!!!”

Misha caught her by the waist, pulling her toward the ocean, their feet already in the water.

“You always were a lame runner!”

“Doooon't!”

When the water was at his knee, he tried to let her go and throw her further in the water, but of course she held on him so tight that they both ended up in the cold ocean.

“YAYYYY!” West was delighted, jumping everywhere and still laughing when they walked out of the water, soaking wet.

“Holy shit! You're going to regret being born, Krushnic!” She said twisting her long white skirt.

Misha burst out laughing again.

“You're probably the only person on earth still calling me like that!”

“Shut up!” She sat on the warm sand and wrung her hair out.

“You didn't answer my question, Lily.” He pointed out, suddenly very serious again, keeping an eye on West playing in the water.

Right... Italy... convention... fans and I love yous all weekend. Lily sighed, she didn't think it was something she could be comfortable with.

“I don't know, Misha... Is it the whole weekend? As fun as it was to see you take a picture on the beach with one fan, I don't think I could spend a whole weekend listening to people I don't know talking about a TV show I don't know, standing in a corner while I wait for you to be done...”

“Oh come on! You don't even know what you're talking about, I swear I'll try to be with you as often as I can, it starts on Friday morning and ends on Sunday evening, we'll have plenty of time. We can even go dance and shopping in Rome...”

Oh damn, that was appealing for sure!

“Plus I'm sure you'll love my coworkers! You owe me this! I had to deal with _your_ coworker a.k.a _Katie_!”

She snorted.

“Katie is a hyper little brat, but I would probably be dead without her. You'll see, she's a good person.”

“So are my friends.”

She sighed. She actually saw a great opportunity here...

“Okay... I'll join you in Italy, BUT... I'll go first to Nice on Friday, it's not that far from Italy's border, to visit Katie's parents, and I'll join you on Saturday. Deal?”

“Yes, perfect!”

And that's how Lily ended up being invited to JIB4.

When Misha saw her shiver, he gently rubbed her arm and suggested to go back.

 

 

 

The day ended in an Indian restaurant. They ate all together and said goodbye to each other, promising to keep in touch and meet again.

 

Lily went to visit Katie when she got back home, they sat on the balcony drinking tea, and of course she couldn't hide her excitement when she told her everything.

“He invited you to JIBcon? Oh my God! I'm so freaking jealous!”

“You should go, I'm sure you'll enjoy it more than I will.” Lily suggested, rising her mug to her lips.

“We'll go next year together if you want, but you really need to meet the cast, they're lovely people. You can't pretend being Misha's friend and avoid everything he does.”

“Ugh! I hate when you're right.”

“Talking about conventions, I found something very cute today...” Katie pointed out, grabbing her phone. “Misha actually talked about your grandfather once at a convention, and I think you should watch it.”

It took her a few seconds before she found it and handed her phone to Lily, who was now very curious. What could Misha say about her grandfather to his fans? Why would they care?

She silently watched and smiled as Misha rolled his eyes at a fan who was saying he was an inspiration for a lot of people, then asked what inspired _him_.

He thought about his answer for a few seconds and replied he liked people who live their life leading good examples for others as opposed to those who are preaching and tell you what to do.

He then pointed out he met people in his life who were good examples for him, he smiled slightly, obviously remembering something, and that's where he started talking about the paper routes he did when he was nine. Lily grinned as she remembered it was the way she met him in the first place.

Her heart almost stopped when she heard him pronounce her grandfather's name in front of so many people. Why would he tell such a random story? Her grandpa was an admirable man who indeed did a lot for Misha and his brother, among others, but she didn't remember it meant that much to him at the time.

Misha explained how he met him and they talked, and she remembered it very well because she was here too that day. Mr Hagen introduced himself to Misha, then he introduced Lily and they talked for a few minutes. Misha told them he was living with his mother and brother but their father wasn't with them, and of course, Lily's grandfather was moved by his story and couldn't help taking these boys under his wings.

Misha told the fan how he taught them Chinese... which was a big word for it really, he just taught them a few random words as he never spoke Chinese fluently, only traveled a few times there, or how he taught them handy work. She suddenly pictured her grandma's house in Litchfield, the workshop still full of their wood works, the small plane they first did that was still waiting on a shelf... She also could hear the emotion in his voice when he explained he used to take them in restaurant with their mother because she didn't have the money to take her sons out to dinner.

He pointed that it was a generous and meaningful act that Mr Hagen never asked anything in return for, and it was true. Lily never thought about how much it meant for them... It was just a normal thing to do for him. She started to see it now though.

And then she observed Misha swinging nervously on his chair, talking about the day they went back in Litchfield years later, and brought him Christmas presents. Her grandmother opened the door that day, it was two weeks after Mr Hagen died, and Lily could still hear the loud sob Misha let out when she told them he passed away.

And it was apparently still vivid in Misha's mind too, because he broke down on stage in front of his fans...

 

She paused the video and handed the phone back to Katie. She wiped the few tears that flowed down her face and looked at her friend.

“I think you and your family had a bigger impact on Misha that you imagined.”

Lily was silent for a few seconds as she snuggled in her fluffy vest.

“They stayed in Lichtfield for two years before Rebecca decided to move out the first time. The morning they left for another state, I was eleven at the time... We were all here to say goodbye. When they were gone, my grandfather turned to my grandma and he said he felt like loosing two sons all over again. I think the impact was mutual... he loved them. I don't know if he ever told them though.”

Katie held her friend's hand, obviously moved by this story too.

“Thank you for being a creep and finding this video.”

Katie burst out laughing.

“You're welcome!”

Lily stood up and stepped inside.

“It's time for bed now... Goodnight Katie.”

“Goodnight, sweetie!”

 

Lily went to bed, overwhelmed by the video she just watched. She was very nostalgic and eager to see Misha again, but then... she thought about Italy and she was so nervous. She tried not to think about it too much, she still had four days to prepare.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the video I'm talking about, the one that touched me so deep that I couldn't stop thinking about it. It inspired me to write this fic. Misha talked about him more than once, and each time he tears up. (I obviously changed the names, I thought it would be more respectful).  
> Here are a few links of vids where he talks about it :  
> At Asylum 8 : https://youtu.be/cXBvmn7Ylbw?list=PL80AF8CD363213F6B&t=264  
> or here : https://youtu.be/g_b5mNdzBlw?list=PL81DD34E032EC6F5F&t=710
> 
> I'm sure there's more, feel free to send me other links if you find more, I'll be glad to watch it and add them here :)
> 
> Also thank you for reading and leaving kudos <3 It means a LOT to me and it keeps me writing :)


	9. Back To France

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut is finally here. Hope you enjoy ;) Let me know what you think (but be nice lol)

Lily and Katie were ready to fly to France. Katie was so excited to see her family again that she could have cried. She planned to stay with them the whole weekend while Lily would join Misha in Rome on Saturday, and they'd both be back on Tuesday for work.

“Do we have I direct flight?” Lily asked nervously.  
“Yes ma’am.”  
“I hate flying...” She whined, fidgeting on her seat while waiting for the plane to start moving.  
“Poor baby. Brace yourself, it's gonna be a long trip!”

And it was indeed a very long flight. It lasted almost fifteen hours, but Lily had been smart enough to take sleeping pills with her so she was all fresh when they arrived in Nice on Friday morning.

In the taxi driving them to Katie's place, Lily turned her phone back on and was startled to hear it buzzing constantly. She had tons of Twitter notifications and was suddenly very suspicious. When she opened her Twitter app, she turned to look at her best friend with a furious look on her face. If looks could kill, Katie would be dead by now.

“What the hell did you do?”  
She sneaked at her phone innocently.  
“What? I was bored and couldn't sleep.”

Of course she had to take a picture of her while she was sleeping in the plane, looking totally ridiculous and gross with her mouth wide open, and post it online, tagging Misha who retweeted and replied back!

@mishacollins  
What a stunning piece of art! Isn't she cutest when she drools? @lilyhagen

 

“People are freaking out now! They wanna know who I am!”  
“Relax! He'll probably explain. They won't bother you… maybe. Can we please enjoy this weekend?”  
A spark of mischief appeared on Katie's face when she thought deeper.  
“Orrrrr.... You could reply something super embarrassing about him so he will have to explain that to his fans in Rome and you’ll be fine!”

Lily rolled her eyes but considered it for a few seconds before shaking her head.  
“No, no, I... actually I have a revenge to take but... no, no I can't do that. You're a bad influence Katie, shut up now!”

Katie giggled happily but didn’t protest, knowing it was completely true. If Lily had to compare her to someone else, she would probably say that she was the female version of Darius, always getting her in trouble for something she usually didn’t do or wasn’t responsible for. She hadn’t thought about Darius for something like twenty years, he was her and Misha’s friend when they were young, but she sadly never kept in touch with him after she moved to Europe, and she suddenly wondered where he was or what he was doing at this moment.

“Alright, so let’s embrace my bad influence on you… What would you actually say if you had to find an embarrassing story about Misha?”  
“Are you trying to extort some dirty gossip from me or something?”  
“Nooo! I would never do that... You didn't answer the question though... I mean you probably have some stories about him that he wouldn't be proud of... considering you were young I assume he was your first... you know... and the first time is often... well...”

Lily's eyes widened when she understood what Katie was suggesting.  
“Who do you think I am? We were fifteen; of course he was the first!”

Katie shifted a little closer to her friend, very interested in this conversation.  
“How was it?” she whispered, winked and nudged at her with a dirty smirk on her face.

Lily had to roll her eyes at that typical demonstration of Katie's boldness, always putting her nose in other’s life, especially when it came to the naughty details. Lily tried to remember and pictured the scene in her mind though, and Katie didn’t miss the smile appearing on her face when she did.  
“It was... not as bad as I expected.”  
“What? That’s it? Oh, come on, Lily, you gotta give me something, it's me! You know I won't tell anyone! At least... where?”  
Lily sighed deeply but complied, trying not to give too much away.  
“In the barn you saw at the farm.”

Katie clapped her hands, almost bouncing on the car seat.  
“Oooh, not even in a bed, that's dangerous for a first time! I like! So... How fast was it? Did you... enjoy?”  
“Holy shit, Katie! That's personal, I won't say more, you know too much already, you perv.”

Katie leaned back in her seat, crossed her arms and pouted.

Good. Now she'll be quiet.

Lily leaned her head on the cab window, remembering that day while looking out absentmindedly.

 

***************************************************

October 1989 – Northfield.

 

Misha offered his hand to help her climbing up the ladder.

It was already late that day, and the sun was gone, so it was quite dark inside the car barn. Only a few weak bulbs were lit, giving the place a nice warm and cozy atmosphere, which was perfect for the occasion.

He wanted to give something to Lily, but he didn't want to be disturbed by his or her family. He originally planned to give it to her up on their willow tree, but as it was raining and a little chilly outside, he decided climbing inside the barn would be alright too. It was the end of the day, so he knew nobody would come here.

She sat on the hay and winced.  
“Oh, damn! It stings!”  
Misha laughed.  
“That's why I planned everything!” He showed her the patchwork blanket that she always had on her bed. He took it with him, knowing he would have to use it because it was a bit cold, but he actually laid it on the hay so Lily could sit comfortably.

“So... I needed some privacy, because I made something a while ago with your grandfather and now I want you to have it.”  
“Oh... That's sweet. What is it?”

Misha searched his pocket and got out a braided wooden ring from it. Lily's eyes widened.  
“You're giving me a ring? What's the occasion?”  
“Well, we've known each other for years and I never gave you anything while you and your family gave us everything... It's almost ridiculous compared to what you did for us, but I thought it would also... I don't know... symbolize our relationship or something.”

When she didn’t move or say anything, he thought maybe he would need to explain a little bit more.  
“Don’t worry, I’m not proposing or anything. I just wanted to thank you and that’s all I can give you. I just thought maybe you’d like it.”

She gave him a tender smile, touched by the fact that he was always so nice with her. He had this particular way of showing people how much he cared, just with small attentions like those, and she actually felt special.

She extended her right hand.  
“Does it fit?”  
Misha smiled back, relieved to see she was accepting the gift.  
“I don't even know.”

He slid it on her right middle finger but it was too large. He did it again on her index finger, then on her thumb, but it wouldn’t fit, it was definitely too big for her long and thin fingers.  
She saw a glimpse of disappointment in Misha's eyes.

“It's fine, I'll wear it as a necklace. I love it!” She leaned forward and placed a quick but tender kiss on his lips. “I love you.” She whispered.

When she realized what she’d just said, she looked down at her new ring, a little embarrassed. They had been dating for a few months now, but they hadn't said that to each other yet. She didn’t even know why she said it, she just didn’t think about it, it just slipped through her mouth like it was natural, but she suddenly wondered if she’d scared him.

She couldn’t even look at him anymore, which was a shame, because if she did, she would’ve seen Misha's smile couldn't be wider.  
He placed his index finger under her chin and raised it up a little bit, so he could look at her in the eyes.  
“Do you really mean that?”

Good question… Did she?  
She never really thought about it before, they knew each other for so long, it felt so good every time they were together, and it was so natural that she never had to deeply think about those things. It was just normal for her, he was here, and she felt good, happy and complete. When he was away, she felt sad and empty, like some part of her was missing.

Was it love? Was it supposed to feel that way?  
To be honest, it probably was. She didn’t know a lot about this, but she couldn’t think about something stronger. She could easily imagine him being by her side for the rest of her life, and it was probably how true love was defined.

She sank into his blue eyes.  
“Yes… I mean it.”

Misha’s face lit up again with a huge smile that reached his eyes.  
“I love you too, Lily Hagen.”  
She didn't even have the time to smile back before he crashed his lips on hers.

That kiss was different. They had kissed a million times before, but this one was full of passion, and now she knew, full of love. Misha licked her lower lip, silently asking her to open her mouth, which she gladly did, and they explored each other's tongue eagerly.

Lily wrapped her arms around his neck while she laid back on the blanket, bringing him down on the floor with her, and they soon found each other lying down, still kissing hungrily.

Misha's hand traveled down her side, and he didn't even realize his hand had slid under her shirt, but he heard her moan softly in his mouth when he caressed her rib cage.

He broke the kiss, his hand not moving, and he observed her for a few seconds, not doing anything.

“I'm the luckiest guy in the world.” He stated, still eating her with his sparkling eyes.  
“Kiss me again.” She whispered.  
She couldn't get enough of his touch; she wanted him to touch her everywhere while kissing her.

He hesitated a second but finally leaned his head down and brushed his lips on hers. One of his hands was gripping her hair at the top of her head, the other still under her shirt, first caressing her stomach, then he slowly moved it up to play with her clothed breast.

They were used to that, it was not the first time they were that intimate, but something changed that day, and Lily wanted more now that she knew he loved her back. She needed to feel him closer to her. She wondered if he felt the same, so she tried something new, boldly placing her hand on his waistband and playing with his jean's button to open it.

Misha's body reacted instantly and he broke the kiss to grab her wrist.  
“What... what are you doing?”  
She stared back at him with a hungry look but blushed a little, thinking maybe she had been too harsh.  
“I... I want you, Misha... Please.”

Again, Misha's whole body reacted and she saw him twitch a little, definitely turned on by the fact she just begged him. They’d never been shy around each other, but she had never been that bold before either and he sure liked it a lot. He was a little nervous though, not wanting to mess this up, he knew she wanted more than the usual touching.

The hand that was in her hair caressed her forehead tenderly as he leaned down to kiss her passionately. His mouth traveled to her jawline this time, leaving open wet kisses as he moved on top of her, trying not to crush her under his weight.

Instinctively, she slowly spread her legs and wrapped them around his waist, moaning loudly when she felt his clothed erection against her. She couldn't help herself, she moved her hips against his crotch, feeling the need for pressure growing, and it was Misha's time to moan, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

Lily felt her breath quickening. Her head fell back and she grabbed a hand full of his hair to push his face deeper on her neck. She needed to feel his heat and his kisses all over her.

Misha sucked on her neck right under her right ear, and she gasped loving the sensation. It would definitely leave a mark, but she didn't care. She laid a hand on his back and gently stroked down to grab the edge of his shirt and lift it. Misha understood and helped her, taking his shirt off.

She laid her hands on his bare chest and caressed down to his stomach, then reached behind to stroke on his back, gently pushing so he would lay down and resume kissing her, but he didn't. He grabbed her shirt and lifted it too. She raised her arms above her head and helped him taking it off.

Misha slowly leaned down and left an open kiss right above her right breast. When she shivered and moaned, he understood she liked that a lot, so he did the same with the left breast, and she moaned once more. God, how he loved the noises she made!

Misha rubbed his still clothed erection between her legs, and the whimper that escaped her mouth was so loud that she slapped a hand on it. He wanted to hear it again though, so he grabbed her wrist and pinned it above her head. The dark look he gave her when he saw her pinned like that under his own body was full of lust.

Lily put her free arm around his waist and slid her hand to cup his ass, pushing down for him to do it again. He bent down to bite on her earlobe, and pushed his hips forward one more time, moaning in her ear.

When she whimpered again, he almost lost it. He moved back up and knelt between her legs, then reached out for her jean to unzip it. He pushed down delicately, staring at her in the process to check if she was okay with it. When her pants reached her knees, she helped him and took it off completely.

“Your turn.” she whispered as she reached for his waistband once again. Misha was done wasting time; eager to feel her soft and warm skin against his, he took his pants off quickly, placed his hands on her knees, slowly spread her legs and gently kissed her inner thigh, then her lower stomach. She breathed heavily as he kissed his way up to her rib cage, clothed breasts and finally reached for her neck, licking and sucking on it. When he pressed his body down on hers again, he gasped when he felt the warm wetness through her underwear.

She took his face in both her hands and pressed a wet open kiss on his lips. He kissed her back desperately, and she swayed her hips again and again, unable to stop as the feeling of his hard bulge on her sensitive spot was too good.

“Oh God, Lily...” Misha placed his hands on the side of her hips, forcing her to stop moving.  
“If you keep doing this I will... Ugh!” he didn't have the time to finish his sentence as Lily's hand grabbed his boxer's waistband and pushed down to free his huge erection.  
“I need you now, Misha.”

It was not the first time she'd seen him naked, but she knew this time would be different. She oddly felt relaxed though, and she couldn't wait any longer. Every cell of her body wanted him.  
“I don't have any con-”  
“I don't care.” She interrupted, placing a finger on his lips.

Now that wasn't very safe... He knew she was a virgin so she was clean, and he was too, but still, he wasn't ready to eventually be a father!  
“Lily, that's not very-”  
“Misha, I don't care, don't worry, it's fine. We're safe. You trust me, right?” She almost pleaded and he just couldn't resist her any longer.  
“Of course I do.” He left a quick kiss on her lips and pushed her black panties down before settling clumsily between her legs, his cock right at her entrance, but he didn't push forward, waiting for her instructions.  
“Are you really sure about that?” He softly asked her, staring into her green eyes, gently stroking her hair.  
It was torture not to move, he could feel her wetness on the tip of his now bare cock and that sensation alone was maddening.

“Yes. I'm sure. Just... go slowly, okay?”  
“Of course.” He stroked her hair and leaned down to kiss her forehead.  
“You're so beautiful, Lily.” He whispered.  
She smiled and placed a soft kiss on his lips, then slid her hand between their bodies to reach for his cock. She nodded and guided him, realizing he probably didn’t know exactly how to do it without hurting her. To be honest, she wasn't very confident at this moment either, and she didn't know what to expect, but she tried to act like it.

Misha slowly pushed to enter her just a bit, and her head fell back instantly, both of her hands clinging to his shoulders. A loud moan escaped both their mouths at the same time when they finally felt their bodies connected to each other. Their hearts were racing, and Misha wanted nothing more than to push deeper and move, but he held back for her sake.

He observed her carefully, she was panting, still gripping his shoulders, and her eyes were tightly closed.  
“Are you okay?” He breathed, a little worried.  
She opened her eyes and smiled.  
“Very...”  
“Just… tell me if I need to stop.”

She relaxed a bit and nodded, so Misha kissed her one more time, pushing deeper inside of her, still very slowly, afraid to hurt her. He grunted in her mouth, not knowing how long he could keep it soft and slow, his whole body was shaking already. The tightness of her walls around his cock and the sounds that escaped her mouth were enough to make him come right away, so it took everything in him to hold back longer as he knew she needed to adjust to his size.

“God! Misha!” She was shaking too now. He was huge! Or she was too tight, she didn't know... It was a very weird and uncomfortable sensation at first. It didn't really hurt like she thought it would, but she could feel a stinging sensation inside of her lower belly.

As he wasn't moving anymore, she took the time to think about what they were actually doing, and her eyes watered. She had the man she loved inside of her, they were one, he was hers and she was so happy!

Misha froze when he saw she was about to cry.  
“Oh my God, Lily, what's wrong?”  
She shook her head slightly and smiled.  
“Nothing... I'm happy...”  
The relief was obvious on Misha's face. He exhaled and closed his eyes. Lily laid a hand on his lower back, the other on his shoulder.  
“Keep going, Misha. I'm ready.” She whispered.

He nodded and slowly started to move out of her, not completely though, and the sensation he felt when he fully thrusted back inside her was so overwhelming that he started to shake again. He knew he wouldn't last long, but he really wanted her to enjoy it. He was smart enough to know she couldn't enjoy it as much as he was on their first time, but he certainly didn't want to disappoint her.

She surprisingly enjoyed it though. It was not the best sensation at first but she was getting used to it, and she even moaned again when it started to actually feel really good. She could feel his body pressing and moving against her clit while he was thrusting faster and faster inside of her, and that was absolutely delightful.

Misha shut his eyes and buried his face on the crook of her neck, holding her tight.  
“Oh God... Lily, I... I need...” She could feel his hot breath against her neck, and she heard the urge in his voice.  
“It's okay, Misha.” She panted and stroked the hair at the back of his head.

He sped up his pace, unable to hold back any longer, whimpering every time he pounded inside her, losing his steady rhythm.  
Lily suddenly screamed as she felt a shockwave of pure pleasure taking control of her whole body, making her dizzy.  
“Please, don't stop!” She pleaded in a high voice, afraid he would think she had screamed because it'd hurt.  
The second Misha heard her begging, he came inside of her, biting on her neck to not be too loud, his body shaking even more.

They were both out of breath when it faded away, and Misha collapsed on top of her. She gently pushed him so he would roll over and stop crushing her down. She almost regretted it the moment he got out of her, feeling empty and cold, but she laid next to him and put her head on his chest.

They stayed like that a few minutes, exhausted and catching their breath, and then Lily looked up at him. He was staring at the barn's ceiling light bulb with a weak smile on his face.  
“Thank you.” She whispered and kissed his chest.  
“For what? I feel like I'm the one who should thank you.”  
She smiled. “For making it perfect.”

He put a golden hair lock behind her ear.  
“Again... I should be the one saying that.”

He kissed her so tenderly she almost melted on the floor. When he broke the kiss, he looked at her with awe and was quiet for a while, gently rubbing his thumb on her cheek.  
“What is it?” Lily frowned and she almost thought he was sad, as deep and shiny as his eyes were.  
“I can't believe you're mine.”

She softly scoffed and shut her eyes.  
“How can you say things like that to a girl and expect her to not fall for you?”

They cuddled a little more and left the barn a few minutes later, as they started to be really cold. They were very careful to get dressed and clean in case they would run into someone. That night, Misha didn't sleep in the cottage. He sneaked inside Lily's house and they spent the night together, in the warmth and coziness of her bedroom. It soon became a secret routine that they never broke, until the night they were woken up by the smell of smoke.

 

***************************************************

Present day – Nice, France.

 

They arrived at Katie's parents' place on Friday morning. It was surprisingly good to be back in France. It almost felt like home for Lily who had spent twelve years here.

After some long minutes of hugging and crying to welcome their daughter back home, they greeted Lily, and they all had lunch near the beach in a small French restaurant.  
They went for a walk along the “Promenade des Anglais” right after. It was still very quiet and soothing as the summer season had not started yet.

They talked a lot, Katie's parents being as chatty as their daughter. She felt a wave of warmth hearing them talk about her grandmother, mostly to remember their best moments together.

It was hard to speak French after so many years not practicing though, but she eventually got used to it after a little while and it all came back easily.

They spent the rest of the day shopping in the old city, and after they had dinner at their house, it was already time for Lily to go to the airport to fly to Rome.

Katie gave her a tight hug before she got in the plane.  
“You lucky thing! You better take tons of pics and tell me every single detail.”

Lily laughed nervously. It was an awkward situation: Katie wanted to go to the convention really bad but she couldn’t, and Lily was super nervous to go and she had to because she promised Misha.  
“Yay me! I'm going to a thing I don't know anything about with total strangers!”  
“You could've watched at least one episode of Supernatural before this weekend, you know!”  
“Ehhh... See ya on Monday Kat. Be nice!” She winked and walked away.

She indeed was totally clueless about what to expect in Rome. She even felt ashamed to be unable to remember Misha's Character name...

Nobody will notice. I'll fit in perfectly. I’m doing this for Misha.

She didn't sleep on the plane this time, she was too nervous, but also happy and curious to spend a weekend with Misha and his friends in such a beautiful city.


	10. JIB 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily attends her first convention!

When Lily arrived at the Hilton in Rome, she had no idea where to go to find Misha, no idea what to expect, and she was surrounded by fans talking and laughing, sometimes wearing weird clothes. They were walking around like they knew exactly where to go, but she was completely lost. She was here only for a few minutes and she already felt like a fish out of the water. This is when she started to regret this already.

Someone at the front desk gave her a badge saying she was expected, but they didn’t say much more, so she decided to text Misha.

L: I'm here. Where are u?

Her phone buzzed just a few seconds later.

M: Doing photo ops. It'll be over soon. I'll meet you in the green room. 6th floor, Claudio room, last one on the left.

The green room… Okay… it almost felt like she was about to go up on stage for a concert.

She went to the room he indicated and of course, there were huge and very intimidating men keeping the door.  
Thankfully, when she stepped in front of them and said her name showing her badge, they let her pass immediately as Misha had arranged everything. When she opened the door, she was welcomed by Vicki who was here with Maison in her arms, and West who ran into her arms to hug her.  
“Hey angel face!” She crouched down to kiss him on the top of his head before standing up to give his mother a quick hug.

Vicki introduced her to the people present in the room. She met Richard, Brock, and Sebastian who was more than happy to meet her, knowing she had lived in France for twelve years. She also learned that Jared had to fly back home because his wife's sister had a car accident. She was a little disappointed to not meet him as Misha talked about him a lot, but she hoped everything would be okay with his sister in law.

Misha appeared a few minutes later, looking exhausted.

“Heyyy! I see you met some of my cast mates already. Were they nice with you?”  
He hugged her, but was soon interrupted by West who wanted to be in his dad's arms.  
“Yes, they were. I and Sebastian have a few things in common actually.” She winked at the French man.  
“Umm, not so much.” Misha joked. “So, I have to go crash a panel right now, and you should come with me so I can introduce you to Jensen right after.”  
“Uh... okay.”

Who was Jensen already?

She didn't ask, feeling a little ashamed to know so little about the show. Misha took her with him and they walked down towards the panel's room. It felt kinda weird, because a few people were sticking with them, telling Misha where to go and what he would have to do next, the huge (and very intimidating!) bodyguard was following them everywhere, not to mention the screams of girls resonating in the halls every time Misha appeared in a corner.

At that moment, she thought it would be so damn great to go back in time and tell the young self-loathing Misha that girls would scream for him every time he'd appear or move a finger… he wouldn’t even believe it. Actually, she wasn’t even sure he was realizing it now.

When Misha was ready to crash the Jensen and Ty panel, he told Lily to wait backstage, it wouldn't be long. She complied and observed him climbing on stage to... improvise a puppet show with his costars in a weird Russian accent??

Okay... why not, don’t question it Lily, he knows what he’s doing, hopefully.

She looked at the muscular man that she knew wasn't Jensen and though she found him quite attractive, she had absolutely no idea who he was either.

Misha got off stage with Jensen, and they all went to another empty room for a break until they needed to start their autograph session. She finally was introduced to Jensen, who turned out to apparently be a very nice guy who couldn't stop teasing Misha. Honestly, she had the feeling every actor on Supernatural were teasing experts. Was it good or bad, she didn’t know yet, it was too soon to tell.

“You know he can't talk about your family without crying like a baby on stage?” Jensen asked playfully.  
Lily had to laugh at that, remembering the video Katie showed her a few days before.  
“I don't know why he talks about my family on stage in the first place. People don’t care.”

Misha sipped on his water, amused to see them getting along well.  
“They do. Can you two not talk about me like I'm not right next to you in the same room? It came up once and I was a bit emotional, big deal!”

They laughed and chatted a little more until it was time for the two men to go back to business. Lily took that opportunity to go with Vicki, Danneel and the kids to visit Rome. She was actually getting along pretty good with Misha’s wife. She thought she was an amazing woman full of surprises. She could appear shy and a little weird with people she didn't know well, but she turned out to be a good friend for Lily all day long and she really appreciated it.

Jensen and Misha joined them for lunch and they all went to a fancy Italian restaurant, a little closer to the convention center. Misha joked about being able to pay for restaurant now, but after the video she saw the other day, Lily knew it wasn't just a joke. He probably was too shy to admit it in front of his friends, but she suspected he really meant it and was proud of it, like he could finally repay her and take his revenge on the hard life he had when he was younger.

They went back to the Hilton for the rest of the convention, and it was time for Misha's solo panel, which Lily was very curious to see. He told her he had already one yesterday, one today, another tomorrow, and one with Jensen just before the closing ceremony. What could he possibly have to say to people for three days in a row?

She was leaning on the wall in the right corner of the room, between the tech guys and the line of fans waiting to ask their questions, when Misha came up on stage. It was so damn strange to hear all those people screaming and cheering for him like he was a superstar. Well duh... he actually was a kind of superstar, but it was still an alien concept in her head because that's not what he was to her at all.

He started by opening a huge present box, finding two light sabers inside, and the people cheered once more. He then spent several minutes answering all kinds of questions, mostly about the show, and of course Lily didn't understand half of what they were talking about, but she was very impressed to see Misha on stage. She thought he'd changed a lot, he had never been the shy type of person, but he sure has never been confident enough to be at ease on a stage answering tons of questions. But here he was, as self-assured as he could be, making people laugh, making them happy...

After twenty minutes of answering questions, he probably started to be bored because he asked a fan to challenge him on a light saber fight. She happily accepted, came up on stage and they started fighting, but soon stopped after he threw a “I got your boob” to her, and he eventually answered her questions seriously... until another girl asked to fight again. And boy did they fight... on the Star Wars theme! Lily couldn't stop laughing; it was so obvious he never learned how to do that properly! After he told the girl he got both of her boobs, she left the stage and Misha was out of breath.

The panel ended a few minutes later after more questions about his character, Misha left the room saying goodbye to his fans, and that closed her fist day at a Supernatural convention.

Of course that was not the end of the day; the whole team went to go eat pizza in the center of Rome.

Lily met the few people she hadn't during the day, such as Ty, Rob, Jason or Steve... And she had to admit they were all really nice people, Misha was right, everyone was very kind to her. They were all amazed and very curious to learn about her and Misha's reunion after so many years. After all, that's not something that happens every day.

They also joked about the fact that being back from the dead is usually the kind of thing that happens on Supernatural, but of course Misha told everyone she hadn't watched a single episode yet and they booed at her so loud that she wanted to disappear from the surface of the earth when everyone turned around in the restaurant.

She promised she would eventually catch up with the show despite the fact that it was just impossible for her to watch eight freaking seasons of a show that she would probably freak out about. She had never liked horror movies, she was a total wimp about that, so Ty volunteered to hold her hand if she needed to. She had to admit that perspective was appealing...

 

Once they had eaten, Sebastian wanted to go dance, which of course made Lily super excited.  
Vicki had to go back to the hotel with the kids who were exhausted but Misha was up for it so they all headed to a nightclub, still in the old city. Jensen, Richard and Ty were here too.

They sat at a table while Richard and Misha went to order drinks, so Sebastian took that opportunity to get to know Lily a little more.

"So on a scale of 1 to 'I need a baguette right now or I'll stab someone', how much do you miss France?" he asked playfully.  
Lily laughed, she could tell he was happy to talk about his country as he missed it probably a lot.  
"Actually, not so much. I was in Nice yesterday to visit some friends."  
"Oh great! I do miss it... But then when I'm in France I miss America. I'm a complicated guy."

She laughed again and took a sip of the drink Misha just brought her.  
"Oh jeez, what it this? It's strong!"  
"It's called 'Angelo Azzuro'. I liked the name." He winked at her and she snorted.  
"Of course you did."

Jensen sat in the booth facing Lily, an amused expression on his face.  
“Any weird and embarrassing childhood stories you can tell us so we can pick on Misha for the rest of his life?”

Lily turned to look at Misha. Of course a lot happened, but she couldn’t think of something specific at that moment, especially after drinking such a strong cocktail.

“I don’t know… The Angelo Azzuro is kinda making my brain feel like jelly right now so I can’t think that far back.”  
Misha smiled and put his drink on the table.  
“I can! I know a story… I’m not sure it’s appropriate though.”  
“Oh come on!” Jensen grunted. “No fans here, it’s just us, spit it out.”

He glanced at Lily, silently asking her permission, but she had no idea what he had in mind so she just shrugged.

“I’m actually remembering the day I sneaked into your school and we ended up in the girl's bathroom-”  
“Nope! Nope... shut up!” Her eyes widened and she slammed her hand on his mouth, muffling the sound of his giggles.

Naturally, it picked everyone’s curiosity.  
“That sounds interesting. You wouldn’t want to disappoint us, would you?” Richard insisted.

Misha’s eyes sparkled with mischief when he thought about a way of making her move her hand from his mouth. He stuck out his tongue and licked her palm, which immediately made her jump on her seat.

“Eww! You’re gross!!”  
He laughed under the look of his clueless friends.  
“It’s actually a funny story, they should know.”  
“Yeah, funny for you maybe! You always were the one ending up without any trouble because your mom was super cool with pretty much everything!”

He giggled even more, knowing she was absolutely right.  
“I won't give too many details. Promised.”

Jensen rolled his eyes, losing patience.  
“Come on, you said too much already, now we’re dying to know and we won’t let you go until it’s out.”

Lily sat back on her chair and crossed her arms in defeat. She sighed and closed her eyes, bracing herself.

“Alright, so we’d been dating for what… a year maybe, and-“  
“Wow, wow, wow…” Jensen interrupted loudly. “You never said you two were dating, you said she was your old friend!”

He indeed never mentioned it to any of them, but he had nothing to hide after all. Not to them at least.  
“Well duh… I was a weird and lonely fourteen guy who was living with a hot girl that cared for me, what do you think happened, smartass?”

Jensen tilted his head, looking at the ceiling.  
“Ehh, fair enough. Go on.”  
“Okay, so after a year, as a fifteen year-old boy full of hormones ready to explode, missing his girlfriend that didn't go to the same school, I decided to go sneak into her school, and we ended up in the girl's bathroom doing some...”

Please be wise and subtle...please, please...

“... physical exercise.”

Lily burst out laughing and hid her face in her hands, which of course, made Misha giggle once again, and everybody joined him. She then took one more sip of her cocktail.  
“Was that subtle enough?”  
“Yeah, yeah, just finish the damn story so I can leave and hide forever.”  
“So... Darius helped me sneaking in, but being the giant dick that he still is today, he decided to have a little fun with this, knowing exactly what I had planned. He called Lily's principal, who was an old woman, to tell her what was happening in the bathroom...”

Sebastian couldn’t hold his laugh. “What a smart move!”  
“I know, right? The principal, of course, took two supervisors with her, discreetly came to the bathroom to check, and heard us, but had the decency to not interrupt. What a thoughtful woman! When we came out of the bathroom stall, we were both welcomed by the woman and her two gorillas, their arms crossed and a very displeased look on their faces. Naturally, we ended up in her office and the first thing she did was to call Lily's mother, who was a very good mother BUT a very religious person who had no idea I was screwing her daughter...”

Everyone laughed heartedly, and despite the fact that the music was loud and Lily was still hiding her face behind her hands, everybody heard her desperate and embarrassed whine.  
Misha tried to hold his laugh, but when she turned to look at him with her shameful eyes, blushing furiously and shaking her head, she looked so much like she did that day that he lost it and giggled hysterically.

“I was lucky to be expelled only for two weeks thanks to my family's history in the town, but I had to listen to my mom giving me the talk the whole damn evening! I had to stay locked in my room for a whole month, and was only allowed out of it to go to school or church! And you know what's not fair? When I asked my mom if she yelled at Misha, she said his mom would teach him his lesson, but she didn't know Misha's mom was so damn cool that she didn't even care he was expelled from school! Darius of course was super proud of himself, so I was the only one who got in trouble for this and felt miserable!”

Misha tried to talk between his giggles; he was breathless and had tears in his eyes.  
“And your mom didn't even notice I was still sneaking into your room every night!”

Lily finally cracked too, joining everyone.

“Was it at least worth the trouble?” Sebastian asked her boldly.  
“If you say no in front of them I will never talk to you again” Misha joked.  
Lily scoffed and shook her head.  
“I think you had enough details. But… yeah, I guess it was.”  
Misha’s smile couldn’t be wider. “The principal didn’t interrupt for a reason! She heard you-”  
“Alright, alright, that’s enough.” Lily raised her hand and finished her drink.

When she heard one of her favorite song, she took the opportunity to change the subject, plus she couldn't resist anymore, she just wanted to dance.

She leaned next to Misha's ear.  
"So tell me, after so long, have you finally learned how to sway those hips of yours?"  
He raised an eyebrow, a little surprised by her question. The Italian cocktail obviously made its effect on her.  
"How about we find out now?”  
He stood up and offered his hand to her. She obliged and they walked to the dance floor.

Lily looked at him dancing, very amused, unable to hold her laugh anymore.  
"Okay... So no is the answer to my previous question, I guess."

They always had enjoyed dancing together like dorks, but damn did he look like he had a stick up his ass when he did!  
"I'm afraid you'll have to teach me again."  
"Don't pretend I ever could teach you how to dance. Nobody can!"

They both cracked, but they didn't stop dancing. Misha was observing her carefully... She always had such a grace in her when she was dancing, whatever the music was. That's probably why she was such a talented musician; there was something between her and the music that he probably would never understand.

They were soon interrupted by Ty who tapped on Misha's shoulder.  
"May I borrow the miss, Mr. Collins?"  
"Sure... If you can keep it up."  
Out of breath, Misha was actually happy to go back to just chill and drink with his mates at the table after such an exhausting day.

After a few minutes of talking about the weirdest photo ops they had today, Misha realized Lily was gone for a while and scanned the dance floor. She was still dancing facing Ty, his hands were both on her hips and they were laughing heartedly. And just like that, Misha suddenly couldn't concentrate on his conversation anymore.

He mentally slapped himself and tried to focus on what Jensen was babbling, but he sneaked at them one more time and saw them very close... too close to each other, their bodies swaying together in rhythm with the music, and he realized he didn't like that at all, and he also hated himself for having such a stupid reaction.

He stood up without a word, leaving his friends wondering what was going on, and walked towards Lily who was still obviously having a lot of fun. He grabbed her upper arm gently which made her turn around to face him and separate from Ty.

“We should go, it's late and we have to get up super early tomorrow. You coming?”  
“Oh come oooon, Misha! It's been a while since I had so much fun! You go ahead if you want, I'll drive back with Ty, don't worry.”

Great... How was he supposed to object without appearing like an old jerk now? He really didn't want her to stay with Ty, who was divorced, free, and impudently flirting with her.

“Lily, you're gonna be a mess tomorrow and you'll have one hell of a hangover. You'll thank me, believe me.”  
He pulled on her arm just a little, but she didn't move.  
“You're the one who brought me the 'Angelo Azzuro' and now you're telling me to go to sleep? No way, Misha. I'm staying. You wanted me to come to have fun and that's exactly what I'm doing. But you can go if you're tired, it's fine, really.”  
She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and turned back to face Ty who was obviously not willing to leave either.

Congratulations Misha, You're officially an idiot.

He didn't want to leave her like that, in a foreign country, on her own... or to leave her with Ty... drunk and happy and too friendly, but he had no other option left. He didn't even know for sure why he was reacting that way. He still cared for her deeply and telling all those stories about his childhood today probably contributed to accentuate this feeling of… protectiveness?

When he went back to their table, Jensen had already left with Richard. Sebastian was just waiting for him to do the same, so they did, leaving Lily and Ty behind them, still dancing like horny drunk teenagers.

 

Misha had trouble finding sleep that night, and at 5.30am, when Vicki kicked him out of the bed because she couldn't bear him rolling over every damn minute, he changed and got out for a jog, hoping it would clear his mind.

He ran in the park near their hotel for almost an hour, and when he got back he thought he could bring coffee to Lily... and see if she was in her room... alone.

So much for clearing my mind...

Again, he mentally cursed himself for his dumb and childish reaction, but he couldn't help it. He bought two coffees and some croissants and went up for her room.

When he arrived in front of her door, it opened before he could even knock and he came face to face with Ty, still wearing his clothes from the day before, who quickly greeted him and ran to go back to his hotel.

Lily smiled and told him to come in, glad he brought her coffee.

Misha felt a wave of something he couldn't describe growing inside of him. It was not a pleasant sensation and of course, he had to be condescending when he opened his mouth to talk...  
“That was fast...”  
Lily sat on her bed with her coffee but looked confused. She had no idea what he was talking about.  
“What was fast?” She frowned.  
“Well… do you really have to ask?”

Was he seriously implying what she thought he was?  
“Why are you speaking to me with your daddy voice as you do with West when he does something very bad?”

That sobered him a little, but still he couldn't help the biting tone in his voice, despite his effort to not sound too harsh. He felt so stupid and immature, but he just couldn’t help it, he almost felt… betrayed.  
“Why are you answering my question by another question?”  
“You just did too... We can do this all morning, or you can just tell me what the hell is wrong with you right now and stop acting like an asshole.”

That weird wave grew higher in Misha's chest. Did she have to be so bitchy? Her sarcastic voice and harsh words made him feel very annoyed, and unfortunately, he spoke before thinking...  
“Right, because acting like a slut with my coworker is so much better. I see you've learned a lot from your previous boyfriend...”  
She froze, her half empty cup of coffee hanging in front of her open mouth. She couldn't believe he really said that to her. She must've misunderstood... Misha couldn’t do that. He couldn’t be so mean.  
“What did you just say?”

He was already regretting it. Truth was she hurt his feelings. He didn’t want to admit it though, so he just wanted her to feel the same, and regarding to the pained look in her eyes, it worked. He couldn’t believe he did that… hurting her on purpose for such a lame reason. It was so not him that it scared him, and he tried to apologize.

“I… I didn’t m-“  
“Leave.” She spat it in a calm but angry voice, a murderous look in her eyes, freezing Misha on his spot. After all she told him about Peter, she just couldn't believe how mean he was right now.

When he didn't move, she pushed him a little and almost screamed.  
“Get the fuck out!”

Misha had the time to see her eyes turn from angry to teary, but he turned around and left the room without a word, feeling miserable and shameful. What could he do anyway? She was pissed at him, and she was right to be. He actually was pissed at himself too.

When he was gone, Lily threw her thankfully empty cup of coffee on the door and broke down crying on the floor of her hotel room, leaning against her bed.  
She cried for a few minutes, wondering what the hell just happened. Misha was obviously mad at her because she didn't leave with him and preferred staying with Ty, but why? It didn't make sense at all! And why did he have to be so cruel?

Suddenly she heard a weak knock on her door and Misha's trembling voice.  
“Lily... open the door, please... I'm sorry. Can we talk?”

She didn't move. If he thought she would open that door he was dreaming! She hated his stupid face and his stupid voice more than anything right now.

He gently knocked again.  
“Get back to your family and your fans, Misha. I have nothing to say to you.”  
“Come on. I won't leave anyway. Vicki's gonna kick my ass for being an ass with you and I won't be able to show up at the convention feeling that miserable. If I have to spend the rest of the weekend here I will, but you'll have to explain that to the people waiting for me.”

She sighed... He better have a fucking good explanation.  
She wiped her face quickly and opened the door, revealing a very shamefaced Misha.

“You have two minutes before I slam you out again.” Her voice was shaky. Was it from anger or sadness, he didn't know, but he knew for sure it was because of him. He walked in and sat on her bed, sighing and hiding his face in his hands.

“I don't know what happened, Lily... I lost it when I saw Ty getting out of your room. I had no right to tell you those things and I honestly didn't mean them. I know you don't owe me any explanation, and you can do whatever you want with who you want, but the sad truth is I imagined you and Ty together and I was just...”  
He didn’t finish his sentence, mostly because he didn’t even know what he felt at that moment.

Lily sighed and sat next to him, gently pulling his hands away from his face so he would look at her. She wanted to be strong and firm when asking her next question, but his face showed such a hurt expression and his eyes were red and shiny with tears, that she had a flashback and saw herself two decades ago, trying to comfort the young Misha after he had hard times, which happened quite frequently at the time. It almost broke her heart, so her question came out as a whisper, the lump in her throat being too heavy.

“What do you think happened exactly?”  
He frowned. “Well… He just got out of your room. No need to be a genius to know what happened.”

Oh Misha...  
She exhaled, understanding a little better what caused his stupid reaction.

“He walks out of my room and this is what you assume? Who do you think I am?”

Misha sank into her green eyes and started to really think about what happened, and if he didn’t feel stupid before, he certainly did now. She was right… He only saw Ty getting out of her room but he actually didn’t know for sure what happened that night.

“I… He… he still had the same clothes so I just…”  
“I did not spend the night with Ty, Misha… We left the club soon after you did. He gave me his jacket because I got cold but his phone was still in it so I called his hotel and he came here this morning to take it back before the convention starts.”

Just when he thought he couldn't feel any worse, she proved he was a complete idiot once again.  
“I... I'm so sorry. I just... You know I would never say that to you and mean it, right? You know me.”

She thought about that a moment and her voice twitched.  
“Do I?”  
He looked at her frowning.  
“Of course you do. I'm still me.”  
“Yeah… Just like I’m still me and you’re supposed to know I would never sleep with someone I’ve just met…”

Misha looked down at his feet. Did she have to remind him he acted like a jerk?  
“I do know that but… God I don’t know what happened. I’m so sorry, Lily.”  
“It’s fine. You've changed. We both have, that's life. I observed you yesterday, talking to those people on stage and I didn't recognize the person I saw.”  
“That's because that person on stage is not truly me. Ask any actor, every single one of us: we all act eighty percent of the time we're on stage, and you know what happens when I don't act? Well... exactly what happened when I talked about your grandfather: I lose it and I tear up. And that is me.”

She turned on the bed, facing him.  
“Why did you react like a giant ass?”  
“I don't really know... I felt a wave of anger when I imagined... you with someone else. I had no right to feel like that in the first place. I don't know what happened to me. I was surprised to feel that way after so long. It was just stupid.”  
“I get it... It happened to me too, when you told me you were married. For a brief second I felt a little sting in my chest. It was gone soon after but still, I felt it.”

He smiled and took one of her hands in his, sighed and looked into her shiny eyes.  
“You know what I just realized? We never had closure. At least I never had closure. When you... When I thought you died I searched for you, I only found a grave with no names, and it wasn’t enough for me to move on. We never broke up, we were just torn apart by a cruel and unfair fate when we were still deeply in love so... I've never said to myself I had to stop... loving you. You were just gone, but that didn't stop me from loving you and craving you. And then I met Vicki and we dated and we married and we had kids and it felt good and it still feels perfect... but still, all that time I've never refrained myself from loving you, because I've never needed to, and it just backfired on me a few minutes ago.”

Oh God... What was she supposed to say after that?

“Do you still… need closure?”

He tilted his head and frowned, surprised by her question.  
“Why do you ask? You wanna break up with me now?”  
“Well if I have to...”

He considered it for a few seconds, still observing her closely, and a tiny smile appeared on his face. He suddenly wanted to test a theory, hoping it wouldn't backfire on him one more time.  
“Okay... go ahead.”  
He crossed his arms and waited patiently, leaning on the bed board.

Was he serious? She needed to break up with him after a lifetime being apart?  
“Well, fine... Misha...” she started, and then coughed. She was still looking into his eyes... Did she really have to do that looking into his piercing blue eyes? That was kinda cruel.  
“I...” She cleared her throat again. “We need to...”

Oh my God Lily just say it, don't be a wimp!

She needed to tell him it was over. And it really was, he was married to another woman, he had kids... So yeah... She needed to say she wanted to end this. It was supposed to end a long time ago. It was all true and reasonable. It was the right thing to do.

And yet... She couldn't find the nerves to say it out loud facing him.  
“Okay, you took me by surprise, I will do it but I need to... be prepared.”

His smile widened. He was right... He knew she couldn't do that.  
“Right. You know, I would understand if you don't want it.” His voice was kinky now, he clearly wanted to tease her, and yet she couldn't help babbling.  
“What? No! I mean yes! It needs to be done. We need closure. You're right... You're absolutely right. I mean you need closure. I don't.”  
“You sure? Because I can break up with you right now if you need me to.”  
“I don't. Remember when you said 'I'm married, her name is Vicki, we have two kids?' Well... that was my closure.”  
“Right... and it stung a little. Your words.” He smirked.  
“Yep... just like it did for you a few minutes ago when you called me a slut. That's because it stung a little. Except I handled it much better than you did!”

Oh snap!  
He looked down, ashamed of himself.  
“I'm sorry. Told you I didn't mean it. But yes... It did hurt like a bitch to see you with someone else. That was more than a little sting for me, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.”

She looked at his hands and saw his wedding ring.  
“You know... If it can make you feel a bit better... I wasn’t exactly a big fan of your married status either when you told me... And I kinda hated to admit you have an amazing wife. It would’ve been great if she’d been a real bitch that I could hate.” She made a face and rolled her eyes, which made Misha laugh.

“Says the one who doesn't need closure! You know what we should actually do? We should go back to Northfield together, and finally turn that page together. Just us. No wife, no kids. Then it will be over. That will be the end of our past relationship and the beginning of a new one.”

That wasn't a bad idea after all...  
“Okay. Deal. We'll do that.” She smiled and nodded.  
“Can I have a hug? Am I forgiven?”  
She laughed softly and leaned forward to hug him, resting her chin on his shoulder.  
“You're forgiven. But if it happens again, I'll kick your ass.”

He turned his head and placed a soft kiss on the side of her forehead.  
“I'll try to remember that.”  
“Alright, let's move, I'm sure you're late already.”  
She let go of him, he stood up and walked to the door to leave.  
“Probably... but they're used to it.” He winked and stepped out of the room.

He closed the door behind him. Lily was still sitting on her bed. She sighed heavily and went in the bathroom to get ready for the last day of the convention.


	11. One Hell Of A Panel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter I used videos of the real JIB4 panel with Misha and I changed it a bit to include Lily. You'll find the videos at the end of the chapter.

 

Lily was about to leave her room to go to the Hilton when someone knocked on her door weakly.

It couldn't be Misha, the convention already started... so it probably wasn't Ty either. Or was it?

She opened the door and was stunned when she came face to face with Misha's mother.

 

“Oh my god, Rebecca! I didn't even know you were here! Misha didn't tell me! I'm so happy to see you!”

She stepped forward and hugged her before letting her in.

“That's the point, sweetie. It's supposed to be a surprise.”

“Oh, he doesn't know you're here either?”  
“Yes, he does. I just talked to him before he left for the convention. The surprise is actually for you too. Do you know what day it is today?”

 

Lily smiled, a little confused.

“Uh... yeah... may 12th.”

She scratched her mind to find a particular reason why Rebecca would be here on this date, but couldn't find any. Her birthday was in June.

Misha's mother stood before Lily and took her hands in hers, looking at her closely.

“It's mother's day, sweetheart.”

 

Lily gasped silently, and she almost fell when she had the sensation that the ground opened under her feet.

She forgot... It was not like she could still celebrate it anyway.

“Oh... Right. We probably should hurry so you can go back to Misha then. Is Sasha here too?”

“No, Sasha couldn't make it, and Misha's busy, I'm not here just for him today, I'm here for you. I know it's been a while, but you've been part of my life for years, and your mother was the best friend I ever had. I always thought about you as the girl I always wanted but never had, and even if I can never replace the mother you lost, now that she's gone, I think she would like for me to take care of you. Today is probably the best date to start... If you want it, of course.”

And once again, Lily couldn't hold her tears back. She sure had cried a lot since the Krushnic family came back in her life, but these were happy tears.

Sure she still felt a hint of sadness because she inevitably thought about her dead mother who couldn't be here with her today, but Rebecca probably just gave her the best gift she would ever have: a substitute mother.

And she truly was. Even when her mom was still alive, Rebecca was like her second mother, always here for her, always ready to help her when she couldn't turn to her own mom, always having her back when something was up with Misha.

Lily buried herself in Rebecca's arms and cried.

“Of course I want it.” She sniffed. “I can't believe you're doing this.”

“And I can't believe it took me so long to do it.”

Rebecca kissed the top of her head and broke their embrace.

“How about we start by breakfast?”

Lily smiled, wiping her face.

“Great idea. I'm starving.”

  
They took their time to have breakfast at the hotel, and they left when Misha sent a text to Lily asking her if she would be here for his panel. She replied 'sure', and they hurried to go to the Hilton, arriving just on time for his morning solo panel.  
  
When they entered the panel's room, he was answering a fan who wanted him to say something in Russian. She instantly was reminded of the times Misha pretended to be a Russian student so he could go some places for free... He obviously knew how to act pretty early.

The next fan didn't have a question, she just wanted to thank him about something called “Gishwish” or something, which of course she had absolutely no idea of what it was, but it picked her curiosity, Misha was very serious during the whole time the fan spoke, as she told him about her team raising money to free a woman and her daughter from their abusive home. He tried to joke about it at one moment, but Lily could tell he was kinda touched by her story anyway. She would have to ask him about that thing for sure.

Of course, after that, the questions about the show started to fuse, but Misha winced to one fan who had a very strong accent so he didn't understand her very well... and this is where the craziest and funniest part began.

After a little while trying to understand her question, he gave up and asked for a volunteer from the audience to come and translate the question for him. A fan came up on stage to help him, and Lily thought it was the previous fan who asked him to speak Russian.

Actually... Lily didn't understand the damn question either! She thought maybe it was because she just didn't know anything about the show or the characters, but obviously she wasn't the only one being lost.

The 'translator' tried to rephrase the question.

“She said that uuh, you know the scene when Dean and Cas talk, and uuh, Castiel tells Dean that this is not what happened because uuuh, Dean thought that Castiel was left behind in purgatory, not because of his fault...”

The fan paused when she saw Misha wincing again and hid his face in his hands, and they both cracked up laughing, realizing this didn't make sense at all.

The poor girl apologized, but Misha said it was good before asking for another person to come for help, to translate what the translator was trying to actually translate for him... Boy was it confusing! Lily was very amused at this point, and knowing Misha pretty well, she knew he could toy with that for a while!

A second fan came up on stage and tried to help... Except she was a bit confused too and asked for the first fan to repeat the question. It was a huge mess when the original fan, who was still down next to the stage waiting patiently, said something in the microphone and Misha interrupted.

“Hey hey! I'm sorry, we're working on this question right now, please wait your turn!”

He turned to the first volunteer and asked her to tell in Russian what the other girl was trying to say in English, so the second volunteer could finally translate in English to him.

Lily had cramps in her cheeks, she couldn't stop giggling at this point.

The Russian fan started to tell the question in Russian, while Misha was holding the mic to her face, joking and mimicking like he was getting it, and the second girl was nodding, obviously understanding the question. This seemed good, they were finally getting somewhere.

That was until the second fan asked to Misha: “What do you want me to say?”.

Of course everybody laughed, and Misha asked her to translate for him, but the poor girl was lost and Lily had to hold her stomach when she asked “to translate what?”.

Just when she thought they were about to make it, everything crashed down, it was just hilarious.

The second fan asked in what language she should translate, and of course Misha, who had no microphone at this point anymore, first replied she had to translate in English, but then asked her what other languages she could speak. The young blond woman said she could speak English and french too, and Misha's face lighted up.

  
"Oh great! So we can call Sebastian so he can translate from french what you said in Russian so you can finally say it to me in English!"

The crowd cheered but a few of them yelled "He's doing photo ops!", pointing at the big screen behind him.

Lily facepalmed, she knew he was about to call another fan to come up on stage and help them. This was such a huge mess!

But he didn't exactly call a fan...

  
"OH! Lily are you in the audience? We need some help here!" He called.  
  
Lily's eyes widened and she turned to Rebecca who had a huge smile on her face, but she didn't move... He had to be kidding! Except he wasn't and when he finally spotted her, standing next to the exit door with his mom, he ran down the stage, took her hand, and despite the horrified look on her face and her several vain attempts to get away from him, they climbed the stairs and were back on stage in a second.  
  
"Come on, you're used to be on stage, don't pretend you hate it."  
  
_I'm gonna kill him. He'll be dead for good this time._  
Of course she was used to be on stage... Hiding behind her instrument and drowned in the crowd of her colleagues, with no freaking huge microphone pointing at her face!!

  
"This is actually a great opportunity! You guys remember the young lady sleeping gracefully in the plane? Someone tagged me on Twitter about it."  
"Yeahhh!" They all screamed in unison.  
"Well, here she is, it's Lily, she's an old friend of mine, and if I'm correct, considering the look on her face, she is right now planning to kill me. Am I right?" He pointed his damn mic at her again.  
"Absolutely!"

  
He laughed and the audience did the same. He placed Lily between him and the Russian fan and pointed his finger at the other girl.  
"So... Miss, can you please ask the question in french to Lily, who will hopefully translate in English for me... Though she hasn't watched a single episode of Supernatural and has no idea what the hell we're talking about."  
  
The crowd went wild at his comment, booing and hooting all they could, kicking their feet on the ground to make more noise. Misha glanced at Lily and winked, he looked so proud of himself that she almost wanted to take the mic from him and tell them the most embarrassing story ever... She would seriously have to think about one! He really needed a severe punishment!  
  
"Alright, alright, calm down. She promised she would catch up soon." Misha explained, trying to calm the audience. “Right, Lily?”

He held his mic close to her face again, and he knew perfectly she hated it. So she answered...

“Yes, Ty proposed to help. I guess I'll have to accept his generous offer.”

She was so satisfied of herself at that moment! When she devilishly stared at Misha who couldn't show anything in front of his fans, but Lily could see the defiance in his eyes. He licked and bit his lips, obviously refraining from replying something stingy.

 

He finally had no choice but to give up so he turned to the fan ready to ask the question one more time.  
"Okay, go ahead."  
She faced Lily who was listening carefully.  
"Alors, uhh... Dean pensait qu'il avait abandonné Cas au purgatoire... Parce qu'il a lâché sa main... Mais en fait c'était juste le choix de Cas de rester au purgatoire. Je crois qu'elle veut savoir pourquoi Cas avait l'air si surpris que Dean soit si surpris quand il lui a dit que Cas voulait rester au purgatoire."  
  
Lily's eyes slowly widened as she was listening the question, and she laughed weakly (and nervously) when she turned to look at Misha who had a huge smile on his face, obviously trying not to giggle.  
"All my hopes are in you, Lily."

Oh God, she wasn't even sure what it was all about, so she decided to simply translate what she heard, and hopefully that would make sense for him.  
"Umm okay... She wants to know why Cas was so surprised that... Dean was so surprised..."  
Lily paused when he snorted, holding her giggles too now.  
"...When Cas..." She looked at the fan for confirmation, just to be sure she was using the right names at the right time. "… Told him he wanted to stay in purgatory."  
Misha's smile persisted and he burst out laughing when the fan who originally asked the question said "Yes!" in her microphone, full of hope.  


Misha looked at Lily with a serious face.

"Okay, okay, I get it, why Cas was so surprised... Surprised about what?”

Lily hid her face in her hands, laughing even more.

“About Dean who was so surprised that Cas was surprised that-” She burst out laughing and Misha took the mic away from her.

“See, this little exercise was to demonstrate to you how difficult this acting business is. It's very confusing because there's multiple characters and you have to remember which one you're playing, and how surprised you are! By the way... was Cas really as surprised as you guys are all saying?”

They all replied “Yeah!”, so he added “Wasn't it more like... ' _Really you don't remember?_ '” He looked at Lily with a puzzled look.

“Why the hell are you looking at me, how am I supposed to know?”

They were interrupted by the poor and hopeless fan who originally asked the question, still standing behind her microphone, who suddenly started to talk but Misha wouldn't let her, and asked her to come up on stage too, estimating there were not enough people with him.

She explained to him what she really wanted to know, and after reenacting the scene together, he just realized it all started because of a tiny eyelid twitch.

That was too much for Lily who burst out laughing and giggled uncontrollably, bending over and holding her stomach, still on stage next to the two 'volunteers' who were now laughing too.

Misha turned to look at her, pleased to see her having so much fun.

“Don't worry, she must think she stepped into crazyland... it's cute, she doesn't even know it 's only the beginning.”

Eventually, she calmed down after a little while and Misha said to the first fan that he wanted her to leave satisfied, so he tried to seriously answer her question, but he just couldn't stop laughing, so he knelt on stage, giving up, and someone brought him a huge inflatable hammer that he used to hit his own head in defeat.

He got up and said that after that fiasco, she would now definitely be scared to talk in public. He then thanked her and the other fans who tried to help before they left the stage, and when Lily started to walk away, he grabbed her wrist.

“Where do you think you're going, miss Hagen?”

So the torture wasn't done obviously... And seeing the mischievous look in his eyes, she could tell he was ready to get his revenge for the comment she made about Ty.

“I'm leaving to let you do your job. People are waiting...” She tried.

 

There were indeed a lot of people waiting in line to ask questions, but Misha wasn't decided to let her go so fast.

“They are... And they probably want to know more about you too now!”

She shook her head no but the audience cheered to notify Misha was actually right.

Why would they want to know about her? They were all here for Misha! She was nobody!

 

“So here is what we're going to do: you're gonna sit in my chair right here, and I'll explain to them who you are, because I know they will love that story.”

She sighed but complied, sitting in the stool in the center of the stage while Misha brought a microphone for her too.

“Okay, so some of you maybe remember that time I talked about that guy I met when I was nine doing my paper routes?”

A few people yelled “Yes!”, and Misha went on.

“Yes, Mr Hagen, the old man who helped me and my family during hard times, and I couldn't hold it and teared up on stage when I told you he died when I came to his house to bring Christmas presents.”

 

Silence fell, and Lily could almost physically feel the emotion building in the room now. She didn't intervene and let him talk, looking down at the microphone in her hand.

“You also remember the time I told you my house burned so that's why I didn't have a lot of pictures of me when I was young?”

Again, people said yes, and Lily wondered one more time why the hell he was telling all those things to strangers.

“Good. So it wasn't exactly my house, I was living there but it was her family's place, and she's actually Mr Hagen's grand-daughter.”

He just threw it like that, and the audience applauded and cheered loudly.

“Long story short, I won't give you that much detail but the thing is... I thought _she_ died in that fire, and she thought _I_ died in that fire too, so we were super surprised when we accidentally bumped into each other a couple weeks ago at the airport.”

He made eye contact with Lily and she could see the hint of emotion on his face, so she smiled at him weakly.

“Another fun thing... I apparently got so old and changed so much that she didn't recognize me right away and I had to literally prove to her that I was me... which was weird to be honest.”

She laughed and put her hand on her mouth, remembering what was probably the weirdest night of her life.

“So yeah... Since I told you about her grandfather I thought you would like to know I had reasons to tear up remembering him and his family, but now she's here and I think I will never be able to thank her enough for...”

He stopped and looked away when he started to tear up once again.

Lily would break soon too if he couldn’t hold it back. She tried to be strong in front of so many people though; she just smiled and looked down.

Misha sighed, and after a little while he just walked towards her and gave her a tight hug, resting his chin on her shoulder, in front of the fans that were in total awe. It was a very intimate gesture, as she was still sitting on the stool, she kinda had to spread her legs to allow him access, but she didn't care, she just hugged him back, knowing he did it for a lot of reasons, especially to apologize for being a dick with her this morning.

He pulled away, exhaled and wiped his face quickly, apologizing to his fans for being weak again.

“Alright... we should go on with the questions, this is getting ridiculous.”

Lily tried to sneak away one more time.

“Can I go now?”

Misha laughed and talked in his high pitched voice, mocking her shamelessly.

“Can I go now, Sir? Was I good enough?”

Everybody cheered and laughed. Misha was clearly toying with her... once again she mentally swore to God he would pay for all of this.

“Nope, you can't. You'll finish this panel with me whether you like it or not. Sit.”

She closed her eyes and sighed while sitting back on the stool. Someone brought another chair and Misha sat next to her, looking at the fan on the right of the stage, nodding so she would ask her question, which was why he always talks about West but not enough about Maison, so he started to joke about the fact that babies don't do anything and eventually ended up talking about poop, before turning to his left, facing a male fan for another question.

 

“So umm... I had a question about Cas but... now you made us all curious about the woman next to you... so I actually have a question for her, if you don’t mind.”

“Sure! Go ahead. But be nice.” Misha cleared his throat and the man turned his eyes to Lily.

“Hi. I was just wondering if you're free to go grab a drink after the panel.”

Lily's mouth opened wide and she laughed as the audience went wild again. Misha had bold fans for sure, and she didn't complain, the guy was handsome and regarding to his accent, he was Italian, which was even better! It was obviously not a serious question though, the guy had a teasing smile plastered on his face.

Misha was expressionless and turned to look at Lily who was trying (but failing) to hide the huge smile on her face, clearly amused by the situation. She pulled the mic up to her face but Misha interrupted, not letting her talk.

“God, we can't go anywhere without men hitting on you, can we?”

He looked back at the fan who asked the question.

“Are you Italian?”

“Yes.”

“Well... I'm afraid I can't allow that, Italians are too touchy.”

The crowd cheered, but the guy didn't give up so easily.

“Does she need your permission?”

 

A horde of “Awws” and “Oohs” resonated in the room. Everybody knew Misha could be kinda sharp when he felt attacked on stage, so they all waited for the bitter answer he would throw back at the cheeky man, but Lily talked first.

“No, she doesn't!” She replied looking into Misha's eyes, raising her eyebrows with a look who clearly meant “ _BAM!”_

Misha was stuck, he knew he couldn't reveal to the world that they used to be more than friends and that he threw a jealousy tantrum this morning about the exact same kind of situation.

He tried to turn the flavor though...

“Well... your funeral. She bites a lot and she snores like a chainsaw.”

He laughed, but soon stopped when the man replied once again.

“I don't mind a few bites.”

 

Silence...

 

Lily realized Misha was getting a little annoyed and could say things he would regret later, so she helped.

“He's making things up, I'm an angel!”

People laughed and Misha moved on quickly.

“Yep, an angel that doesn't go out with strange Italian guys who have no manners. Next question!” And he turned to look at the other side of the stage, ignoring the guy to nod at a female fan so she could ask her question.

 

“Hi... actually umm... I also have a question about your friend, if that's ok...”

Lily snorted and couldn't shut up anymore when she saw Misha rolling his eyes. “Are you regretting keeping me here yet?”

They exchanged an impish smile and the fan interrupted.

“No, no, I just wanted to know... You said she was an old friend, so I wonder if you have some fun childhood stories you could share with us like you do with Darius!”

 

That made Lily frown and she looked at Misha with a questioning look.

“Darius? Our Darius?”

“Yes. That Darius.”

“Oh my! I didn't know he was still around!”

“He is! We'll have to go see him one of these days.”

That reminded him of the story he told the day before at the club, but naturally he couldn’t talk about that on stage.

“You know that Lily's teachers were terrified when they saw her with me and Darius near her school? They always wondered what kind of shit we were plotting. Truth is, we didn't go to the same school, but me and Darius were constantly sneaking in her school to mess with her friends... and her teachers too.”

“God I had so much trouble because of you two!”

Misha laughed, actually proud of himself.

“I do have some story about that, I told Jensen and the guys just yesterday actually, but... I'm afraid it's not quite appropriate... I don't think I can tell you that story...” He turned to look at Lily.

Naturally, the crowd cheered to encourage him to talk.

“Indeed, you can’t.” Lily confirmed firmly.

He better not!

“It’s a pretty funny story, though. They would like it.”

“No.” was all she answered, but she threw a very meaningful look at Misha to make him understand he should shut up and change the subject.

 

“Alright, how about a cute story then?”

She gave him a suspicious look, raising an eyebrow. He searched for his phone in his pocket and showed her a picture of him when he was a kid, his face completely distorted by bloody wounds.

She had a recoil movement.

“Remember that day?”

“You call that a cute story? God look at your face! Of course I remember.”

Misha stood up and went down the stage, placing his phone in front of the main camera for everybody to see.

“You guys remember when I posted this on Twitter?”

Everybody said ‘yes’, and Misha jumped on stage and sat back next to Lily.

 

“I think I can tell you more about it now. I just told you it was a bike accident.”

“It was.” Lily pointed out, not really sure what he wanted to tell them. She remembered that day vividly. She had the fear of her life.

“Oh, it was more than that, it was also the day we sealed our friendship. That’s what it felt to me, at least.”

She frowned, not knowing what he meant. “Okay, now I’m curious too.”

 

Misha cleared his throat and settled back on his chair.

“We were what… ten? Eleven?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“It’s actually a good story to tell today, it was the father’s day weekend if I recall correctly.”

“Mmhmm…” Lily hummed and sent a quick look at Rebecca who was now sitting at the end of the front row.

“Our moms were already good friends at the time, but we didn’t even go to the same school, we were just hanging out to her grandparent’s place twice a week and that was it. I wanted to find something to do to keep her mind busy that weekend, though. Her father had died a few months before, and I just didn’t want her to stay at home thinking about it, so what’s best than a bike ride to clear your mind, right?”

 

 _Smartass_. He never told her that was the reason why he invited her for a bike ride. She’d thought he was the one who actually needed to clear his mind on father’s day. She knew he was always sad every time he thought about his father being so absent.

“Anyway, we rode to the park near her house, it’s a very nice place in the nature, with lots of trees, a beautiful river, waterfalls, beaches and we just liked going there a lot. We sat on a bench to drink before going back home, when the ‘cool’ rich and dumb kids of my school walked towards us, thinking it was a good thing to tease me a little more in front of my female friend.”

The audience was very quiet. It was a heavy topic in the Supernatural fandom. Misha never hid the fact he had been bullied at school, just like Jared, but he never really gave any details nor had he told any specific stories about it.

“No need for details, but of course I didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of her, so I tried to reply to their harsh words as best as I could, which they didn’t appreciate, and they asked her to go to the movie with them instead of hanging out doing nothing with a poor dude like me. She picked her bike and I thought she would actually go with them, but she just asked me to do the same so we could go home. It seems like nothing now that we’re adults, but when you’re eleven and lonely it actually means a lot.”

Lily swallowed the lump in her throat. How come she never thought about little details like those even when she grew older? It really felt like nothing important to her, she just did what felt right at the moment and that was it.

“We were riding back when we arrived near the hills of the park, I sped up because the stupid kids obviously weren’t done with us so they followed us, and I just fell down the hill with my bike. Naturally the brave kids ran away, and Lily called for help.”

Misha stopped talking to look at her and just smiled.

“I almost peed my pants. You scared me!”

“Sorry about that.”

He laughed and stood up. “So yeah… She could’ve gone with them, it would’ve been the logic thing to do at that age, rich kids hanging out with a rich girl, but no, the miss decided to stand by me that day, and I started to think maybe she didn’t hang out with me only because our moms were friends and she just had to.”

“ _That_ ’s what you thought?” She asked in a high pitched voice.

Misha rolled his eyes. “It crossed my mind.”

 

_Typical._

 

“Did I answer your question? It was not a funny story, sorry.” Misha turned to the fan who asked for the childhood story.

“It was perfect, thank you!”

 

This is when Sebastian decided to crash the panel.

“Are you having fun in here?”

He came up on stage and Misha welcomed him by putting his arm around his shoulders.

“You have no idea!”

 

“Mademoiselle...” Sebastian bent down and kissed Lily twice on the cheeks to say hello.

“Monsieur...” She smiled, kissing him back.

“What were you talking about?”

“You just missed a cute story.” Misha teased.

“Damn! Was it as good as the bathroom story from yesterday?”

Lily’s eyes widened and she raised her mic, almost ready to scream ‘shut up!’ but she didn’t.

Misha cracked up. “Nope. She forbade me to tell that specific story in front of all these people. I don’t know why.”

“I don’t know why either. It’s such a funny story! But I’m always up for new ones, I’ll watch this one on Youtube then.” Sebastian sat on Misha’s chair next to Lily, and her face fell.

“What???”

“Oh, did I forget to mention those lovely people can't help filming every panel and post it everywhere on the internet? Oops!” Misha teased.

“I thought it was not allowed!”

Sebastian smiled and was proud he could place his next line.

“Yeah... just like it's not allowed to fuck in school's bathroom. People don't care and do it anyway.”

The screams of the audience were crazy, Lily's eyes popped out of her head and her mouth dropped before she hid her face in her hands, blushing furiously.

She thought Misha would say something, but he just laughed his ass off with Sebastian.

“Okay, I'm leaving.” She jumped down of her seat and walked away towards Rebecca, followed by Misha who first thanked and greeted the cheerful audience and whispered something in Sebastian’s ear, leaving him behind for his own panel.

 

He had to go to photo ops now, but he needed to be sure Lily was okay first, so he ran to catch her arm and stop her in her track.

“You're not mad, are you?”

“I don't know yet... If they figure out Seb was talking about us and I get tons of crap because of this, I'll make you pay.”

He smiled when he heard her playful voice.

“Fine. They won't though, they think Vicki is my first love. Come with me! I want a photo with you!”

“Uh... Okay.”

They entered the photo op room, fans were already waiting in line, but Misha took the time to make a few photos with Lily and his mom before letting them go.

 

She then left the Hilton with Rebecca and went to the old city, because there was no way she could leave Rome without doing some shopping and they still had plenty of time until the last panel.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can watch the videos of the real panel here : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ke8-VhHoRHI&index=182&list=PL81DD34E032EC6F5F and here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8k37UQL-TVA&list=PL81DD34E032EC6F5F&index=183
> 
> Also I couldn't find the video where Misha talks about his house burning, if someone know where it is you can contact me, I will add it here too.


	12. BELLA NOTTE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last night in Rome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost 50000 words, 12 chapters (13 will come right when season 13 of Supernatural starts yay!), I just wanted to say THANK YOU to all the people who read and left kudos, you people are the best and you keep me writing :)
> 
> I still have lots of ideas and this story is far from being done, I hope you're patient and you like long stories ;)

 

 

Shopping in Rome with Rebecca was some really good experience! Lily bought two dresses, but then she needed shoes to match so... she bought two pairs of Italian shoes. One heels and one flat because she couldn't decide which one fitted best... and then, she walked in front of a tiny but very cute shop where they had very beautiful purses and she couldn't resist either. She also had to find a gift for Katie or she would definitely not be happy, and before they planned to go back to the convention, they decided to stop to eat some ice cream.

Lily moaned when she took the first bite of her vanilla/cherry ice cream.

“Mmmh, Italian ice cream is definitely the best in the world!”

Rebecca laughed and approved. They were enjoying their snack on a bench in a huge park, the warm spring sun kissing their skin, and Lily felt very good and at peace at that moment. Everything was just perfect.

“How are things with you and Misha?” Rebecca asked suddenly, startling Lily who didn't answer right away, not knowing what she meant exactly.

“We’re good, I guess? Why do you ask?”

“I’m just curious... I remember a time when you were very close and to be honest, he told me once that he proposed to you two weeks before the fire. I never knew if it was really true or if he was just messing with me. But now things are different and I’m just wondering how things are going between you two. Now that I know you’re here, I would hate to see you two apart again.”

Lily looked at her and smirked.

“We’re good. Really. I have no intention of disappearing again.”

Rebecca smiled.

“Is it true? I mean... that he proposed.”

“It is.”

Rebecca’s smile couldn’t be wider.

“Did you say yes?”

Lily laughed at her amused face.

“I did. But I was terrified to tell my mom and I made him promise he wouldn't tell you until I had the guts to tell her... But I never had the occasion.”

Rebecca placed a hand on Lily’s knee.

“So... are you upset he's married to someone else now?”

Lily's eyes stared into the distance; she was looking at nothing, truly thinking about her question.

“No. It was two decades ago. A lot happened and we were probably too young anyway. Vicki's perfect for him. I'm happy he found what he was looking for.”

“Vicki is an amazing woman indeed and I love her deeply... I don't think they have the same kind of connection you had with Misha though.”

She shrugged.

“That connection is kinda gone.”

Rebecca folded her arms and legs, shaking her head.

“Oh dear... I don't think it is.”

“Well maybe not completely but… It was a lifetime ago, we both changed, everything changed. I loved other men, he loves another woman, he built his own family, and I just hope we can still be friends like we were. I hope this part is not broken because I miss it.”

Rebecca smiled once again. It was so easy to talk to her. She was so comprehensive, and that obviously hadn’t changed a bit.

“I know my son, sweetheart. I talked to him this morning after he left your room. It’s definitely not broken.”

Lily looked at her and raised her eyebrows, remembering their stupid fight over Ty.

“Oh, he told you about that?”

“He couldn't hide it very well to be honest. It may not be the same kind of love, but I think he’s still very protective with you.”

Lily stood up and threw her napkin in the bin right next to the bench they were sitting at, and she sat back, smoothing her dress on her thighs nervously.

“I don't know. He says we need closure, and he’s probably right. I just know for sure I want him to be happy, and I want him to make his family happy. And if I have to go away from him in order for him to do that, I will go without an hesitation.”

Rebecca laughed heartedly.

“Oh jeez, Lily, don’t be so dramatic, you’re not going anywhere this time. Now that he found you back, I honestly don't think he can be truly happy if you stay away from him for too long. Same for me.”

Lily tenderly looked at her.

“We still have to adjust, I guess. It will take time but we'll figure it out.”

Rebecca stood up clapping her hands.

“We should go back before his last panel starts or he will say I kept you away from him.”

Lily laughed and followed her.

On their way back to their cab, Lily saw a little shop with handmade clothes for kids and it was so damn cute that she stopped to buy something for West and Maison.

 

Of course, it took more time than expected, and when they went back to the Hilton, it was almost the end of the convention. Misha had texted Lily on their way back, worried after not seeing her almost the whole day. He said he was about to start his panel with Jensen and it would be the last thing before the closing ceremony and he wanted her to be here.

They rushed but were late. They probably didn't miss too much, but when they stepped in the panel room, Misha and Jensen were already on stage, standing next to a poor kid who was obviously too impressed to talk, and Misha was... shaking some... red stick that was supposed to make bubbles?

Lily figured it was a present for the scared kid, who still wasn't talking.

Her feet were hurting from all the walking she had done while shopping, so she took a seat near the stage, at the very end of the front row, right next to Rebecca.

Jensen took the chair with the kid on it and put it down the stage, but he just wouldn't move from his seat.

After a few other attempts to make him go back to his mom, she heard both men say “Merci” and “Au revoir”, and when the little boy didn't give up his chair, someone brought another one for Jensen so they could go on with the questions.

She saw Misha scanning the audience, and when he finally spotted her and his mom, he smiled faintly and turned to look at the other side of the stage to answer a fan who wanted to know if there was something they didn't like about their characters.

They were busy answering when she saw an arm popping out of the curtain behind them, holding a glass of something that looked like whiskey. Jensen got up and took the glass, pretending it was apple juice after smelling it, and Lily thought it would definitely be another crazy panel if they both started to drink and be tipsy.

At one point, Jensen asked the audience to film a short video for Jared who couldn't be here. It was a bit messy but they eventually managed to record it, screaming “We miss you, Jared!”, though Lily doubted it was very audible on the video.

Then a fan said she had a question for Misha, which leaded to Jensen dropping his mic, and the fan talked about his old resume. Suddenly Misha ran down the stage to pick the sheet of paper the fan had in her hand, which was in fact Jensen's old resume... And this is where crazy panel number two started!

She could see the devious look on Misha's face and she knew he was happy like a kid to make fun of his costar in front of everyone... except it didn't turn in his advantage, because Jensen asked the woman if she had Misha's resume and as she actually did, Jensen went to take it from her, ignoring Misha's loud protestation.

The resume battle started with Misha pointing an extra “e” at the end of “theater”, and went on with special skills, and the crowd went absolutely wild when the music started after Misha did read that Jensen could dance... and despite his goofy behavior and his weird dance moves, he just couldn't fool Lily who saw that, as opposed to Misha's rigid hips, Jensen could definitely sway his pretty good!

After that, it was time for Misha to demonstrate one of his special skills that Lily already experienced in their teenage years: accents. He started to read Jensen's resume in what she supposed was his famous Russian accent, and Jensen was just laughing his ass off at the back of the stage.

When he was done, Jensen simply announced “Tibetan throat singing!”, and Misha started to... well to actually do it!! Where the hell did he learn to do that? Lily couldn't stop laughing at that point.

Jensen then asked him if he could really ride a horse and Lily gasped, almost choking on her own saliva, remembering the one time she tried to make him ride one of their neighbor’s horses. It wasn't a high horse, but it was very nervous, and Misha kept falling, his foot always getting stuck in the stirrup. At the end of the day he could barely sit. So when he answered “as long as the animal is asleep, I'm fine.” she just thought “ _Ehh fair enough_.”

And the music started once again when it was Misha's turn to demonstrate his dancing skills... No need to say he wasn't very eager to show the world he could not dance.

_That should be fun._

Jensen saw the distress on his face when Singing in the Rain started playing and came to help him, hooking his arm to Misha before moving their feet in rhythm.

After a little while, Misha took his own resume and read something about a play he did when he was ten at school. His face lighted up and he looked up to find Lily's eyes, and she had never been happier when Jensen interrupted him. His mouth was wide open, obviously ready to call her again. Jensen walked down and gave the resume back to the fan.

_Thank God!_

They finally moved to another question, and Misha started to complain about Dean never being nice to Castiel, not giving him any Christmas presents, so Jensen brought a huge gift box on stage for him to open, and he found two big fake sunflowers inside, which made everyone laugh again.

Misha walked down the stage and gave one to a fan he obviously knew from another convention, and walked to Lily to give her the second one.

Jensen took that opportunity to tease a little, feeling he could embarrass his friend one more time. “Aww, that's very sweet! Was this your date last night?”

Of course he didn't know Misha introduced her to the fans on his previous panel, so he was very surprised when everyone screamed “That's Lily!”

“Oh... What an epic fail, I didn't know it was public knowledge. Okay, next question!”

Misha laughed proudly and they answered a few more questions, toyed with stuffed pandas, tried to answer the last few questions very fast, made fun of another Russian fan with a huge accent, and then it was time to go, so all the guests came to join them on stage to say thank you and goodbye.

They left on Carry On My Wayward Son music, and Lily stood up with Rebecca to go find everyone in the green room for a final drink before leaving.

 

Once again, when she opened the door, West ran into her and she lifted him in her arms, kissing him on his cheek. She couldn't help it, he was too damn cute!

“I think you have the same children magnet sense your grandfather had.” She heard Misha say behind her so she turned around to face him and smiled.

“She does!” His mother confirmed.

“Nah... I think he just liked you throwing me in the water last week. It broke the ice obviously.”

“YAY!” West screamed and giggled so they all laughed.

“I wanna play!”

“Oh right... I didn't forget sweetie, but there is no piano here, you'll have to come see me at work.”

She winked at him and he instinctively turned to his dad with a look full of hope.

“We will, West. Promise.”

Lily heard her phone buzzing so she put West on the ground and froze when she saw Peter's name on her screen.

When she didn't answer, he texted her “I miss you”. She didn't reply anything, maybe she would later.

“When is your flight?” Misha asked.

“Tomorrow morning.”

Misha’s face lightened. “That is perfect! It means we can do something together tonight because I fly back tomorrow too.”

“I spent the day walking in Rome, please tell me you don’t plan to go hiking.”

“God no, I’m too tired for that. I just thought maybe we could start your Supernatural catching up session.”

“I can’t promise you I won’t fall asleep in front of it but okay.” She laughed.

“Hey beautiful, your hands are empty! Misha, where are your manners? You could at least offer a drink to the lady.”

Ty interrupted, two glasses of champagne in his hand, offering one to Lily.

“Thanks, Ty.” She smiled at him and took the drink.

“You're welcome. Did I hear Misha say you’re catching up tonight? Do you still need a hand to hold?”

Misha's face went blank. Lily felt suddenly very uncomfortable and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, while Rebecca looked at his son sideways.

“Uh... I’ll scream if I need help, but I think I’ll be fine. Thank you for the offer anyway. I appreciate.” She winked at Ty and he smiled back at her.

They drank and chatted a few more and it was soon time to leave for a lot of the cast members. They all left except Misha and his family, Sebastian and Richard.

 

They decided to go eat somewhere all together, and after dinner, they went back to their hotel.

Of course, the kids were exhausted so Vicki went back to their room to put them to bed while Misha went with Lily in her room to start the viewing of Supernatural.

“Vicki's really a different woman. I mean... in a good way, of course.” Lily said while opening the popcorn bag. Misha was searching the TV for the pilot.

“She is. That's why I love her.”

“I mean... you're here with another woman's room instead of spending the evening with her and she doesn't even mind. I would go crazy. What's her secret?”

Misha scoffed. “You wouldn't believe me. One day I'll tell you.”

He sat on the bed, leaning against the board.

“So much mystery.” Lily laughed, sitting next to him.

“Ready?” He asked pointing at the TV with the remote in his hand.

“Is it really scary?”

He smiled “For you, yes. Especially the first season.”

She had to admit she wasn't a fan of horror shows.

Misha pressed the play button and it started, showing the Winchester's home, and suddenly Misha remembered what the first scene was about and doubted she would like it. Except for the demon part, she almost could relate.

Lily was chewing on her popcorn when Mary got stuck in the ceiling. How ironic... her mom's name was Mary too.

She forgot her popcorn as soon as the fire started to appear though.

“Oh my god!” She sat up on the bed, put the bag of popcorn down and held her stomach.

“Sorry... I should probably have warned you about the first scene... I kinda forgot what it was about. Are you okay?”

She turned to look at him so he paused the video.

“I just watched Mary burning on the ceiling trying to save her son, how do you think I am?”

She wasn't expecting that. Ghosts, demons, monsters and jump scares, yes, but not _that_!

“Fair enough.” he replied softly. “How about we skip to the part where I come in so you can make fun of me?”

She couldn't help but closed her eyes and laughed softly.

“Sounds good.”

He searched for season four and started playing episode one when she leaned back against the bed board.

“Oh, Jensen being ripped apart by invisible beasts. That's definitely better!” She sarcastically commented while watching the recap.

“Told you it was gross and scary.”

“And people wonder why I don't watch TV,” she sighed. “You won't... get hurt or whatever, right?”

“Ehh... not right away. I'll warn you.”

They watched the whole episode, but Lily was confused when she didn't see Misha after more than thirty minutes.

“The suspense is killing me...”

“Here I come.” He winked at her when Castiel was about to appear for the first time.

She couldn't believe how badass of an entrance he made!

“Holy shit! They know how to introduce a character, don't they?” She was interrupted by Castiel's deep voice and she burst out laughing. “What happened to your voice?? Were you sick?”

Misha laughed too. “Bad acting choice. I'm stuck with it now.”

“Aw don't say it's bad, it's kinda sexy, I just wasn't prepared. Just like... I wasn't prepared to see you being shot and stabbed.”

“You'll get used to it.”

 

By the end of episode two, Lily was surprised to find herself leaning on Misha. When the hell did that happen? What made her sitting back in her previous position was the super dark tone Castiel used to warn Dean that he should “show him some respect”... Jesus Christ that was hot, and it made her realize she was too close to him.

She smirked and slowly turned her head to look at him with a kinky look in her eyes.

“What?” Misha frowned.

“Talk like that to a woman and her ovaries will explode in two seconds.”

He laughed loudly. “Bullshit!”

“Not at all. It's a fact.”

He sat up a little and stared at her insistently. “May I experiment?”

She held his gaze, and just to look into his piercing blue eyes made her stomach flip. So it was still there... He still had that effect on her.

 

 _Bad idea_.

 

She cleared her throat. “Nope. I'm supposed to make fun of you, remember?”

“True. Shoot, I'm ready.” He leaned back on the board and crossed his arms.

She wanted to find something funny to say. Something she would use to pick on him during the whole catching up sessions. Problem was, she couldn't fake it right now. She knelt on the bed and clapped her hands on her thighs, shaking her head.

“I'm... I'm just super proud of you.”

They shared a look full of tenderness and Misha smiled softly, looking like he couldn't say anything.

“Sorry if I sound like your mom, but it's true. I probably don't even know the half of what you do now, but I needed you to know that anyway. I'm sure it wasn't easy everyday and I know where you come from, so yeah... I'm proud of you, Misha.”

He couldn't erase the smile from his face. It was always nice to hear someone say that, but it was even more pleasant coming from her.

“How do you think I felt when I came to see you playing the other night? I was proud of you too.”

When they heard a phone vibrating, they both looked at the night stand. They saw Lily's screen lighting up with Peter's name again. She sighed but picked her phone up, knowing he wouldn't give up so soon.

“I'll be back soon.” she said leaving the room to go in the hallway for more privacy.

“Peter?”

“Heyyy finally she picks up! Where are you? I missed you too much, I stopped by your apartment but nobody's here. Not even Katie.”

She heard his desperate voice and her heart clenched instantly. She could hear he was not in a happy mood.

“I'm... in Rome.”

He didn't answer right away, probably trying to figure out if he heard right.

“What do you want, Peter? I thought I was clear when I said I have nothing to say to you anymore.”

“What are you doing in Rome? A concert?”

“No. Vacation. I don't have a lot of time Peter, get to the point or I'll hang up.”

“Alright, Alright...» he sniffed “I... I don't even know. I needed to see you. I'm sure you can't throw so many years together in the trash just like that. I really miss you, Lily. I regret what I did and... well...”

“I'm at the other end of the planet, do you realize we can't discuss this right now or your phone bill will explode?”

“When?”

She sighed again. “I'll call you when I'm back.”

“Do you miss me too?”

She stayed quiet for what appeared to be long minutes, but were in fact a few seconds. She actually _DID_ miss him, but she wasn't ready to forgive. Not yet, at least. It did hurt too bad.

“I don't know. I have to go, Peter. Katie's waiting for me. Bye.” She lied and hung up without even waiting for his answer.

She leaned against the wall and breathed deeply to relax before coming back in her room. Misha was still on the bed, checking his phone.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked when he saw her serious expression.

“Yeah.” She sat next to him and put her phone back on the nightstand.

“You sure? You were smiling a few minutes ago...”

They made eye contact and she couldn't help but smiled at him. He had that effect, making people smile in every circumstances.

“Yes, I'm good.”

“He's got a thing for popping out of nowhere when we least expect it.”

She laughed weakly, remembering the night he came by her apartment when she was catching up with Misha.

“He's... He's not feeling too good I guess.”

“So he calls you?”

Lily looked down at her hands. Misha didn't want to sound rude, but he really didn't like the guy and had trouble not showing it. He hurt her and that was enough to protect her from him. He didn't deserve her.

“He said he regrets what he did to me.” Lily almost whispered.

He scoffed “Of course he does... Do you... do you consider forgiving him?”

“No! …. yeah?... I don't know. I don't wanna talk about him anymore.”

Misha sighed and clenched his teeth, but took her hand in his.

“He hurt you, Lily... He cheated on you. Can you forgive that? Can you really trust him again?”

She took her hand away from him.

“I don't know, Misha! I said I don't wanna talk about it anymore. Turn the TV back on or go back to your room, but please stop talking about it!”

He sighed heavily and picked the remote up to press the play button before leaning back against the bed board crossing his arms. He said nothing. Lily observed him for a while and finally leaned next to him.

“When can we go back to Northfield?” He asked after a few minutes, not even watching the TV anymore.

“You're asking me? You're the one with the rockstar schedule.”

“We could go for your birthday next month? Or we could wait the end of June and go back the day it happened. I'm done filming anyway and Gishwhes is in august.”

“Gishwhat? What's that thing? I heard you talking about it during your panel.”

He laughed “I'll show you. Answer the question.”

She sighed. Did she really want to go back so soon? Did she really need to turn that page with Misha? Maybe not... but he obviously needed it.

“Fine, let's wait the end of June then.”

Misha smiled, put his arm around her shoulder and kissed her temple.

“Thank you.”

“Yeah... You're welcome.”

 

She tried to resist, but being so close to him, feeling his warmth and his strong arm around her, she felt so good and safe that her eyelids soon started to feel very heavy. Before she knew it, she was sleeping against Misha, just like she did when she was sixteen, and it felt like heaven again.

 


	13. MISTAKES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated for a few weeks, I'm busy with work. Hope you like this chapter :)

 

 

Life went on pretty normal and boring for Lily after she got back from her trip to Italy.

She had to work a lot, so she was spending most of her days at the music hall, and when that was done, she was practicing at home for hours.

Except for a few text messages, she didn't share much with Misha during that time. She missed him and wanted to spend a lot of time with him, but she knew he was a busy man now, with a family to care about, and it was fine for her.

So that night, when she heard someone ringing at her door, she hoped to see his face when she opened, but was shocked to see the face of Peter instead.

“Peter? What's up? I'm kinda... surprised to see you here.”

“Yeah umm... sorry I didn't call first but... I kinda... miss you and... I thought I would just stop by a few minutes to see if you're okay.”

“I'm fine.”

“Good... can I come in?”

She surprisingly considered letting him in, but didn't know if it was a good idea after all that happened. Noticing her hesitation, Peter helped.

“I just wanna chat for a few minutes and I'll go. Promise. Please, Lily...”

How weak she still was in front of her pleading ex-boyfriend...

“Alright...”

He walked in and kissed her cheek before going to the living room and sit on the sofa.

“So... Is everything okay with you?” Peter asked, patting the sofa next to him so Lily would sit next to him.

She did so.

“Yes, I'm fine, nothing very spectacular since I got back from Rome. I work a lot as usual.”

“Right... Rome. You hate flying, why did you decide to go to Rome all of a sudden?”

“I told you, I needed vacation. Far from here. It was great. It's just a little weird to be on my own now.”

After everything that happened these past weeks, she indeed felt a little lonely in her apartment sometimes. When that feeling was overwhelming and she felt she could lose it, she'd just go to her practice room, put her headphone and dance as long as she could on her favorite music. It was her way to forget she was alone, and it usually worked pretty well.

“You miss your gran'... That's a normal reaction I guess.” He said softly, taking her hand in his and stroked the back of it with his thumb.

She closed her eyes at the pleasant sensation.

“Yeah, I do...”

“Any chance you miss me too?”

He didn't move, but Lily didn't move her hand away from his and sank into his gaze.

“Listen, I know I've been a dick and I deeply regret it. But it happened only once when I was in a hard time and... I know it's no excuse, but I still love you, Lily. So damn much...”

She closed her eyes, melting at his soft words. Why was it so hard to stay mad at him? Why was it so good to hear him say he still loved her?

She reopened her eyes only when she felt his lips on hers. She didn't mind... it felt great, and she missed his kisses. She missed him, and at that moment, she forgot how stupid he had been and how much he hurt her.

It was shy at first, but she kissed him back and after a few seconds it became hungry and needy.

Her whole body was craving his touch, so she didn't protest when he caressed her cheek before laying her back on the sofa and settled on top of her.

She didn't move when he started to undress her.

She didn't flinch when his naked body settled between her legs.

She even moaned when he entered her and thrust fast and hard. It felt good... The physical sensation was good, but her mind wasn't really following.

She was fast to come, and he was too, after so much time spent apart, they couldn't hold back long, but then he stood up and offered his hand to her, suggesting they should move to her bedroom, and she gladly complied.

They spent the whole night on each other, they fell asleep snuggled against each other, and when the morning came, she woke up near him and she felt something strange.

It should've been satisfaction, comfort and peace of mind, but if she had to name it, she would say it was shame mixed with a hint of disappointment and... guilt.

He left before she went to work that morning, and on her way to Benaroya Hall, Lily didn't say anything to Katie, probably because she knew she would make her feel even more ashamed of herself, and she didn't need that. She wouldn't talk about that to Katie... ever.

When Peter called the same evening, she didn't pick up her phone, and when he texted her to ask if he could come over, she didn't reply either.

Just like that, she pushed him away from her one more time, except this time she was the one feeling guilty.

 

****************

 

 

The last week of August came fast, and with it, the day Lily had to leave for her trip to Northfield with Misha as she promised him.

He was free because he wasn't in the next episodes they were filming, and Lily didn't work the whole week, so they jumped on a plane, just the two of them, to go back to the place they used to share and love so much, and hopefully turn the page of their old relationship to start a new platonic one. That's at least what Lily expected from this trip, and what Misha told her he wanted too.

As surprising as it was, Lily was happy to do it. She needed things to be clear between them, and she especially wanted to do that for Vicki. His wife was too amazing to risk anything. She would never forgive herself if they'd fight because of her. He built a perfect family and he deserved to be happy with them. But in order to do that, he would need to give them all of him, and apparently he needed to let go of the part of him that was still stuck in the past with Lily.

Misha took care of booking the hotel, a nice place not too far from Lily's grandmother's mansion. They arrived on a cloudy Tuesday morning, and Lily was happy to finally settle somewhere else than a plane or a car.

She went to the front desk to check in while Misha was getting some coffee, but he apparently didn't book his room under his real name because she could only find hers.

“Are you sure you don't have anyone called Krushnic? Or Collins? Or Vantoch... or Tippens maybe?”

“Sorry Ma'am but no...”

Misha popped out from behind, carrying two cups.

“Yep! This is it, we're good to go.” He took the key from her and started to walk towards the elevator.

“Wait! I don't have your key, I didn't know which name you booked your room with!”

“I booked only one room, Lily. Let's go.”

It took a few seconds for her to process what he just said, and by that time she heard the 'ding' of the elevator's door.

“Wait... What??? Are you nuts?”

“Relax! two beds.” He winked and she sighed.

“Oh... Fine... a little awkward but fine.”

“That's not awkward. We're just two old friends sharing a room.”

She scoffed, not missing the irony in his voice. She couldn't believe he was the one saying that.

“Sure, sure... two friends who used to fuck like rabbits, but sure!”

He almost chocked on his coffee.

“Miss Hagen! such a crude language!”

It was her time to wink before stepping out of the elevator.

“I'll try to refrain from snoring then.”

They settled on their room and decided to visit the mansion first as they were not far from it.

 

When they arrived at the Litchfield's house and Lily opened the door of the workshop, the smell of wood rushed to Misha's nose and with it, all the memories he treasured so much.

"God! The smell itself brings back tons of memories."

"Look!" Lily trotted to a shelf, took the small plane that sat on it and handed it to Misha.

"Remember this?"

Misha walked next to her and took the object from her.

"Damn! Isn't it the first thing I did with your grandpa?"

He looked at her as she nodded with a smile.

"I was so proud I did this, I couldn't stop talking about it with you and I carried it with me everywhere."

"Oh yeah... Believe me, I remember." She chuckled and he joined her.

"Now I see it's just ugly!"

"Aw you're too hard on yourself, it's just... handwork."

They shared an amused look and cracked up.

"You should take it and give it to West."

"Yeah, I'll do that. He will be happy to hear that bedtime story of me cutting my fingers to make it... He's into a bloody stories phase... Hey!"

He suddenly spotted something in the drawer he just pulled and picked it up. When he turned around to face Lily and raised his hand, she saw a chain hanging on his fingers, the wooden braided ring he made for her hooked on it.

"What is it doing here? You were supposed to wear it and keep it forever!"

Lily's eyes sparkled.

"I lost it! Of course I never told you that, but I didn't know where it was! Grandma must've found it and thought it belonged here so she put it back."

"Well... I disagree." He stepped forward and wrapped his hands at the back of her neck, locked the necklace and gently pulled her long wavy hair out of it.

"It belongs here."

It instantly reminded her of the day he gave it to her, right before their first time, and she suddenly felt a very familiar flutter in her chest, but tried to push it away.

Misha was still in front of her, his blue eyes piercing into hers. She cleared her throat, and he almost jumped, lost in his memories too.

"Alright! You can actually take whatever you want. I'll probably sell the place so... I'll get rid of everything you won't keep."

That felt terribly wrong to Misha.

"What? You seriously consider selling this place?"

She walked along the shelves, brushing her fingers on each wooden toys.

"What else can I do?"

"Anything! You have plenty of possibilities! You can't just throw this away like it doesn't mean anything!"

She noticed his voice raising and getting higher and felt a little guilty. She could understand he was sad to see all of this go, she was too, but she thought he was smart enough to be reasonable about it anyway.

"You're too sentimental, Misha. I can't keep huge places like those only because I had good times in it. It's a total waste!"

He turned around and ran nervously his hands in his hair, scanning everything in the room.

"Too sentim-..." He didn't even bother finishing to repeat what she just said, as offensive as it felt. "You grew up here! You spent all your childhood and teenage years between this house and the farm, your most treasured memories are inside those walls, and now that it's yours, you wanna just give everything up and throw all this away like an old box of crap?"

His voice was raising even more and she didn't like that, so she raised hers too.

"Hey! don't you dare talk like it means nothing to me! It's not an easy thing to do, but I don't see what else I can do with two fucking huge houses when I live at the opposite side of the continent, and _you_ were the one who wanted to come here to turn the page, so brace yourself Mr Collins, because this is part of moving on, and it's _MY_ fucking choice!"

She was out of breath now. Why did he have to make her feel guilty about everything? They were here to collect memories and have a good time, but here they were yelling at each other again, in the middle of her grandfather's favorite place, and Misha apparently wasn't done.

"Well it's a _BAD_ choice!"

"Just because you don't agree doesn't make it a bad choice..." Her voice was a bit shaky now, so she said it lower.

His jaw twitched, he was visibly holding his reply back. He took an empty box, threw as many things he could inside and walked out of the garage with rage plastered on his face.

"Hey! Where are you going?"

When he didn't answer, she hurried, locking the door behind her and rushed after him.

They were all the way up at the front of the house when she finally saw him, loading the box in the car he rented.

"Misha!"

Still no answer. He was now in the car, starting the engine. She ran faster and yelled.

"Hey! You can't just leave me here like that, you're my ride! What the hell are you doing? Misha!!!!"

He ignored her and drove away while she just stood here alone, shocked and aghast.

" _DICK_!" She cursed out loud, kicking the ground.

And of course she had let her purse in the car, and her phone was in it...

"Arrrgggh asshole!!!"

She started to feel dizzy because of all the rage swirling inside of her, ready to explode, so she sat in the grass near the parking lot and took deep breaths.

That was a very good start for this trip, right?

When she felt better, she tried to think about where he could've been gone. Maybe he went back to the hotel... But she doubted he would just lock himself in a hotel room. Or maybe he went to the farm? Mmmh... Knowing she wanted to sell it, he was probably too angry for that now... And then she remembered he always went to the same place when he was not feeling good... The place where he lived before moving to the cottage with his family...

 

*************************************************

 

**Northfield - December 1987**

 

 

Lily and her mother were walking back home in the freezing night after they went shopping in town. It was almost Christmas so they went to buy some presents for the family, and Lily bought some for Misha and Sasha too, as she knew they were back in town.

Misha had stopped by her grandmother's house the day before to bring her grandpa some presents for Christmas, to thank him and her grandma for everything they've done for him and his family.

Unfortunately, they didn't know the old man died in his sleep a few weeks ago, so when her grandma told them, Lily heard Misha's sob resonating through the entry hall.

They came inside to talk around a cup of tea, and Rebecca told her grandmother they were back in town and she planned to stay for a while. That made Lily very happy to have her best friend back for Christmas.

When she asked where they were staying, Rebecca didn't answer and changed the subject, so Lily just supposed they were still staying at the same small place, a few blocks away.

"Lily, can you speed up please? It's freezing outside and I still have to make dinner." Her mother called. Lily was stuck in her mind, walking behind her mom absentmindedly.

"Sorry... But we could've taken a car you know... It would've been faster!"

"Aw, come on sweetie-Ly, it's so pleasant to walk in the snow when it's Christmas time! It's not like we live far from the city. Stop complaining, you're a healthy and lucky thirteen year-old girl... Some people don't even have legs! Be grateful!"

_What??_

Lily rolled her eyes.

"Seriously? I can't believe you just said that..."

"Believe it or not but it's true. So now... What do we cook for dinner?"

"Mmmh... Spaghetti!!"

Mary chuckled.

"Sometimes I really wonder if you have Italian blood."

"Well you should know that better than I d- Ouch! Mom!" Mary stopped walking suddenly, and as Lily was walking right behind her without paying attention, she bumped into her, head first.

She rubbed her sore nose and saw her mom looking straight ahead at the other side of the road, so Lily checked to see what had caused her to stop walking so abruptly.

She was surprised to find Misha's eyes staring back at her, with a glimpse of awkwardness in his gaze. He was standing in front of... a tent?

For a few seconds, no one dared moving or talking. Mary didn't want to make him feel even more uncomfortable, Lily wasn't sure she understood what was exactly going on, and Misha was just frozen, obviously not expecting their visit.

It was a little away from the center, near the woods that were following the road to go to the farm, in a camp where a few people usually settled for the night when they were traveling. It was definitely not a good place to live for a long period, especially in the cold winter.

Mary decided she couldn't just ignore him and crossed the road, followed by Lily.

“Hey Misha! Lily told me you were back in town, I'm happy to see you! It's been a long time.” She hugged him and searched the place.

“Is your mom around?”

As if on cue, Rebecca appeared from inside the tent. She must've heard them and went to hug her friend she hadn't seen for a while.

“Hey Becca, I missed you! Why didn't you say you were planning to come back? I would've arranged a few things for you.”

“I missed you too, Mary. It's been almost a year! Don't worry, we're fine.”

“Is Sasha with you too?”

Lily saw Misha and her mom exchanging a quick glance.

“He's sleeping inside. He's a bit sick.”

“Do you have a place to stay? I mean... other than... here?”

“Sure! This is temporary. We were supposed to go back to the place we had before but it wasn't free right away so...”

“Well now that I just found you, I can't just go home and do like nothing happened! I have so many things to tell you! Why don't you all come with us and we'll have dinner? It's too cold to be outside. Plus Lily's craving spaghetti so she will probably cook for too many people again.”

Lily looked down amused and she heard Misha chuckling. It was a bad habit... she always cooked too much when she was starving.

“Alright... Just let me wake Sasha up.”

She disappeared inside the tent, and when she came out again, she was carrying Sasha who was obviously too weak to fully wake up.

“Ugh! He's definitely getting too big for me!” She put him down and Misha helped him walk. Lily came at the other side and helped supporting him too.

When they were finally home, Lily took Misha with her in the kitchen to cook dinner while the two women took care of Sasha in the first floor's guest room.

“Thank you, Mary.” Rebecca said in a low voice while she was tucking his son in the bed.

“You're welcome... are you sure you don't want me to take him to the hospital? I really think he has a bad cold and needs antibiotics...”

Rebecca rubbed Sasha's hot and sweaty forehead tenderly.

“We don't have health insurance anymore. I can't buy him antibiotics. He'll be just fine if he can rest here for a few days.”

“Of course he can stay here.” Mary laid a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder.

“Let's go downstairs before Lily burn the whole kitchen, shall we?”

They shared dinner in the living room while Sasha was resting, and Mary took this opportunity to tell Rebecca what she really had in mind.

“You know... the cottage is free if you... want a temporary place to stay while your place is getting ready...”

Misha looked at his mother with his eyes full of hope but they didn't share a word. Lily could tell he was worried, she knew him enough to notice when something was wrong, and he was awfully quiet for someone who usually was so chatty with her, especially after a long period without seeing each other.

“I mean... I know you have plans and I would hate to overstep but... It's almost Christmas and since my husband and my dad died we kinda feel lonely here and I would absolutely love to have you with us... Plus I could really use your help in the farm... and Lily and your boys are already good friends so I'm sure it won't be a problem... what do you think?”

“I think...” Rebecca looked at her son one more time, trying to see if he was okay with the idea, but she only saw him sharing a warm smile with Lily.

“I think it's actually not a bad idea.”

“Great! Oh that's gonna be fantastic! Let me get dessert now!”

Mary stood up happily and went to the kitchen, humming Christmas carols, a huge smile on her face.

That was the beginning of a long period of happiness for both families, and one of the best Christmas Misha's family had until now.

 

 

*************************************************

 

 

It was raining when Lily arrived at the camp an hour later, so she popped out her umbrella. She had to ask her grandmother's old neighbors to call a taxi so she could drive here. They were nice old people, but very curious to learn about the little Lily they saw growing up, so she had no choice but to tell them what was going on in her life, avoiding the details as much as she could.

She scanned the place and saw him on the same spot he always came to when he needed to think. He was sitting on the wet stoned picnic table facing the place their tent was once settled, his feet on the bench, his elbows on his knees, burying his head in his hands. He obviously was here for a while because he was so wet that his hair was dripping. Lily's heart tightened at that vision.

She slowly and quietly stepped towards him. Misha didn't hear her, and it's only when he couldn't feel the cold rain dropping on his skin that he looked up to see her standing before him, her arm extended to share her umbrella with him.

“You're wet.” She pointed out in almost a whisper.

He looked away, observing the few people trying to get their drying clothes inside, surprised by the rain.

“How did you find me?”

She scoffed.

“Well... seems like you still have the same thinking spot after all those years. May I sit with you?”

He shrugged and she sat up to the table next to him, still sharing her large black umbrella so they wouldn't get too wet.

“Misha... What is it? I can't believe you're that upset just because of me selling the houses.”

He sighed.

“You don't get it, do you? It's so much more than that to me. More than a few pieces of lands and walls.”

“I _do_ get it! It is for me too, what do you think? It's hard but necessary. You asked for this trip, Misha. You wanted to come here and leave all of this behind you, and now you act like I'm the bad person who wants to get rid of everything you cared about. I never said it would be easy.”

He wiped the wetness off his face and brushed his hair back with his fingers.

“I've built my whole house thanks to your grandfather's lessons... I've created a charity based on the values he taught me... I became an actor to be able to change things in this world, because I wanted to do as much as your family did for us on a larger scale, I married a woman who I love because she sometimes manages to make me feel as good as I felt when I was with you... I have two kids who I want to raise exactly with the same values your family taught me. My whole life is based on this place... my whole damn life, and probably my mom's and Sasha's too, gravitates around you, your family and this place! I'm just sad to let it go.”

A tear fell from Lily's eyes as she took Misha's hand in hers. She actually never thought about it like that.

“And what do you think it did to me when I had to let go? I had nothing anymore... My whole life turned into ashes, including my _family._ ” She sniffed “ _Every.single.member_ of my family is dead, Misha. I am utterly alone, but I know I have to keep going for them.” She couldn't hold her tears back anymore.

Misha leaned his forehead on her shoulder and closed his eyes.

“How did you manage it?”

“I don't know...” It was a whisper.

“Sometimes I just wanna die to be with them again.”

His head flew up but she ignored him and looked in the distance.

“I thought about slicing my wrists probably a hundred times after the fire, thinking I didn't deserve to live when everybody else died. Ryan should've lived instead of me... but here I am... and I have to keep going for them... and I will.”

Misha laced his fingers with hers and squeezed her hand.

“I told you that a long time ago, and it's still true today... You're the most amazing woman God has ever created on this planet.”

She laughed bitterly between her tears.

“Oh my! I'm definitely not.”

“You're wrong about one point though.”

She met his piercing blue eyes when she noticed he wouldn't talk more.

“You're not alone. As long as I'm alive, I'll make sure of that.”

She threw her arms around his neck and broke down crying, realizing she needed to hear that for a very long time, but never in those past twenty years had she thought Misha would be the one pronouncing them.

She drew back and kissed his cheek.

“Thank you.”

“Oh... Is that the french way to say thank you? I like it.”

She giggled and nicely slapped his shoulder.

“Shut up.”

“So... Are we going to the farm today?”

“How about we get up early tomorrow and go? I'm freezing and I'm starving, snuggling in my bed stuffing my face like a pig feels like heaven to me right now to be honest.”

Misha chuckled.

“How sexy! Alright let's go then... maybe they'll have spaghetti.” He helped her jumping down of the table.

She let out a long moan.

“Stop talking dirty to me!”

She hooked her arm around his and they started walking back to the cab.

“We never really tried that...” Misha said after thinking silently for a while.

“Try what?”

“Dirty talk!”

He said it too loud so Lily sank into him and hid her face with her umbrella.

“Geez, can you yell it louder? Someone at the other end of the planet didn't catch! We were fifteen, for god sake, of course we never did that! I was too innocent, you perv!”

He burst out laughing, throwing his head back and closing his eyes.

“Do you listen to yourself, miss purity? You were far from innocent!”

“What? Yes I was! I didn't even know how to dirty talk at the time!”

“Mmh I don't really agree here... You knew perfectly what to say to drive me crazy.”

“Can we change the subject? Just get in the damn car.”

He threw a mischievous look at her before getting in the car, and they were back in the hotel ten minutes later.

“Dibs for the shower!” Lily ran though the door and went directly to her suitcase to find clean clothes.

“Said the girl who spent an hour under the rain without an umbrella...” Misha replied sarcastically.

“Oh... Sorry I didn't think about that... But you're the one who booked only one room, so screw you, I'm going in the shower.” She ran and locked the bathroom door behind her.

“That language again...”

Misha ordered food while she was showering and laid on his bed to call Vicki and the kids. He was speaking to West when he heard Lily's panicked voice through the bathroom door.

“Oh God, Misha, help me!!!”

He jumped out of bed, his heart bouncing.

“Tell mommy I have to go, baby!” And he hung up fast.

“Lily? What is it?” he called with panic, knocking on the bathroom door.

“There is a giant monster in the bathtub!!”

Oh... He sighed and chuckled with relief when he understood what it was about and tried to joke about it.

“What kind of monster? Do I need salt or is it more of a silver kind of monster?”

_Uh?_

She had absolutely no idea what he was talking about but she had no time to waste!

“The eight legs kind of monster!! Get in there and kill it before I die!!!”

He couldn't help but laugh and turned the door knob.

“If you don't unlock the door, it will be difficult for me to get in, you know...”

“AAAhhh it's moving!!!”

He heard the click of the door lock and she grabbed the front of his shirt.

“Get in here!”

He saw her draped in her towel, her hair dripping. That was not a bad view...

She pointed at the bathtub and he looked inside.

“Great specimen of tarantula indeed...”

“What? Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!”

He giggled like a kid.

“Lily, there are no tarantulas here, I'm just joking. Will you please chill out and-”

“WILL YOU PLEASE KILL IT NOW???”

“Wow okay!” He took the shower head and was about to turn on the hot water.

“You're gonna kill it with the shower head??”

“If you don't shut up I'm not gonna kill it, I'll put it in your bed.”

She bit her lower lip but...

“What if it crawls back up the pipe when I'm in the shower?”

“Okay, that's enough.” He put the shower head back in it's place before turning to her.

“What are you doing?”

He grabbed her and she panicked when he carried her on his shoulder.

“Misha let me down!!! Okay, I'll shut up! I'll do whatever you want!! Oh my god don't do this! I'm sorry!”

He slammed her down on her bed and pointed his index finger at her.

“If you move from here, you'll be in trouble.”

She didn't reply but didn't move when he got back in the bathroom. She heard the water running and when he went back in the room a few seconds later, she was still in the same position on her back, supported by her elbows.

“Good girl. You can go now, it's gone.”

She collapsed on her bed.

“I'm too tired now... you can go first.”

Misha rolled his eyes and went to the shower. When he was done and got back in the room, he saw Lily still laying on her back, but she was asleep. He wanted to get her a blanket but a knock on the door interrupted him and woke her up. It was room service bringing their food.

“Dinner time.” He winked.

“God exists... are you gonna wear a shirt or...”

He looked down at himself.

“Do I need to?”

She was staring at his very distracting chest and a grin slowly appeared on her face.

“You still have your nipple freckle.”

He chuckled and she pouted when he put a gray T-shirt on.

“Eat!” He ordered.

They both ate on his bed, and they laid down watching some TV. She instinctively snuggled next to him, and soon enough she fell asleep against him. Misha looked at her sleeping like that next to him and he smiled, remembering the countless times they both fell asleep like that when they were young, and he realized he missed it more than he would want to admit.

He pulled the blanket up on them both, kissed her hair and soon joined her.

 


	14. PTSD

 

The sun had just risen when Lily started to drift from a deep sleep to the half comatose state she was when she usually woke up. That state where she always wondered which day it was.

 

Her eyes still closed, she squeezed her pillow and twitched a little.

 

_Mmh that's warm and firm and it smells good..._

 

She tried to stretch her legs a little, and winced when she found one of them intertwined with... another leg that didn't belong to her!... And didn't belong to Peter either!

 

And suddenly she remembered she was in a hotel in Northfield with Misha and fell asleep next to him yesterday. Her eyes popped open, she let go of him and jumped to get out of his arms, feeling guilty, but she was too close to the edge of the bed so she fell on the floor, back first, bumping her head on the nightstand in the process.

 

"Ouch! Fuck!"

 

Naturally, the movement followed by the loud thud woke Misha up.

 

"Damn! Lily are you okay?"

He laid on his stomach to look down the bed and stifled a laugh when he saw her laying on her back, wearing only the large T-shirt and shorts that she slept in, her legs spread, rubbing on the back of her head.

 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

 

Misha's face fell when she pulled her hand away from her head and he saw blood on it. He immediately jumped down the bed next to her and supported her head.

 

"You're bleeding!" He helped her getting up slowly and sat her on the bed, examining her hair, and spotted the wound where it was sticky.

 

"I don't think you need stitches, but let me clean it."

She was awfully quiet the whole time. Misha went to the bathroom and could only find alcohol to disinfect the wound.

 

He sat behind her and applied the gauze on it. She jumped once again.

"Fuck! It hurts! What did you put on it?"

"Oh she speaks! It's alcohol, don't be a baby. It won't be long."

 

She hissed when he cleaned the wound but didn't say anything.

"Why did you jump out of bed like that?"

"I don't know, I... I woke up and I saw you... I felt guilty and in the half-asleep state I was in I jumped like an idiot."

 

He was amused.

"That's a first! You feeling guilty because you slept with me."

"That was totally inappropriate. I'm sorry."

"We watched TV and fell asleep. Big deal! We're not teens anymore, Lily. And it's not like I have a jealous wife in the first place. Just relax, would you?"

"I know! I just need to get used to it, I guess."

 

"Okay, you're fine."

He stood up and disappeared in the bathroom. When he reappeared a few minutes later, he was fully dressed and ready to go.

 

"I'm gonna get breakfast. Get ready. We've stalled long enough."

 

She sighed and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower and get dressed. Misha was here with breakfast when she went back in the room to get her stuff.

"Your morning dose of caffeine, ma'am."

She took the cup from his hand with a smile. That was just what she needed.

 

They left the hotel and jumped into the rental car to finally drive to the farm.

The short trip was quiet, they were both sipping on their coffees when they soon arrived in front the property where Misha parked the car.

 

"I'm kinda nervous..." He admitted.

"I know... I was too. But you'll feel better when we're done."

"Where do we start?"

"Let's go directly to the house and we'll walked back to the car stopping by the other places."

"Okay..."

 

He got out of the car and started walking on the large main path, Lily by his side.

"Why do you always say Vicki's not the jealous type?"

 

She didn't even know why she asked that question at that moment, but the silence was making her nervous and it was the first thing she could think about.

 

"Because it's true. I'm not either, and I guess we've been together for so long because we found a certain... balance."

"You??? Not jealous??? Are you kidding me? Do I have to remind you what you did because of Ty in Italy?”

"That was different." He said, his voice becoming lower.

"How?"

"Well... It was you. I don't... you I can't share."

"Share? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Are you saying you're sharing Vicki?"

 

They were now walking between the cottage and the pond.

"Yeah. She's probably banging her girlfriend as we speak and I don't mind."

"Wha-"

She stopped walking, and when Misha realized she wasn't next to him anymore he turned around.

"What? Don't tell me you're tired already!"

 

She walked next to him so she didn't have to scream.

"Do you realize what you just said to me?"

 

He kept walking and she followed, they were now on their way to the orchard.

"Of course I do. I wasn't lying went I told you we're not enough for each other. She loves me, but she's in love with her friend too and I'm okay with it. They have sex, they're happy, and if I need to, I just... join them."

Lily's mouth dropped.

"Excuse me???"

 

Alright... he was definitely messing with her now. It couldn't be real.

 

He didn't add anything, so she scoffed.

"You're not serious. you can't be."

"I assure you I am, Lily."

"But... But... But.... The kids! And... and... How could you change that much?"

"The kids are out of this. They're too young to understand anyway. And I didn't change, I just met a woman with other... convictions. I don't think it would've happened with you."

"Of course not! I mean no offense but... I would be full of rage if I knew my husband was screwing another woman, friend or not!"

 

At that moment, she pictured Peter and Katie having sex and felt nauseous.

 

Misha laughed.

"You mean like the time I left with my family and you were sick the whole time thinking I was banging every girl on my path?"

 

Damn he had a good memory. She felt so stupid...

"Ah... You remember that." She looked down at her feet, walking pass the barns.

"I was too disappointed to forget. I told you I would be back and I would be faithful and you didn't believe me. That hurt."

 

She let out an annoyed and embarrassed moan. He knew exactly how to make her feel guilty.

"I knooow... We've been over this a long time ago already! Don't remind me."

"I wouldn't be able to share you. Not even now... not even with Vicki."

"Okay... end of the conversation! This is making me super uncomfortable. We're here anyway."

 

The half burnt house was indeed right in front of them.

"So what now?" She asked a little confused.

"Well... Now we get inside."

 

She ran after him as he started his way to the house.

"What?? Have you lost your mind? It's too dangerous! It will collapse the second we step inside!!! Get your ass back here, Krushnic!"

"Woose!" He screamed.

 

Oh my god she couldn't believe it... Now she was just terrified that something bad could happen to him. It was so damaged and nobody took care of the house in more than twenty years, the wood was probably rotten and too weak, and it was definitely dangerous.

 

He tried to open the large front door and turned around.

"Can you believe it? It's locked!" He laughed. “Who locks the door on a destroyed house? Do you have the key or should I go through the broken window?"

 

She walked next to him.

"How about you do nothing? We can just go chill to the orchard, it's late August there must be plenty of fruits and-"

He started to walk towards the patio, ignoring her comments.

"Okay, broken window it is, then."

" No, no, wait! You're gonna cut your leg, you moron! Of course I have the damn key! What a stubborn ass!"

 

She handed it to him reluctantly and he opened the front door.

“Yeah, that hasn't changed.” He chuckled.

 

They stepped inside the hall, revealing an almost intact ground floor, and when Lily saw her old house dirty and messy, but still looking the same as it was in her memory, her heart skipped a few beats, she couldn't breath anymore, and she collapsed on the ground.

 

Misha didn't have the time to react fast enough to avoid the impact on the ground, but he came quickly to her side and shook her gently.

"Lily!" His voice was full of panic, but he saw her eyes twitch.

"Lily, please wake up!"

 

She opened her eyes and saw his worried face.

“Are you okay?”

"Yes... What happened?" She asked weakly while he helped her standing up.

"I'm not a doctor, but if I had to guess I think you just had some sort of a flashback. You really have to stop knocking your head!"

 

She slowly walked a few steps further inside the hallway, observing everything around her.

"I... I thought it would be all black and smelly and empty... Look at that! Everything's here!"

"Well, except a few curious people and the police, nobody came here since the night of the fire. I came back but I never dared enter."

"Look!"

 

She stepped inside the great room where the grand piano was still waiting. She pushed a couple of dusty keys to play a chord but winced when she heard the raspy sound of the instrument.

"Ouch... out of tune."

 

Everything was here... it was so strange! It was like opening a door to the past. The huge boat model was still behind the sofa, the stuffed animal heads were proudly hanging on the walls... the books... the logs next to the fireplace...

 

Misha stepped near that same fireplace to admire the huge wooden bear that Lily's grandfather carved.

"I need that thing in my house."

"Sure. Take what you want. It's heavy though... and we can't bring that in the plane!"

"Yeah... We'll have to come back with Sasha and Darius...and a truck."

"That should be fun."

 

He took something that looked like a tiny guitar case.

"I think I found your first violin!"

"Oh god... Open it!"

 

He did so and her face lightened with a huge happy smile that reached her eyes. It still smelled as good as she remembered.

"So many memories... It's so small!"

 

Misha left the room to explore further in the house while she placed the violin back in its case.

 

"And I think I know why nobody could come up to get us out by the stairs..."

She heard Misha and ran to see what he was talking about. The first half of the wooden staircase was intact, but the top of it burnt, and the ceiling of the second floor collapsed on the lower floor, blocking the path.

 

"I'm gonna climb."

"Uh no. You won't."

"Watch me. I need to see your room."

"Misha no! It's destroyed! You're gonna hurt yourself! The floor won't hold!"

 

He ignored her, placed a table near the stairs, jumped on it and clambered to reach the next level.

"Misha! Please!"

He heard the fear in her voice so he looked down at her through the hole in the broken ceiling.

"I'll be fine. Stay here. If I see it's too dangerous I won't go."

He disappeared into the next floor's mess, and when she couldn't hear his footsteps anymore, she understood he was near the tower entrance, so she ran outside through the back patio and looked if she could see him from here.

 

"Misha?" She called worried.

 

He didn't answer, and she hated the sensation of helplessness she felt. The same feeling she had when he was half dead in her arms.

 

Misha knew she was worried so he should say something, but he just couldn't talk.

He made it to what was left of her old room and was so shocked that he just stood here speechless.

 

The ceiling and the roof were gone, half of it crashed on the floor, and half of the floor crashed down on the lower level, blocking the stairs.

Everything burnt... The walls were black, all the furniture were ashes except the metal frame of Lily's bed.

That same bed they used to share in secret... They were right on that bed's foot the night of the fire. Nothing was left... nothing... but they made it. He made it without a damn scratch thanks to her.

He stared at the spot they were when they lost consciousness, and saw a huge pile of wreckage that probably fell from the ceiling too... burning her back.

 

"MISHA!!!"

 

Still no answer... Was she supposed to go in there? She didn't hear any crash sound but she was now biting her nails. Should she call someone for help?

 

Misha broke down crying on the floor, realizing how close to death they stepped. When he calmed down a little, he took his phone out of his pocket and took some pictures of the room.

 

" _MISHA IF YOU DON'T ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW I'M COMING TO GET YOU! DON'T YOU DARE DO_ _THAT TO ME AGAIN_!"

"I'm going down! I'm fine!" He finally managed to reply after he cleared his throat.

 

_Thank god!_

 

She waited in the backyard near the fountain and the well, and ran towards him when she saw him getting out of the house.

 

She didn't care how dirty, dusty and smelly he was, she ran into him and slammed her arms around his neck, holding him tight.

He did the same, circling her waist with his arms.

"Why didn't you answer right away? You scared the shit out of me!"

 

She wasn't lying, he could feel her body shaking. He lifted her and sat her on the edge of the condemned well, took his phone out of his pocket to show her the pictures of her old bedroom.

 

She took the phone from his hands and observed.

“Oh my god...” She whispered.

“Where would I be today if you hadn't saved me that night? How would I look now if you hadn't laid on top of me with your blanket?”

 

A silent tear fell down her face and Misha brushed it with his thumb.

“Thank you, Lily. I really wish I was the one with the scar today, I really wish I could've protected you from this... but thank you.”

 

She didn't say anything, she just leaned her head into the hand he still had on her cheek and closed her eyes, and another tear fell.

 

Misha kissed her forehead. When he pulled back, her eyes were still closed, so he kissed her left cheek. She still didn't move, so he gently brushed his lips against hers. He looked at her to see any reaction, and he saw that her eyes was shut tighter, a pained expression on her face.

 

He leaned forward and crashed his lips on hers one more time, insisting because he just needed her to kiss him back. He opened his mouth a little, and she finally did the same, kissing him slowly and desperately. Her hands raised to his hair, just as she liked to do when they were young, and Misha put his hands on her hips, squeezing gently.

 

He pushed his tongue inside of her mouth and he heard a soft moan coming from her. That was delightful. He had forgotten how she tasted like, and now that he had tasted it back, he didn't think he could get enough of it, he didn't think he could stop.

 

So she was the one who broke the kiss.

“We can't do that.” she whispered, resting her forehead against his.

“Why? It feels right to me.”

“Because you're m-”

“I know! It doesn't matter!” It sounded harsher than he'd wanted to. She just didn't understand...

 

She jumped down the well and walked back toward the house.

“It does.”

He sighed and rubbed his face in his hands in frustration.

 

“You coming? I think we should go see our tree.”

 

They didn't stop by the barns or the orchard. They were too eager to go back to their favorite spot at the pond. When they arrived near the willow tree, the sky began to be menacing, it would rain soon so they had to hurry.

 

“So... are you still flexible, Mr Collins? Can you still climb on it? I sure can!”

She didn't wait for him and jumped to climb on the first branch, the same one they always shared since they were kids when they wanted to talk and share secrets, away from their families.

 

“I'm impressed!”

He did the same and joined her, sitting on the huge branch next to her. She was sitting too, her back leaning against the trunk.

 

“See? Who says we're old?”

“My son does.”

She giggled and looked at the water behind them.

“Remember when we used to jump from here?”

“Of course.”

“Ew, the water is so gross now! Katie was right I wouldn't swim in it for a m-”

“I love you.”

 

She froze and stared at him.

Okay... no panic, this is normal, they were in the place they shared for many years, surrounded by memories, good and bad, they were here to move on, so his reaction was normal. No big deal. They were friends after all, so yeah... of course they loved each other.

 

“I... I do too, Misha. You know that.”

He scoffed and shook his head.

“Nice try, Lily. You know perfectly what I mean.”

 

She sighed deeply, swallowing the heavy lump in her throat. She wouldn't even look at him.

“We're here because we wanted to turn that page... and you just say that to me like it's no big deal...”

 

He took her hand.

“I really came here in order to move on... But I realize now that it's not possible for me. I don't want to move on anymore. I want you back.”

 

Her jaw twitched.

“This is PTSD... You saw the house and the burnt room and it brought memories back, so now you think you have these feelings back too, but you don't.”

“Okay, Doctor Freud... just look at me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel the same and I'll move on. Tell me you don't love me.”

 

She frowned and made eye contact. It was painfully similar to what happened in Rome and she personally hated it. She already broke up with him, it was enough.

 

“You're being ridiculous! Come on, Misha!”

“I'm waiting...”

“Fine! Just keep in mind _you_ asked for it!” She cleared her throat and looked directly into his blue eyes, her hand still in his.

“I don't love you anymore. Not like that.”

 

He expected everything but this...

“You're lying.”

“I'm really not.”

“Why are you crying then?”

 

Oh damn, she didn't even notice her tears!

 

“Because... I never thought I would say that one day, and I hate to hurt you. I love you as my friend... but I'm not in love with you anymore. I moved on, and it's your turn now. You owe it to your family. I won't be the one destroying what you've built. I just can't... I'm sorry.”

 

Misha looked down at the water. Sadness was written all over his face, and she hated herself at this moment. He jumped down the tree, took her bag and walked toward the cottage at the other side of the path, where he used to live.

“Alright, one more stop and we can leave this place.”

 

She didn't move from the branch... she just stayed up here like an idiot and silently sobbed in her hands. When she looked up, he was far already, he almost made it to the small house. He probably needed to be alone.

 

She waited a few more minutes, trying to compose herself, and she finally jumped down the tree to head toward the cottage. She didn't even have the time to reach it when she saw Misha coming back already. She tried to read his expression but she couldn't.

 

“Misha... are you okay?”

“No... But it's only PTSD, right? I saw what I needed to. Let's go back to the hotel, I'm hungry.”

 

_Fuck!_

She thought she couldn't hate herself more but she was wrong!

 

They reached the car and drove back to the hotel in total silence. They didn't even share a single word. She wanted to say something, but what could she really say to him after what she just did?

 


	15. SKIN TO SKIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long for me to update this story. You know what it is... Work, Christmas and everything.
> 
> But here it is! I hope you enjoy it and I wish you a merry Christmas !

After they entered the hotel room, still without a word, Lily fell down on her bed, feeling exhausted. It wasn't late, but all those emotions drained her, and she still felt extremely guilty to see Misha so upset.  
The atmosphere in the room was heavy and cold, but Misha broke the silence with his low voice.

"I'll be back soon."  
She looked up to see him leave the room, probably to go get something to eat.  
She Just hated everything about herself right now... But she had to do it... right? She didn't even know exactly how she really felt about him. They were in love when they were young, that's for sure, but now? Everything had changed. Nothing could be the same anymore, and obviously he didn't want to face it.

She did what she always did when she wasn't feeling good: Call Katie. She just hoped she wasn't too busy rehearsing.

"Heyyy! what's up Lily-bee?" She picked up right away and just hearing her high and raspy voice made Lily feel better.  
"Hey Kat! You seem good! Where are you?"  
"In the cafeteria at work, with David who says hi! Are you with Misha?"  
"Not right now, he uuh... He went to get some food."

Even through the phone, she couldn't fool Katie who immediately heard something was wrong.

"Is everything okay? You sound weird."  
"Yeah don't worry, we just kinda had what you could call a... disagreement?"  
"Again? Let me guess: He doesn't want you to sell the estates."  
Lily cleared her throat. “He actually doesn't. You're good!”

That happened yesterday, but she actually were glad that she had an excuse not to talk about what really happened.  
At that moment, she thought about something else that changed between her and Misha: they were fighting a lot more. Of course they had fights too when they were teens, but it was rare, and pretty much everytime about something really stupid. But now, they seem to disagree about everything, and it just proved how much they've changed and nothing could be the same.

“Ah ah, I knew it! He's a sentimental and he keeps tearing up when he talks about his childhood, I knew he would try to make you change your mind about selling. Did he actually succeed?”  
“No, he didn't. I will definitely sell whether he likes it or not. It's not his decision. It won't be easy for me either, but I have to.”  
“Lily... Do you realize how much money those properties must be worth?”

Katie had a point... The Litchfield mansion was huge and well preserved even if it needed to be freshen up a little, and the farm was even bigger and still workable despite the half burnt residence that should be fixed.  
“Probably a few... millions...” Lily pointed out.

Money had never been a problem for her, as far as she could remember, her grandfather and father did such a great job with the farm that they had more than enough and they were privileged enough to help other people, but hearing herself saying “millions” was kind of a shock for her anyway, so she just decided to laugh about it for now.

“I'll buy you a boat.” She chuckled.  
Katie scoffed. “God... I won't even start to tell you how much you'll be able to do with that kind of money, I guess you already know.”  
“Yeah, don't bother. So... Can we please change the subject for something... lighter?”  
She was beginning to feel really uncomfortable and that was not why she called Katie in the first place, she needed to be cheered up.

“Alright, alright. Hey umm... Have you checked Twitter since the convention?”  
Okay... Twitter was definitely a lighter subject, but she had a very bad feeling when she heard the tone in Katie's voice.  
“No. Should I?”  
“You know, you should uuh... you should probably change it and make it more... private.”  
“Why? What's going on?”  
“Well... you know how Supernatural fans are about girls and everything...”

Couldn't she be more specific? No, she didn't know anything about those stuffs!  
“Just... Trust me and change it okay? You don't need to waste your time reading everything. It's worthless.”  
“Thank you! Now I'm freaking out! I'll check it later.”  
“I need to go, Lily. David's eyes are getting scary, he's been waiting for me long enough. Call me if you need to talk alright? Love ya!”  
“Wait! What-”  
Great... she hung up.

Since Misha was still out, she opened the Twitter app on her phone and checked her timeline. It didn't look that bad, some people wanted to know if it was really her they saw at the convention, some others sent her nice tweets saying they were happy Misha found her back, that they were cute together on stage, that they wanted more stories, and then some... oh...

Some people thought she was lying about her identity just to be close to the cast, she saw someone tweeting that she was just Vicki's girlfriend, but Misha wanted to hide it so he made this old friend/girlfriend story up, others simply sent insults thinking she pretended to be his friend just for his money or fame... and she also saw a tweet saying she just wanted to end his marriage because she was jealous. They sure had a lot of imagination!

Their words were very hurtful though... Attention whore... freak... gold digger...jealous bitch...

She jumped when she heard the lock on the door clicking. Misha walked inside the room, put the food on the table and saw her standing in front of the window like a statue, her phone in her hand and a very annoyed look on her face.  
“Wow, relax. I took something for you too!”

She opened her mouth like she wanted to say something, but no sound got out. She just stayed here with her mouth open, breathing heavily.

“Lily? Don't be so dramatic, I'll get over it. I'm sorry if I reacted so-”  
She raised her phone and slid her finger on the screen to show him all those tweets about her. He wasn't even surprised.

“Oh... Yeah I could've warned you that could eventually happen.”  
She felt a wave of wrath growing inside of her.  
“That's all you have to say???”

He threw the phone down on her bed.  
“Well, it's unfortunate, but it's part of my life. Some people are just really, really stupid and do that for... I don't even know what for to be honest. I just don't pay attention to them. I'd rather focus on the positive aspect of this fandom to do good things.”

Unbelievable... He talked about it like it was the most normal thing in the world. Was she overreacting? Was she just a drama queen or something?

“Oh, so I am just supposed to shut up and let people insult me in public?”  
“Well, first you're supposed to make your Twitter more secure, but yeah, just ignore them. Don't let them get to you. You have no idea how many horrors I've read about me, and even about my family, kids included.”

She sat back on her bed and rubbed her face, sighing deeply in defeat.  
“That a lot of crap for a couple of days.”  
Misha frowned.  
“Hey! I don't want you to feel bad about our trip here!”

She stared at him with wide eyes.  
“Look at us, Misha! We can't stop fighting! We disagree on everything, this is ridiculous! And now this? This whole thing is a complete disaster!”

He sat on his bed, facing her, a bit disappointed she felt that way.  
“I don't think it is.”  
“See? Again, we disagree!”

His face fell at her hurtful sarcastic tone and his voice started to raise.  
“Don't ruin this for me! I enjoy being here with you!”  
“Naturally, it's my fault again. It was a fucking bad idea in the first place and you know it! We have nothing to do here anymore, among ashes and ghosts of the past! We're not the same persons anymore, we have nothing in common, just face it Misha, and then you'll be able to move on like I did!” She almost screamed.

She sighed heavily, got up of the bed and went to the bathroom, not bothering closing the door behind her as she was just getting her stuff back to put them on her suitcase.

“What are you doing?” Misha followed her.  
“I'm going back home, where I belong. We've wasted enough time. I should be rehearsing for next weekend's concert and you should be with your family while you're free.” She spat harshly.  
“Oh, so this is your solution to every problem in your life, uh? Running away? Just like you ran to Europe? That's the only thing you can do? Very brave, Lily!”  
They were both screaming at each other now, Misha following her every move, ready to jump if she tried to escape.

She opened the dresser and picked her clothes, throwing them angrily in her suitcase without even folding them properly.  
“Shut up! Don't pretend you know me! You don't! You did, but it's over. It's fucking over, Misha, do you understand that?”  
Her voice was shaky as she started crying, not because she was sad, but because she was full of rage, trying to make him understand that all of this was useless. She had a hard time closing her suitcase, as it was a big mess inside and she was shaking from anger.

“Do what you want here, take whatever you want, I don't even care. I'll call the agency to sell the houses next week, so you better hurry.”  
She put her suitcase down and started walking toward the door, taking her jacket and phone on her way. Misha followed her, feeling everything around him crumbling.

“Lily, stop!! Wait!!”  
He ran to the door so he could reach it before her and stood on the way so she couldn't get out.  
“Get out of my way!” He didn't move.  
His jaw clenched and his nostrils flared as he stared at her angrily.  
“Make me.” His voice was dangerously calm and low now.

In her rage, Lily threw her jacket in his face but he caught it.  
“Get... the fuck... OUT... OF MY SIGHT!” She yelled, catching every object she could put her hand on and throwing them at him between her words.

Tired of her little scene, Misha stepped forward and caught her right wrist so she would stop throwing things at him. She gasped.  
“Let me go!” He caught her other wrist, roughly pulled her towards him, spun around and pinned both of her wrists above her head against the front door. She struggled, panting, so he stepped closer to press her whole body between him and the door to keep her from moving and hurt herself.

“You fucking bastard! Get the fuck away from me! Let me go, damn it!!” She screamed, feeling trapped. He got even closer and looked down at her, his face only a few inches from hers, her wrists still pinned above her head.  
“I can't...” He whispered between clenched teeth. She panted and tried to struggle even more, but he was definitely stronger so she could only writhe a little under his weight, driving him crazy.

He leaned closer and crashed his lips on hers, sucking on them before biting her lower lip, which startled her so she made a strangled noise. He took both of her wrists in his right hand as he needed the left one to grip firmly on her chin and tilted it up so she would look at him in the eyes.

“I just can't let you go, don't you understand that?” He growled before roughly kissing her once more, this time pushing his tongue inside of her mouth.

She was still panting and writhing between him and the door, but she kissed him back, biting his lower lip too. Misha slid his leg between hers and raised his knee up a little so his thigh was now pushing up right between hers, and she completely lost it when she felt the pressure between her legs. Her eyes shut down and her legs almost gave up so he had to let go of her wrists to support her, but he didn't stop. He grabbed her chin once more and tilted her head up.

“Look at me.” She heard the dominance in his voice and felt the wetness between her thighs spreading, as he laid his hand on her hips and slid it under her shirt, now biting on her neck. She gave in, unable to resist him any longer, raising her arms so he could take her shirt off completely, and she went wild when he licked on her neck, right on the spot that he knew made her weak, soon sliding his tongue lower to her chest. She moaned loudly and grinded against his thigh while she touched him everywhere, finally free from his grip. She almost ripped his shirt open, eager to feel the warmth of his skin against her chest after so long.

She couldn't stop touching him, his large shoulders, his firm chest, then she reached further and scratched his back until her hand finally reach his jean's bandwaist, and she plunged under his boxer to squeeze his ass. He groaned and reached for her jeans too, unzipping them quickly. He pulled his leg back from between hers and she whined at the loss. He stopped kissing her and stared hungrily in her eyes while he pulled her jeans down roughly. She helped him by stepping on it and freeing her legs. She was now only in her underwear and this vision made Misha even more eager.  
He pressed his body to hers and cupped her ass, raising her from the ground, and she instinctively locked her legs around his waist, her head falling back against the door in a thud when she felt his rock hard erection through his jeans. She gripped on his shoulders when he kissed her once more. The kiss was wet and full of tongues, they were just devouring each other. She rolled her hips against his jeans and they both whined at the sensation.

Misha turned around with her still hooked around him, walked to his bed and threw her on it before pulling his pants off while she was laying on her back biting her lower lip. He climbed on the bed, put his hands on her knees and spread her legs before laying down on top of her and leaving open wet kisses on her neck. He reached behind her back to unclasp her bra and she arched to help him. She let out a long and obscene moan when he closed his mouth around her right nipple and sucked hard. She scratched his back one more time and shoved her hand between their bodies, gripping his hard clothed cock to stroke it.

“Ahh!” He grunted and threw his face in the crook of her neck, biting harder, kneading one of her breast in his hand. She pulled down on his boxer, unable to wait any longer. He knelt back on the bed between her thighs to help her, and she licked and bit her lower lip, humming when she saw his thick cock finally free. Of course, Misha did the same and quickly pulled her black panties down too, before observing her body with darkening eyes.  
His hands caressed up her legs and he bent down to kiss her on the lips. He laid down on top of her and when he felt their naked bodies fully connected, as she wrapped her arms tight around his chest and her legs around his waist, his cock rubbing on her lower stomach, his mood changed, and he kissed her slower and slower, deeper and deeper, realizing he was making love to the woman he missed so much.

He could've kissed her like that forever. It was worth a million words, and he put everything he felt for her in that kiss, sucking on her soft and luscious lower lip, tasting her over and over again. He held her face in his hands and broke the kiss to stare into her green gaze. She stared back at him with shiny eyes and smiled, sliding her hands down to his lower back. She pushed a little and felt the tip of his cock on her now soaking entrance, which caused her head to fall back and her mouth to open without making a sound.

Misha sucked on her neck one more time while thrusting his hips further and entered her slowly until he was fully inside of her, causing her to dig her fingers on his back and moan. He didn't move. He just stopped everything to look at her and appreciate the exquisite feeling of her around him.

“I missed you so damn much.” He whispered.  
Her eyes reddened and she ran her fingers through his hair. She gently pushed his head down and kissed him slowly.  
“I missed you too.” She replied softly against his lips.  
Misha wiped a tear that fell from her eyes with his thumb and stroked her hair back. He gently pressed his lips to hers again and started to thrust slowly. They both stopped kissing to moan in each others mouth, as good as it felt for both of them despite the torturous slow pace of his hips. They stayed with their mouths open, breathing each other's air, while Misha sped up his pace a little and thrust harder, needing more. She moaned at every move.

“Oh... Misha... fuck!” The sounds she made were driving him crazy, so he sped up even more, knowing he wouldn't last long after twenty two years of missing her perfect body.  
She grabbed his hair with a hand, wrapping her other arm around his chest. The feeling of him inside of her was pure ecstasy. She forgot how good he felt, how thick he was, how perfectly their bodies matched. She whined and swayed her hips under him, her breasts rubbing against his chest. He could feel her hard nipples against him, her arms shaking around his neck, her warm stomach under his, her legs hooked around his waist, her walls twitching around his cock, and the feeling was almost unbearable.

“Come with me.” He purred in her ear and thrust his hips frantically, sucking her neck one more time.  
“Oohhh god... Misha... Oh fuck... yeah!” She bit her lower lip hard and held onto him even tighter, squeezing her eyes shut.

“Open your eyes, Lily...” He wanted to sink into her gaze while she came, he needed her to see him loving her.  
The feeling of him thrusting fast and hard inside of her while she was wrapped around his warm and firm body was so unbelievably good that she just wanted to close her eyes to melt in the sensation, but she fought to keep them open and look into his piercing eyes, now almost black from lust, with a hint of blue sparkling emotion.

They both dissolved into pleasure at the same time, staring at each other and screaming each other's names. She felt her walls clenching around his hard cock as his pace became unsteady and he came inside of her, and her eyes rolled back as she cried out his name one more time. He grunted and thrust a few more time, guiding her through her orgasm, and when her moans got lower, he collapsed on top of her, laying his head on her chest to catch his breath. She didn't roll to move him away from her. She needed to melt under his weight and warmth just like she used to do when they were young.

Misha had always been a cuddler, he liked to stay and lay on top of her to cuddle after sex, and apparently it didn't change. He pulled up a little, supported by his elbows on each side of her face, and he looked at her for a while without saying anything.

She opened her eyes and saw him staring at her with awe.

"What?” She whispered. A tender smile slowly grew on his face.  
“This is no PTSD... This is not because we're here... This is not nostalgia or any other crap. I love you, Lily, and I mean it. I know you're scared, but I'm not. Something... or someone, took us apart for twenty two years while we could've been happy together, and I'm done wasting time.”

She shook her head, closed her eyes and clenched her jaw.  
“Oh Misha...” she caressed his cheek and traveled to his hair. God how she loved his soft hair!

“The only thing I'm asking you right now, is to not regret this. We'll figure the rest later. Can you do that?”

Her right hand traveled softly from his shoulder to his lower back as she sank into his gaze. She knew she would regret this the second she would be away from him. She would feel terribly guilty and she would probably never be able to look at Vicki in the eyes, but right now... she was happy and complete... She felt like she was sixteen again, and she only wanted to keep him forever.

“I don't know.” She replied honestly.

And this was the exact time Vicki chose to call her husband... Misha's phone rang on the nightstand so he picked up, moving away from Lily in the process, and she sighed, feeling empty again. “Hey Vic, what's up?” Misha answered casually.

Of course, Lily's brain started to work... too much. She was currently naked in the bed of a married man and a father, who was also naked, talking to his wife on the phone right after they had unprotected sex... Nice one, Lily! And she was supposed to not regret it and not think she was a reckless slut after that? She just did what Peter did to her a few weeks ago, except it was even worse for her because she was destroying a whole family... Oh god if Rebecca knew about that... She would hate her for devastating her family. And if her mom could see her right now, she would be so ashamed of her own daughter!

She felt terrible, unable to keep listening to him being all cute while West took the phone because he was missing his daddy, so she got up, picked clean clothes in her super messy suitcase, and went to clean up in the bathroom, avoiding looking at herself in the mirror. He was still on the phone, naked in his bed, when she got out, fresh and dressed.

“I don't know yet, we'll probably go to see our old school or something.” She heard him say to Vicki.  
He looked at her and winked. She went to check her phone on the armchair near the window.

“I gotta go, Vic. Kiss Maison for me. I'll call when she wakes up.”  
He hung up and went to the bathroom to clean up too.  
While she waited for him, Lily tried to eat a bit of the chicken salad Misha brought earlier, but all she could hear were the words whore and home wrecker, resonating again and again in her mind, so she gave up eating, feeling nauseous.

When he got out of the bathroom all dressed and ready to go, she observed him, and something bothered her.

“You look like you don't feel an ounce of guilt...”  
It startled him so he leaned on the table right next to her.  
“That was fast... I thought you'd reject your guilt a little longer.”  
She sighed and closed her eyes.  
“You just fucked another woman and talked to your wife and kid right after and you act like this is totally normal when it's definitely not.”

He crossed his arms. How could he be so insouciant?  
“That's how you see it?”  
“That's exactly what it was, Misha! How blind are you?”  
“I just made love to the woman I was supposed to marry but lost tragically twenty years ago. We are lucky enough to have a second chance, Lily... I won't let that slip away from me without fighting. I tried to stop missing you, to stop loving you, to stop wanting you, but I can't, you hear me? I can't lose you twice.”

Damn it! He knew perfectly how to make her feel like jelly!

“I don't feel guilty because I know what I'm doing. I know Vicki, I'll talk to her. Then I'll figure something out depending on her reaction.”  
“Depending on her reaction??? She will fly to Seattle with her crying kids who lost their daddy, and she'll get to me and slit my throat while I sleep and expose my head to the world! And she will be RIGHT about it!"

He didn't want to, but he slammed his hand on his mouth and laughed uncontrollably.  
“Are you fucking laughing? Is this funny to you?”  
“Your reaction kinda is, yeah! Do you hear yourself? You should avoid anticipating reactions of people you don't know. I'm pretty sure I know what Vicki will do or say, and I can only tell you you're far from the truth.”  
"No. You will shut up about it and preserve what you have. She doesn't have to know does she?"  
"Yes, she has to know, first because we are honest with each other about everything, and then because it will happen again."

As appealing and exciting as it sounded in his mouth, she couldn't imagine herself being that kind of woman.  
"No, Misha. It won't happen again. Consider this a... I don't know... a closure fuck."

He grabbed her arm and forced her to stand facing him. He was still leaning on the table, so he spread his legs and pulled her towards him, then took her chin in his hand and kissed her. Oh god that mouth... She couldn't help but kiss him back, feeling her legs getting weaker and weaker. He left her mouth to look intensely into her eyes.

"It will..." He leaned to suck on her neck.  
"happen..." He traveled to her ear and tugged on her earlobe with his teeth and her eyes rolled.  
"again." He pressed her hips to his crotch and she tried to suppress a moan but failed miserably.

"That's it...I'm going to hell." She had a second of lucidity and drew back from him, sitting back on her chair.  
"Okay, you have a point, I'm weak and you and your fucking perfect body are devilish. That doesn't mean I want that."  
"Seriously? You're still gonna pretend you don't want us to be together after that? Bullshit!"  
"I don't know what I want, Misha! Actually yeah... I want us to go back in time and get out of the hospital after the fire with everyone still alive, and we would go to college and get married and be happy like we planned. Can we do that? NO! Every other scenario where I would have to share you or destroy your family is unacceptable."

"Are you done? Who said you would have to share? You're just scared, I understand that, and it's normal. I won't force you to anything, and I won't do anything before talking to Vicki. But unlike you, I know exactly what I want, I will give up only if I know for sure that you don't want it too. But for now... We should go out of this room and have some fresh air to clear our minds. How about we go to the park, then we can go have dinner somewhere, and you know what I would love to do?"  
Her face turned into a puzzled expression as she squinted her eyes.  
"I would love to check out of here and spend our last night at the farm."

She almost gasped.  
"What? There's nothing there! No water, no power... No beds!"  
"Like I care. I lived like that before, remember?"

Oh snap... Of course she remembered but she hadn't thought about it and now she felt slightly embarrassed and guilty.  
"Yeah you did but... This is different... I mean... It's wild and full of... Insects and who knows what else and..."  
He chuckled.  
"When did you become so townie? You're a countryside girl! Where did your adventurous spirit go?"  
"It burnt away."

That harsh comment hit Misha like an ice cold shower.  
"I refuse to let you become that kind of person. We're going, period."

He stood up, put his jacket on, took his suitcase and left the room to go check out at the front desk, taking her with him by the hand. Lily sighed but had no other choice but to follow him... It's gonna be a damn long night.


	16. UNDER THE STARS

 

Lily and Misha spent the afternoon at Brook Park, exploring all the places they used to hang out on, the waterfall near the wooden bridge being their favorite spot. They used to come here often during the weekend, even when the weather was not very good, sometimes with their families to enjoy a barbecue together, but most of the time just the two of them so they could fool around without being caught.

As they sat on a big flat stone in the river, Lily explained to Misha that this was where she'd read her grandmother's letter, Katie by her side. She remembered her words : Take your time... Don't do anything that doesn't feel right, and when he asked her if selling the estates felt right to her, she had to admit it didn't, but she didn't know what else to do. He promised he would help her figure it out if she needed to, suggesting a few ideas about what she could do with the houses, but she clearly wasn't convinced.

For dinner, they went to eat at their favorite restaurant. It was a small and cozy place in town, and they were amazed to see the people who owned it back then were still the same and remembered them perfectly.

That's also where they learnt that every person who knew Lily's family in town thought they all died in the fire. Mrs Jones, the old lady who cooked, even had to get out of her kitchen to check if she heard right when her daughter told her Lily and Misha were here.

“I knew I wasn't crazy! I saw you on TV once and when I said to Catherine 'it's the Krushnic boy!' she said I was crazy because you were supposed to be dead, but I knew it!”

Lily laughed quietly. She hadn't changed a bit! She always had been very straightforward and told what she thought when she thought it, which often leaded to awkward situations.

“Aw look at you, you're so handsome! And even rich now, from what I understood!” She winked at Misha.

Yeah... Just as Lily predicted... awkward. But she wasn't done, she turned to Lily and cupped her flushing face.

“I thought I would never see this pretty face again! You look so much like your mother! You haven't changed that much... except that weird hair color but whatever.”

Misha snorted and hid his mouth with his hand to not show he wanted to laugh.

“What are you doing now, Lily?” Mrs Jones sat at a table and asked them to join her, while her daughter brought them some drinks.  
“I'm a professional violinist at the Seattle Symphony Orchestra.”  
The old lady clapped her hand in excitement.  
“Oooh that's lovely! I remember you played in the school orchestra indeed! So what brings you busy heads back in our quiet little town?”

Misha was very quiet, but he really enjoyed this little reunion.  
“We're actually here to... umm... move on and maybe find some answers. What happened in 1990 is still very blurry for us.” Lily explained.

Mrs Jones was very surprised to learn that they found each other back only a few months ago.  
“Really? It didn't tilt when you saw that handsome face in your TV?”  
Lily almost sarcastically thanked her for reminding her that she wasted years with Misha because of this, but she knew the old lady meant well.  
“I don't... watch TV that much.” She replied shyly and cleared her throat.

Misha decided it was time to step in the conversation to avoid more awkwardness.  
“Any chance you could clarify a few details about the night of the fire or what happened next?”

She looked up and squinted her eyes, visibly trying to remember anything she could.  
"There was an article in the local newspaper the day after it happened. It clearly said that no one from the Hagen family survived. It was a little more vague about your family, Misha, because they didn't clearly name you, but it was obvious for the people who knew you at the time that you all passed. I still have the article if you wanna read it."

Lily glanced at him and nodded.  
“That would help us a lot, Mrs Jones. Thank you!”

The old woman asked her daughter to go get the box where she kept every articles about the people she knew (which was a lot!), and finally found what she was seeking and handed it to Lily who put it down on the table between her and Misha so he could read too.

 

NORTHFIELD : TRAGIC OUTCOME IN HAGEN'S FARM  
By Leslie Shepherd.

Fire crews have left the scene of a devastating fire in Hagen's Farm's main house. Half of the property was destroyed.  
The fire was extinguished at 6.30am after burning for roughly an hour.  
Three persons were taken to hospital to be treated for smoke inhalation and fire wounds, but saddly succumbed to their injuries later in the morning.  
The fire is not being treated as suspicious.  
We all will remember the Hagen's Family thanks to the very respected Simon Hagen who devoted his whole life to make our county a better place, especially for our children.  
His wife, Bethany, is now the last member of this beloved family, as her daughter-in-law Mary (42), granddaughter Elise (16) and grandson Ryan (6) were found dead when the fire crew arrived.

 

The article was short, but full of lies! Who the hell was so eager to see them all dead and spread that stupid rumor ruining their lives in the process?

Misha swore to her he would find out.

Reading this crap made Lily's anger grow.  
“They didn't even mention you or any member of your family!”  
Misha looked at her and couldn't hide his bitterness.  
“You were part of the respected family, we were just nobody. I'm not surprised. But I don't look so bad for someone who succumbed to my injuries in the hospital, right?”  
He took a photo of the article with his phone, knowing his mom and Sasha would want to read it too.

“I would really love to find that Leslie Shepherd to ask who she had her information from.”  
Lily had to admit she was curious too and the idea was tempting, but they were supposed to go back home the next day and probably would have no time to go to the newspaper's offices.

Mrs Jones stood up to head back to her kitchen.  
“I will help you if you need to. I was very sad to know Bethany was all alone when obviously it wasn't true.”  
Lily thanked the old woman and quickly explained what they did and where they went after the fire, and they finally ordered their meal.

They ate quickly and went to buy camping supplies before going back to the farm. Thankfully, it was late August, the days were still long, so it wasn't dark when they arrived.

Misha parked the car at the end of the road, near the wooden sign, and they were now standing on the cross path between the pond and the cottage, with their suitcases and all of their stuff.

"So... Where do you wanna sleep?" Misha asked playfully, the excitement in his voice was almost palpable.  
"I already know what you're gonna reply, but I'd say in safety inside the cottage?"

He glanced at her sideways with a smirk.  
"And what am I going to reply, smartass?"

She lowered her voice trying to imitate his sarcastic tone, puppetting her hand and lolling her head at the same time.  
"Oh come on, Lily that's the easy way, where is your adventurous side? We need to sleep in the cold night among the spiders and the rats!"

He burst out laughing at her lame imitation.  
"Bats and Raccoons too!" He mocked.  
She slapped his arm.  
"I hate ya! What other crazy plan do you propose?"

He rubbed his arm, pretending she hurt him.  
"No need for such violence! I thought we could just lay on the grass in the house's backyard or something. Or maybe near the willow tree? Like we did for your twelfth birthday, you know... back when you weren't a woosie..."  
"Oh right, I remember that night. I particularly enjoyed the snake paying me a visit in my sleeping bag. Good times!"  
His brows raised and his face lightened with a huge grin.  
"Are you sure it was a snake?"  
She frowned and innocently looked at him, confused.  
"What else could it b-"

She paused and opened her mouth wide, inhaling in shock.  
"Oh you dog! We were way too young for that!"

He laughed, crinkling his nose which accentuated his wrinkles and she couldn't help smiling back at him, thinking it was the cutest thing she'd ever seen. He had always been cute, or at least that's what she thought, but he really aged up well.

Misha started to walk towards the pond and she followed, dragging her feet.  
"Remind me to take a smaller suitcase next time!" She huffed carrying all of her stuff and pulling at her suitcase.  
"Stop complaining, we're almost there!"  
"Why did we take all of our stuff with us since we're going to sleep outside anyway?"  
"Because rule number one: Never let anything behind in a car, especially when it's a rental car."

When they arrived at the pond, Misha put his stuff down in the small waterfront cabin.  
" Right, because leaving our stuff in the nature like that is so much safer..."  
"Lily..." She heard his threatening voice and stopped settling her bags to turn around and look at him, not liking this tone too much.  
As soon as she made eye contact, he grabbed her by the hips and lifted her on his shoulder.  
"You will learn to behave."

Oh no not again!

He walked towards the small pier and she understood what he had in mind.  
"Oh my god, Misha, no! I'm sorry! I will be nice! Promise!"

He kept walking with her struggling on his shoulder, slapping his back.  
"Noooo!!! Please! I'm so so sorry! I won't complain anymore! It's gross in there!! I'll stink like rotten mud!!"

He ignored her protest and her kicks.  
"It's called nature scent. You'll fit in perfectly after that, animals won't bother you tonight.”

When he stepped on the pier, he tried to lift her to throw her in the water but she gripped tight on his shirt, almost ripping it.  
“Please noooooooo! I'll do what you want! It's full of frogs and fishes and... Oh god please no!!”  
“Yeah, and sharks. I can't be bought, no need to bargain.”

He managed to grab her wrists to keep her from clinging to him, and he finally threw her in the cold dark green and smelly water. She splashed in it in a glorious “Aaahhhh!” and Misha took his phone out while she was swimming in the surface, swiping her sticky hair out of her face and spiting water in a cough.  
That was priceless!  
He was breathless but he managed to laugh anyway.

“You're dead, Krushnic! Oh Jesus fucking Christ, it's fucking cold... and gross!”

She couldn't get out of the water by the pier that was too high, and as the water was deep where they were, she had to swim to reach for the beach and get out.

Misha was still on the pier with his phone in his hand.  
“Don't take pictures!!” she yelled.

He chuckled.  
“I'm not!”  
“I see you! Oh god you better run fast because when I get out- AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I felt something on my leg!!!”  
“It's a shark! Swim faster!” He was now giggling hysterically.

Lily ran out of the water and laid on the grass a few seconds to catch her breath, before standing up and walking towards Misha with a deadly look on her face.  
“Put that damn phone away!”  
“Say hi, you're live!”

She froze. “WHAT???”

Oh no he didn't...

“2568 people watching right now. They say hi, by the way!”

She ran next to him and tried to catch his phone, but of course he extended his arm high up to film from above, and as he was much taller, she couldn't reach it despite her jumps.  
“Alright guys, I got a situation here, I gotta go. Wish me luck. Bye!”  
Misha ended the livestream and threw his phone in his pocket.

As they were still on the pier, Lily suddenly pushed him, but he resisted and her attempt to give him the same treatment failed miserably. He ran away from the pier but she followed. She kept chasing him as they were now running up the path towards the cottage, but she forgot he was a fast runner and she soon got out of breath.

She had an idea though...

When he turned to look back at her, she pretended to fall and stayed down, trying to catch her breath. He immediately stopped in his track and ran back.  
“Lily!” He screamed, worried she might've hurt herself.

Oh Misha... SO predictable!

He crouched down when he was next to her. She sat on the grass and gave him a devilish gaze.  
“You're weak, Krushnic...”  
He understood she played him and winced.  
“And you... have a tiny frog on your shoulder.”

She jumped.  
“AAAAAAAHHH!!!! GET IT OFF!!!”  
She looked at her shoulders but saw nothing. When she turned back at Misha, he was laying down holding his stomach, laughing his ass off.

“What are you, twelve?”  
“You deserved it. I told you, you will learn to behave.”

She looked down at herself and pouted.  
“I'm wet.”  
All Misha could answer was “Mmmh...” suggestively, so she squinted at him and turned back to reach the waterfront cabin and go change.

While she was busy changing into a dry pair of jeans and a sailor shirt, Misha found the main power switch and tried to turn it on because the night was now falling fast so they'd soon be in the dark. It surprisingly worked after a few tries, and the lights around the pound and inside the cabin turned on.

“I'm impressed, MacGyver!”  
He smirked but didn't say anything, searching through the bags he brought from the store.

“I think we need a little treat now.” He triumphantly showed the marshmallow pack.  
“Oooh... sounds great. How do you plan to do that?”  
“Well... we need a fire.”

From all the stupid things he said since she knew him, it was probably the lamest.  
“You can't be serious.”  
He stopped picking up rocks from the ground to stare into her eyes.  
“Deadly.”

Was he pushing her to fight or something? She really didn't like that idea!  
“This is the stupidest idea of all time.”  
“Why? Just because you're scared?”  
She scoffed. “I'm not!”

He arranged a few rocks into a circle and put some wood and dry herbs inside before searching his bag for a lighter.  
“Yeah, you are!”

She looked around her... They were in the nature, among grass and dry herbs and trees, what could go wrong?  
“Okay maybe I am... but have you looked around you? That's a bad idea.”  
“I know what I'm doing.” He replied while crouching down.

He lighted the fire and when she saw the flames and smelled the smoke, she panicked and said the meanest, cruelest and dumbest thing ever, regretting it the second it split out of her mouth.  
“If it turns bad, I'll let you burn this time.”

Stunned, Misha stood up and looked away from the fire to stare at her and shake his head, only to see her with both her hands slapped on her mouth and her eyes wide open, a look of horror in her glassy green eyes.  
“I'm sorry... Misha...” she whispered shamefully and stepped closer to him. “I didn't mean that.”

It was so awful and she felt so bad when she saw the pain on his face that the tears she tried to hold back suddenly burst forth like water from a dam, running down her face. She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tight, hands clutching at his shirt, burring her face in his chest and talking between loud sobs, barely able to form words.  
“Misha, I'm s-so s-sorry... I d-don't know w-what-...”

Misha sighed and closed his eyes, his chin resting on top of her head. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and shushed her.  
“I know. It's fine, Lily.”  
He slowly rocked her as her tears were soaking his shirt, and it soothed her immediately. She felt a bit better, feeling the warmth of his muscular chest and hearing his steady heartbeat and breath.

He pulled back just enough to take her chin in his right hand and lift it up so she could look at him, not breaking their embrace. His heart broke a little when he saw her crumpled face all wet from her tears. He could see how heavy the load of fear and guilt was in her reddened eyes.

He leaned down his head and left a quick but very soft kiss on her lips. She shut her eyes tight and leaned to kiss him back desperately, deepening it a little while cupping his face between her shaky hands.  
She broke the kiss and sank into his blue eyes.  
“I'm a monster.” She whispered holding his gaze.

He sniffed and smirked.  
“I'll call you Nessy then... you sure smell like it.”

She had forgotten she was bathing in the smelly pond just a few minutes ago. She pulled back from his embrace very fast to smell her arm skin.  
“Damn! I'll be back...”  
She ran to the cabin and searched for the wipes she luckily carried everywhere, and after using almost all of them, she finally smelled better and went back to the beach where Misha was sitting next to the fire.

She sat next to him and stared at the fire, the yellow flames reflecting in her eyes.  
“Mmh now you smell like... Maison's ass when I just changed her diaper.”  
She snorted and took a stick to grill her first marshmallow.  
“Why did you call your daughter Maison?” She asked while eating her candy.  
“Because she will always feel like home to me.”  
“Aw, that's cute!”  
“Her middle name is Mary. To remind me of my first home...”

She stopped chewing to look at him. She couldn't believe he considered her mom's house like his first home... He was already a teenager when he moved in and he traveled a lot, but it was just hard to think he never considered any place like home before that time. She shook that thought from her head quickly before she could be overwhelmed by emotion. She had cried enough for the day.

“Why West then?”  
“That I don't know... It just sounded great to us and we weren't inspired... Well, we had an original idea but it sounded too weird and I had sort of a bad experience with strange names so we kept it for his middle name.”

We...  
She couldn't help the sting in her heart when he was talking about his family with such tenderness.  
“What's his middle name?”  
“Anaximander.”

Silence.  
They could only hear the fire cracking and the crickets chirping.

Misha turned to glance at her with a smirk, proud of himself.  
“That's... uncommon.” She cleared her throat.  
“That's the point. He was a Greek Philosopher that Vicki, being the nerdy smartass that she is, liked a lot, and I found the name funny so we went with it.”  
“Okay... Why not. At least there are good chances that he will forever be unique.” She chuckled.  
“He still hadn't forgotten you promised to teach him how to play the piano by the way.”  
She smiled, chewing on her second marshmallow.  
“I will... I just hope he's more patient than you were!”  
“Hey! I was the perfect student! I still can play the letter for Elise you know, I'm not completely rusted.”

Right... She taught him how to play the Beethoven piece when they were fourteen. He heard her play it once, on the grand piano in her grandma's house, and he liked it a lot. When he asked her what it was called and she told him it was named like her, he immediately wanted to learn how to play it for her.  
That was Misha... always full of cute little attentions for her. How can you not fall for someone like that when you're an innocent and romantic teenage girl dreaming of true love?

“I'd be curious to hear that.” She gave him a sweet smile and he nodded.  
“So... Talking about kids... You never wanted to be a mother?”

He had a gift to ask for the most embarrassing questions...  
She sighed and glanced at her feet.  
"I did once... When it became serious with Peter."

He frowned, his features twisting in something that almost looked like disgust.  
“Really? With him?”  
She gave him her biggest bitchface.  
“He was good with me and we loved each other. We made a lot of plans. I just didn't... I never imagined he could be so stupid. Love is blind, obviously.”

Misha looked down at the fire. It was his turn to feel the sting in his heart now.  
“Well it's a good thing you had no children then... Didn't he want that too?”  
“Yes, he did. We tried but... I can't have kids.”  
"You can't?"  
"No. When it didn't work, we went to the doctor and they found something wrong with me. Probably due to a shock or a surgical procedure in my childhood. They say I have like... 2% chances of conceiving. So basically none."

He didn't know how to react. There was a time when he hesitated to have kids, but knowing the possibility was there was still reassuring somehow. Now that his kids were born, he couldn't imagine what it must feel like to know this could never happen, especially for a woman.

"How do you feel about that?"  
She smiled weakly but it didn't reach her eyes.  
"I'm... sort of okay with it. It was hard at first but I got over it, especially now that Peter is gone. Everything happens for a reason... I'm probably not shaped to be a good mom."

Misha clenched his teeth. He could see she was bitter, but what she just said was unacceptable for him.  
"You're the granddaughter of Simon Hagen and the daughter of Mary... You definitely have the perfect parent gene. If it happened for a reason, it's because he is not shaped to be a good dad."

She giggled bitterly. "I guess I'll buy a cat then!"  
"Do you still love him?" He asked, suddenly very serious.  
She frowned.  
"I'm... not sure. My feelings are a bit messy those days.”  
“You think?” He scoffed.

She suddenly remembered the night she spent with Peter not so long ago and couldn't look at Misha in the eyes anymore.  
“Plus who cares? I can't forget nor forgive what he did to me... And yet look at me... I did the same to Vicki." Her eyes reddened and she looked down, once more feeling mortified.

Misha observed her sadly.  
“Don't do that to me, Lily.”  
She looked up to him and made eye contact, wondering what he was talking about.

“Don't push me away just because you're scared of what you fear could happen with my family.”  
“How can I live with myself knowing I'm destroying it? How can I look myself in a mirror after that, Misha? Why is it so hard for you to understand? I don't want you to lose more than you already have!”

He took a deep breath.  
“If I wasn't married, would you consider resuming our relationship? Would you still want the things we wanted when we were sixteen? Would you surrender and stop running away?”  
He took her hand and waited patiently for her answer, focusing on the orange glow in her eyes from the dying fire.

“You don't build anything with ifs.” She replied in a whisper.  
“Answer the question. Please.”  
He wouldn't give up this time, he needed answers, he needed to be sure she wanted the same as he did.  
She hesitated but held his pleading gaze.  
“Yes, probably.” She swallowed. “But-”  
“No ifs and buts.” He interrupted harshly. He had his answer, it was all he needed to hear. She still loved him, he knew that, he could feel it, and one day she would say it back again.

He suddenly stood up and stepped on the fire.  
“Geez, Misha! What the fuck?” She screamed, jumping from her spot and grabbed his arm to pull him away from it.  
“We're out of marshmallows, we don't need the fire anymore. Or maybe you would prefer to let it burn all night and expend on the whole land?” He raised his eyebrow, amused by her unjustified fear.  
“Oh... right. Sorry. Bad reflex.” She let go of his arm, happy that the dark night was hiding her blushing cheeks.

Misha walked towards the cabin and grabbed the sleeping bags, blankets and pillows.  
“Time to settle for the night!”  
He walked around the pond and through the bridge to reach the place where the willow tree was proudly standing, put one blanket on the ground, the two sleeping bags on it, settled the pillows against the trunk of the tree, one more blanket on top, and turned to look at Lily.  
“Doesn't it look comfy?”

She had to admit it didn't look bad.  
“Let's try it then.” She said laying down and leaning against the pillow.  
“It is pretty comfy!”  
Misha smiled and did the same, and they were soon silently lying at the foot of the tree next to each other. It was dark, but the floor lamp near the bridge gave them a weak glow so it wasn't too spooky. They could hear the frogs croaking near the water and the soft breath of the wind in the falling leaves of the willow tree above them. They were so thick that they could barely see the stars.

Misha rolled on his side and put his hand under his face to support him.  
“Let's play.”  
She chuckled.  
“Aren't we a little old for this?”  
“Never! There are still tons of things we don't know about each other. So... I'm gonna ask you a question, and then you answer and ask me one and so on, until we fall asleep, because I wanna know everything.”  
“Oh god we really are sixteen again! Alright... Shoot.”

He decided to start easy, focusing first on what he didn't know anything about: her job.  
“What's your favorite piece of music to play?”  
“Oww, hard to pick only one!” She wined looking at the sky.  
“Try!”  
“Okay, let me think...” She thought about it a moment, trying to look for a piece she could play forever without being tired of it.  
“Umm, I'd say Bohemian Rhapsody.”  
“Nice choice! I didn't even know you could play that with an orchestra to be honest.”  
“Oh God shame on you, it means I really need to take you with me to hear a few concerts.”  
“Anytime.” Misha replied with a huge smile lightening his face.

Lily played with a lock of her hair while she thought about her question.  
“My turn! I'll go for the same kind of question: What's your favorite episode of Supernatural you played in?”  
That was an easy one for Misha, good thing about being away for conventions was that he was pretty much ready for about every questions she could ask.  
“The French Mistake. Because we all got to make fun of ourselves and it was hilarious. You'll have to watch it to understand what I'm talking about though.”  
“Yeah, I will eventually have to buy a TV.” Lily laughed which gave Misha the time to ask another one.

“Next question: How many serious relationships did you have ?”  
Oh boy... that was awfully direct.  
“Uuuh... It's kinda hard to tell.”  
Misha sat up straight, his eyes popping out.  
“THAT many???”  
Lily raised both hands.  
“Nooo, no! Who do you think I am? I mean it depends on when you consider a relationship is becoming serious you know... I don't...” She sighed in defeat, not bothering finishing her sentence.

“Hey! Don't wimp out! I'm not judging. Promise.” He encouraged her, being very curious now.  
“Alright, alright... I'd say... Two?”  
That was kind of a surprise, he expected way more than this considering she wasn't married.  
“Only two? Including me?”  
“Well... yeah. Why? Do you think I wanna marry every guy I meet or what?”  
“Geez I hope not. So me and... Peter? Is that it?”  
“Hey that's way more than one question, you're cheating! Why do you wanna know anyway?”

Misha had actually tons of questions about everything that happened to her, but he couldn't ask everything in one night, could he?  
“I don't know, I'm just curious I guess. I'm married for years and you're not so... since we're the same age I just imagined you had more than two serious relationships in your life, that's all.”  
“Well you were wrong. It's rare enough to find someone you love and trust to spend your entire life with, even more rare to find a second one, I guess that's it for me, at least for this life.” Lily laughed nervously, staring down at her hands.  
“What about the non-serious relationships then?”  
“You're asking way to many questions, I think this is my turn, Mr Collins.”

She had a strange way to insist on his name everytime she said it, it almost sounded like she didn't like it.  
“Alright, but don't think you're out with this one.”  
Lily cleared her throat.  
“Do you have any regret?”  
Misha scoffed and shook his head.  
“I always say you can't have regrets, you have to learn from your mistakes, but yeah... I regret filming Karla, I regret insisting with my mom to go to the beach instead of going back here earlier to give your grandpa his Christmas presents when he was still alive, I often regret Castiel's voice but that's my bad... I regret we didn't go to sleep on the beach on June 29th 1990 like I wanted to...”

June 29th 1990... The night of the fire. She completely forgot about that. Misha wanted to sneak out of the farm that night and go to the park's beach with Lily to celebrate the beginning of the summer holidays.  
But Lily thought it was too cold and she preferred the coziness of her bedroom so she insisted to stay. She told him they could go another night, but fate decided otherwise.

She turned on her side to face him as he stopped talking for a while, lost in his memories.  
“I'm not blaming you for anything, just to be clear.” Misha pointed out.  
“I know. But where would we be today if it never happened? What would've happened in the morning when I would've come home to see a burnt house and my family dead because I left to have a good time with my boyfriend? Would we still be together? Would you be an actor today? Would you be happy and famous and loved by thousands of people?”  
“We will never know. But if I'd have to chose between you and my career, Castiel would certainly not have my face today.”

That was a touching answer and a very emotional moment... until Lily heard something moving in the high herbs behinds them and froze. She gripped on Misha's forearm.  
“Did you hear that?”

He did, but it was probably the wind, or maybe a harmless rodent and frankly, he didn't care. Lily looked at the direction of the noise and winced.  
“I'm sure there's someone.”  
“Seriously? Who would be here in the middle of the night, Lily? Just ignore it.”  
“I don't know but... I saw a shadow moving...”  
“Oh it's probably a ghost then. You can relax, I have salt.”

She looked at him confused.  
“Salt?”  
He chuckled.  
“Don't worry about it. I work too much. Just come here and ignore the noises, it's just the wind, really.”  
He extended his right arm and offered her to snuggle against him. She hesitated a few seconds, but when she saw he wouldn't pull his arm back, she gave in and laid against him, her head on his chest and her left arm on his waist. He wrapped his arm around her and stroked her hair away from her face gently.

She shivered against him, feeling the warmth of his body contrasting with the chill of the night, and he groaned weakly when she squirmed, enjoying her proximity a little too much.  
“Lily... if you keep doing that I will have a serious manly problem...”

She froze a second but looked up to him before sitting up and getting inside the sleeping bag.  
“Sorry.”  
He did the same, sensing they would fall asleep soon, and they moved back to their snugly position right after.

Misha sighed. It was so pleasant to lay under the tree with her again, under the stars.  
“Can we just stay like this forever?” He whispered.  
She smiled weakly.  
“I wish.”

He leaned his head a little to softly kiss the top of her forehead.  
“I don't even want to think about what life would be without you again. I don't know how I survived.”  
She closed her eyes, melting in his words. She just looked up and gave him a faint smile before tenderly kissing his cheek. Her whole body and soul wanted to say 'I love you' at that moment, but she couldn't resolve herself to say it. She had no right.  
“Goodnight, Misha.”  
She fell asleep in his arms one more time.


	17. GOODBYE

Misha opened his heavy eyes when he felt the first warm ray of sun hitting his face.

He felt Lily's body pressed against him and smiled looking down at her, snuggled on his chest, one arm around his waist. They haven't even moved a bit the whole night. He could feel her steady but weak breath. It was so peaceful!  
He didn't move, afraid it would wake her up and break this perfect moment.

When the sun rose higher in the sky and hit her face through the willow tree leaves, she hummed and writhed lazily.  
“Morning.” Misha breathed.

She opened her eyes, turned her sleepy face to look up at him and smiled faintly.  
“Morning.”  
“Seems like you survived a night out in the wild among the beasts after all.”  
She laughed weakly. “Yeah, you were right I guess.”

She didn't jump when she realized she slept in his arms this time... It felt too good, and as she knew it was their last day together here, she thought she could allow herself a little selfishness and enjoy being with him as mush as she could before going back to reality.

“What time is it?” She asked.  
Misha sank the arm that wasn't around her in his pocket to reach his phone.  
“Almost 6 am.”

She whined “I don't wanna move.”  
“Don't. I'm not complaining.”  
“When was the last time we did this?”  
“Without you bumping your head? I'd say June 28th 1990. Except we probably had morning sex right after waking up.”

She chuckled and absentmindedly stared at her hand laying on his chest, her fingers slightly playing with the button of his shirt. He was probably right.  
“Yeah... That can't happen anymore though.”

He thought she was wrong, but he didn't say anything. He didn't want to fight on their last day and go back home with a bad feeling.

Lily's mind started to wander, and she suddenly remembered the day they both realized they were more than friends. She had just turned fourteen. It took them by surprise on a summer holiday afternoon.

 

**********************************************

July 1988 – Brook Park, Litchfield CT.

 

It was a hot day, so the whole family decided to go spend the afternoon in Brooke Park.

Mary and Rebecca were lazily sun bathing and chatting on their chairs near the river, while Sasha was trying to teach Ryan how to play football.

It was so hot that Lily just wanted to go in the water to cool off, and Misha followed.

“Do you think they will stop being glued to each other one day?” Mary asked her friend.  
Rebecca laughed and looked in their direction, smiling at the huge grin she saw on her son's face.  
“I certainly hope not. Look at them.”

Mary nodded, noticing the same happy smile on her daughter's face.  
“Don't swim where the water is too deep honey, currents are dangerous!” Mary warned.  
“Yes, mom!” Lily rolled her eyes while taking her shirt and shorts off, revealing her black fringed bikini. She had warned her hundreds of times already.

Misha just took his shirt off and stepped in the water in his tan shorts, offering his hand to Lily so she wouldn't slip on the wet rocks.  
“God it's cold!” She hissed when the water hit her upper thighs.  
“There is a solution to solve that problem quickly...”  
“Oh? What is-”

She didn't have the time to finish her question, Misha jumped and pushed her shoulders down, making her knees weak and she sank into the water with a scream, only to reappear a few seconds later, spiting water at his face.

“Misha!!!” They heard Rebecca yelling. “Cold water syncope!”

It was his time to roll his eyes and snort. That was just a legend parents always said to their children so they would be more careful, right?  
Lily was now floating in the surface, only her head was showing. She reached for his hand underwater, a devious look on her face.  
“What do you say we swim away from those two party poopers?”  
“No need to ask me twice.” He smiled.

They swam further, under the wooden bridge, and reached for the quiet and out of view flat rock near the waterfall they found a few weeks earlier.  
Misha jumped out of the water and took Lily's hand to help her sit on the rock with him.  
They laid down next to each other, catching their breath and enjoying the warm sun drying their skin.

That's when Lily saw Misha staring at her tanned body, glowing with water drops from the river. She had goosebumps because of the soft wind blowing, making her shiver. She noticed he was particularly interested in her breasts that were not that plump last time they came to swim here the previous year. Her hard nipples showing through her bra probably didn't help either.

“Seeing something you like, Krushnic?”

Misha blushed, not realizing he was staring, so he cleared his throat and looked away.  
“Sorry.”

She laughed heartedly.  
“It's okay. So... I wanted to ask you, I'm supposed to go to the beach at the end of the month with a few boring friends from school, and I really want you to come with me. It will be no fun at all without you and I would hate to leave you behind with the two little brats.”

He looked down, sadness appearing on his face.  
“I won't be here anymore at the end of the month, Lily. We're moving in three weeks... Mom wants to go to the West coast.”

She sat up slowly. And he followed her up, folding his legs and resting his elbows on his knees.  
“And when exactly did you plan to tell me you are moving to the opposite of the continent?” She asked in a low shaky voice.  
“I don't know. I hoped mom would change her mind and we'd stay longer.”  
“Why the West Coast? Why not back in Massachusetts as she always does? At least it's not too far so we can still see each other on the weekend!”  
“She met someone and...” he sighed in defeat “I'm sorry, I should've told you earlier but I hate the idea of leaving again. I really love living at your place and helping with the farm.”

She stood up and knelt behind him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders.  
“I don't want you to leave again... how long?” She whispered.

He gently grabbed one of her wrists and stroked her hand. He could feel her wet and cold body convulsing from her quiet sobs against his back. She laid her head on the crook of his neck, her long wet hair falling on his chest.  
“I don't know yet. I don't want to leave either.”

He brushed his other hand through her hair, turned his head and kissed her forehead softly.  
“I'll sure miss you.”

She rested her chin on his shoulder, her arms still circling his upper chest, and she suddenly leaned forward and shyly put her lips on his.  
She didn't know why she did it, she never thought about it before, but it was like an invisible force pushing her towards him.

He was startled, but didn't pull back. The feeling of her soft pink lips on his was too good to break it. He clenched the fingers of the hand that he still had in her hair at the back of her head, gripping it in a fist and pushing gently so the pressure of her lips would grow.

No one moved their lips at first, but when Misha saw her eyes shut and felt her hands running lower to rest on his waist, he instinctively opened his mouth and sucked on her sweet lips, tasting them and freeing them a few seconds later with a cute popping sound.

And she didn't protest... so he did it again... and again, until she opened her mouth too, imitating him clumsily. She pulled back, stood up without a word to step in front of him, and when she was standing before him between his folded legs, she knelt down to be at eye level, and she crashed her lips on his once more, wrapping her arms around his neck.

They sucked on each other's lips, their eyes closed. Misha laid his hands on her waist and started caressing her wet skin up to her rib cage, but he had to stop when she breathed heavily inside of his mouth and squirmed under his ticklish touch, his body reacting in a way he couldn't quite handle yet in front of her.

“Lily, stop.” He breathed against her lips.  
She immediately drew back and looked at him confused, almost hurt.  
“Sorry, I thought you liked it and-”  
“Yeah...” He chuckled. “I liked it a little too much, I guess. I need a cold swim now.”

He stood up fast and dove in the river, waiting for her to do the same.  
She observed him, not really understanding what just happened.

“You coming?” He called.

She smiled at him and dove in the water too, and they swam back to their families.

That day, they both realized it would be very painful for them to be apart from each other from now on, and that their friendship turned into something more than they thought it was.

 

**********************************************

 

“Misha?”  
“Mmm?” He was still laying with his eyes closed, enjoying the early morning sun with Lily on his chest.  
“You remember our first kiss at the river?”  
He pictured the scene in his mind and opened his eyes to look down at her.  
“Of course I do. Why do you ask?”  
“Was it your very first kiss?”  
“No. But it was the first that meant something. Was it your first?”  
She smiled.  
“Yes. Told you I was innocent.”

She heard his chuckles resonating in his chest, making her head bounce.

“Our last wasn't that bad either.” She admitted.  
Misha frowned, remembering the last kiss they shared was just the day before, after they had sex in their hotel room.  
“Last?”  
“Yes, don't tell me you forgot already I won't believe you.”

He suddenly rolled to his side and laid Lily on her back, crashing his lips on hers. She let out a low surprised gasp but melted when he tilted his head to slowly deepen the kiss, running his hand through her hair before breaking it without moving too far away from her face.

“It wasn't the last.” he breathed firmly near her mouth.

Her mouth stayed opened in shock.  
“Okay well this one was, then.”

When she saw the mischievous smirk growing on his face, she knew he would try to kiss her again to prove her wrong, so she turned her head laughing, and his lips landed on her jaw... he whined and bit her jaw bone, went further down to bite her neck... and he laced his fingers with hers and pinned her hands above her head, sucking on her neck.

“Misha...”  
It was supposed to be a protestation so he would stop, but it felt so good that it got out of her mouth as a whimper, provoking the opposite reaction.

No... It can't happen again.

She wanted to push him away from her but her hands was still firmly pinned above her head.

“Misha, stop. Please.”

He immediately stopped and looked at her, letting her hands go.  
“We can't.”

He got out of his sleeping bag to sit on it.  
“If you say 'you're married' one more time, I'm definitely gonna throw you in the pond again.”

She got out too and smoothed her clothes down.  
“I won't say it then.”

“HEY! What are you two doing here?”  
They both looked behind them, searching for the voice who was calling. They stood up when they spotted the police officer walking towards them.  
“It's a private property, you have no right to be here.”  
“Actually we have, officer, I own the place. Lily said smiling and extending her hand to him. “Lily Hagen.”  
He shook her hand politely but his expression was still unfriendly, probably because he was suspicious.  
“Oh really... Sorry to contradict but the family who owned this place died a long time ago, Miss.”  
“With all due respect Sir, I insist. I'm Bettany Hagen's granddaughter.”  
“I'll have to check that, if you don't mind.” He turned to look at Misha from head to toe.  
“And you are?”  
“A friend. Misha.” He simply replied and offered his hand too.

Lily went to the cabin to get her ID in her bag, letting the two men together near the willow tree.

“You come here often?” Misha asked a little suspicious. “Is that why this place is still so well preserved after twenty two years without anybody living in it?”  
Lily quickly walked back and handed her ID to the officer who checked it.  
“Yeah, your neighbor asked the boss to keep this place out of trouble, so we check at least once a week.”

Lily tilted.  
“Mr Adams? The guy who owns the farm at the end of the road?”  
“Yes, you know him?”  
“Well... not so much but his son went to school with my little brother and as he lived right next to us we crossed each other's path from time to time.”

The officer was much more friendly now and he even chuckled.  
“Yeah... I'm actually the son you're talking about.” He winked at her.

Lily's face lightened and her mouth dropped.  
“Oh my god! Sorry I didn't recognize you!”  
“It's okay, I've changed a lot, it was so long ago. Why are you here? Are you planning to restore the farm and make it work again?”

Lily opened her mouth to answer but Misha didn't let her.  
“She doesn't know yet.”  
The officer smiled and nodded at them.  
“It would actually be great to have you back on business!”

Lily cleared her throat, not really knowing what to answer to that.  
“Yeah umm... I don't think this is what's going to happen, but you never know.”  
“Alright then, it's all fine, have a good day. It was very nice to meet you again.”  
“Thanks!” Lily answered before turning around and go back to the cabin.

Misha followed her with the sleeping bags folded in his arms.

When Lily's phone rang in her pocket, she looked at it and picked up immediately, seeing it was Katie.  
“Hey Kat!”  
“Hey!”

Uh oh... No “Lily Bee”, no excitement in her voice... It was not good.

“You... sound too serious. This is not usual. What's going on?”  
“Don't worry, nothing bad. Well at least, nothing we can't handle.”  
“The suspense is killing me, just tell me what it is now!”

She put her on speaker so Misha could hear too.

“I really hate myself for doing this but... David had a family emergency so he asked me to call you since Kristin is still not working because of her baby... We have a concert tonight and there is no concertmaster... you're the most qualified, Ludo wants you to be here...”

“What? I'm at the other side of the country, Katie! I wasn't supposed to go back to work before this weekend! I didn't even rehearse, what makes him think I'm the most qualified??”  
“Well... the fact that you actually are the most qualified. I'm sorry, Lily, I tried to tell him you were not available but he's freaking out for tonight's concert and you know how he is...”

Sure... always the perfectionist. But it meant she had to jump in a plane now to be in Seattle for the evening, and she hated the idea of leaving Misha just like that.  
He apparently wasn't a fan of the idea either. When she looked at him, he was leaning against the cabin, his arms crossed, looking down, disappointment written all over his face.

She sighed heavily, running a hand through her hair.  
“Damn it! Let me see what I can do. I'll call you back.”  
She hung up and Misha lifted his head to look at her.  
“So much for our last day here together...”

Her face crumpled into disappointment and sadness. She walked next to him and laid a hand on his arm.  
“I'm sorry...”  
“It's okay, Lily, it's not your fault. I can understand you have obligations.”

He went to the cabin to pick up the bags and suitcases, Lily did the same, and they headed to the airport.

Luckily, she found a flight that could arrive right on time in Seattle. It would be a damn rush, but she could make it anyway.  
They decided to go get breakfast in the airport while she waited for her plane, so they were now sitting in the cafeteria, their cup of coffee in front of them.

Misha looked at her and smiled. “It was a nice trip. I'm glad you agreed to come with me. I needed this.”  
She scoffed. “Yeah... cause it started so good.” She remembered their fight at her grandmother's mansion, Misha leaving her behind in a rush, she saw his wet body while he was thinking under the rain and her heart broke a little again.  
“Well... I guess I was a little overwhelmed to be here.” Misha admitted.

She shifted uncomfortably on her chair when she thought about their second fight at the hotel.  
“Will you... will you really tell Vicki everything?”  
“I have to. She would tell me.”

Lily sighed and looked away.  
“I will never be able to look at her in the eyes again. She will hate me... and she will be right. Everytime she will see me she will think about it. She won't trust me anymore...”  
“Lily, we've been over this. Don't start again. I don't wanna fight. Not now... It's already hard enough, right now I feel exactly like I did everytime I had to leave with my mom when we were young, not knowing when we'd see each other again. No need to tell you I hate the feeling.”

He was right... and she felt exactly the same. They agreed on this trip to move on, which meant they were now supposed to go on with their lives.  
They wouldn't set another date to meet, they would just call each other from time to time, between concerts, between filming and conventions... it felt so damn wrong.

“I feel the same. Except this time I'm the one leaving. Maybe it's fate... maybe from the beginning, fate tried to tell us to stay away from each other, but we never listened, so now we pay.”

Misha chuckled.  
“Wow calm down drama queen! We'll definitely see each other again. We just don't know when. Remember it was your choice, not mine.”

“Sure, what a life we would have... fucking each other on the weekends we'd be free, and you going back home to fuck your wife the rest of the time. The dream!”  
She rubbed her forehead.  
“That's not how it would be. You're overthinking it, Lily.”  
“Well, nevermind. It won't happen, Misha. End of story.”  
“Yes, no need to remind me I got it the first time.”

They heard the pre-boarding announcement for Lily's flight, so they stood up and walked towards the boarding gate.

“What will you do now? Are you gonna stay here anyway or go back home earlier?”  
“I think I'm gonna go check the newspaper's offices to see if I can find more about the article we've read at Jones' restaurant. And if I have time I'll go pick a few things from your house to keep with me.”  
“Don't go inside the house alone, Misha, it's dangerous. I'll worry during the whole flight!”  
“I don't think I will have time anyway, so no need to worry.”

This is the final boarding call for Flight 33 to Seattle, boarding at Gate 13A.

Lily felt her heart jump and beat faster when she heard the final call.  
“I gotta go.” She managed to say despite the huge lump in her throat. “Promise me you won't go back inside the house alone. Please.”  
“I promise. Come here.” Misha stepped forward and hugged her tight, breathing her scent one last time for only god knew how long.

She kissed his right cheek, then the left one, and pulled away completely, revealing her wet face.  
“You wanted a french goodbye.” She winked and sniffed.

Misha gave her a mirthless laugh.  
“Goodbye, Lily. I'll call you.”  
“Goodbye, Misha. Let me know if you find anything from the newspaper's agency.”

He nodded and she turned around, disappearing in the boarding gate and leaving Misha alone behind her.


	18. AGAIN...

 

“You’re just emotionless musicians! ALL OF YOU!”

His name was John Gardiner, and he was probably the meanest conductor ever. His harsh voice resonated in the entire concert hall, making the insult even more hurtful.

“And you, miss cello, you have a wonderful instrument between your legs and all you can do is scratch it!!”

Okay... that one was tough, but since the aimed person was Hayley a.k.a. the bitch Peter banged the day of her grandma's funeral, Lily almost laughed.

Unfortunately for everybody, John Gardiner was very famous and very talented, so he was invited by Ludo to conduct the Seattle Orchestra at least once a year, and Lily hated him with all her guts. Actually, everybody hated the old man. It was never easy and he was always very rude with musicians, but Lily could usually ignore him.

But not today. This time, it was different. Lily wasn’t in a good mood, and his mean words hurt her even more than usual.

“I don’t even know if I can call you musicians to be honest… you grunt away like pigs!”

Who did he think he was? How could he denigrate the hard work they all did for weeks? Every musician rehearsed hours a day to be able to please him, but obviously it wasn’t enough. Lily’s left fingertips were sour from all the training she did this past month just to sound perfect for this asshole! She even had to go see the doctor because her neck was hurting her too much from the constant rehearsing. And hell, they were human beings, no one on earth deserve to be treated that way!

“Nothing! I feel nothing listening to you! You should go play in a village café, this is your place! Do you think this is normal?”

That was it… Lily couldn’t hear it anymore, she couldn’t take one more insult, that was the last straw. She rose from her seat so fast that the music stand in front of her fell on the stage. Everybody looked at her with shock, Gardiner and Ludo included.

This is when she decided to answer him once and for all. Someone had to.

“Yes, Sir…”

She hissed the last word and Katie’s mouth opened wide. She wanted to stop her best friend from doing a stupid thing, but she was too shocked to speak. This was not like Lily to be so sassy, at least not at work.

“This is absolutely normal, because you have a stone instead of a heart. You just can’t feel anything, and I won’t play for such a disrespectful man like you anymore. Have a good day.”

And just like that, Lily took her violin, her bow, and she left the hall, leaving everybody speechless behind her.

She headed to the empty main office where she sat on the desk chair and breathed heavily. It actually felt quite good… she was supposed to regret what she just did, she sure would have trouble for this, maybe she would be fired, but right now she didn’t care.

This was just not the day to mess with her. She’s been on edge for a while, she didn’t need more crap.

She rubbed her face and stayed with her head in her hands, elbows on the desk, just thinking about what she’d done, or more importantly, why she’d done it.

Months had past since her trip to Northfield with Misha, and she hadn’t seen him since she came back. He called a few days after he went home to tell her about what he found in the newspaper’s office, which was not much according to him, and he had sent her a few texts from time to time, but nothing more.

After all, this was what they agreed on, going on with their lives but still keeping in touch. So why was it so hard for her right now? Why was she missing him that much? Why was she feeling so damn lonely these past months? So lonely that she even agreed on going out with Peter again a few times. It was just a couple of dates, no big deal, but she just didn’t want to feel the loneliness anymore, and being in his strong arms was familiar and comforting.

Also Misha probably told Vicki what they did during their trip, and this was probably the main reason why he wasn’t contacting her that much. She was even surprised Vicki never showed up at her door to stab her.

Lily put her hands down and looked up when she heard someone knocking. Ludo was here… time for the argument.

“Wanna explain what just happened, Lily?”  
He was probably pissed and in trouble for what she did, but his voice was soft and calm anyway.  
“Do I really have to? Didn’t I just say out loud what everybody thinks about that man?”

She should apologize, but she couldn’t. She did shut up for years in front of “The Great Sir Gardiner”, but enough was enough.

“Lily… we’ve been working together for years, I like thinking I’m more than just your boss. I won’t pretend I know you perfectly, but I know you’re not the kind of person to act like that without a good reason.”  
“The good reason is he’s an ass.”

Ludo looked down and couldn’t help but chuckled. “He definitely is. But he’s also a genius and it’s an honor for us to have him for Christmas concert this year. I’m sure you know that. Plus, do I have to mention the money he gave us?”

“Alright, I’m sorry okay? Is that what you want to hear?” She sighed. “I didn’t want to cause you any trouble, but I won’t apologize to him. I can’t pretend and be a hypocrite anymore. If you wanna fire me just do it and let’s get it over with. I don’t regret what I told him, it was the truth. I won’t play for that douchebag even if he begs me.”  
“Oh he won’t, that’s for sure.”

Ludo walked behind the desk and put his hand on Lily’s shoulder.  
“I don’t want you to leave the Seattle Orchestra, Lily. We’re like a big family and you’ve been part of it for years. I’ll talk to him and see what I can do to avoid the worst.”

What a nice man he was… Lily almost felt guilty for making him pay for her boldness. She knew there was no way she could get out of this without drama, but she really appreciated Ludo’s attention.

She looked at him and weakly smiled.  
“Thank you, boss. And I’m sorry.”  
“Go home and take some rest. You have been under a lot of pressure. You probably need a break. I’ll call you.”  
He nodded before leaving the room.

When Lily walked to leave the Benaroya Hall, she heard the music playing, they were rehearsing Ave Maria for Christmas concert, and her heart clenched because she didn’t know when she could play with her friends again. Naturally it was all her fault, but on the way home, she swore she would do something to clear her mind.

 

Of course, the first thing Katie did when she got back from work was to stop by her friend’s.

“I have to say… it was a dumb thing to do for your career, but damn did it feel good to hear someone finally say the truth to the man!”

They were sharing a cup of tea, both sitting on the bar stools that were facing the kitchen.

“Did he say something after I left?”  
“Not really, he asked Ludo to control his musicians so he went to you, and then he asked us to start again. Of course he was even more obnoxious after that.”  
“Sorry…” Lily looked down at her mug.  
“It’s okay, we’re used to it. So… What did Ludo say? Are you in trouble?”  
“He said he would try to see what he can do and he’ll call me.”  
“Good… Now… Will you finally tell me why you’re on edge these days or do I have to torture you?”

Naturally Katie felt something was wrong and she needed to dig deeper, but Lily wasn’t really in the mood to talk, and she didn’t even know herself what the real problem was. She tried to avoid the conversation.  
“I’m fine, someone had to tell him the truth. You’re welcome by the way.”  
“Oh please, don’t play that game with me, you’re avoiding me, and I see Peter around here more than he should be, I think it’s time you give me an explanation.”

Lily sighed, closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. She knew she couldn’t lie to Katie anymore.  
“I don’t know, Katie… I feel kinda lonely and Peter helps. I think it’s just the aftermath of everything that happened this year, plus Christmas coming soon, you know it’s always a bad time for me, especially this year since I can’t spend the holidays with my grandmother.”  
“Yeah, I know… But I’m here for you and I live right up the stairs, you can talk to me.”  
“I know that. I just needed some comfort in a man’s arms, is that so bad?”  
“No, it’s not… But after everything Peter did to you I thought you would rather call Misha for comfort.”

Lily closed her eyes. Just hearing his name was painful. Of course, Katie noticed her reaction and she began to understand what the biggest problem of her best friend was.  
“I can’t call Misha.”  
“Why couldn’t you? Did you two fight or something? You said your trip was great.”  
“It was but… but… we fought a lot the first days and… and…”  
“But, But, and, and… Jesus, Lily what happened during that damn trip?”

She couldn’t lie to Katie anymore, she couldn’t hide such a heavy secret from her best friend.  
“WehadsexandhetoldVickiandnowIcan’tcallhimanymoreorshe’llkillme.” She said it so fast she wasn’t sure it was audible, but at least it was out of her chest.

Naturally, Katie understood at least a few words…  
“You had sex with Misha???”  
“Geez you should yell louder, someone in Australia didn’t catch every word!”  
“God! Lily! What happened? And more importantly, why are you telling me only NOW?”  
“I don’t know, because I was scared and I’m not proud of it, we shouldn’t have, he’s fucking married for God’s sake!”  
“And you were supposed to marry him first!! He still loves you I know it! This is awesome!”  
“No! No, it’s not! I won’t go down that road. I’m not destroying his family. You don’t realize, Katie, he had nothing and the only thing he wanted in his life was a family and a good situation to be able to take care of them, and he wanted to change things and spread some good in this fucked up world, and you know what? He succeeded! He did it, and he did it without me. I won’t take that away from him, I know how hard it must’ve been for him. Plus I would feel too guilty and I couldn’t live with myself.”

Katie crossed her arms and frowned at her friend.  
“And he’s okay with that?”  
“Yes, the goal of our trip was to move on and leave our past behind. We both agreed.”  
“Yes… You agreed in bed obviously.”  
“Oh come on, Katie shut up. That was a mistake, we were fighting and it led to… that.”

Katie squealed. “Angry sex! Even better! So… You gotta tell me… How was it?”  
“Alright, end of the conversation.”

Lily stood up and put their mug away in the sink, while Katie pouted, disappointed to have so little details.  
“Go home, Katie. It’s late and I’m tired.”  
“Fine, fine… But don’t think you can throw a bomb like that and I’ll give up with the questions. I want to know every single detail. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”  
She winked and left Lily’s apartment.

***

It took two days for Ludo to call her back. When he did, Lily expected the worst, and she was right. She was allowed to finish the year with the Seattle Orchestra, but she would be transferred somewhere else at the end of the year. Ludo managed to find her a nice position in another famous orchestra, but she would have to leave Seattle.

So here she was, rehearsing for the last concert she would give on the stage she loved so much, with her coworkers she liked so much, her best friend, her friend David, and Ludo who was probably one of the nicest boss of the planet. In a few hours, after the movie soundtracks concert, she would say goodbye to everyone, and she felt sick already.

She could only blame herself for this, but she sure would miss that place a lot. It was just one more thing she could add to the long list of all the things she’d lost this year.

When everybody was ready, she went to eat something in the cafeteria with Katie and David, and she realized she would have to leave Katie too, and it was the hardest part. Katie had been with her since she was sixteen, and she didn’t know how she would handle her absence. She became like a sister, supporting her when something was wrong, and Lily realized she would soon be completely alone in a foreign place, and that scared her a lot.

“You should eat, Lily, or you’ll be hungry during the concert.”  
David noticed she was just playing with her food, and he was worried.

Lily looked at him and smiled weakly. “I’m not hungry.”

“He’s right, you know, you wouldn’t want to disappoint your audience, I didn’t fly all the way to hear something bad.”  
Lily’s heart stopped when she heard Misha’s voice behind her. She almost thought it was her imagination playing tricks on her, but when she turned around, she saw him smiling at her, and she rose from her seat to hug him tight.

“What are you doing here?”  
She couldn’t let go. They were still hugging in the middle of the cafeteria with dozens of people watching them, but she just couldn’t let go.  
“I presumed a little surprise wouldn’t hurt.”

Lily broke the embrace and turned to look at Katie. Seeing her wide opened mouth, she concluded she didn’t know about his plan to come here either.  
They all sat around the table and no one talked for a while. David started eating again, Katie had a huge smile on her face looking at Misha, Lily was playing with the salad in her sandwich, and Misha was just staring at her with a tender look on his face.

“So… you wanna tell me why you’re here tonight?” Lily was a bit annoyed and everyone could hear it in her voice, but she didn’t even know why exactly. She hadn’t seen Misha for months, it was almost Christmas, she was supposed to leave in a few days, her entire life was about to change again, and here he was, sitting in the booth in front of her like it was usual and totally normal.

“Wow… nice to see you too, Lily.” He chuckled, but the little hint of disappointment was obvious on his face.

Well done Lily… you haven’t seen him in months and this is the first thing you tell him?

She sighed and took a sip of her tea.  
“No, I mean… I’m surprised, I didn’t expect to see you here after so long and I wonder if you did it on purpose or if you’re just here for work or something and you stopped by to say hi.”

“Well…” he started, and leaned over the table to get closer to her. Lily gave a “what’s happening” side look at Katie but didn’t move back.  
“I have some great news I couldn’t wait to share with you, and since I’m not working today, I thought I could at least come to hear you play tonight before flying to the convention in L.A.”

He raised an eyebrow, obviously proud of him. All Lily could notice at this moment was the blue of his eyes, so she looked down at her mug and took another sip.  
“Okay, what kind of great news?” She simply replied after clearing her voice.  
“Not here. Can we talk somewhere more private?”

Naturally, Katie and David looked at each other with an impish smile.  
“My office is empty right now.” David declared proudly while Katie nudged her friend.

Lily sighed again and closed her eyes, still annoyed, but this time because of the lack of subtlety of her friends. She had no choice but to agree, plus she was now curious to hear what he had to say. Curious but also a little scared…  
“Alright. Let’s go then.”  
She got up and Misha nodded at David and Katie before following her to David’s office.

“Wow, fancy!” Misha said when they stepped inside.  
“Concertmaster privilege.” She smiled and winked at him, then patted the spot next to her on the leather sofa, notifying him he could sit next to her.  
“So, will you make me wait much longer to tell me about your great news or do I have to torture you first?”

Misha chuckled and obliged. “As appealing as torture sounds, I’ll tell you first.” He pivoted a little to face her and a genuine smile formed on his face. “I’m moving from L.A.”

Lily blinked a few times, not understanding why he was so excited about that.  
“Okay… You’re moving from L.A to….?”  
“Bellingham.”  
She still wasn’t sure it was good news, she needed to clear it a little more. “Bellingham? Bellingham, Washington?”  
“How many Bellingham do you know?.” The smile on Misha’s face was growing even more.  
“The Bellingham that is not even an hour away from here?”

Now she could see why he was so excited, and she started to be too.  
“Yep.”  
“But… Why?”

Clearly that was not the answer Misha expected. He tilted his head and frowned.  
“Because I work in Vancouver and I’m tired of flying so much and I wanted to live closer to you so we can see each other more often! Last time we saw each other was in August and I really hated spending four entire months without seeing you to be honest. I think we lived separated from each other long enough.”

That could be awesome news indeed… except for one little detail. Lily’s heart was pounding so hard she had the feeling everyone could hear it and it would soon get out of her chest. Her hands were moist and her face crumbled.

“Lily? What’s wrong? I thought you would… be happy about it.” Misha started to doubt and he really hated the feeling. Maybe he should’ve talked to her about it first?

Of course, he didn’t know about Lily’s mistake with John Gardiner, she didn’t call to tell him, and so he didn’t know about the consequences either. Now was the time to tell him.

“Misha… I… have something to tell you too.” She said it so low he could barely hear her, but obviously he sensed something was wrong so he took one of her hand in his.  
“You’re scaring me, Lily. What’s going on? Are you mad because I didn’t talk about it with you first?”  
“No! No, I… It’s fine but… I did something kinda stupid a few weeks ago and it had consequences.”  
She had to stop to swallow; the lump in her throat was unbearable.

Misha was eager to know but he could see she had trouble talking so he decided to help.  
“Okay… What did you do?” He asked with a soft voice.  
“I… I… I basically told one of the most famous conductors he was an ass in front of the whole orchestra and he didn’t appreciate.”

A brief smile appeared on Misha’s lips, but he tried to suppress it by rubbing his face quickly.  
“Don’t laugh, he really IS a giant ass and I was in a bad mood, I couldn’t take his insults anymore so I told him what everyone thinks about him and I left the hall.” She looked down remembering that awful day.

“Sorry but saying it like that, it sounds pretty funny. What happened next?” He encouraged her.  
“Ludo tried to talk to him so I could keep my position, but it didn’t work that well. The guy was really mad.”  
Misha’s face crumbled when he finally understood what she meant. “Oh God, Lily did you lose your job?”

She shook her head. “No. Ludo is actually a real angel, he found me a new one.”  
“Oh… Great then! Why is that so bad and what does it have to do with me moving here?”

Lily took a deep breath before finally saying it.  
“He managed to find me a position in Vienna Symphony Orchestra. I’m leaving for Austria in two days. Tonight is my last concert here.”

Misha’s eyes almost popped out of his head and he paled. He expected everything but this, and for a brief moment he had even hopped she’d told him she was fired.  
“AUSTRIA???” he almost screamed. “In Europe? Near Germany??”

Lily nodded, her face was red and her eyes started to shine.  
“And I can’t even speak German at all!” She let out in a loud sob, hiding her face behind her hands.  
“God…” Misha whispered and took her in his arms, holding her while she cried convulsively on his shoulder.

He didn’t even know what to say anymore. It was supposed to be a wonderful night, full of surprises and good news, he was supposed to be happy, they would be near each other again and could meet every week and not be separated again, that was the original plan!

Instead he was devastated, holding the woman he missed so much in his arms, trying so assimilate the fact that she would be on another continent in a couple of days and they wouldn’t see each other that much again.

“How long?” He managed to ask between clenched teeth, trying to keep a straight face.  
Lily got out of his embrace to rub her face and sniff.  
“What do you mean ‘how long’? It’s a permanent job, Misha. I’m leaving and this is it. I’m starting a new life. Again! I’ll have to learn a fucking new language, again! And I will be all alone, FUCKING AGAIN!!! Because I couldn’t shut the fuck up in front of a rich and famous douchebag who can’t stop insulting people!”

Seeing her like that was tough, and his eyes started to shine too. He tried to keep it inside and be strong for her, but when she held her stomach and bent over sobbing harder, he couldn’t hold it anymore and the tears rolled down his face too.  
He took her forearms to lift her in his arms again and didn’t let go. She put her arms around his shoulders and cried for a while.

“I’m sorry I ruined your surprise.” She said after she calmed down a little.  
Misha scoffed. “Do you really think I care about that right now?”  
“When I left for France I had my grandma, and I found Katie not long after we got there and we never left each other from that day. But now… now my grandma’s dead, I have no family, Katie’s staying here… and I lose you ag-“  
She couldn’t finish her sentence; the sob in her throat almost choked her.

“Hey, hey!” Misha gently lifted her chin so she would look at him. She hadn’t realized he was crying too.  
“First of all, how many freaking times will I have to tell you, Mom, Sasha and me, we ARE your family. We’ve always been! Since that blessed day we put a foot in your house right before Christmas.”  
That was supposed to make her feel better, but she closed her eyes and the tears flew down her face again.  
“And then… Why do you go if it’s so hard for you? Why do you go in a place you know nothing about except you won’t be happy? Why don’t you stay here and start something new here? With us to support you!”

Oh Misha… always here to try to fix things. It sounded so easy saying it like that.

“Something new? Music is my life, Misha. I don’t know what else to do! I don’t WANT to do something else! And… though it’s super far in a foreign country, Vienna’s orchestra is a wonderful opportunity for a musician. Ludo’s giving me an awesome chance here. I just… It’s just very hard to let everything and everyone behind me. It brings memories back. Memories I wish I could erase forever.”

“I know.” Misha’s voice went down a little. “I feel the same right now. Except this time I have at least a chance to say goodbye.”  
Lily looked at him in the eyes and he bent over to get closer to her, licking his lips. He took her face in his hands, rubbing her jaw line with his thumbs, and when their lips were about to touch, David knocked on the door, opened it, and they parted away.

Sensing he was interrupting something important, he just cleared his voice.  
“Everybody’s on stage already, we’re waiting for you, Lily. Concert starts in ten minutes.” And he left, closing the door behind him.

Lily stood up and went to the door, but before she could reach the handle, Misha gently grabbed her wrist, slowly spun her around and pushed her against the door.  
“I’m not done.” He simply said before crashing his lips against hers.

She didn’t resist this time. She opened her mouth right away to allow his tongue to find hers. It was not rough, it was a slow and soft kiss, full of everything they needed to say but didn’t have time to. Misha was still keeping her against the door, one hand in her hair, the other caressing her jaw line, and he just couldn’t stop kissing her.

In that kiss, they both saw all the moments they had to say goodbye to each other again, harder and harder everytime, but this one was particularly bitter, and it was her fault.

Lily clenched her right hand in the back of his head, grabbing his hair, as her left hand stayed on his hip. When she broke the kiss, no one moved. Misha buried his face in the crook of her neck, knocking his forehead on the door in the process, but he didn’t care.  
“Don’t leave me again.” He softly begged against her neck.

She shut her eyes tight, trying to keep composure.  
“Tell me you have plenty of conventions in Austria.”  
He pulled away to look at her, desolation written all over his face.  
“Lie.” She almost begged.  
Misha swallowed and gave her a fake smile. “Yes.”

Germany was close enough, right?

A single tear rolled down her face. She gave him his fake smile back, reached for the door handle, kissed him on one cheek, then the other one, just like she did when she was in France.  
“When do you go?” she asked.  
“I have to leave right after the concert. I have a convention to attend tomorrow morning.”  
“Boy, are we lucky!” She chuckled bitterly.

Misha frowned realizing something.  
“When did you plan to tell me you were moving at the other side of the planet by the way? What if I never came here tonight? You said you leave in two days!”

She shrugged, turning the doorknob.  
“I would’ve called eventually. Some things are hard to say. I’m kinda tired of saying goodbye to you, Misha. I’ll see you after the concert, don’t worry.”

And just like that, she opened the door and left him behind. He sighed deeply and rubbed his face before going to his seat for the concert.

It was a great concert and Misha really enjoyed it despite everything. He was not used to this kind of concerts, but seeing people playing classic instruments live was a damn good experience to him. They played music from different famous movies so it was not boring at all, and he had to admit, watching Lily playing the violin was a delight to his eyes.

Again, it brought him back two decades ago. She wasn’t playing with a huge orchestra at the time, most of the time she practiced alone, and she was playing with the school for some official events, but he and Sasha always liked watching her play. There was just something he found very sophisticated about violin, and she was even more graceful today with experience.

He even tried it once, but he preferred learning the piano. Lily’s grandfather taught him a bit of saxophone too, and that was pretty much all the experience he had in music.

Naturally, the first thing he did after the lights went off at the end of the concert was flying off his chair to go find Lily. The only problem was he had no idea where she was and the Benaroya Hall was pretty big.

After twenty minutes looking for her everywhere, he just thought he would go back to his car and call her. That’s where he found her, on the parking lot, putting her instrument in her car, Katie by her side.  
When he approached, he noticed both women had cried, their eyes were red and they really didn’t look happy.

“Hey! I searched for you everywhere. Are you two okay? You look terrible…”

The two women turned to look at him and gave him a smile. Katie hugged Misha real quick.  
“See ya, handsome.” She simply said before hugging Lily too. “I’ll see you at home.”  
She left a quick peck on her cheek and left.

Lily turned to Misha, she looked exhausted.  
“Last concert here, I had to say goodbye to everyone and take all my stuff. Sorry I made you wait.”  
“It’s okay. Can you come with me to the airport at least?”

Once again, Lily would have to disappoint him.  
“Katie’s waiting for me. We have to finish packing.”  
“So that’s it? That’s how we’re leaving each other? On a parking lot?”  
“Misha, please… I’m tired and super depressed. We said goodbye earlier. Can we leave it at that? I’ll come back to visit Katie anyway, I don’t know when, but I’ll stop by your place too, promise.”

He scoffed. “Oh lucky me!”  
“Before I leave, I have to know something.”  
“What?” He asked almost annoyed.  
“Why did we stay four months without seeing each other? Did you tell Vicki what happened in Northfield?”

Misha tilted his head, surprised by her question. “Really? You wanna talk about that NOW?”  
“Humor me.”  
He breathed deeply.  
“Yes, of course I told Vicki, you knew I would, I told you.”  
“Okay then… was she mad? Did she tell you to stay away from me?”

He genuinely laughed. “She would never do that. No one can keep me away from you, Lily. She’s not mad. She understood, and I knew she would. We haven’t seen each other in four months because one- I have a job and I’ve been pretty busy, two- You specifically told me we needed to stay away from each other and go on with our lives after our trip, and three- I’ve been super busy with a new Random Acts project I have far from my home so I had to travel a lot.”

Fair enough… Naturally she had thought about the worst when everything was actually fine.  
“What project?”

Misha looked down and shook his head.  
“It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m really not in the mood to talk about that now.”  
He stepped closer to her and opened his arms. She sighed and accepted his embrace, hugging him tight one last time.

“I’ll call you when I’m in Vienna.” She bitterly said against his chest.  
“You better.” He kissed the top of her head.  
“Goodbye, Misha.” She stepped away from him and opened the car’s door.  
“Goodbye, Lily… I love you.”

She smiled and for the hundredth time today, a tear rolled down her cheek, but she didn’t answer him back. She disappeared inside her car and went back home to pack her things, leaving a very sad Misha behind her.

Again.


	19. Merry Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling generous this week because I had so nice comments, so here you can have one more chapter :) It's a little longer than usual but I didn't want to split it, and btw it was super hard for me to write it!

*************************  
**September 1990. Nice - France.**

 

“You need to keep your mind busy, Lily. You should choose an activity that you could focus on so you won’t think about all those bad things. Something you really love.”

Dr Dorville’s words stayed in Lily’s mind for a while before she accepted the idea of not thinking about her past and what happened to her family and friends a couple of months earlier.

Her psychiatrist was right, she was thinking too much, she knew that, but how do you stop thinking about your mom screaming your name while you’re chocking on smoke? How do you stop hearing your little brother’s screams through the door? How do you forget the sight of the man you planned to spend the rest of your life with dead in your arms?

Burying in something she loved and was good at seemed like a good idea. She had two options: dance or music.

She loved dancing, it was a real passion, she even took lessons back home in Northfield. She particularly liked tango, but she was interested in all kinds of dances. As long as she could forget herself and live the music through her body, it was fine for her.  
Though with that huge and gross scar on her back, she couldn’t see herself swaying her body in beautiful dresses. Everybody would think she’s a freak, or they would ask questions she didn’t want to answer. And of course, it would bring back awful memories when she was specifically supposed to forget.

So much for option one.

Option two then! She could play in the school orchestra, or join the local orchestra. And there she had two options again: piano or violin.  
She wasn’t very fond of her school. All the kids were looking at her weirdly because she was new and had a huge scar. She also looked sad all the time which didn’t help either. No need to say she wasn’t very popular, especially when she couldn’t communicate properly as she wasn’t speaking French fluently yet.

Local orchestra it will be then!

Now… piano or violin? All she could think about when she thought about piano was Misha’s hands next to hers, trying to learn new pieces, practicing and laughing a lot, and often leading to making out on the piano bench until her mom or her brother would interrupt. He had so nice hands… and what he could do with those hands!  
Okay… violin will be wiser.

That’s how she ended up auditioning as a violinist for the Nice Symphony orchestra in the end of 1990.

She was nervous. Not so much because she was scared of being bad, she knew she was good enough to impress the conductor, but she couldn’t speak French that much and she didn’t want to meet new people who would ask tons of questions. She wasn’t sure all of this was a good idea after all.

But still… while she was here queuing with her violin ready in her hand, looking at other students who wanted a position very bad, maybe more than her, she wasn’t thinking about home… it actually worked quite well.

“Première audition?”

A voice behind her took her out of her reverie. She turned around and saw a girl with long black hair and huge red glasses, holding her flute, expecting her to answer something with her big dark sparkling eyes fixing her.  
Problem was she didn’t understand what she said…

“Sorry um… pas Française.” she replied with her ugly accent.  
“Oh! You’re from England? Lucky you, my aunt lives in London so I speak English too!” She looked so excited about it that she almost jumped.

Uh... A french person who speaks English, that's a rare specie.

“Actually I’m American.”  
“Well, I’m very happy to meet you, I’m Katie, and if they don’t call me in five minutes for my audition, I think I will pee my pants from being so nervous.”

She actually managed to make her chuckle… that was quite a miracle these days!  
“I’m Lily.”  
“Nice to meet you, Lily.” She approached her face really close to Lily who didn't know what was happening, and suddenly she kissed her cheek, and then the other.

_What... the... FUCK??? Personal space, lady!!!_

“How did you end up here?”

She sighed. And now the questions… why did she talk in the first place?  
“Let’s just say I need a distraction and music is the best option for me.”  
“I know what you mean. My dad says playing with other people will help channeling my energy. I… can be a little too much excited sometimes.”

_No kidding…_

“Elise Hagen?” The tall man called, and Lily stepped inside the auditorium.  
“Good luck!” She heard Katie screaming behind her, so she turned around and gave her a weak smile.

A few days later, both of them found each other back in that same auditorium for their first day as a musician in Nice orchestra.

After school, Lily was always happy to meet Katie. She wasn’t living too far from her, and as she was two years younger, Lily was glad to help her with homework and practicing. Katie helped Lily learning French and she made great progress in a short time thanks to her. They became good friends and Lily was very grateful to have someone to talk to.

“So… you never told me why you moved to France to live with your grandmother. Where are your parents? Oh, let me guess… they work for a huge American company and they travel a lot!”  
“You watch too much TV, Katie. My parents are dead, and my grandmother lived in America too. We both moved.”  
They were at the beach, it was the weekend and they decided to take a break from practicing so here they were, both enjoying the sun lying on their towel.

Katie sat when she heard Lily’s confession.  
“Both of them? May I ask what happened?”  
“My dad died in a car accident when I was ten. My mom…” she swallowed the lump in her throat. Except for Dr Dorville, she had not talked about it with anyone “she died a few months ago. Our house burnt and she didn’t make it.”

Katie’s eyes fell on her scar.  
“Yeah. That’s why I have that too.”  
“I’m really sorry, Lily. I didn’t know… sometimes I talk too fast without thinking and-“  
“It’s okay, Katie. I’m glad I told you. It feels kinda good to finally be able to tell someone.”  
“You haven’t told anyone?” Katie was very surprised. They knew each other for a few weeks now, they talked about everything, and she was far from thinking something so horrible could’ve happened to Lily.

“No. It was too hard. We were six persons that night. I’m the only one who made it and I hate myself for that. I probably will feel guilty forever.”  
“Six? You had brothers and sisters?”  
“Only one little brother. But we were living with friends and… well like I said, I’m the only one.”

For once, Katie stayed quite for a little while. She didn’t know what to say, and she couldn't believe something that awful could happen to someone so young. You’re not supposed to lose your parents so early, needless to say your siblings, and particularly not the same day in such a violent way.  
“Don’t you miss your friends from America?”  
“I miss my best friend a lot. But he died that night too so… even if I go back there I won’t find him back.”

Lily sat too and smiled at Katie. “But I’m glad I found someone who I can talk to like I did with him.”  
Katie leaned over and gave her a warm hug.  
“Always. I’ll always be here. Promise.”

From that day, they never left each other, and when one needed to talk, the other was always here. When one was feeling bad, the other could always cheer her up.

 

 ****************************  
**Vienna – Austria. December 24 2013.**

 

How could it be more depressing? It was Christmas Eve and Lily was truly alone for the first time. Plus she was totally lost in a country she knew nothing about. She was sitting on her small sofa, looking around her. She had stuck a lot of pictures on her wall so it would appear less empty, that way the people she loved were with her just a little bit.

She had a lot of pictures with Katie, of course, a few with David at work, even one with Ludo.

 _You have to be grateful for the awesome position he found you!_  
She kept saying that to herself, but right now it was so hard to stay positive!

There were pictures of her grandmother. One very recent, a few weeks before she died, Lily was posing with her in the garden of her house in Nice when she went visiting for spring holidays. One with her grandfather too, they were making flower crowns in his workshop back in Litchfield.  
There was one picture of her little brother Ryan, playing football with Sasha in the farm’s backyard, one picture of her mom and dad holding hands on the front porch, one picture of her mom holding her when she was a baby, one picture of Rebecca and her two sons smiling like they were the most happy family ever, one picture of her dancing with Misha in the barn.  
She had to laugh at that one, remembering how clumsy he was when he tried to dance.

There was also a picture of Misha building the cabin near the willow tree. Of course he didn’t do it alone, her grandfather started to build it, but since he died before it was done, Misha promised he would finish it with Sasha, and he kept his promise.

She actually had a lot of pictures of Misha and his family when they lived together; she thought one day they would probably love to see them. She took the ones her grandmother kept too so she had quite a collection now.

The last picture on her wall was their photo op at JIB4 and she smiled looking at it. She thought about everything that had happened between the last two photos and was soon overwhelmed so she stopped. Too many things, mostly bad. She had to think about something else, to change her mind, but how can you change your mind when you’re alone on Christmas Eve in a too small apartment like a lion in a cage?

She stood up, looked outside her window and sighed. She had to admit Vienna was a wonderful city, the architecture was amazing, plus it was snowing which added a soft touch. She lived near the opera since she worked there, and she was stunned the first time she stepped inside the building. It was absolutely beautiful, and she was very lucky to work in such a place with such prestigious musicians.

There was a nice park not so far, maybe she should take a walk in the snow? Of course nobody was outside on Christmas Eve, everybody was with their families, so she would be alone outside too… but at least she would have some fresh air, and when she’d came back, she would open the present Katie sent. It was sitting on her coffee table since she had no Christmas tree. It was a small box with a note on it, saying “Do NOT open before Christmas! I’ll know it!”

She smiled, it was typically Katie.

_Okay, don’t be a baby and go outside!_

She finally took her coat, scarf, purse and hat, put her boots on and left her apartment. She walked to the park and was even surprised to see some shops were still open at 6pm on Christmas Eve, but at least it brought a bit of life on her way.

When she reached the park, there was no single soul.

_Depressing._

She walked along the main alley, saw a lot of benches with snow on it, obviously nobody had been here for a long time. It was actually pretty peaceful after all.

When she arrived near the chapel, she was surprised to see some movement. She slowed down her pace a moment to observe and saw a woman with two boys sitting on a bench, eating pretzels. They looked kind of sloppy and they probably were cold considering their poor winter clothes, not to mention they were wearing sneakers in the snow. She heard the smaller boy coughing, and it hit her like a wall of brick.

_Don’t think about Misha, don’t think about his family, change your mind!_

But really… what were the odds to find a woman with two boys outside on Christmas Eve in the snow? How was she supposed to think about something else when it was almost exactly what happened when she found Misha’s family living in a freaking tent? Was she supposed to pass and ignore them? Was it supposed to be normal to be cold, homeless and eat pretzels on a park bench on Christmas night?

What would her mother think if she could see this right now? She would definitely stop to help them even just a little. So would her grandparents. She couldn’t just walk away and do nothing.

She looked inside her purse and took her wallet out. She really hoped the woman wouldn’t be mad, but she approached and greeted them before handing her a hundred euro bill.

“Merry Christmas.” she shyly said looking the woman in the eyes and nodding at her so she would take it.

The woman stared at Lily a moment and looked around her. She probably thought it was a joke or something, but after a little while she gave a weak smile and took the money from Lily’s hand.

“Vielen Dank, Fräulein. Möge Gott Sie reich segnen.”

_Oh, right… German. Damn it!_

“Frohe Weihnachten.” she simply replied with a terrible accent and smiled with a nod.  
The two young boys looked at her like she was an alien, but she smiled at them too and walked away, her eyes were starting to shine a little too much and she didn’t want to look even weirder.

She walked towards her apartment, and on her way home, she thought about what could’ve happened if her mother didn’t invite Rebecca, Misha and Sasha that night too. They would’ve spent Christmas in their tent… with a very sick kid. They wouldn’t have lived with them at the farm, their friendship wouldn’t have been strengthened, and eventually they would’ve left forever and became strangers again, and they would’ve stayed away from Northfield without coming back.  
But then… they wouldn’t have fried in the fire a few years later.

_Oh come on, Lily! Get your shit together! Stop over thinking!_

She sped up to come back home because she was cold, and when she was at her front door, she noticed a piece of paper stuck on it. She took it and saw it was a delivery ticket with a word from the delivery man scribbled on it.

_“I left the package in your mail box. Merry Christmas.”_

Lily smiled and went to get the package out of her mail box. It was the size of a shoe box, and it came from Bellingham WA… interesting.

She came inside her apartment, took her coat and boots off, and put the box on the table. She needed to open Katie’s present first. It was 8pm on Christmas Eve, close enough, right?

She opened the tiny box while her tea was brewing. It was a box from Pandora Jewellery, so she knew right away what was inside. They went shopping one day and when they passed in front of Pandora's window, Lily saw that beautiful feather charm she wanted to add to her bracelet.

She never knew why but she always liked feathers, that’s why her grandfather made a dream catcher for her.  
Without any surprise, the stunning sparkling feather was inside the tiny box, and Lily’s smile grew wide across her face. She took it and put it on her bracelet. She would send Katie a message, but she couldn’t do it now or she would know she opened her present too early.

She poured some hot tea in a mug and sat on her sofa with Misha’s package. She really wondered what he could’ve sent her. When she opened it, she saw an old, dirty and rusty metal box and her heart stopped.

_Is that our freaking time capsule?_

She totally forgot about it, they buried it when they when fifteen, they were already dating for a while, and they swore they would open it when they’d both turn thirty.

_Geez we’re almost forty now…_

There was two envelopes outside the box: one from Misha, and one from Vicki.

_Oh my God… I can’t open that!!_

She started by opening Misha’s message and read it.

 

 _Lily,_  
_I can’t be with you for Christmas so I thought I would send you a little something to help you remember I’ll always be with you no matter what._  
_I wanted to dig our time capsule out with you, but since you’re gone and you’ll probably sell the farm, I decided it would be a shame to lose it…plus we’re almost ten years late!_

 _I hope you’ll have as much fun as I did._  
_Merry Christmas sweetheart._  
_Love,_

_Misha._

_P.S. Don’t eat what’s supposed to be eatable… I tried, it was a mistake. Oh and… I transferred the video and audio files on a flash drive, I figured you wouldn’t be able to play them otherwise. We’ll watch the original ones together ;)_

 

She laughed. Did they really put food in that capsule? She couldn’t even remember what was inside!

 Without waiting more, she opened the metal box and scanned the few items she could see. Her heart was pounding in her chest; she could already see a few pictures, and the flash drive he was talking about in his note.

She would watch it last, because it would probably be the hardest part. She first took the Polaroid photos in her hands. Her dad gave his camera to her when she turned ten, just before he died, and she had it with her pretty much all the time, taking a LOT of pictures.

There was a picture of Misha and her when they were very young, they must’ve been ten or eleven on it. They were inside her grandfather’s workshop, sticking their tongues out for the photo.

_Dorks._

She couldn’t help but laughed at the next one: it was a picture she took of Misha right before they left for the school dance.

_Oh my God the freaking blond ponytail!_

She chuckled again… he certainly looked better now, but she kinda liked his long hair at the time, she could've spent hours burying her hand in his soft hair.

And the next photo made her blush furiously, which was insane because she was alone, but she couldn’t believe they did that.  
They were totally naked but sort of hidden under Lily’s patchwork blanket, both lying on the straw in the small barn. Misha was holding the camera at arm’s length to take the picture of them snuggling after what looked like a nice summer sex session.

_Aaaand that probably explains Vicki’s letter… I’m so dead._

She turned the photo and saw something written at the back. “Mom, if you find this before we do, chill out! Lily.”

God, she also forgot what a brat she was.

There were a few other pictures at school with friends, and she felt a wave of shame consuming her when she saw Darius. He was their friend, and he kept in touch with Misha for all those years, thinking she was dead too, and she didn’t even take the time to stop by his place to say hello. She had him on the phone a few times, but it was not the same. She would definitely have to fix that and soon. There was a tiny post-it note on the picture with Darius: “I’ll need that back for blackmail purpose. M.”

_I don’t even wanna know. She chuckled._

She almost cried when she saw a picture of her grandfather working with Misha and Sasha, but she kept a strong face, nobody has the right to cry on Christmas night!

There sure were a lot of pictures, but on every single one of them, everybody looked happy, and Lily thought she had really been blessed for having such a happy childhood, surrounded by loving people.

She sighed and rummaged through the box to find something else. There was a movie ticket, they went to see “Big” for their first official date.

 _Ah Tom Hanks… never a disappointment_ , she joked. That was a great night by the way.

Then she found the supposedly “eatable” item: Skittles. They both loved those candies, hell she still did! She opened the small bag, which was previously shut with staples since Misha tasted it first, but the lovely smell of Skittles was gone and the colours had faded… It should’ve been a sign it wasn’t eatable anymore.

She then took the wooden keychain that was inside the box. Misha shaped it of course, there was the Chevrolet logo on it, and a note saying “ _For our future car_ ” hanging on it. He sure was a dreamer.

She frowned when she saw a tiny bottle with greenish liquid in it. That looked gross to be honest, but she couldn’t remember what it was. She opened the tiny cork plug which made a cute popping sound, and when she smelled it, she almost threw up but that’s exactly when she remembered what it was.

_Olfactory memory!_

Rebecca always had this… “special skill” to make medicine out of plants. Lily found that very funny when she was a kid, it was a bit like she was a magician, a witch… or a hippie she didn’t really know, but as she grew up, she just realized she had no money to buy medicines, so she clearly had no choice. Thing was, one day she was sick and Rebecca was the only one around, so she used that little potion on her, and as gross as it was, it worked! She never knew what was inside, Rebecca wouldn’t tell her (now that she was an adult, she knew it was probably something illegal), but she insisted to put a bottle in the capsule, because she would remember that awful smell forever.

That made her laugh too.

She was almost done, there was a piece of paper, and then she would have to look at the flash drive.

When she unfolded the piece of paper, she saw it was a list of things, untitled “ Ten Future predictions”.

_Omg we were such nerds._

The first thing on the list was “We’ll be married, live in a big house with two kids (preferably a boy and a girl) and a LOT of animals, Misha will probably be President and Lily a famous dancer.”

_Holy shit couldn’t we be more wrong!_

Actually one point was true: Misha **DID** have two kids, a boy and a girl… wrong mother though, she bitterly thought. Obviously they wrote the list after he proposed, right before burying the capsule.  
And… really? President? She had to laugh at that too. A famous actor was way better than President after all.

Second point was “I’ll drive a Chevrolet, hence the keychain.”

 _Sure Misha!_ Wait _… Isn’t the car from his show a Chevrolet?_

And the list went on:  
3- We’ll be super rich. _(Eeh… not so bad)_  
4- Ryan and Sasha will finally leave our asses alone. _(Well, Ryan that’s for sure.)_  
5- Rebecca will buy real medicine. _(That needs to be verified.)_  
6- We’ll use our money to make people happy. _(Misha sure does, and I gave a hundred bill to a homeless family, that counts right?)_  
7- Lily will have bright red hair and Misha grey! HAHA! _(Oh… not bad, Lily, you nailed it! I’ll have to check if Misha’s got grey hair though.)_  
8-We will go back to Northfield to kiss under our tree. _(Nope!)_  
9-Misha will finally learn how to dance. _(I'm still waiting but I'm starting to think he's a lost cause)_  
10- Whatever happens, wherever we are, we will be together and love each other forever.

**_Oh please!_ **

She folded the piece of paper and threw it back in the box. Stupid teens.

Now was the time to plug the flash drive in and see what was on it. She took her laptop and plugged it in, revealing two files: “Mix tape” and “Videos”.  
She clicked on the first one and a few song titles appeared on her screen. A little laugh escaped her lips when she saw the first one: Africa – Toto. She still loved that song and often listened to it, but when she was young, she couldn’t help dancing on it. She used to extend her arms wide open and turn around in circles during the whole refrain, and she didn’t care who was around and what people could think, she wouldn’t stop, and Misha enjoyed it every single time. Of course she calmed down with age.

She looked at the other songs: Walking On Sunshine, Take On Me, Letter for Elise… Mistral Gagnant?? She clicked on the last one and as soon as the piano started playing, tears formed in her eyes. It was a French song that her grandmother listened all the time, and Lily had loved it the moment she heard it when she was young because it sounded like a lullaby, though she didn’t understand what the man was singing, she adored the sad and soft piano melody behind. Later, she learnt how to play it and of course, she taught it to Misha who loved the song too.

Today, she could understand the lyrics, and when she heard Renaud starting singing, she couldn’t help the tears, and she couldn’t stop crying, even when the song ended.

_Nobody has the right to cry on Christmas day!_

She quickly shook her head to regain composure and clicked on the video file. What a mistake she did there! It was full of short clips of her with her family for several events, birthdays, Christmas, school events, everybody was here: her grandparents, her mom and dad, Ryan, Rebecca, Misha, Sasha, everybody was so happy, or so in love, dancing, laughing, screaming, playing, eating… hearing their voices after so long was torture.

That was too much to handle. She remembered all those things, but she had carefully stocked those memories in a corner of her mind so it would stop hurting so much after she lost everything. But now, watching these on Christmas Eve, alone in fucking **AUSTRIA** , when Misha and his family, and Katie were at the other side of the ocean, it was just unbearable for her.

She shut her laptop, threw everything back in the capsule angrily, took her phone and without thinking, pressed the call button near Misha’s name. She just needed to hear his voice a few seconds and she would feel better. She needed to know how he reacted when he opened the time capsule on his own. Was it hard for him to? Or was he happy about it?

He picked up quickly.  
“Is it Christmas in Austria yet?”

 _FUCK! Time difference_ … What time was it in Seattle right now? She thought fast, afraid she would wake him up or disturb him in an inappropriate moment. Fortunately, it must’ve been 3pm where he was so she sighed in relief.

“Almost.” She replied with a low shaky voice.  
“Wow, Lily, are you okay? You sound weird.”  
She couldn’t hide it from him, could she?  
She cleared her throat.  
“I just opened our time capsule.”

She could hear kids screaming and laughing behind him, and dishes clattering in the back.  
“Is it a bad time?”  
“No, no, wait a second…”  
She could hear him walk and when she heard the sound of a door closing, the screams disappeared with all the other noises in his house.

“Alright I’m in my office, we won’t be disturbed. So the package arrived already? I’m glad! I didn’t know if it would be on time.”  
“Yes… when did you come back to dig it out?”  
“Last day of our trip, after you left.”  
“Oh you mean when you promised you wouldn’t go back inside the house on your own?”  
“Exactly, and I didn’t. That’s why I went to the pond to dig it out.”

Right… they buried it near their tree of course.

“We were supposed to dig it out together.”  
“When we’d turn thirty, yeah, but we’re almost forty and you’re in Europe so what could I do? Wait ten more years? Don’t you think we’ve wasted enough time already?”

She went to look out her window absentmindedly. It was still snowing, and no one was outside.  
“Yeah.”  
“So did you have a good laugh? I sure did!”

So that was his reaction… he laughed. Well she did too at first.  
“I did. And then I didn’t.”  
She paused but Misha stayed quiet.  
“When we put all those things inside it, I was far from imagining everything would be gone the day I’d reopen it.” Her voice started shaking again.  
“I’m not gone. You are though.” Misha replied in his low and sad voice.

Silence again.

“Do you like it there?”

Did she? She’d been in Vienna for two weeks, and it already felt like two years. Her job was great for sure, but the loneliness was so heavy!  
“I can’t communicate, I live in a tiny apartment, it’s cold and I’m alone…”  
“So no…”  
“I don’t know. I like my job, but starting a new life for the second time is scary.”  
“It was your choice, Lily. All of it. I told you not to go, and if you hadn’t been so scared, I could even be with you right now.”

And not be with his kids for Christmas? Sure what a dream! She would certainly not feel bad about that! Why did he always have to make her feel like crap?

“You think I called to hear you say I do nothing right in my life and I can’t take a freaking decision, Mister Perfection?”  
She heard him sigh. She was mean and unfair because he was right, but she didn’t want to admit it, not even to herself.

“Why did you call then?”  
Clearly he knew why, and that was exactly what he wanted to hear. But she couldn’t say it, could she?  
“I told you, I just opened the capsule and I saw all of our memories and…” She paused, not knowing how to finish the sentence without sounding nostalgic.  
“And?” Misha insisted. He knew perfectly what she wanted to say, he needed to hear it so bad!

Of course she didn’t.  
“And it was fun at first, but then I plugged the flash drive in and I listened to our songs, and I watched the videos of my familyandnowI’mlosingit.”  
She held her tears back for too long, now she couldn’t anymore.

She heard Misha taking a deep shaky breath.  
“What do you think it did to me?”  
“You… you said you had a good laugh.”  
“I did at first too. What you’ve lost, I lost too, Lily. The consequences were not the same for me, sure, but it really felt like losing half of my family too, and my plans for the future along with it.”

Holy shit he was supposed to make her feel better but she cried even more.  
“I’m sorry” she managed to say between sobs.  
“For what? Damn it, Lily! You gave me and my family everything we needed back then, and much more. I was happy! WE were happy. I’m grateful for it, you should be too. Stop living in the past and move on.”

He said it a little too loud making it sound a bit rude, but he really wanted her to react.  
She was now crouched down in front of the warm radiator, still weeping.

“ **STOP!** Just stop it. I shouldn’t have called. Have a merry Chris-”  
“Don’t you dare hang up the damn phone!”  
She heard the urge in his voice so she didn’t hang up, but she stayed silent.  
“It could be so much easier for both of us if you’d only let me back in your life.”

She sat on the floor and hugged her knees with one arm, her back still stuck on the old radiator, but she still said no word.  
Misha scoffed and chuckled “What a stubborn brat you are. Why won’t you say it?”

_Damn it._

“Say what?”  
“You know what. Don’t play innocent. I know exactly why you called. Did you open what Vicki sent by the way?”

Crap! She completely forgot about that thing! It must be a Christmas card or something anyway.  
“Yeah I did.”  
He ironically laughed. “No you didn’t. You wouldn’t call me and cry on the phone remembering our childhood if you’d had seen it.”

What the hell did she send her? Now she was curious.  
She sighed “Fine. I didn’t. I will when you let me hang up the damn phone!”  
“You’re not allowed to hang up until you tell me why you really called.”

He wouldn’t let go, would he?  
“Jesus and I’m the stubborn one? Who did you want me to call after opening that thing?”  
“Say it. Please.”

A few seconds of deep silence went by, and when she understood he wouldn’t say another word before she admitted the truth, she resigned.  
“I miss you.”

Finally! Misha sighed and closed his eyes.  
“Was it so hard?”  
“Yes.” She said between sobs. “What’s the point, uh? What did you want to prove with that? That you were right? You have tons of girls around the planet who miss you everyday but you needed one more to score?”  
He scoffed and shook his head.  
“Are you done? I can’t believe you said that. You’re mad at yourself, not at me, so calm down and just admit it. When you’ll see that clearly, maybe we can have a real conversation.”

One more sob: “I hate it here… I wanna go back to Seattle so bad.” Her face was a mess, her mascara was all over her cheeks, she had bitten her lower lip, and snot was coming down her nose… what a pathetic show!  
“Then pack your stuff and come back, or stay and take your life back, but stop crying over it, that won’t lead you anywhere! And by the way, I miss you two, but do you at least care about that?”

He was right… again. She needed to do something about it. She didn’t know what yet, but she would definitely take the right decision for once, instead of fleeing like always.

“You don’t miss me, Misha. You miss the girl I was when I was sixteen. I’m not that girl anymore. You can’t have that back. And when I think about it, maybe I just miss the old you too after all.” She sniffed.  
“Thank you, Dr Freud, but unlike you, I know exactly what I want, and I told you when we were in Northfield. You declined because you were scared, that’s it. Don’t twist it your way. The girl I loved is still here, I’ve seen her somewhere under the thick layers of depression hiding her right now. She's broken but it's fine, I'm broken too. I can bring her back if she lets me, but for that she needs to trust me.”

What the hell was she supposed to answer to that?  
“Do you need me to fly to Austria to prove it?”  
“WHAT? No! No, stay with your kids, it’s Christmas for God’s sake! Just… I’ll get better. I’m depressed because it’s my first Christmas alone but, I’ll manage it. Promise.”

He chuckled. “Alright.”  
She heard someone knocking on his door.  
“You should go, they’re waiting for you.”  
“It’s just West who wants to know who I’m talking to. Do I tell him I’m speaking to the woman who promised to play piano with him?”

 _Thank you, Misha, one more reason to feel bad_. She completely forgot about that too… What a good mom she would be if she had kids.  
“Don’t you dare! I’m going to hang up. Just go.”  
“Okay. Merry Christmas, Lily. Let me know what you decide.”  
“Sure. Merry Christmas, Misha. And… Thank you.”

She looked at her clock; it was now officially Christmas here.  
“You’re welcome. Love ya.”  
“Bye.” She replied before hanging up.

She sighed and went to look at herself in the bathroom mirror. What a sad sight she was right now! She washed her face and changed into her pajamas before going back on her sofa to clean her stuff, when her eyes found Vicki’s message. It was time to face it…

She opened the envelop and started reading.

_Dear Lily,_

_We don’t know each other very well, even if I have the feeling you’ve always been here. When I first met Misha, he was a very depressed young man who lost everything, you included, and I swore I would not let him fall. He didn’t deserve that. Today I’m proud to say I succeeded._

_When he came back from Northfield a few months ago, I’ve seen a glimpse of that depressed boy again and I didn’t like it. He explained to me what happened and I want you to know that I totally understand, and I also know he still loves you. He actually never stopped, and I was okay with that too._

_When we planed to get married years ago, I told him I would do it only if he could write a letter to you and give it to me the day before the wedding, without worrying about me reading it. Whatever would be in the letter, I would accept it because it’s a part of him. I’ve learned in psychology class it’s an efficient exercise to move on after you lost someone you deeply loved._

_He did so, and I think this letter needs to be yours now._

_Whatever you decide after that, stick with it and be sure you can trust him (but you probably know that already), and you can trust me. I’ll ask only one thing of you: Don’t play with his feelings, and don’t forget he’s also a dad now. (Okay, that’s two things…)_

_Merry Christmas,_  
_Vicki._

 

Lily expected everything but this. What a mature woman Vicki was… How wrong was she to believe she was mad at her and Misha for what happened in Northfield!  
Reading that letter made her feel much better already.

But then… she found the letter from Misha, and she was scared to open it. He wrote a letter to her dead self? That was… weird. Dr Dorville asked her to do the same for every member of her family, and every person who died in the fire. She never did… It was too hard, and too weird for her. Maybe if she had, she would’ve avoided a lot of mood swings and depression phases. Thing is, you usually have to burn the letter afterwards, but seriously... her whole life burnt in a fire, how could she possibly burn those letters anyway?

She unfolded it with shaky hands and took a deep breath.

 

 _Lily,_  
_I’ve looked at that piece of paper for hours without even being able to find a good way to start. I’ve wondered how you would want me to call you, and since you’ve never liked ridiculous sweet names, I figured your beautiful nickname would be enough._

_I don’t even know where to start… I don’t know if I will be able to do this._

_Someone asked me to write to you today, because tomorrow is an important day in my life, and you’re not here to share it with me as we planned. You've been gone for twelve years already, and it still feels like it was yesterday._  
_Tomorrow, I’m marrying another woman, and no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I still feel like I’m cheating on you, like I’m betraying our promise, and I don’t know if I will ever stop hating myself for this._

_I love her, and you would probably like her too if you knew her. Sometimes she manages to make me feel as good as I felt when I was with you. But you have to know one thing: no matter what will happen next, no matter how much I love Vicki, wherever you are right now, just know I will NEVER stop loving you. I just can’t, and no one could ever replace you._

_I also need to thank you, and no word can express how grateful I am towards you (and your whole family, but that's another subject for another letter). You truly made my life better in every way possible. You made me stronger, more confident, and I've never been as happy as I was when I was living in Northfield with you by my side everyday. That's why I wanted it to last forever, but I guess you don't always have what you wish for all the time... They say everything happens for a reason... I really doubt I can find a good reason why you were taken away from me.  
_

_I will always dream about what life could’ve been with you by my side, and I will always treasure our memories together. Mom tells me all the time it was destiny, but even if I want to believe it, I still can’t deal with the fact I will never see you again. I still hate waking up in the morning without your body against mine, without seeing your face lighting up my day, without your kisses making me feel alive._

_And boy did you make me feel alive, and loved. You even managed to make me feel normal, we both know it’s close to a miracle, right? I was where I belonged with you and your family, and for that, I want to thank you._

_But if Vicki taught me one thing, it’s that being normal sucks somehow, and I believe she’s right. So we will be not normal together now, and I really hope you can see I’m not doing it to forget about you. No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to forget about you, about us. And if one day I have kids, I won’t be surprised to try to think about what they would’ve looked like if you'd been their mother._

_I couldn’t start writing and now I can’t stop… I feel like if I stop, you’ll go for good, and that’s not a pleasant feeling._  
_But I need to. I need to go on with my life, and I really hope you’re in a nice place with your dad, your mom, Ryan and your grandfather. I wonder if you can hear me when I think about you._

_I tried to find your grandma… but nobody knows where she went, so I went to the cemetery, they buried you with your dad, but there is no name on your grave. It was depressing so I left. I’ll go back to the farm eventually._

_Anyway, here I am today, writing to my dead future wife because my actual future wife asked me to… can it be more confusing? But it does feel good in a way. It would feel even better if you could answer me, or send me a sign so I can know for sure you agree with this, but you can’t, so I will take a shot and assume you’d want me to try and be happy._

_And still… my heart can’t comprehend you’re not the person I will spend the rest of my life with. Mom says it will get better with time, but it's been so long already and it still hurts._

_Alright… I think it’s time to go now. Do I have to tell you again how much I miss you and how much I love you? I suppose you know it, but no one can hear it too much, right?_

_Just, remember #10 on our prediction list (which is half crap already, considering): Whatever happens, wherever we are, we will be together and love each other forever. I think this is the only prediction that will turn out to stay true._

_With all my love,_  
_Your Misha._

 

And she had thought she couldn’t cry harder today… How can someone stay dry reading this? Her heart broke in million pieces, and all she wanted right now was to take the first flight and go back to Misha and never let him go.

But she really had to calm down and think this through first.  
Don’t play with his feelings and remember he’s also a dad now.

She didn’t know what to do with her life yet, but she took her phone and sent Vicki a text message.  
“Thank you. Merry Christmas. Lily.”  
Nothing more, but she figured she would understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't laugh but... I teared up writing Misha's letter to Lily T_T


	20. Today Is The Day

 

 _**Northfield – June 9** _ _**th** _ _**1989** _

 

School should be illegal when it's warm and sunny outside.

Lily couldn't concentrate, the only think she could think about was going outside, anywhere but between walls. The park would be great, it must be so beautiful right now, wild life taking its rights back after a long and cold winter. Spring was her favorite season; The trees becoming greener and greener, the smell of pollen, the warm sun kissing her skin, flowers blooming... she would kill to go near the waterfall just to blow on dandelions.

She could at least make a wish, and if she could wish something, she would wish Misha was here. But he was far away, gone to Washington because his mother had a new boyfriend there. She hadn't seen Misha since December, and it was torture. He and his family left soon after Christmas, and since that day, everytime Lily walked pass the cottage, a piece of her heart died seeing it so empty and lifeless.

Was it possible to miss someone that much? Was she normal? And who knows what he was doing when he was so far away... He could meet anyone, and fall for another girl, and he would forget about her, and she would never see him again. After all they were not officially together, they haven't told anyone about their friendship turning into something romantic, nobody knew about that, they were hiding it to their families and friends, probably because it was something they didn't understand quite well yet, or maybe was it something not serious? It was for her, but she had no idea if Misha was sharing this feeling.

Before he left, he promised Lily he would wait for her, but who knew if their relationship was strong enough to beat the distance and the times apart?

“Miss Hagen? Would you like to share your little daydream session with the class? Considering the look on your face it must be exciting. Are you at your birthday party already?”

Every student turned to look at her, which of course made her blush furiously. It was indeed her birthday today, and she had planned a party for tonight. Her math teacher knew about it because his daughter was a friend and she was invited.

“Sorry Mister Anderson.” She simply replied, finding her math book very interesting all of a sudden.

She had to be patient twenty more minutes, then she would be free to finally go to the park for a walk before going back home and get everything ready for the party.

And those were the longest twenty minutes ever, but when the bell finally rang, she almost jumped from her seat and rushed out.

“Hey birthday girl! Wait for me!” her friend Sara called, almost running to catch her. Lily stopped in front of her locker and opened it to put her stuff inside.

“Where are you running to so fast? Your party is in four hours only!”

“I wanna go to the park first, have you looked outside? The weather is so nice I almost feel like I have wings growing on my back.”

Sara laughed “Is that what you were dreaming about during math class?”

“Yeah. I couldn't wait to be out of here.”

That was a lie, but she didn't want to share too much with her, right now she just wanted to go. She closed her locker and walked towards the main exit with Sara. When she got out of the building, she froze at the top of the stairs and looked straight ahead.

“What's going on? I thought you wanted to get out of here and now you're not moving?” Sara pressed.

 

Misha was standing near the bus stop, leaning back against the fence, patiently waiting with his arms crossed. Lily thought she had an hallucination first, but when Misha saw her staring at him, he straightened up and he gave her a wide and brightful smile before starting to walk towards the stairs.

“I'll see you tonight, Sara.”

Lily walked down the stairs, slowly first, but as Misha was getting closer she sped up more and more until she was almost running. They met at the bottom of the stairs, falling in each other's arms.

“Happy birthday, Lily. I missed you.” Misha purred in her ear, and if he hadn't held her, she probably would've melted into a puddle.

She hugged him even tighter.

“I missed you too. When did you come back?”

“Two hours ago. We drove for two days.”

She broke the hug to look at him but kept her hand on his shoulder.

“Look at you! Have you worked out or something?”

He was indeed more muscular and tanned, he had cut his long blond hair, and she found he looked absolutely gorgeous.

He laughed, obviously very amused.

“Sawing huge trees will do that to you.”

“Oh. Well, you'll tell me everything on the way, I was going to the park.”

She took his hand and led him in the right direction. They talked and walked holding hands until they reached the spot they loved so much near the waterfall, under the trees. They both sat cross-legged on the grass facing each other.

Misha looked at her transferring all her hair on one shoulder and smiled tenderly.

“So... do I have to beg to have a kiss or did you just move on while I was away?”

Oh... so apparently he still wanted this too.

“You're the one who went to a big city full of beautiful girls, I should be the one asking that question.” she shyly replied.

“Didn't I promise I would wait for you?”

“Yes... you did, but...”

“But what? You think I lied? Is that all the trust you have in me?”

He didn't sound mad, he sounded disappointed in her, and that was even worse.

She felt so stupid right now, and so ashamed! She should've known Misha wasn't that kind of guy.

“Misha... I don't wanna fight. I'm so sorry.” she looked down and played with a blade of grass.

He took her hand to make her stop and lifted her chin so she would look at him in the eyes.

“May I kiss you now, miss Hagen?”

She smiled at him and bit her lower lip.

“You may, Mister Krushnic.”

He didn't wait any longer. He knelt in front of her and gently pressed his lips on hers.

Oh God how she missed him! It felt like breathing again after spending months underwater. She was so eager to feel more than she broke the kiss to place her legs on each side of his thighs and sit. Misha looked up at her, she took his face in her hands and kissed him again, this time opening her mouth to give him full access.

It felt so good that she almost thought about asking him to go home to her room where they would be free to do more than that, but they had never talked about it before so she didn't and kept kissing him with passion, proving him how much she'd missed him.

Misha couldn't help it... she was wearing a skirt and was straddling his laps devouring him, how could he resist after months dreaming about being with her? His hands traveled along her thighs and plunged under her skirt to end their way on her butt.

 It didn't stop her in her task, she didn't broke the kiss. She was still exploring his mouth with her tongue, her hands were in his hair, and the more he squeezed, the fiercer she became.

Misha wasn't long to react either, and when Lily felt his obvious arousal between her legs, she stopped kissing and looked at him with lust.

That was something she'd never felt before, but she sure liked it a lot! Just thinking she was the one provoking that reaction in him drove her wild, so she decided to help a little, and she started to sway on his thighs, still staring in his eyes.

When Misha felt her moving against him, he almost lost it and shut his eyes tight, letting a moan accidentally slip out of his mouth. Lily had a devilish look on her face and moved a little faster against his jeans, now staring into his eyes, feeling her panties getting wetter and wetter.

He opened his eyes when he heard her weak moan, and seeing her like that on his laps felt like heaven. His hands were still on her ass, but he wanted to taste more of her, so he kissed a spot on her neck, right under her ear, and she moaned again, this time a little louder. He traveled to her jaw line to leave wet kisses, and she took his face in her hands again, caressing his cheeks with her thumbs and now panting in his mouth.

Lily was desperate to feel more pressure, so she pressed her body harder against his. She never stopped swaying her hips and was now moaning over and over again, trying not to be too loud because they were outside in a public place. Misha gasped when he felt he couldn't hold it anymore, he gripped her ass hard, buried his head on the crook of her neck and came in his pants.

When Lily realized what she did to him, she came too, biting her own fingers so she wouldn't scream, as good as it felt.

She stopped moving but stayed on him. They were both catching their breath, hugging each other.

“Welcome back.” Lily said out of breath.

Misha chuckled, trying to regain composure, but he was almost seeing stars.

“I was the one supposed to give you a birthday present.”

“You just did.” She looked at him and left a quick peck on his lips.

“I'll have to stop by the cottage to change or your mom is going to kill me when she sees me with my pants like that.”

Lily burst out laughing. She certainly didn't think about that.

“Don't worry I will tell her you were so happy to see me again that you peed, like our dog!”

It was Misha's turn to laugh, but he deflated when she asked her next question.

“Will you stay this time?”

He lost his smile, unable to reply and just looked at her. When Lily understood what his sad look meant, she moved back to sit on the grass again and smoothed down her skirt.

“How much time do we have?” she asked sadly.

Misha looked down and swallowed.

“I don't know. Mom wanted to come back because she misses your family, but she didn't say how long. I'm assuming just a few weeks since she will probably miss her boyfriend soon.”

Lily took a deep and long breath, obviously trying to hide her disappointment but failing miserably.

“I hate it as much as you do, Lily. I love this place and I feel at home, but she's my mother... what can I do?”

She gave him a weak smile.

“Nothing... I get it, Misha. Really. It's okay. Just... It's harder and harder everytime you leave. And I have to admit I hate being away from you for so long.”

Misha took her hand and stood up so she followed his lead. He took her other hand in his too and stepped closer to leave a sweet kiss on her lips.

“But I'm here right now. Can we please enjoy the moment? We'll deal with that later.”

She smiled weakly. “Sure... we have a birthday party to attend.”

Misha nodded and they both walked away from the park, ready to party with their friends for the night, pretending everything was alright.

 

 

 

*****************************

 

 

“ _Misha, I'm staying in Austria for a year.... at least.”_

 

After their phone conversation for Christmas, Misha had asked her to call him to know what she wanted to do, and that's what Lily decided. She had this great opportunity, she didn't want to screw it up, and she thought being away from him long enough would set things right.

As hard as it was for Misha, he respected her decision as best as he could. She never said it on the phone, but he knew what it meant: she wanted to move on and she didn't want him back in her life, at least not the way _he_ wanted to be back. Who knows? Maybe she would even meet someone and fall in love in Europe. He hated the idea, but he couldn't forbid her to live her life as she wanted. As long as she was happy, he could deal with it.

 

Life went on pretty fast after that. Misha had his job and his family, Lily had her job too, and a new life to live. They called each other a lot, they also met a couple times a year when Misha traveled to Europe for conventions, and that was fine. No more drama, not so much tears, no guilt for Lily. She was in peace knowing he was happy taking care of the ones he loved, and that was the most important thing to her.

They never spoke about their past relationship again, not even on the phone, not even with their closest friends.

 

 

 

 

**THE END**

 

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(I'm kidding!)

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**April 2015, Vancouver – Canada.**

 

Lily decided to go back to America in the beginning of 2015, after spending another Christmas away from the ones she loved the most. She made new friends in Vienna, but she missed Katie terribly, Misha too of course, and she was dying to see Rebecca and Sasha again.

It took her some time, more than a year had past, but at the beginning of spring 2015 she was finally back in her old apartment in Seattle, and she hadn't been happier in a long time. Katie and her had time to catch up, and Lily was very surprised to learn she was now dating David, her ex coworker and friend. When she thought about it, it was true they were always hanging out together even after work, it was just a matter of time they'd fall in love with each other, and Lily was very happy to hear that two of her best friends were now a couple.

She didn't tell Misha she was back in Seattle, and she told Katie to stay quiet about it too. Katie's first reaction was to jump and scream at Lily with fierce, but she calmed down and accepted the deal when Lily told her she just wanted to surprise him after work just as he did when they were young and he was going back from a trip with his family. She had to promise Katie she would take her or at least film his reaction of course.

 

That's how she ended up in Vancouver in April 2015, with a little help from the Supernatural cast and crew. They had pretended to have fake interviews for today, Misha was supposed to come in the meeting room with Jared and Jensen after filming an episode to answer some questions for TV Guide, and from what she'd heard from Jensen, he didn't suspect anything weird, which was great.

She was watching outside through the window and sipping on her water bottle when Jensen texted her.

_J: We're on our way, hope you're ready._

She smiled and texted back with a single “ _Yep_ ” before turning around and sit at the table, pen and paper in her hand, Katie's glasses on her nose, pretending to be a journalist. That was kinda fun!

Her heartbeat quickened when she heard voices laughing in the hallway. She recognized Jared's mischievous laugh so she knew it was them.

When the door opened, she saw someone she didn't know first, probably a crew member or something. Misha was right behind turning his phone off and pocketing it in his pants, still in his Castiel clothes, bruises and blood everywhere on his face, followed by Jared and Jensen, both dressed as Sam and Dean too as they just ended filming for the day.

She had a brief moment of panic when she saw all the blood on his clothes and all the wounds distorting his face, but she quickly shook her head, knowing it was just make up.

She steeled herself and talked first.

“Ready for your interview, mister Collins?” Lily asked seriously, tapping her fingers on the table, her legs crossed, faking an annoyed look on her face.

Misha's head flew up from his pocket when he heard the sound of her voice, and it took him a few seconds to realize it was her sitting at the end of the table.

“ _ **Lily???**_ ”

“That's my name.” She boldly replied standing up.

Misha didn't wait any longer, walked towards her and took her in his arms for a tight hug, which she accepted and hugged back happily, sliding her arms under his jackets layers, not caring one second about the fake blood tainting her white shirt.

“God, it's so good to see you! What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, his mouth too close from her neck, sending shivers in her spine. She pulled back from him to look at his tired face.

“I have something to tell you, and I didn't want to do it over the phone so... surprise!”

She was a little taken aback when she saw Misha's reaction. He paled and his smile disappeared all of a sudden. He sat down and played with the water bottle nervously.

“Oh? What's going on? You're getting married to a famous Austrian musician?”

She laughed internally, thinking about the exact same reaction she had twenty six years ago when Misha came back from Washington. Maybe she should toy a little and see if he remembered...

 

But first, she had to give Jensen and Jared a big hug for helping her, and that's exactly what she did.

“Thank you guys. I owe you one.” She winked.

“No problem. That was fun, now you should talk to him before he liquefies.

She laughed and turned to look at Misha who was now sipping on the water bottle, a very annoyed look on his face. Jared and Jensen left the room, leaving Misha and Lily alone. She sat next to him and crossed her arms.

“A famous Austrian musician uh? You're the one always surrounded by beautiful girls, I should be the one being sarcastic.” she proudly replied.

Misha frowned, not quite understanding why she was saying this.

“Well...yeah I suppose you could but-”

“But what? Is that all the trust you have in me?” She insisted, leaning closer to him and staring directly at his tired blue eyes.

That made something click in his brain, remembering her fifteen's birthday when he came back and surprised her. He raised his eyebrows and a delicious smirk appeared on his face.

All he wanted to answer now was _“May I kiss you now, Miss Hagen?”,_ to show her he remembered and stick with the memory, but he couldn't, knowing it would make things awkward again and she didn't want that, so he changed the subject.

“Can you tell me what's going on now or do I have to torture you?” He simply said, and with that she knew he remembered.

“I'm back in Seattle for good. In my old apartment.”

Misha's eyes widened. “What? You quit your job in Austria?”

“Yes. It was great, really, but I missed America too much. Plus I'm tired of speaking German.”

He scoffed “Is that all you missed? America?”

“Oh no, of course I missed Katie very much.”

She didn't know what was going on with her, but she couldn't stop teasing him, and he was so tired from his day that it was super easy.

He rolled his eyes and lolled his head back.

“You'll be the death of me, Elise Hagen!”

She laughed “Alright, alright, maybe I missed you too just a little.” She gave up, feeling a little guilty.

“Did you get your job back with the Seattle Symphony?”

Lily snorted “No, that's not possible, but Ludo calls me sometimes to play for some concerts. As long as it's not a permanent contract it's all fine. I actually started to teach piano and violin, that's my official job now, and I have to say I love it.”

His face lightened.

“That's amazing! I was wondering when you would finally use your grandfather's pedagogue gene!”

“I'm not sure I'm as good as my grandfather when it comes to teach, but I really enjoy it and the kids are great. For once I even feel like I took the right decision.”

Misha smiled once again.

“Where are you staying?”

“Victorian Hotel downtown.”

“Alright, check out. You're coming with me for the weekend.” He said while standing up in a rush and taking her hand so she would follow.

“What? Where are we going?”

“Home!”

“You mean your home? In Bellingham?”

“Yep! And it's not a suggestion, it's an order.”

She didn't reply. She was too shocked and embarrassed. She wanted to scream _“With your wife and kids???”_ , but she couldn't, she didn't want the situation to become awkward. But really... how can it be more awkward and embarrassing if she stayed at his place the whole weekend?

 

 

**********

 

“I've got this” Misha said taking her suitcase from her hands.

They were officially arrived at his place after a short flight, and Lily was terrified to come inside.

“Are you going to sleep on the front porch?” Misha called from the entry.

 _I guess not,_ she thought walking forward. The first thing she saw when she entered his house was the huge drawing on the wall, framed with wood.

She pointed her finger at it “Is that... ?”

Misha turned around to look at what she was doing.

“The old sugar maple from the orchard, yes. Thank god the cottage didn't burn so I got my drawings back. I couldn't leave it.”

She walked further inside his house, observing everything around her. There was a weird déjà-vu vibe in this house. He kept a lot of items from the cottage in Northfield to put in his house, she even saw the big bear her grandfather carved.

“You went back to take the huge bear?”

“Told you I would. Sasha helped.”

As it was very late already, the house was unsurprisingly quiet.

“Is everyone sleeping?” she whispered, afraid to wake anyone up.

“Probably. Or maybe Vicki's out, I don't know. We will know soon enough. I'm gonna make some tea, want some?”

Lily kept looking everywhere, touching every bit of wood she could find. It was truly a beautiful house, and she could almost feel at home with all those items from her past.

“Um, sure. Did you make all of this?”

“Pretty much, yes.”

she scoffed “I'm impressed.”

“Why would you be? Your grandfather taught me, I just carried on.”

When tea was ready, Misha opened the french-window, turned on the light and got out on the patio.

Lily followed him outside, once again amazed by what she was seeing.

“Well, I have to admit you did a wonderful job.”

He smiled at her. “Thanks. Have a sit.”

As soon as she sat down with Misha on the comfy armchairs and took a sip of her tea, she heard a little sleepy voice behind her.

“Daddy?”

She turned to look behind her and saw a barefoot West standing in his pajamas, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

“West! What are you doing up? It's 2am!”

“I heard noise.” he walked towards Misha and climbed on his laps to give him a hug.

Lily couldn't help but smiled at this cute sight.

“You should go back to bed, Westy.”

“Is Lily staying here?”

She was very surprised he remembered her, they only met a few times before she left to Austria and he was very little.

“For the weekend, yes. I'll take you to bed now.”

“I'll do it. Hi Lily.” they heard Vicki say.

 

Oh no.... She wasn't ready, _**SHE WASN'T READY!!** _

She hadn't seen Vicki for a very long time, and the last interaction she had with her was that text message she sent thanking her after she read her letter for Christmas, and Vicki never answered back.

She stood up to greet her anyway.

“Hi Vicki. Sorry we woke you up.”

Vicki walked closer and hugged her. “It's okay I wasn't sleeping, I was just reading waiting for Misha.”

Of course she was waiting for her husband to come home! She certainly had plans for tonight! She probably just wanted to be alone with him after a week without seeing him, she probably wanted to fuck her husband and Lily was here like an intruder!

Lily felt sick but she had to shake that thought out of her mind or she would run away again.

“Come on, West. Say goodnight and we're going back to bed now. No discussion.” Vicki ordered.

West frowned and pouted but gave a kiss to his dad without protesting. He then walked towards Lily and looked up, obviously waiting for her to lean down. She was taken aback once more but didn't want to upset anyone, so she crouched down and hugged West who gave her a little peck on the cheek.

“'Night Lily! Will we play piano tomorrow?” He asked with his tiny sleepy voice.

He was five years old now, and when Lily took him in her arms, he was so nice, so cute with that little spark of mischief in his eyes, it almost felt like she was hugging her little brother again and she almost lost it. She had to swallow and take a deep breath to keep composure. He had an incredible memory too, or maybe Misha kept talking about her to him, she didn't really know.

“Goodnight, sweetheart. Sure we will.”

She stood back up and looked at Misha smiling at her.

“What?”

He shook his head “Nothing, just... nothing.” he lost his smile and sat back on the armchair to finish his tea.

“He's cute.”

“I know, but don't be fooled by his cute face, he's a tornado when he's with other kids.”

She scoffed and looked down. “Thanks for the heads up.”

Misha frowned and put his cup on the coffee table.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, I just... for a second it felt like holding Ryan, I guess I'm just tired, forget about it.” she nervously laughed, shaking her head.

Misha stood up and crouched down in front of her, leaving a quick kiss on her forehead in the process.

“You wanna go to sleep?”

“Yes.” it sounded almost like a plead.

“Okay, follow me.”

He grabbed her wrist and walked inside, took her suitcase and they both climbed the stairs to the spare room.

“If you need anything, I'll be right across the hallway.”

“Fantastic, close enough to hear every sound coming out of the marital bedroom.”

That came out too fast, without Lily even thinking about it, and she regretted it the moment it slipped out of her mouth.

“I'm sorry… Like I said, I'm really, _really_ tired.” she apologized, but she would probably be sick to hear a single sound anyway.

Misha sighed “I thought you were okay with all of this by now.”

“I am. Goodnight, Misha.” she quickly turned around to open her suitcase on the bed.

“You _do_ know I just need a word from you to stay in _this_ room tonight if that's what you want, right?”

_Sure, Misha, let's fuck in your house while your wife and kids are sleeping next door._

“Just go, Misha.” she closed her eyes, faking rummaging in her stuff to find something.

He didn't answer anything and closed the door behind him.

 

Being here was a _terrible_ idea.

 

***

 

The spring sun was already high in the sky when Lily woke up the next morning. She stretched in the bed before going to the bathroom to take a quick shower and get dressed.

When she got out in the hallway, she heard kids laughing and screaming, meaning everyone was home and fully awake.

She took a deep breath and climbed the stairs down. She needed coffee and now!

When she stepped in the kitchen, Vicki was cooking lunch already. The kids were outside playing, and she couldn't see Misha.

“Oh hey, Lily! I'm gonna assume you slept well considering it's 1pm already” Vicki chuckled.

“Yes, thanks. I was exhausted.”

“Tea or coffee?”

“Ugh coffee, thank you, you're my hero.” she joked, thankful for the mug Vicki was handing her. “Where's Misha?” she asked searching around.

“Gone to the grocery store. He'll be back soon.”

Lily nodded and carefully sipped on her hot coffee.

“Are we gonna pretend we don't need to talk about him?” Vicki asked nonchalantly while she was drying the dishes. She looked up to see a very disturbed Lily, frozen with her mug in her hands.

“I did receive your text message last year, I just thought we needed to have this conversation face to face. Don't you agree?”

 

 _**NO !!!!** _ her whole body screamed.

 

“Uh... There is nothing to talk about, really. I moved on.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yes!”

Vicki sighed and put the dishcloth down.

“Alright, so you have absolutely no problem staying here this weekend with all of us?”

“Absolutely not.” she lied.

“And you have no problem with me fucking my husband with you on the other side of the hallway?”

Lily gasped while she was drinking her coffee and almost choked.

Boy was she bold!

“Uh... He's your husband, you do what you want. Who am I to have a problem with that?”

“Oh, great, so I can make him moan as loud as I want to?”

 

_**WHAT THE FUCK ????????????** _

What the fucking fuck was happening? Lily made the mistake to unintentionally picture them in her mind and her brain was about to explode. She nervously looked outside to see if the kids where still busy playing, she bet hearing their mother saying those things wasn't an option.

But what was she supposed to answer to that? She felt sick just thinking about it, was she supposed to tell her the truth? That she hated the idea of Misha being with another woman? That she hated this situation? That the only person who was supposed to blow his mind was _HER_?

“Well you sure can stop this conversation first, because it's very inappropriate and it makes me uncomfortable.” she said honestly.

“No, I'm not stopping this conversation, you're in my house, so you will listen to what I have to say and answer me. With the _truth_.”

Maybe she was still sleeping and this was just a nightmare? That would be great to wake up now though.

“Look at me in the eyes and tell me you don't have feelings for Misha anymore.”

 

_Isn't it hot in here?_

 

“I... will always have feelings for him. He's an important part of my life, I can't just ignore that. But-”

“Can you look at me in the eyes and tell me without blinking you're a hundred percent okay with me being his wife and having sex with him, that you don't wish you're the only one he will ever be with?”

So much for showering a few minutes ago... Every single part of Lily's body was sweaty. If she could melt and disappear in the ground forever it would be heaven!

She needed to do this. She had to look in Vicki's eyes and tell her. She _HAD_ to protect his family!

She stared into Vicki's very intimidating gaze without blinking.

“I...” Lily started, but her voice broke, and she looked away.

Vicki walked around the counter and put her hand on Lily's shoulder.

“I asked you not to play with his feelings. Tell him the truth, please. I can't see him like that anymore. I will respect your choice, Lily, I promise, but you have to face it, and now is the the time to do it.”

Lily broke down crying, face buried in her hands.

“How can you possibly say that to me? How can you let him go just like that without fighting? How can you not hate me for this? And how can _YOU_ be okay with the fact I'm screwing _YOUR_ husband?”

Vicki sighed and sat on the bar stool next to Lily.

“Okay first, Misha's not the only one for me, he must've told you that already. And like I said, he was broken when I met him. Hell he still is! He originally planned to live his own life with _you_ by his side, not me. You were the love of his life and I've known this since the day I met him. The second he told me you ran into him at the airport that night, I knew our marriage was gone. Since it turns out you're still here, I would be more than happy to see him complete again. I love him enough for that. You've read his letter, you _know_ he will love you no matter what. He made his choice a long time ago when you came back in his life, we talked about it and I'm okay with it. What do _you_ really want, Lily?”

She looked at Misha's wife with awe. She really was an incredible woman!

“I want-”

“Don't tell me, tell him. Oh and... If you hurt him, I will find you.” she interrupted.

Okay... that was crystal clear at least. But Vicki wasn't done.

“And I asked you to remember he's also a father now. If you hurt one of my children, I _will_ kill you.”

Lily rubbed her face insistently. She couldn't believe the conversation she just had with Vicki. Well... that wasn't much of a conversation since she did all the talking, but it was so surreal she still had trouble believing she was actually awake.

“I need another coffee... or a whiskey.” Lily pleaded.

Vicki laughed and took her mug to pour some more coffee.

“Here you go.”

They heard the front door closing and Misha came in the kitchen with grocery bags.

“Morning sleepy head! Or should I say good afternoon.”

He put all the bags down on the counter and Vicki started to put everything away.

“Hey.” Lily simply replied, a little embarrassed knowing Vicki knew exactly how she felt about her husband.

“Right, no talking before coffee, I almost forgot” he joked. “Get ready everyone, I'm taking all of you to Whatcom falls Park today!” he screamed, walking outside to check on the kids who jumped everywhere.

Vicki looked at Lily with a smirk plastered on her face.

“What a great place to talk to someone without being disturbed.” she winked. “I'll keep the kids away. Just talk to him.”

She patted her on the shoulder and left to get ready, leaving a speechless and chocked Lily alone with her cup of coffee.

 

Today was _**the** _ day...

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... You know what's coming in next chapter, right?


	21. Truth

 

Whatcom Falls Park was truly a wonderful place.

They could see the huge stone bridge above the main fall from the parking area, and Lily was already stunned.

“Doesn't it remind you of Brook Park?” Misha asked proudly.

“A bigger version, yes. Is that why you brought me here?”

Misha lolled his head “It crossed my mind. Let's go.”

Vicki interrupted “How about I go by the bridge with the kids and you go by the creek with Lily and we meet at the large meadow?”

It made Misha frown, sensing something was up.

“Noooo I wanna stay with Daddy and Lily!” West protested.

“Daddy hasn't seen Lily in a long time, baby, they need to talk alone. We'll meet them later, promise.” Vicki looked at Misha and nodded.

Lily felt bad to leave them like that, she really liked West but she also really needed to talk with Misha who had no clue what was going on and had a very suspicious look on his face. She walked next to his son and crouched down.

“How about we do that and I'll take you to the theater later so we can have our first piano lesson?”

“YAY!” he jumped.

“Alright let's roll West!” Vicki called. “See ya at the meadow” she winked at Lily who smiled back shyly.

“What was that? Are you two plotting against me or something? I'm kinda scared, Vicki plotting is never good, but if she does it with you I'm definitely dead.” Misha raised an eyebrow.

Lily chuckled.

“How brave you are! I just need to talk to you in private. Let's walk.” she pressed starting to walk towards the trail.

“Great, now I'm terrified.” He laughed following her, but he kinda was for real.

 

They walked along the trail for a while, talking about Lily's year in Austria, or what she did when she got back in Seattle, they talked a bit about Misha's work too because Lily was always curious to learn about it since she didn't know that much. She had found Misha back two years ago and she still hadn't caught up on Supernatural. That was a _LONG_ show.

“How about we sit on that bench and you tell me what's going on?” Misha asked hopeful. It was getting on his nerves now, and the fact that his wife knew about it was even scarier.

“Misha, it's along the path where everybody pass by, I need somewhere we won't be interrupted. Come on.”

She walked a little faster, eager to be over with this. She knew what would his reaction be (or at least she thought she did), but she was still terrified about the future.

“Really? Is it so bad? Hey wait for me!” he almost ran to catch up with her.

 

A few minutes later, they arrived at the creek gorge in the middle of the forest.

“Oh my god it's gorgeous! That's something we don't have in Brooke Park!” Lily said and took her phone out to take some pictures.

“Follow me, paparazzi.” Misha joked and took her hand, leading her to a tiny meadow behind the creek, surrounded by huge trees. He thought she had stalled for too long already.

“You know, technically… if I’m alone you’re supposed to call me paparazzo becau-” she started to explain teasingly but Misha didn’t want to hear her babbling anymore so he interrupted her.

“Is that private enough for you? Will you finally tell me what's going on and end my misery?”

She could feel his nervousness and felt a little bad so she decided it was time to be brave.

“Okay.” She sat on a flat stone and Misha crouched down in the grass facing her.

“You _did_ meet someone in Austria, didn't you?” Misha ventured, hoping it would hurt less if he stated it first.

She scoffed. “Will you stop with that bullshit? I did _not_! I just... I actually had an interesting (and very awkward) conversation with Vicki this morning while you were at the grocery store.”

She stopped talking to take a deep breath. It was something to think about how she felt about him, but actually talk to him face to face was nerve wracking.

“Okay, for a start it doesn’t sound that bad... What did you two talk about?” Misha sounded relieved already.

“About you. Well... us.”

Misha cleared his throat, he knew Vicki's position about this so he could tell the conversation must've been a little tough for Lily, especially when she couldn’t understand everything his marriage with Vicki involved. One word caught his attention though.

“Us?”

She nervously put a red lock behind her ear. “Yes. She umm... she... she wanted to know if I was okay spending the whole weekend with her around since, you know, we have a past.”

“But you _are_ okay with it, ain't ya?”

“Yeah, sure, it's fine, I told her that.”

He squinted and scratched his head. “Alright I'm a bit lost. Is that it? You both are okay with it so I don't see the problem here. She wasn't mad, was she? It would be very surprising...”

Lily swiped her moist palms on her jeans.

“She was a little... because she thought I was lying.”

Misha frowned. “Were you?”

She swallowed and looked in his blue eyes. “Yes...?”

That's when she saw the sparkle of hope appearing in Misha's intense gaze.

“Lily, what are you saying exactly?”

_Alright, Lily, spit it!_

“She _very vividly_ made me realize that I _do_ hate the idea of you being with another woman and... well... she wanted me to tell you what I really want to do about it because she can't stand me hurting you any more. And I think she's right, you don't deserve this, I was a total ass with you, Misha… I’m sorry.”

A shaky breath escaped Misha's mouth when he took Lily's small hand in his.

“Do you at least _know_ what you _truly_ want?”

He started to think she was going to leave him behind again because she was scared and he wasn't quite ready to hear that.

“I’m… not exactly sure yet but… I know what I _don’t_ want for sure, and it scares me.”

Time slowed at that moment. Neither of them could speak further. Lily needed to tell him the truth, but once it would be done, everything would change and she didn't know if she could deal with it.

She took another deep breath and closed her eyes.

“I don’t want to be away from you anymore… and I don’t want to see you with any other woman, Misha. As much as I tried to convince myself that it was normal and that we both needed to move on, I just _can't_. What we've been through is too big to move on. I mean… Vicki is _truly_ an _amazing_ woman but… I hate the idea of her in your bed, I hate the image of you touching her and making love to her. It makes me sick, I can’t help it. I hate myself for being so selfish, but she told me she was okay with whatever I would say to you as long as I was honest so... here we are. This is the honest truth.”

Misha was still frowning and looking at her like he didn’t understand everything.

“So… are you saying this to me because you want me to end my relationship with Vicki and take her place?”

Hearing Misha asking this question so plainly made her guilt resurface, but the truth was deep down, in a corner of her heart she didn’t want to scratch too much, she wouldn’t mind if they’d break up.

“I have no right to ask this from you, and this is where it scares me. I don’t know if I could live with myself knowing _I am_ the reason you’d split with the mother of your children. I’m afraid my guilt would take over my feelings for you, and if _that_ happens, I would’ve broken your wonderful family for nothing and frankly I’d rather die.”

He huffed and looked down, her hand still in his and he squeezed a little, rubbing his thumb across her knuckles.

“Dear God please don’t die a second time, the first one was hard enough for me.” He joked to lighten the mood a little bit, but it didn’t work very well.

“Lily… Back in Northfield you looked at me in the eyes without blinking and told me you didn’t love me anymore…”

Oh right… she did that. _Congratulations_ _Lily you’re officially a monster!_

She couldn’t look at him anymore so she looked down at their intertwined fingers.

“You know very well it wasn’t true. You provoked me and I needed something strong enough to keep you away from me and near your family.”

Misha closed his eyes and sighed once more.

“I’m sorry Misha… I really thought you wanted me back only because we were there among our memories and you would regret everything that happened during that trip. My intention was never to hurt you. You know I would never try to hurt you intentionally, right?”

He nodded weakly and sank his gaze in hers again.

“I don’t regret any second of that trip, Lily. And today, almost two years later, I still can look at you and tell you the same things I said back there.”

He shook his head and huffed but never let go of her hands.

“Lily, we will turn forty this year, we’re not kids anymore… you can’t keep running away denying your feelings.”

“That’s why I’m here having this conversation with you... and despite our past, it’s heavily terrifying…”

“Don’t you trust me anymore? When you were sixteen you would’ve said ' _fuck everything_ ' and come with me wherever I would’ve gone without any question about the consequences. Can’t you do that anymore?”

“The consequences didn’t include kids when I was sixteen. You can’t compare.”

“Do you seriously think I would _ever_ take a decision that could hurt my children or any member of my family? I would never do that. I told you a million times I _know_ what I’m doing. You just lost your trust in me and in yourself along the way.”

Tears were forming in her eyes because it hurt to hear him say the truth but she tried to hold them back.

“How do I get it back? How do I take the right decision?” she asked weakly.

“You stop listening to your brain and you listen to your heart.” He replied immediately, full of confidence.

Misha knelt to be at eye level with her. He raised his hand to her face to wipe the single tear falling down her cheek and cupped her face afterward. Her immediate reaction was to lean in his warm hand, closing her eyes.

“I’m going to say it one more time: I love you, Lily, and that will never change. I am _devastatingly_ in love with you, Lily Hagen, and I hope you don’t doubt that a second.”

He paused a few seconds to put a lock of red hair behind her ear.

“I want you by my side permanently, I want you to be mine and of course I’m aware it will have consequences, but I don't care because I _know_ it will be okay. I would love to make you feel the same way. I know I can. Are you willing to trust me and let me try? Listen to your heart, Lily… what does it say? Do you want that?”

She bit her lower lip to stop the tears from falling but failed miserably. She couldn’t pretend she didn’t want it anymore, it was time to face her deepest fear.

“Yes I want that.” she shakily whispered through a sob.

Misha smiled fondly. _Finally she admitted it_!

He took her face in both hands, brushed his thumbs on her cheeks to dry her tears and leaned forward to kiss her slowly. She didn't resist, she let herself melt in his breath, and it felt so good that she had to shut her eyes tight.

Misha broke the kiss and looked at her tenderly.

“I really thought you would never admit it.”

She weakly laughed and put her hands above his on her neck.

“So what’s happening now?”

He could hear the fear in her voice.

“I'll tell you what we are going to do now. We're going to go to the meadow and meet Vicki and the kids, you take West to his piano lesson, and while you do that, I talk to Vicki. Then we'll spend the evening together, just you and me. How does it sound?”

“Not that scary... except maybe for the piano lesson if West is like you...” she declared with a smirk.

Misha laughed and stoop up, pulling at her hand. “You’ll find out soon enough, I won't spoil the surprise.”

She didn’t move and pulled her hand back.

“What about West and Maison?”

Misha frowned “What about them?”

“How are you going to explain that situation to your kids?” she pressed.

“Well that’s my problem. We’ll go slow and they’ll probably adjust little by little. If West asks questions I’ll be honest, Maison is too young to understand yet. Don’t worry about that.”

She nodded and stood up before wrapping her arms around his waist, resting her forehead on his chest. He hugged her back and tilted his head down a little bit to put his chin on her head.

“Listen… I don’t care how hard being together will be, Lily, nothing is worse than being apart.”

She looked up without breaking their embrace. She couldn't break it or she would probably fall, her legs felt like jelly after he said that to her. She had to agree with him on that point: being away from him was torture.

He leaned down and kissed her again, this time with more passion.

Lily reluctantly broke it a few seconds later.

“Shouldn't we go, now?”

“Probably yeah…”

But he took her face in his hands and kissed her again.

“Misha…” she managed to say when he pulled away to breathe.

“Alright, alright, let’s go then, if we _really_ have to.” He whined.

 

***

When they arrived at the large meadow, Vicki was sitting on a bench feeding Maison and West was playing with his kite near the lake. He forgot about it the second he saw his dad walking towards them. He ran to him and Misha took him in his arms before joining Vicki and Maison, followed by Lily.

“Did you two have a good talk?” Vicki asked curious.

“Very.” Misha simply answered, and a single look between them was enough for Vicki to understand.

Lily started to feel bad and very uncomfortable, but with a nod and a sincere smile, Vicki reassured her, and she was very grateful for that. She would never understand how that woman could be so wonderful, and she had trouble thinking Misha wanted to be with her more than he wanted to be with a very smart and mature woman like Vicki.

“Piaaaanooooo!” West screamed, jumping everywhere.

“Hey! Manners!” Misha grounded and the boy calmed down instantly.

Vicki stood up and put Maison back in the stroller.

“Alright everybody, let’s go!”

And with that, they all walked back to the car, talking about everything like nothing happened.

 

***

“No, West, you can’t play Beethoven right away it’s too complicated for you. You have to practice this one first.”

Lily still had access to music theatres thanks to Ludo who let her use her card even if she had no permanent contract with the Seattle orchestra anymore. After all, people at the front desk weren’t supposed to know and ask questions about it.

That’s why she managed to easily enter Bellingham theatre to practice a little with West who was dying to play like a piano prodigy already.

“But Daddy said this was the first song you taught him!” he whined.

“He was twelve, you’re five!”

But yeah… Misha was as eager and impatient as his son right now.

Lily sighed “Twinkle Twinkle is a great song, you know it by heart and it’s very easy to play, you’ll see.”

When he finally stopped complaining, she tried to actually make him play at least a few notes. That would be a victory.

“Okay, put both your thumbs here, on the white key.”

He did so and pressed the key so hard with both of his thumbs at the same time that the note resonated in the huge hall.

“ _ **Without**_ pressing on it yet!” she sighed again.

 _This will be a long_ _**long** _ _lesson…_

 

_***_

 

It was almost 9pm when Lily brought West back home. Truth was, she was so focused with the piano lesson that she didn’t check the time. She wanted West to be proud of himself and be able to show his parents how he could already play something after only one lesson, and he loved it so much that he could already play Twinkle Twinkle if he could stay focused for the whole piece, which was hard.

When she eventually looked at her phone, it was 8pm and they both were very hungry, so she took West out to eat burgers downtown before going back home.

Apparently, neither Misha nor Vicki was worried about Lily keeping their son for so long, because there was no message or missed calls on her phone.

West ran passed her when she pushed their front door, and she heard him scream with content when he found his parents in the living room watching some TV.

“I can play Twinkle Twinkle! I wanna show you, I wanna show you, I wanna show you!”

Lily stepped in the living room and saw him jumping on the couch, Misha trying to keep him down because Maison was asleep on her mother’s laps.

Of course it didn’t work and Maison woke up in a terrible cry so Vicki had to stand up and try to calm her down too.

“I thought after a day at the park and an intense piano lesson he would be tired… But I’m the one who’s exhausted.” Lily laughed, but it was true: today had been full on emotions for her and she couldn’t wait till she could collapse on her bed.

“I’m not surprised.” Vicki replied cheerfully while she rocked Maison back to sleep.

Misha stood up and took West by his hand. “I’ll help you with the kids.”

Vicki nodded and said goodnight to Lily before disappearing outside with Maison still in her arms.

“Where is she going?” Lily asked surprised, stopping him in his track.

Misha took West in his arms and walked to the front door.

“They’re going to spend the rest of the weekend with Rachel at her place.”

“YAY I’ll play with the dogs!!” West screamed, a big smile plastered on his face.

“Who’s Rachel?”

“We’ll talk about that later. Ready Westy? Let's go to the car.”

Lily couldn’t help feeling guilty… again. Was Vicki leaving because of her? Did she just have an argument with Misha regarding their conversation in the park earlier? Was she the reason why Misha would spend the rest of the weekend away from his kids after not seeing them for a week because he worked in Vancouver?

She had a thousand questions and a million thoughts, and none of them were positive. Every single thought was hurting her and she had to go out on the patio to breathe some fresh air. She sat on the swing and took deep breaths while rocking back and forth to calm herself down, until Misha came back and sat next to her, seeing something wasn’t right.

“Lily? Are you okay?” he asked softly, gently pressing his hand on her knee. Lily sat back on the swing and frowned at Misha.

“Why are they leaving?”

“Because we need some time alone. Vicki wanted to give us some space and I have to say I didn’t mind. What’s wrong?”

“You haven’t seen your kids for a whole week and now they’re leaving because of me!”

Misha seemed to understand what was bothering her.

“Nobody’s leaving because of you. I’ve spent the whole day with them, I’ll see them tomorrow. You’re not kicking anyone out, if that’s the problem.”

“Who’s Rachel?”

Misha smiled and looked down before leaning back crossing his arms. It was normal for her to ask so many questions, so he stayed patient and answered because it had to be done.

“Rachel is a very close friend. Vicki fell in love with hers years ago.” He replied defiantly.

Lily opened her mouth to reply something but as nothing came out, she shut it and frowned, staring ahead of her.

Misha started to be very amused about her reaction.

“She wanted to have some good time tonight, and as she knew it wouldn’t happen with me, she decided she would bang her girlfriend instead.” He insisted almost impudently. “Plus she needs to explain our situation to her too now.”

Lily turned to look at Misha, her eyes questioning him. She didn’t see why Vicki had to explain what was happening between Misha and her, but she still was speechless.

Misha cleared his throat and turned on his seat, folding a leg beneath him.

“Rachel was a part of our relationship. She has to know I won’t be here for her anymore, and Vicki is the best person to tell her. It will be fine.”

Oh… right… the other woman. He told Lily about her when they were in Northfield, and she had trouble believing him.

“So… If I understand this right, you were sleeping with both of them and they were okay with it…”

Misha couldn’t help but laughed.

“Yes.”

“Separately or… at the same time?”

He burst out laughing. She was clueless but curious about this relationship and he found her reaction actually cute.

“Usually both at the same time. One of our rules being we can have sex with other people but we have to be both participating. But since they are very much in love with each other, they do that a lot when I’m away, and it happened I had sex only with Rachel too.”

Lily sighed and bent over, putting her elbows on her knees and rubbing her face in her hands.

“That’s crazy. I can’t believe this is you talking.” She admitted.

Misha extended his arm to rub her back and take her long hair out of her face.

“This was the incomplete broken version of me indeed, but you don’t have to worry about it, as long as you’re with me I’ll be complete again. I hope you believe that.”

She turned her head to look back at him.

“How do I know you won’t need another person to join us when you’ll start to be bored? How do I know I’ll be enough for you? I can’t do that… I would never allow a third person to… to… do that with us. Misha… If one day I realize you’re cheating in any way… even if it’s with Vicki, I couldn’t handle it. I’m sorry but I’m not as strong, open-minded and confident as she is. I need you to understand that before we go any further.”

Misha chuckled. “Do you at least know how long it’s been since I’ve touched my wife?”

 _NO AND I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!_ Her whole body screamed.

“Misha, you slept in the same bed just yesterday, I’m not completely naive you know.” She rolled her eyes.

“Oh you are… because it’s been months, and every time I did, I felt guilty as hell because that _awful_ feeling I was cheating on you reappeared as soon as you ran into me at the airport two years ago. And don’t try to make me believe you’re innocent Miss Hagen, because I talked to Katie today, and I was very surprised to know Peter had been around you a little too much since you came back from Austria…”

Lily froze.

She couldn’t believe Misha was talking to Katie behind her back, and she couldn’t believe Katie told him about Peter!

He indeed helped her moving her stuff back to her old apartment, and then he helped her finding her new job, and one thing leading to another, they indeed spent a few nights together, but it didn’t count, right?

“I… It doesn’t… we didn’t…” she tried to explain everything to him but couldn’t find her words.

Misha pulled on her shoulder so she would lean in her seat and look at him closely. He looked very determined and his eyes were piercing through hers.

“I need to know you don’t want anything from him anymore, Lily. If _you_ can’t share, I can’t either.”

Lily could feel she was furiously blushing right now. She felt like a kid surprised with a hand in the candy jar.

But it was fair, she had no right to ask him to be faithful and exclusive if she wasn’t either.

“I don’t even care about him anymore. He just… he was there and you were not.”

“Good. We’re clear then.” Misha nodded and gave her his most beautiful half smile.

God that damn smile!

“Yeah… We’re clear.” She confirmed and leaned forward to leave a quick peck on his lips.

That triggered Misha who stopped her when she tried to pull back. He gently grabbed her wrist and pulled, getting closer to her on the swing. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her again, slower this time, licking her lower lip. She opened her mouth and their tongues met, tasting every cell of their mouth and breathing harder and harder.

Misha gently pushed on her shoulders so she would lay back on the swing and he crushed her under his warm and muscular body, kissing every inch of her neck.

She instinctively spread her legs to allow his body to fully cover hers and she melted in his warmth, faintly moaning when he licked the sensitive spot under her ear.

It felt divine to be in his strong arms again.

When he sucked at that same spot and slid one of his hands under her shirt, Lily cried out and her hips helplessly raised to rub his crotch, which made Misha even wilder and when he moved to reach the waistband of her jeans, the swing rocked a little too hard and they both landed on the grass with a shriek.

Misha put his forearms on each side of Lily’s head, supporting his weight to not crush her completely. When he looked at her, ready to ask if she was okay, Lily started to giggle hysterically under him and couldn’t stop, bringing Misha to do the same.

“That’s not the first time it happens to us!” she managed to say between chuckles, holding her stomach and trying to catch her breath at the same time.

She was referring to the numerous times they started to make out on the willow tree’s branch and fell into the pond when it started to get hot.

“Well at least we’re not wet this time.” Misha replied out of breath.

“Speak for yourself…” she suddenly said very low, her eyes piercing through him.

The sensual tone in her voice and the fact that she was still lying under him made Misha still, his giggles forgotten.

“Should we go on upstairs?” he asked, looking at her hungrily.

Lily raised a hand to grab the collar of his shirt and pull it, forcing him to lean down. She opened her mouth and kissed him, biting on his upper lip every time she had the occasion. She loved that pulpy lip of his so much!

When she started wriggling under him again and Misha felt his pants were getting way too tight, he broke the kiss and stood up.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

He grabbed her by the wrist to pull her back up and almost ran into the house, Lily silently following him biting her lower lip. They made their way upstairs and when Misha arrived in front of his bedroom, he pinned her against the door and reached for her neck. He left wet kisses along her jaw line before reaching for the door knob, but when she felt it opening behind her, Lily pressed a firm hand against Misha’s chest, forcing him to stand back with a questioning look.

“Not here.”

He immediately understood she didn’t want to do it in the room he shared with Vicki, so he stepped backward still facing her, his eyes never leaving hers, only to open the door behind him, which was the spare room she was staying in for the weekend.

He didn’t ask anything, he just waited for her to say or do something.

She stepped forward and took both of his hands in hers, interlacing her fingers with his, and she walked further, never leaving his hungry gaze, forcing him to step backward inside of her room. She didn’t stop until the back of Misha’s legs knocked her bed and he fell sitting on it.

She let go of his hands to straddle him and cup his face, soon tasting his lips again.

She swayed her hips to rub her crotch against the now very obvious bulge in his pants, which made her moan in his mouth. She reached for his belt and opened it, but when she tried to unzip Misha’s jeans, he grabbed her waist and lifted her to lay her down on the bed.

Misha laid on top of her, stroked her hair out of her face and kissed her again, first on her lips, then along her jaw line, and soon licking his way down her chest. He slid both hands under her shirt and lifted it above her head before leaning down to kiss her lower stomach. Lily’s head fell back and she raised her hips, needing to feel him where she needed it the most.

He understood what she wanted right away and lost no time unzipping her jeans and pulling them down completely. He knelt between her legs, just looking at her body lying on the bed. He placed both hands at her ankles and started slowly caressing his way up her legs. When he reached her thighs, he leaned down and placed an open kiss inside the right one, sucking her flesh inside his mouth, and once again she couldn’t resist raising her hips, this time with a moan.

He continued his way tracing his fingers along her stomach and cupped both her clothed breasts when he reached them. Lily unclasped her bra and reached for the hem of his shirt, silently asking him to take it off, which he did.

She stayed a few seconds hungrily staring at his muscular chest, biting her lower lip. Misha smiled and leaned down to kiss her again, and when their warm chest touched each other, they both moaned at the same time. Lily wrapped her arms around him and hugged tight, caressing his back in the process.

It was Misha’s turn to grind his hips against her clothed pussy, which made Lily even more desperate to feel him so she reached for his waistband one more time. This time he didn’t stop her, he even helped freeing himself from his pants. Lily placed a hand behind his neck and pulled towards her so he leaned down and they both moaned when their bodies connected again.

Misha could already feel her wetness through her black laced panties and couldn’t hold it anymore. He quickly reached for her underwear and almost ripped it while he eagerly slid it down her legs. He didn’t lose any time, knelt back and did the same with his own, freeing his hard cock.

Lily couldn’t help but hummed and licked her lips at the view. Misha was kneeling between her legs, completely naked, his glorious cock ready and his eyes burning on her. She even surprised herself thinking about how his dick would taste in her mouth, but she thought it was probably too soon. She'd never tasted him before, that was something she never had the guts to try when she was sixteen. she would certainly try that later...

“You aged well Mister Krushnic, do you know that?”

Misha smiled and leaned forward, covering her body with his, supporting his weight with his forearms, and looked directly in her eyes, his face only inches away from hers. Lily could feel his cock on her stomach and she wanted nothing more than to feel it inside of her right now.

“Are you saying you didn’t like my skeletal young body?”

That killed the heat of the moment, Lily tried to suppress the image from her head, she tried to hold her giggles, but she finally burst out laughing under him, remembering his younger features. If Misha had to guess, he would’ve said it was a hint of nostalgia he saw in her eyes at that moment.

“You know I loved it.” She replied still laughing, her body convulsing against Misha’s cock.

He leaned his head down and bit once on her lower lip before burying his face on the crook of her neck, not losing a bit of his hunger for her.

“Stop laughing like that, Lily, you’ll make me come.” He growled in her ear and with that, Lily stilled and caressed the back of his head, turning her face to place a soft kiss on his cheek.

She wrapped her legs around his waist and ground her hips again and again, rubbing her clit against Misha’s cock until he hummed and rose himself back enough for her to look at him in the eyes.

“Please…” she begged.

If Misha had one weakness, it was hearing her begging for him. He reached down between their bodies, grabbed his cock and pumped a few times before placing it right at her entrance. When he looked up at her and saw the lustful look in her eyes and her teeth biting hard on her lower lip, he knew he didn’t have to ask for her permission and he gently pushed forward to enter her.

Her head flew back instantly with a load moan. She had missed him so much!

She ground her hips one more time and Misha did the same, thrusting back and forth inside of her in a torturous slow pace. He still had his forearms on each side of her head, and he wasn’t leaving her gaze even a second.

“I love you.” he whispered and leaned down to kiss her.

The kiss was long and passionate, Misha still slowly moving inside of her, Lily had her arms still tightly wrapped around his waist, her fingers digging into his back.

When he broke the kiss to look at her again, her eyes were glassy, but he knew it wasn’t because he was hurting her.

“I love you too.” She replied staring at him, and she could see the emotion growing in his eyes until a tear fell from his eyes to her cheek.

He was dying to hear her say it to him again, and finally she said it back. It took twenty six years, but finally he heard it again, and no matter how hard he would try, he could never hide his emotion right now. He buried his head in her neck once again, afraid she would think something was wrong when she’d see his tears.

She smiled and tightened the grip on him.

“Please Misha… I need you now.” She pleaded, moving her hips faster against him.

Misha stopped and got out of her to kneel back on the bed, earning an obscene whine from Lily.

“Whyyyy?” she cried out desperately.

He grabbed her wrists and pulled to make her straddle his lap. As soon as she was positioned, she grabbed his cock and plunged to have him inside of her again.

“Take what you need.” He stared at her and she almost growled, losing no time to move up and down his length, slowly first but soon she wanted more and started bouncing fast around him.

Misha moaned and closed his eyes, trying to keep it as long as he could, but he knew with her hungry pace he would not be able to hold it for long.

Lily was still bouncing up and down around his rock hard cock, moaning at every thrust, her fingers firmly gripping Misha’s hair. She arched her back and leaned her head down, allowing Misha to reach for her breast and suck hard at her nipple.

He pulled her chest tight against his and she wrapped her arms around his neck, her eyes sinking into his dark gaze. She could almost see him pleading for her not to stop. The fire in her eyes and her frantic pace drove him mad.

“Yes, Lily…” he hissed and moaned “come with me please…” he begged her.

Lily whined his name out and her whole body convulsed when he reached between their bodies to rub his thumb on her clit. He probably did that because he needed her to come now, but hearing him begging was enough to make her fall into bliss.

She came around his pulsing cock, moaning and screaming his name while gripping his hair so hard she could’ve sworn she torn a few hairs off his head.

Misha thrust up a few more times before releasing his seed inside of her, grunting and moaning all he could, his hands firmly gripping her hips.

After staying on his lap a few more minutes to catch her breath, Lily let herself fall on her back in a final sigh to lie on the bed. Misha didn’t move right away, still kneeling on the bed and observing her closing her eyes and wiping sweat from her face. He smiled when he realized she looked exhausted.

He lied down next to her after a little while and gently kissed her forehead. Her silence was just worrying him a little.

“Say something…” he whispered.

Lily just looked at him with awe but couldn’t speak. Her body and her soul were not functioning anymore. She raised a hand to gently caress his scruff and she smiled fondly at him before moving away to wrap herself in the bed sheets as she was starting to feel cold.

Misha joined her and as she laid on her side, he wrapped an arm around her waist and pressed his body against her back, burying his face in the back of her neck.

“Tell me you don’t regret this, Lily…”

It was hard for him to know if she was okay. She looked satisfied but was so quiet it was disturbing.

Lily took a few seconds to think about it and turned her head to look at him.

“I don’t.” she reassured him and was happy to see a bright smile enlightening his face.

It was even surprising her, she didn’t feel an ounce of guilt this time, and being with Misha felt so right and so natural to her.

He moved away just a little and his eyes fell on her back, studying her scar. He traced it with his fingers, all along from the curve of her hip to her left shoulder where he left sweet kisses, resting with his mouth on it afterward.

“What are you doing?” Lily asked embarrassed. She hated that ugly scar and often felt like a freak, but sometimes she could forget about it, especially after her previous mind-blowing activity with Misha.

Misha’s fingers were still trailing on her back, feeling the healed asperities of her melted skin. She couldn’t see him, but he was lost in his thoughts, trying to picture what had happened after he passed out that night, and all he could think about was how weak and useless he had been. Her scar was just the proof of his failing and he probably would never stop blaming himself for seeing this mark on her back instead of his.

“Misha?” Lily asked concerned and turned her head to look at him again. She expected to see disgust on his face, but all she saw was a frowning Misha, his eyes glued on her scar but his gaze seemed empty, with a pained expression all over his face.

When he heard her saying his name, he got out of his thoughts and looked at her with glassy eyes.

“Did you feel any pain?” he whispered shamefully.

“What?” she wasn’t sure what he meant exactly, of course she felt the agonizing pain even months after it happened, and she had dozens of surgeries to make her back look better afterward, you don’t get burnt like that and heal like it’s no big deal.

“I mean… the moment it happened, when I was unconscious and uselessly lying next to you... were you in pain?”

Her face fell when she realized what he was asking, and especially why he was asking it. She raised her hand to cup his cheek and rubbed her thumb along his jaw line.

“No. I just felt the pressure of something crushing me down on you but I passed out right after that too.”

She said it hoping it would make him feel better, but seeing him closing his eyes and feeling his jaw bones clenching beneath her hand, she knew it didn’t work at all.

“Misha… please don’t blame yourself for this. It wasn’t your fault. I’m okay now. _We_ are okay.”

“I’ll never be okay with the fact you needed me and I did nothing.”

“What could you do? We were trapped like rats!” she raised her voice a little, because it always hurt when she remembered it, plus she was slightly annoyed he would still punish himself for that.

“ _You_ did something, _**you**_ protected me.”

She almost laughed at his words, but she tried to suppress her giggles to not hurt him even more.

“Oh right, yeah… I very bravely cuddled on top of you because I was scared to death and I put a damn _flammable blanket_ on my back… _very_ smart move, what a hero I am!”

Misha was not amused by her sarcastic tone.

“It was enough to keep me from burning and choking completely…” he pointed out.

Lily closed her eyes trying to stop the images from coming back in her head. She didn’t know why Misha was talking about that _now_ , right after having sex.

“You never really told me in detail what happened when you woke up the next day…” Misha insisted.

Was that blame she could hear in his voice? Was he saying she could maybe have done something about their two decades separation?

She was too tired to fight now. She just sighed.

“What do you want to know exactly?” she ventured, not sure where this conversation would lead.

Misha looked at her and bit his lip.

“Everything… I want to know everything. And now seems like a good time.”

Lily raised her eyebrows. She couldn’t believe he was doing that to her _now_ , just because he saw her fucking scar and thought about it again.

But as she had nothing to hide to him, she decided she would give him what he wanted. He probably needed it to finally be at peace with himself.

She turned to face him and raised a little, supporting her with her forearm on the bed.

She took a deep breath and tried to remember every single detail she could.

She rarely talked about it before, not like that, not even to Dr Dorville, not even to Katie, but if someone had to hear this in details, it was Misha…

 


	22. Revival

 

 _**Northfield Hungerford Hospital – June 30** _ _**th** _ _**1990** _

 

Lily’s mind slipped slowly back into half-consciousness. It felt like lucid dreaming: you know what you’re living is not real and you want to take control and wake up inside of that same dream, but you can’t. You just focus hard on trying to open your eyes in vain.

She swallowed weakly and felt a terrible pain in her throat. It was almost unbearable, she had the sensation she ate tons of sand and drank hot vinegar to wash it. It was dry… she needed water badly.

She could feel something hard pushing on her face… something disgusting that smelled like cheap plastic, but at the same time she could feel a fresh breath of air coming from it and penetrating her lungs... that felt delicious.

She tried to listen what was supposed to be around her like every morning: her favorite chaffing which always came on her window to chirp, or the sound of dishes clattering as her mom was preparing breakfast, or Ryan’s footsteps when he was running down the stairs to go outside before even eating something. She couldn’t hear anything but a very far muffled sound that she couldn’t identify.

She concentrated harder and tried to focus on the sound of Misha breathing next to her. Nothing could make her happier in the morning than waking up and see him peacefully sleeping close to her. Then again, she couldn’t hear it, and she couldn’t feel his warm skin against hers either.

She heard the low muffled sound again… was that… music? She couldn’t tell.

When she tried to remember what she did yesterday before going to bed, a blinding flash of light pierced through her brain and her ears rang.

 

“ _ **Lily! Get out! MISHA! LILYYYY! GET OUT OF HERE NOW!!!!”**_

 

_Mom?_

Why was she screaming like that? Get out of what? Why such panic in her voice?

Lily tried to breathe deeply, but it felt like her lungs were burning inside of her. She focused and tried to calm down, feeling her heart beat faster. She held onto the thin fresh air stream weakly blowing on her face and thankfully it worked quite well.

She felt slightly better when her heart finally stopped racing. She tried very hard to open her eyes, but none of her muscle would move enough to allow it.

 

“ _ **MISHAAA! We can’t reach the door!!! Find something to shelter, help is on the way!!! Hold on and keep Lily safe!”**_

It was Rebecca now… with the same panicky voice.

Lily tried to concentrate on the voices in her head but she couldn’t clearly remember anything. All she could recall was falling asleep in Misha’s arms. Nothing unusual…

 

“ _ **MOMMYYYYYY! HELP MEEEE!!!!”**_

 

_Oh God, Ryan!_

Lily heard Ryan’s muffled call and started to panic again. What was happening? Why couldn’t she remember? Why was she paralyzed and couldn’t wake up? Where was her little brother?

Her heartbeat fastened again, but this time she couldn’t focus on the air blowing on her face, it was too hard. She just wanted to jump out of bed and save Ryan from whatever was terrifying him.

 

“ _ **Wake up, Misha!!! Please wake up!!”**_

What? Was that the sound of her own voice? Why was she hearing the sound of her own voice in her head? It didn’t make sense!

“ _ **Please Misha, I’m begging you, just wake up! Don’t leave me here!”**_

 

_No! No, no, no, what’s happening?_

Where was Misha? He was supposed to be next to her sleeping peacefully! They'd planned to go to the lake today!

Her heart was now pounding so hard that she thought it would soon get out of her chest. She couldn’t breathe, but she finally felt her body moving when she started to cough uncontrollably.

She tried to focus on the muffled music in the background… It sounded like…wait… she knew that music, wasn't that the theme from _Murder She Wrote_?

That was a good sign, her grandmother was always watching this show and it comforted her in some way. She must be near…

 

“ _ **Don’t give up, Misha, please don’t give up! I need you!”**_

She couldn’t stop hearing those voices, and hearing her begging for Misha’s life wasn’t helping at all.

 

“ _ **MOMMMYYYY!”**_

All the voices were coming at the same time now, mixing in her head, and everything was spinning around her, despite the darkness she was surrounded with.

“ _ **STAY NEAR THE WINDOW AND BREATHE!!!”**_

 

_Mom!!!! Help me I can’t wake up! I’m scared!!_

She could swear her heart was out of her body by now. It was not possible for a human heart to stay inside beating that fast and hard. She was now coughing so much that she would choke very soon.

 

“ _ **HELP IS COMING, HOLD ON!”**_

“ _ **MOMMYYYYYY!”**_

“ _ **Misha please wake up!!!”**_

“ _ **GET OUT OF HERE NOW!!!!!”**_

“ _ **MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!”**_

 

It was too much, too many voices at the same time, all screaming for help, all from the people she loved the most. It was too hot, the atmosphere around her was oppressive, she couldn't breathe, she was chocking, and she was totally powerless.

She heard a piercing and fast beeping sound followed by a thud, and all of a sudden, when she least expected it, her eyes flew open and she realized where she was.

There were doctors and nurses everywhere agitating themselves, touching her, speaking fast and loud. She was terrified and for a brief second she almost hoped she could fall asleep again. At least it would be quieter and peaceful.

She felt a needle piercing her skin, but oddly it made her calmer and calmer.

“Oh God, my sweet Lily please hold on. I’m right here!”

 

_Grandma!_

Lily turned her head weakly and saw her grandmother leaning against the wall, right under the wall-hanging TV, both of her hands on her mouth, her eyes red and tears flowing down her face.

She had the time to notice _Murder She Wrote_ playing on TV... That made sense now.

The nurses turned the beeping sound off and it felt good.

The tallest doctor walked near Lily’s grandmother to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t worry Misses Hagen, she’ll be okay. It was just a panic attack because she was waking up. It’s impressive but harmless.”

Harmless? She almost died right here!

He stepped near Lily’s bed, took the oxygen mask off her face, looked down and smiled. He seemed pleased, and that was annoying Lily already.

“How do you feel, Lily? You scared everyone, you know? Can you talk?” he asked softly.

Of course! Why couldn’t she talk?

“I…” she coughed when she felt her throat burning and she heard the raspy sound of her voice. She wished he hadn't took the mask off her face... she couldn't breathe that good.

_Wow… sounds like I smoked a factory!_

“It’s okay. It will get better with time. Your throat had been a bit damaged by smoke so it’s very dry and sore right now, you’ll have to drink a lot of water to feel better.”

_Smoke? What smoke?_

The doctor took the nasal prongs and placed them on Lily.

“Here. It’ll help. Breathe slowly and if you need anything just press on that button.”

He pointed at the red button near her right hand. Lily nodded and took a slow but deep breath, enjoying the soothing sensation of oxygen filling her lungs.

“I’ll be back in a little while to check on her.” He said to Lily’s grandmother before walking towards the door, followed by a nurse.

“You should talk to her and see what she remembers. If she doesn’t, don’t push it, it will come to her eventually. The police will want to talk to her too, but I'll tell them to wait at least until tomorrow.”

_The police? Geez what the hell happened?_

Bethany nodded weakly.

“Do I need to tell her about...” she stopped as tears threatened to fall again. She made a strangled noise and hid her mouth with one hand.

Doctor Cooper patted on her shoulder compassionately.

“If you judge she can handle it, yes. Just don’t rush things if you see she’s not ready. I’ll be back soon.”

He walked out the door and shut it behind him.

 

Lily’s grandmother walked by the bed and sat on the armchair next to her granddaughter, smiling faintly to reassure her, but her face was the picture of utter desolation and grief.

“Nanna?” Lily asked with her cracked voice. That single effort made her cough loudly, so Bethany took the glass of water on the table and handed it to her.

“Drink, honey.”

Lily obeyed and she had to admit it was really good to feel the fresh liquid pouring down her sore throat. She wanted to sit instead of lying on the bed because her back was hurting. She pushed with her arms and when she slid against the bed to sit up, she had the sensation someone was skinning her alive. The pain was so sharp that she almost passed out and cried.

“Don’t move, sweetheart. You’ll hurt yourself.”

“What the hell happened?” Lily pleaded.

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

Lily shook her head. She couldn’t tell her grandmother the last thing she remembered was having sex with Misha who sneaked into her bedroom and then falling asleep in his arm, could she?

Now that she thought about it, her grandmother was probably the best person to understand, and she could be the first person she'd tell about Misha and her planning to get married. She would definitely support her and react better than her mom would.

“Just… went to bed and fell asleep.”

That was close enough for today...

Bethany nodded.

“Where’s mom?”

Lily saw her grandmother’s face falling.

“Nanna? Will you finally tell me what the hell happened? Where’s mom, damn it!” she panicked.

Bethany didn’t want her to have another panic attack but she had to tell her the truth.

“Sweetie, don’t you remember the fire at your house?”

 

The fire…

Once again, she felt a bright flash of light blinding her eyes, and the urging voice of her mom came back.

 

“ **LILLYYYY! GET OUT OF HERE NOW!!! WE CAN’T REACH THE DOOR!!”**

 

“Oh God, Nanna where is she?” she pleaded, tears in her eyes.

Bethany took her girl’s hand and squeezed.

“Honey she… she’s gone.”

Lily’s hand rose to press on her chest as she had trouble breathing again.

“No! I heard her calling for me!”

“Yes… Rebecca got her out of the house but she ran back to try to get to you when the first floor was already falling apart. Firemen said she was trapped on the broken stairs and chocked.”

Lily’s head fell back on her pillow and she sobbed. She couldn’t believe she had no parents anymore. She suddenly realized she would have to take care of Ryan on her own now, or worst... maybe they would get separated!

“Is Rebecca taking care of Ryan? Does he know?” she suddenly asked concerned and worried about her little brother. She hoped he wasn’t alone dealing with this.

“Oh baby girl…” her grandmother shook her head down and cried. No one should ever have to do this, it was the cruelest thing ever and she had to do it.

“Ryan didn’t make it either, I’m so sorry.” she barely managed to say between sobs.

WHAT? How was that possible? Was she actually saying she lost her whole family in one night? She felt like the ground was opening and she was falling without being able to stop.

She was now sobbing uncontrollably. Her little brother… he was so young, so innocent and so full of life! How can life be so cruel? Why was she here living when he was not?

“I wanna see Misha.” Lily whined between sobs. If someone could comfort her, it would definitely be Misha. Sure he must be sad and broken now too, but he knew exactly what to say or do to make her feel better even in the worst situations.

Bethany gently pressed a hand on Lily’s forehead and caressed her affectionately. Wouldn’t it be wiser to tell her right now she was the only one who made it? Could she deal with more loss right now? She had no idea.

“You can’t see him now. You should rest a little, Lily, you’re exhausted.”

“NO! Get out of here and go find Misha! Please Nanna… I just need to see him a few minutes.”

This is when another flash pierced her brain, and she saw herself next to a motionless Misha, trying to shake him to wake him up after he choked but he wouldn’t move or make a sound.

She looked at her grandma with wide eyes.

“He's okay, right Nanna?”

Bethany couldn’t talk anymore. Everytime she had to open her mouth, it was to tell her something awful and she couldn’t bear seeing her little Lily like that because of her. She just sighed and looked at her with the saddest look.

“I mean… Okay he kinda passed out but I did too, right? And we were in the same room so if I’m okay he must be too…” she tried to convince herself. “Plus he’s super healthy and athletic so it helps... I mean you should see him holding his breath underwater, I could never last that long, that’s probably why I was so surprised he fainted before I did…”

When Bethany saw she couldn’t stop babbling because she was terrified, she decided to end her misery once and for all.

“Honey… I’m really sorry to be the one telling you, but you’re the only one who survived this…”

Lily froze.

“No… It can’t be true. You’re wrong.” she affirmed coldly.

“I’m afraid I’m not, honey.”

“How can you be so sure, uh? That’s not possible, Nanna, I was trapped in the freaking tower up there and I’m still here!”

“I'm sure because...” Bethany chocked on her own breath remembering the past hours. “I had to identify them and sign papers. I’ve seen them, Lily.”

Lily’s chest tightened. She was almost panting now.

“All of them?”

“No of course, just the family.”

“They were ALL family!” Lily cried out, shoving weakly at her grandmother, feeling the rage building in her chest.

“Yes baby, I know that. Not on paper though. They wouldn’t let me see Misha and his family but I was here when they transferred them. Again... I hate to be the one to tell you this, Lily, but it’s the sad truth. Just be sure I’ll be here and I won’t give up on you.”

“Transferred?”

“To Boston, yes. Rebecca’s family is there.”

“Are you saying I can’t even say goodbye to them?”

How was that real? How was she supposed to live after that? She lost everything and everyone in one night!

“First we say goodbye to your mother and Ryan, then if you really want to, we’ll go to Boston, I promise. But for now, you need to heal. They’re keeping you for the night and then they will transfer you to the burn unit to take care of your back.”

Bethany slowly caressed Lily’s hair to sooth her.

“There is something I don’t understand though…” she frowned. “How did Misha got in your room so fast? Nobody could reach it, the stairs collapsed and it’s way too high to jump by the window.”

Lily sighed and closed her eyes. What was the point about hiding it now anyway?

“He was there the whole night.” she sniffed.

“Oh…” Bethany smiled sadly. She knew they were very close, everybody knew they flirted, she just didn’t know their relationship was that serious.

“Nanna...” Lily's face crumbled under the weight of pain. “We were supposed to get married after college... and now I'll never see him again!” she breathed out between sobs.

Bethany's eyes widened.

“I... I had no idea it was that serious, I'm so sorry...”

And she truly was, she loved Misha and Sasha like her own sons. Her heart was breaking knowing she also lost them, and she would've been the happiest woman knowing Misha would be officially a member of the family. She thought Lily couldn't find a better man to take care of her, considering he was already doing everything he could for her. She would probably talk about it with Lily when she would feel better, it would certainly help.

Lily wiped the tears from her face.

“What am I going to do?” she cried harder, feeling completely lost.

“We’ll figure it out together. Just rest now.”

 

Lily must’ve been exhausted, because she fell asleep as soon as she felt her grandmother’s hand gently brushing her hair again.

 

 

 

************

 

**3 WEEKS LATER**

 

Lily was standing in front of the cottage, not moving a finger.

She got out of the hospital the day before and had packed the few things she still owned. In a few hours, she would land in France and would never look back at this place.

She hadn’t had the guts to walk to the main house to see what was left of it. She couldn’t do that, it was too hard. One day, maybe, she would come back, but for now she just wanted to forget.

She needed to say goodbye to the place she loved though. Her grandmother told her it would help.

She never thought it would be that hard… she’d stood here at the same spot for twenty minutes already, staring at the cottage's front door. She wanted to go inside to take something she would keep with her to remember Misha and his family, but she was scared. She knew the moment she would step inside and see their stuff all around, she would break down, and she was tired of crying. She knew if she could smell Misha’s scent on one of his shirt, her heart would shatter in a million pieces.

They’re gone… They are _all_ gone.

Misha’s gone…

With him, her hopes for their happy future life died too. They had so many plans! They wanted to go everywhere, see everything, do everything! They just wanted to be together. It didn’t matter where, but they needed each other like they needed air. It was a matter of life and death: without one, the other would die.

And still… here she was, alive and alone.

She looked down clenching her hands into fists, feeling anger rising through her body, and her eyes randomly fell on a flat rock. She didn’t know why, but she crouched down and took it in her hand, just because she found it beautiful.

In a long guttural cry, she threw it hard on the front door’s glass. She immediately regretted it because it made her back hurt like hell.

The glass didn't break, it just made a loud thud that resonated under the trees and the rock landed on the porch.

There was no point being here, it was useless. She could never forget.

When she understood that, she turned and ran away as fast as she could towards the main path. Her grandmother was right, they needed to leave, and then maybe she would be able to move on.

She ran fast, disappearing behind the trees. She ran way too fast… if she had stayed just a little bit longer, she would’ve seen him opening the front door to check where that noise came from.

When he saw the flat rock on the porch, he took it, studied the weird shape and threw it in his pocket.

“Stupid squirrels.” Misha muttered.

“Misha! Hurry up we have to leave in an hour! Get your stuff!” Rebecca called from inside.

“Yeah, yeah… I just thought I heard something.”

He closed the door behind him, disappearing in the cottage for the last time.

 

 

************************

 

“Wait, wait… you’re telling me you threw a rock on our door? A shiny flat black rock with a weird white shape on it?” Misha asked suspiciously.

They were still in bed, facing each other.

“From the whole story, _**THAT**_ ’s what you- wait a minute… I never mentioned it was black and shiny. How the hell did you know that?” She tilted her head.

Misha’s jaw clenched when he understood what had happened. He got out of bed, put his jeans on and walked out of Lily’s room without an explanation.

“Misha?”

_What the hell was that?_

She got out of bed too, put her panties and shirt on, and when she was about to follow him, he came back holding a shoe box.

“Did I say something? What’s that?” Lily asked worried.

Misha sat on the bed and opened the box, after rummaging in it for a few seconds, he took the rock out and Lily paled.

“I found it when we were in the cottage gathering our stuff before leaving for Washington. I heard something, I opened the door and the rock was right here.” He replied through gritted teeth.

They looked at each other without moving and without making a sound during what felt like an eternity, digesting the reality of what happened.

“It was you! I knew I wasn’t crazy! I knew I heard someone screaming and I would’ve sworn it was your voice! But Mom and Sasha didn’t hear a thing so I just thought I was too damaged and my brain was playing tricks…” Misha almost screamed, the pain was visible on his face.

“When was it?” Lily asked softly, fearing the answer.

“I don’t know, about three weeks after the fire, I guess.”

“Oh my God, are you kidding me??? You were inside the fucking cottage when I was here???”

Misha angrily threw the rock back in the shoe box and rubbed his face.

“I can’t believe it. I fucking can’t believe it!” he growled. “Do you realize none of this _shit_ would’ve happened if for one _fucking_ time in your life, you hadn’t run away?”

Lily was so chocked that he blamed her for this that she was speechless. She just kept standing by the foot of the bed, her arms crossed, not doing anything.

“You were there, Lily, we were both there and if you had the guts to do what you wanted to and walk inside, we would be married today!! You realize that? But NO! As always, you fled!”

“HEY! Don’t you dare blaming me for what happened or I swear to god I’m leaving right now and you’ll never see me again!” she screamed pointing at the door with a trembling finger, her harsh voice shaking with tears.

They stared at each other with wide glassy eyes for a while. None of them could believe it, if they thought fate couldn’t be crueler, they were both wrong.

Of course, Misha had a point; it was true they wouldn’t have been apart for two decades if she’d had the nerves to step inside the cottage.

Misha closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His frustration was palpable.

“Why are you so mad? What’s done is done, Misha… we can’t change the past!” Lily tried to smooth things a little, but she didn’t know if it would work this time.

“Why am I so mad? Oh I don’t know maybe because I spent my entire life dreaming about a life with you and when I realized it was gone I spent the rest of my life trying to heal and move on without success because I was completely broken, when actually I could’ve avoided the fucking pain if you had two seconds of courage!” He said very fast, and Lily thought his sarcasm was even more hurtful when he wasn’t screaming.

“You have two beautiful children who wouldn’t be here today if I had stepped further that day… You have an amazing job, you’re famous, you do good things thanks to that, you’re freaking loaded, you had your revenge against life… you probably wouldn’t have all of this today if I ran into you that day…”

A single tear fell from Misha’s eyes at that moment. He was so blinded by anger and frustration than he almost forgot about all of that.

“True. But I don't give a shit about fame and money, you know that. I didn't care about taking my revenge on life, all I cared about was being with you, that's ALL I wanted! Plus we also would have beautiful kids.” He looked down sadly.

He didn’t even realize how wrong he was at that moment, but she tried to ignore the pain to answer him.

“No, we wouldn’t.”

That’s when he remembered when she told him she couldn’t have kids, that night under the weeping willow. He sighed and closed his eyes, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah… me too. Maybe it’s better if I-“

“What? Leave? Again? Is that your solution for everything? Aren’t you tired of it? Aren’t you tired of doing this to me? Or maybe you just don’t care about other people’s feeling as long as you’re safe in your little selfish bubble?” he venomously interrupted her.

He was sure he would hate himself for saying those things to her, but he was hurting so much that he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t believe a word of it and he couldn’t recognize himself but he just couldn’t control his pain.

“Why would I stay after that? Give me one good reason.” she challenged coldly.

Misha walked towards her and stopped when he was facing her, inches from her face. His face was falling more and more each second but he kept staring at her.

“Help me.” He pleaded desperately between his tears.

Lily frowned and gasped when he fell on his knees, wrapping his arms around her waist and crying harder, his face buried in her stomach. She had to steady herself with one hand on the wall or she would’ve fallen. Her other hand fell on his head, stoking his hair.

“I’m sorry I passed out first, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, I’m sorry for screaming at you, I’m sorry for everything. Just… I can’t function when you’re not with me. Don’t leave.”

She let out a whining cry before kneeling down to hug him, rubbing his back to comfort him.

“Misha…” she whispered shakily.

“Don’t leave.” He repeated, squeezing his arms tighter around her.

“Okay.” She simply whispered and took his face in her hand.

Misha leaned forward and kissed her intensely, pressing her body against his.

“I love you, Misha. I _do_.” She managed to say when they broke the kiss because they needed air.

It didn’t even last a second before Misha’s lips crashed back on hers, devouring her.

He hummed in her mouth “Show me.” He pleaded against her lips.

She moaned and pushed on his chest to force him to sit on his ankles and straddled him, but as soon as she had her legs on each side of his, he grabbed her waist, lifted her and laid her on the carpeted ground.

Maybe he would show her first...

He took her shirt off and ripped her panties as fast as he could, reached for his own jeans and slid them down to his knees, and within seconds, he was inside of her pounding hard and fast, grunting and moaning at each thrust, clinging to her waist for dear life.

“Oh God, Misha!” Lily moaned obscenely.

She wrapped her legs tight around his waist, supported by her forearms on the ground and followed his movements with her hips, her back rubbing against the carpet. She looked at him as he buried his face in her neck.

His frantic pace never ceased until they both came in loud groans before falling exhausted, panting on the ground.

When his breath was steadier, Misha stood up. Lily opened her eyes to look at him.

“Bed?” he simply asked.

She smiled before standing up and joining him in the bed.

They didn’t share more words. They didn’t need to. They just cuddled until they both fell asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little warning: I am slowly reaching the end of this story. I still haven't written the last chapter, I'm not there yet, but the story slowly goes where I want it to end. Don't worry though, you'll have several more chapters to read, and I'll tell you when it will come to an end. 
> 
> Also, I have tons of pictures I would want to add to the chapters here, but I can't figure it out. If someone can help, it would be awesome :) I'll post them on my Tumblr anyway.


	23. Revelation

 

Lily heavily opened her eyes when she heard the far muffled sound of kids screaming. She knew it couldn’t be West or Maison though, they were with Vicki.

When she extended her arm to reach next to her, the bed was empty. She rolled on her side and could still smell Misha's musc on the pillow. She tried to listen to some noises coming from the inside of the house, but the kids outside were screaming too loud: she could only hear them laughing, running and screaming.

She closed her eyes again and sighed, thinking about the crazy day before. It was overwhelming to think she finally had the guts to admit her real feelings to Misha (and to herself!), but thankfully she didn’t regret any of it, despite the inevitable consequences it would have.  
She knew she could trust Misha even if she still had a lot of work to do on herself. She was still afraid, but she knew she couldn't be happy away from him anymore. It was already that way when they were young: he would leave with his family and she would crave him. She used to think it was just because she was a teenager full of hormones, but now that she was an adult, she figured it was just because she loved him so much that she wasn't happy when he was away.

When she thought about it, he hadn’t changed that much; apparently he was still as open as he was before, maybe even more. That would definitely make things easier, she could talk to him any time, about anything, and that was one of Misha’s most appreciable qualities, among others.

 _Like the mind-blowing sex…_  
She laughed at her own thought, and finally decided to get up and go find him, quickly stopping by the bathroom first.

She found him a few minutes later sitting outside at the patio table, enjoying the morning sun with a mug in one hand and his phone in the other. He was barefoot but already dressed, wearing some jeans and what appeared to be a very old but comfy gray shirt. He was so beautiful right there that she smiled and almost didn’t dare stepping outside; she could’ve spent the whole morning just watching him.

Misha looked up when he saw movement from the corner of his eye and immediately smiled at her.

“Hi…” Lily greeted first.  
His smile grew wider, and he extended his hand, showing her she could sit next to him.  
“Morning.” He replied cheerfully. “Slept well?”  
She sat down and kissed him quickly.  
“Very… I woke up because I heard kids screaming.”

Misha nodded, stood up and pointed at the wooden fence before going inside to pour a cup of coffee for her.  
“That's Atticus and Phoebe, the neighbors. If you think West and Maison are loud, wait till you see them all together.”  
Lily looked at his phone on the table.  
“It’s not even 8am… How are they already up and playing outside?”  
Misha scoffed while handing her the mug, which she thankfully accepted. “That’s the question I asked the four first weekends we moved here… and then I understood they would never sleep through the morning so I gave up.”

Lily laughed lazily and stopped when she saw Misha’s face becoming a little darker.  
“I’m sorry for yesterday. I acted like a dick.” He brushed a hand in his hair when Lily scoffed.  
“Yeah… sort of. I understand though. You were not completely wrong…”  
They stayed here staring at each other silently for a few seconds before he leaned forward to softly kiss her.  
He broke the kiss and they both smiled tenderly at each other. That's when Lily noticed the mail on the table.

“Misha?... Why is there a huge envelop from Litchfield's Hospital on your table?” she asked suspiciously.  
He looked a little taken aback, probably because he forgot about it.  
“Because I asked for our medical records from 1990. I found it this morning in the mailbox and thought maybe you would like to open it with me.”

The surprise on Lily's face couldn't be more obvious.  
“What's the point?”  
“Someone lied about who died that night and it had terrible consequences for both of our families. I wanna know who that bastard is, and I want him, or her... or them, to pay for it.”

He sounded so confident and determined... Lily leaned back on her chair and crossed her arms squinting at him. She never suspected Misha wanted revenge that much.  
“Why? I mean... it was obviously just a mistake from someone at the hospital or the firemen and it spread too fast, maybe it was even just a rumor that was twisted and everybody believed it. We know the truth now.”  
Misha tilted his head and frowned “Do we? What if it was an intentional mistake?”  
“Do you hear yourself?” she scoffed. “Aren't you a little paranoid about this? Or maybe... maybe you know something I don't?”

He wouldn't hide something that big to her, would he?  
“No, I don't. But when we were in Northfield and you left I had time to go to the newspaper's office, remember? And I couldn't find a damn thing from the hospital or the police, just the crappy article that we've read, nothing more, no official declaration and nobody knew nothing about it, or pretended not to anyway. I had a bad feeling about it. I just wanted to dig deeper. Considering the size of that envelop, I guess the hospital has more information for us. Don't you want to know?”

Lily sighed. She couldn't imagine that someone from her hometown intentionally did that to her family. It had to be just a stupid mistake. A mistake that costed a lot to her, yes, but still a mistake. She knew Misha wouldn't give up though.  
“Fine. Open it then. I can't wait to be right again.” she said playfully with a smirk.

Misha huffed a laugh opening the big envelop. Lily's eyes widened when she saw what was inside.  
“Wow how many files did you ask for? How can YOU have the right to ask for my family's medical reports? What about medical secret?”

Everything was here, Lily's medical file, Misha's too, but also everybody who was present June 30th when the farm burnt down, including her mom, her brother, Rebecca and Sasha.

“Mmmh, let's just say money and fame can be very helpful sometimes.” Misha teased opening Lily's file. He instantly froze when his eyes fell on photos of her fresh burnt back.  
“God...” he whispered staring at them.  
Lily took the photos from him in a rush.  
“Alright just read, and if you dare saying you should be the one with the scar again, I'll kick your ass, I'm warning you.”

She tried to sound as detached and cheerful as she could, but when she looked down at the pictures and saw how ugly it had been, she closed her eyes remembering the pain that came with it. She realized she had been damn lucky with the surgeries because even if it still wasn't so good to see, her scar was definitely not as ugly as it looked before.

Misha tried to ignore it but he was visibly shaken.  
“So? What does it say?” Lily pressed.  
“Not much yet... smoke inhalation, high temperature, fast heart rate and high blood pressure, they made some Xray to see if your lungs were damaged but it wasn't that bad from what I can understand here, then blood tests and...” Misha frowned and slowly looked up at Lily who was expectantly staring at him.  
“What?” her heart started to race again. “Misha what is it??? Did you find it? Who was it???”  
“Your hCG level was super high...” he finally said, and Lily kept looking at him blinking, not having a clue what he meant.  
“Uh... Okay... I skipped medical school so if you could be more specific, Dr Collins, I would appreciate.”  
“You were pregnant...”

Time stopped and all the air in Lily's lung got out in a second. When she realized what he'd just said, all she could do was laughing.  
“Okay you got me, nice one. Can we be serious about this now, please?”  
She stopped laughing when she saw Misha's face was still dead blank and his features very hard.

“Lily... how the hell could you have hidden that from me?”  
“ _WHAT_? You just misread, nobody ever said anything to me about a pregnancy except when my doctor said I could _NEVER_ have kids, remember? You didn't do med school either, you probably got it wrong.” she confidently replied.  
Misha slammed the file on the table and pointed the bottom of the blood test.  
“I had two kids I know what I'm talking about! Plus it's written right here! Four weeks pregnant!”

Lily stared at the piece of paper, blinking silently, her mouth wide open.  
“No I don't... it's not...” she wanted to scream it wasn't possible but no sentence could get out of her mouth right now.

Misha stood up and rubbed his face in his hands, taking a deep breath. When he looked down at Lily, she was still sitting in front of the paper, staring incredulously.  
“How?” was all Misha could manage to say.  
She looked up at him. “Really? You need me to explain how to make babies?”  
“Oh come on, Lily stop joking now! I'm serious! You said I could trust you back then!”  
“Hey!! Don't you dare blame me about this! We have to be two people to do it in case you don't remember! I was on the pill it shouldn't have happened! I swear to God I didn't know! I don't even know if this is true, maybe they lied about that too...”  
“Ugh! You're infuriating sometimes.” He angrily took the file back in his hands and read further, trying his best to stay calm.  
“Okay so... obviously you lost the baby a couple of days later... how could you NOT notice?”  
“Umm let me think... I was half _burnt_ and _drugged_ in a hospital bed, I've lost my house and my entire family, my boyfriend and my friends... mmmh... how stupid I was to care only about _that_ and not what happened in my fucking panties!” she almost yelled the end.  
“Lily... your grandmother signed the whole file...” Misha sounded suddenly very calm.  
“What?” she took the file from him and looked closely, every single page was indeed signed by her grandmother.

So she knew... she knew about all of this and she never told anything to her. Lily knew it was probably to protect her, she didn't need one more tragedy in her life at that moment, but she couldn't help the hint of betrayal she was feeling right now.  
“She knew...”  
“Of course she knew, you were sixteen, the doctors had to tell your family and she was the last one still alive.”  
“She knew and she hid it from me... How many lies will we still find out?” she looked at Misha with glassy eyes.

He sighed and sat back next to her.  
“I'm sorry.” he whispered taking her in his arms. She wrapped her arms around him and inhaled in his scent. After a while, she started to laugh uncontrollably against his shoulder, so Misha pulled away to look at her.  
“What's so funny?”  
“Do you realize we would have a twenty years old child right now if...” she laughed even harder holding her stomach, unable to stop.  
“Glad you take it that good...” his tone was very sarcastic.  
“I'm... I'm sorry” she said between giggles “A twenty fucking years old child... hahaha!”

It was obviously a nervous laugh, but Misha couldn't help smiling seeing her like that. Actually, she wanted to cry at the same time. The idea of Misha being the father of her child wasn't that bad, but it would never happen again.

“Alright I think we need to drink something...” Misha announced while getting inside to get drinks.  
Lily calmed down and stopped laughing just as he came back with two glasses.  
“What is it?” she asked suspiciously.  
“Old Whiskey.”  
“So early in the morning???”  
“Do you really think I care right now?”  
She took the glass in front of her and drank first. “Right. We definitely need it.”  
“We also need to get out of here.”  
“We still need to finish reading...” lily pointed out.  
“Not now. I can't take any more than that right now. Who knows what else we will find?”  
She nodded. “What do you suggest?”

“Do you remember all the places you wanted to go with me?” Misha asked.  
Lily raised an eyebrow, surprised by his question.

That was like a tradition for her when Misha was coming back from a trip with his family: they would talk about all the places he’d been, and Lily would be jealous and she would ask him to take her someday.

 _“When you’ll be rich and famous, you’ll bring me, right?_ ” she used to joke.

“More or less, I guess?” she cautiously replied.  
“Have you been to some of them?”

His weird behavior made her laugh again. “No, of course, I definitely knew you would come back from the dead so I just waited for you” she joked, but the hint of sadness was still present in her voice.  
He weakly laughed too.  
“There is a place not far from here you were dying to see…”

Why the mystery card now? She couldn’t remember everything she said to him two freaking decades ago!  
“If you’re referring to Seattle, I know it by heart now.”  
“No, silly. I’m talking about an island.”  
She frowned. “An island not far from here? There are dozens of islands nearby how am I supposed to- oh…”

She remembered it the moment she was asking the question. When he told her about this place, she was fascinated and asked a million questions. As always, Misha promised they would go together.  
“Orcas Island?” she asked hopeful.  
“Absolutely. Have you been there yet?”  
“No…”  
She'd never really was enthusiastic about going there alone. Peter wasn’t the kind of guy to bring her somewhere like that, he couldn’t care less. And Katie was boat sick so… no way!

“Good!” he slapped his hand on the table while standing up. “Get ready, we’re going on a boat trip, and we won't talk about that file anymore today!”  
“What… now? The time we get there with the ferry it will be the afternoon already! We won’t have much time to see anything…”

He grabbed her wrist to get her up and wrapped his arms around her waist.  
“And again she doesn’t trust me…” he said in a low voice, shaking his head.  
Lily looked down almost ashamed.  
“Fine! Let’s go then?”

She squealed when he suddenly hooked an arm behind her knees and lifted her in his arms.  
“After morning sex!” Misha declared triumphantly walking towards the stairs.  
“If you insist…”

********************

They arrived at the marina a few hours later. They both had trouble getting out of bed after that, but Lily was dying to go so she was the first to get ready.

“Whose boat are we stealing exactly?” she asked searching the boats around her.  
“How about this one?”  
“Fancy! Will I have to pick you up at the police station again?”

Misha burst out laughing. It indeed happened a few times when he was young. He wasn’t particularly proud of it, but his mom was so rebellious than even with two sons she was still able to end up in jail for minor trouble, and usually Lily’s mother was the one she called for help.

“I think we’re safe this time, it’s mine.” He confessed barely hiding his pride.

Her eyes widened. “Yours? You have a freaking boat?”  
“I do.”  
She laughed again. “God if someone told me when I was sixteen that we would go for a trip on your boat… I wouldn’t have believed it.”  
Misha’s arms slid around her waist.

“Well… I’ve always dreamt to buy a boat and bring you on this island with me. I just never told you.”  
“Why? You’ve never been the secretive kind of guy with me. We used to talk about everything.”  
“I don’t know I just… it was a very ambitious project for someone like me and I just didn’t want to appear ridiculous nor …well… ridiculously poor in your eyes.”

She was supposed to answer him, but something in her heart broke a little when he said that.  
She knew he always had a hard time dealing with the fact his family had so little money. Life remind you your social status all the time, especially when you’re a teenager mocked by the rich and popular kids. _“Lady and the tramp”_ had become the most common name they were called.  
She had defended him as much as she could against those stupid kids, she never saw him like the poor kid in town, she never judged his life style, and she always tried to make him feel like he belonged. Most of the time, it was working and Misha was fine with it, but sometimes, when circumstances were the hardest, he could feel like she was just pitying him, and that was always what hurt her the most.

She gently rubbed the back of her fingers up against his jaw line until she reached his hair and brushed it back.  
“You know I’ve never seen you like that, right?” She looked insistently at him, hoping he would understand she wasn’t kidding about that.

He smiled and leaned his head in her touch.  
“Why do you think I wanted to marry you?”  
A smile reached her eyes when he said that, but she wasn’t prepared for his next line.  
“For your money of course, I had a boat to buy.” he joked but his face stayed serious.  
She playfully punched his biceps “You fucker!” she laughed. “Just shut up and take me to your boat now, Mr. Krushnic!”

Misha extended his hand to help her stepping on board.  
“On a scale from one to ten how jealous are you right now?”

Lily laughed heartedly. “Zero, Misha. I’m not jealous, I’m just super proud of you, and very excited to go!” she playfully clapped her hands.

He didn’t tell her, but Misha was excited too, and very proud to be the one who could finally make her dream come true.  
“Alright, let’s go then!”

He started the engine and Lily took the boat tour while he was leaving the marina. It was not a very big boat so it was quick, and soon she joined him at the wheel.

“Where exactly are we heading to?” she said getting closer behind him and wrapping her arms around his waist.  
“What do you want to see?”

_Everything!_

“I’m tempted to answer ‘orcas’ but that’s almost impossible. Just surprise me.” She smiled and kissed the back of his shoulder, hoping he would understand the subtle way to prove she was trusting him.  
“Deal.” He smiled.

When they arrived in a large creek surrounded by small islands, Misha stopped the boat in the middle of the deep sea. It was a really beautiful and quite place, and the weather was not so bad for April; the sun was playing hide and seek behind the clouds but the temperature was as warm as it could be on this season, and luckily, it wasn’t raining which was rare enough at this time of the year. A few other boats were staying not far from here too, probably enjoying the quietness of this area.

“So... you stopped in the middle of the sea for a swim? I’m not going to be the sharks lunch I’m warning you.” She joked, but she really hoped it wasn’t his plan. Misha was capable of everything, even the craziest ideas!

He laughed “The shark reef is way farther down the coast. But maybe if you smell really good they will sneak here to taste a toe, who knows…” he mocked.  
“Haha, very funny. Don’t cry if it really happens!”

He let out a high pitch laugh and shook his head, remembering her swimming in the gross pond in Northfield when he was live-streaming.

“Don’t worry, if you’re really, _really_ nice with me I won’t throw you in the water this time.”

Lily raised an eyebrow “You’re not suggesting what I’m thinking you’re suggesting, right? Because that would be highly inappropriate.”  
Realizing what she implied, Misha burst out laughing, holding his stomach. For once, sounding inappropriate wasn’t even his intention.  
“God no, I would actually hate seeing those kind of pictures of us all around the internet.”

Lily’s eyes widened and she instinctively looked around suspiciously. Who could take pictures of them here? And frankly who the hell would take pictures in the first place?  
“Really?? Do we have to be careful about that?”  
Misha scoffed. “You would be surprised. But don’t worry about that, I’m handling it.”

***  
It lasted hours… They stayed on the boat eating, drinking, cuddling, talking, taking pictures, calling Katie, calling West and Maison, drinking again, cuddling some more, and Lily didn’t know why the hell he brought her here when there were hundred stunning things to see on the island.

Sure the creek was huge and very beautiful and it was very pleasant to spend good time with Misha in a quiet place, but she was dying to explore the nature around her. She couldn’t understand why he was so determined on staying here.

And then she heard a loud huff and the sound of water splashing, and she knew exactly why he insisted that much.

They were both sitting at the front of the boat when she heard it. Misha was facing the water, Lily was facing Misha, and when she heard that particular sound, she paled and her eyes almost popped out of her head because she knew exactly what it was.

“You should look behind you…” Misha suggested with a smirk.

She did and saw… nothing.

“What the… it was a whale, wasn’t it? Where is it? It’s not like it’s too tiny to see it!” she looked at the glassy surface of the water but couldn’t see a damn thing moving.  
“Patience, Lily… patience.”  
“How can I be patient when there is a fucking whale under our feet?”  
Misha laughed “I really hope it’s not under our feet or we’re both screwed.”

She jumped up when she finally saw the high spray of water.  
“THERE!... I saw it!” she jumped and clapped like a kid opening a Christmas present. “I have no idea what it is though…”  
She turned to look at Misha who was just observing her with awe, a fond smile brightening his face.  
“What?” she asked.  
“Nothing I just… for a brief moment I saw my Lily from Northfield again, and that feels really good.”

Of course she couldn’t react like a wise adult knowing there was a freaking whale nearby. She was fascinated with whales, and pretty much with everything living underwater.

“Just keep looking.” Misha pressed, knowing it would resurface soon.

And he was right, a few minutes later, Lily saw the most amazing thing she’d ever had to admire in her life: the whales jumped up the surface and smashed back down, soon disappearing underwater again. There were two huge whales, not that far from the boat.

Lily smashed her hands on her mouth. She was absolutely stunned.  
“Humpback whales!” she squealed behind her palms. “Two freaking humpback whales, I think I’m gonna cry…”

The playful whales gave them a nice show for a few minutes, jumping high above the water, creating big waves, huge tails saluting them, and they finally disappeared further down the creek.

Lily turned to Misha with shiny eyes. He couldn’t tell if it was just because they were sparkling with joy or if she was indeed close to tears.

“How did you… how could you possibly know… how the heck…” she sighed deeply in defeat, not even able to form a full sentence.  
“Like I said… I’ve always wanted to do this. I observed a lot, and Vicki has a friend who studies ocean mammals so… it helps.”

Lily sat down, leaned her head back against the boat railing and closed her eyes.  
“I can die happy now.” She smiled.  
Misha sat next to her and took her hand.  
“Oh no, we have much more to do first.”

The sun was setting already, and Lily shivered, feeling the cold air of the night on her skin.  
“What’s the next step?” she asked and Misha stood up immediately to start the boat’s engine again.  
“Dinner!”

The boat started to move so Lily looked ahead and saw the water glowing. This place was really a piece of paradise!  
“What’s happening?” she bent over the railing to watch closer.  
“Wow! Don’t do that!” Misha grabbed her arm, afraid she would fall. “It’s just bioluminescence.”  
“ _Just_ bioluminescence?” she laughed “listen to yourself talking like it’s no big deal. It’s freaking awesome!!”  
“Yeah it is, but it’s not worth you falling in the water.”  
“Okay daddy.” She mocked, but it suddenly reminded her of something. “How are things with you and your dad by the way?”

Misha burst out laughing. He expected pretty much everything but this question right now.  
“It started almost kinky with you calling me daddy…”  
She playfully punched his arm. “Come on, you know what I mean. Katie said you were closer now.”

Lily actually never met Misha’s dad. When they were kids, Sasha and he were often traveling to visit him on the weekends, but as they grew up, that tradition stopped. She knew Misha always hated it, and he was sad about the distant relationship he had with his dad. He used to tell her he had the feeling he just didn’t care about his sons as he should do and it was heartbreaking for her.

“Does Katie stalk me or something?”  
Lily rolled her eyes “She’s a fan what can I do? Don’t try to avoid the question.”  
Misha sighed. “We’re okay now. I think he regrets being so absent when we were young even if it wasn't his fault after all. Now he does a lot of things with me for Random Acts and we see each other more often. We talked a lot, especially before West was born.”

She gave him a faint smile.  
“I’m glad you did.”  
“You should definitely meet him... and frankly I’m pretty sure he knows you pretty well already considering the thousand times I talked to him about you.”  
Misha chuckled and Lily followed.  
“I’d like that.” She sincerely replied.

 

***  
They went to eat on one of the fanciest restaurant in Orcas Island because Misha insisted heavily, and then Lily desperately wanted to see the sea glowing again, so Misha brought her on a private beach, hidden behind a resort in the forest.

After hiking along the trail among the trees, they stepped on the cold beach sand and were soon surrounded by a wonderful landscape.

“Wow… This is breathtaking. How do you know this place?” Lily asked walking towards the water.  
“Remember the friend who studies whales? His wife owns the place.”  
Lily scoffed “Being rich and famous helps finding friends too, doesn’t it?”  
She realized what she implied was rude and turned to look at Misha with an apologetic face.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”  
Misha interrupted by taking her hand in his and bring her at the edge of the water.  
“It’s okay. You’re not that wrong. Now take off your shoes.”

She obliged, throwing her sandals on the sand and stepping in the water with Misha by her side.  
“Damn! It’s fucking cold!” she yelped. “I don’t see anything glowing…?”

She saw Misha’s smirk and didn’t like it at all.  
“You don’t know how this works? You swim where the sea is deeper to find the plankton and you keep moving to make it glow. That easy.”  
“Misha… It’s April and the water is fucking cold… There is no way I go swimming further; it already feels like hundreds of fishes are stabbing my feet!”

He stepped close to her and leaned down a little.  
“Even if I promise to keep you warm?” he purred in her ear and kissed the spot under it, sending shivers along her spine.

She had to admit it was tempting, but it appeared she had lost her adventurous gene.  
“I’m not sure… we’ll both be sick tomorrow…”  
“Lily… you sound like your mother right now… take that thing off.” He pulled on her denim jacket and tossed it on the beach near her sandals.

Her mouth fell wide open and she softly slapped his shoulder.  
“I can’t believe you said that!”  
“Shut…” he brushed his lips against hers “…up.” He cupped her face and kissed her softly.  
Lily put her arms around his waist and was glad to feel his warmth wrapping her.  
When Misha broke the kiss, he reached for the hem of his shirt and slid it above his shoulders to completely take it off, soon doing the same with the rest of his clothes, underwear included.

Lily’s eyes widened.  
“I know, it’s impressive.” He joked, earning a high pitched giggle from her.  
“What do you think will happen to that impressive thing when you’ll get in the freezing water uh? Not sure you can keep anything warm with that!” she teased cheekily.  
“Challenge accepted.” He chuckled. “Take your fucking clothes off, Lily.”

That was something she never did and she wasn’t really comfortable with the idea. Sure they had kind of a kink for having sex in public places when they were teens, but today was different, and she wasn’t sure she could do it.  
“Misha… you said we have to be careful about people taking pictures and you’re naked on the beach… I’m not sure I can do that.”  
He sighed. “It’s 2am, it’s dark and it’s a private place, you chicken!”

She huffed and looked around her worried. What a brilliant idea she had to ask him to see the bioluminescence again!  
But then, she remembered she promised she would trust him so… her eyes fell on his naked body and she finally grabbed her shirt to take it off and did the same with her jeans and underwear, feeling the cold breeze of the night on her skin.

“I’m pretty sure my nipples can cut glass right now.”  
Misha burst out laughing and quickly took her hand, bringing her with him further in the water.  
“Mine too, I’ll take care of that, don’t worry.”

He ran still holding her hand and they soon were swimming in deep water. They could still stand on the ground but the salty water was at Lily’s neck and Misha’s chest.  
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuck it’s coooold!” Lily screamed panting.  
“You’ll get used to it, keep moving.” He advised swimming even further, water now at his neck.  
Lily swam next to him but as she was shorter, her feet couldn’t reach the ground anymore and when she tried, her whole body sank underwater, swallowing the cold salty liquid in the process. She coughed when she came back to the surface and Misha laughed mockingly.

“Shut up!” she laughed and grabbed Misha’s shoulders for support.  
“I still don’t see anything glowing though…”  
“We’ll have to find it then.” Misha said walking around in the water, Lily firmly gripping his shoulders.  
“Mish? If you feel something biting you all over, it’s no fish, it’s just my extremely goosebumpy skin, just FYI.”

Misha giggled and grabbed her waist to get her close. She hugged him tighter and wrapped her legs around his waist. The intimacy of the pose triggered her desire for him and she leaned to kiss him, sliding her tongue inside of his waiting mouth.  
Misha grabbed her wet hair and pulled gently to access her neck and suck her salty but fresh flesh. She moaned and her fingers dug into his back deeper.

She ground her hips, trying to get him as hard as she could, but naturally, in the cold water it wasn’t that easy.  
“Mister Krushnic?... Seems like we’re gonna have a tiny, tiny problem here…” she took one of her hands off his shoulder to agitate her pinky in front of him, shamelessly mocking him with a smirk.

Misha seized the occasion, grabbed her hand, reached underwater between their bodies and boldly pressed it against his member, earning a gasp from her.  
“Help me then…” he growled in her neck, sucking at her sensitive spot one more time. "And stop calling me Mister Krushnic, that's my dad, and it could kill the mood."

Lily laughed heartedly but soon her eyes darkened and she sank into his lusty gaze. She leaned to kiss him passionately, grabbed his cock tightly in her hand and started stroking up and down. When it got harder, she rubbed the tip of it with her thumb and Misha groaned in her mouth. She pressed it against her clit and rubbed it fast, her head falling back and her eyes shutting tight in a loud moan.  
She couldn’t feel the cold water anymore, and frankly she didn’t care. All she could think about now was pleasing Misha no matter what.  
She gave him another hot kiss, observing his reactions closely, her hand still working on his now hard cock. She could see his eyes turning darker and darker before shutting tight when he grunted in her mouth.

Their mouths never disconnected the whole time. They were breathing each others air when they were not kissing.  
She was still stroking up and down his length faster and faster, rubbing the tip everytime she could.

Misha was now panting, his hands firmly gripped around Lily’s waist to prevent her from slipping in the water.  
“God… Lily… stop, I’m close.”

She leaned even closer to him and traced hot kisses along his jaw line before reaching his ear and biting his earlobe.  
“I have absolutely no intention of stopping.”

She purred in his ear. Her sensual tone and her hot breath caressing his neck skin while she was working fast on his cock was the end for Misha.  
“Come for me, Misha…” she pleaded in his ear.

He growled her name and sank his fingers so hard on her hips that she was sure she would have marks tomorrow. He came in the water, panting hard and shutting his eyes, ignoring the glorious sight around them.

Lily clinged onto him, wrapped both her arms around his shoulders and buried her face in his neck, leaving sweet kisses every few seconds.

All they could hear were the crickets chirping in the woods, and the water churning under their movements.  
Misha opened his eyes when his breath was steadier and saw the glowing water around them.  
“Lily, look around!”

She looked up and gasped, her eyes widening. They were surrounded by a bluish glow, following each of Misha’s arm movements.  
“Holy shit!” she slammed a hand on her mouth, not even able to breathe properly anymore.

It was probably the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen in her life.

“I dare you to find something more beautiful than that! I mean… I can’t even breathe, it’s stunning. Look at that!” she extended her arms and leaned back, her legs still firmly wrapped around Misha to prevent from falling.  
She lied back in the water, slowly moving her arms around her to admire the incredible show taking place after every movement she made, her long red hair floating around her head in the glowing water. She fondly laughed, not believing how lucky she was at that moment.

Misha was gripping her waist tight, afraid she would slip, but he couldn’t help the gummy smile appearing on his face while observing her.  
“You.” he almost whispered, “you are definitely more beautiful than a bunch of glowing plankton.” He chuckled.

“Aw come on.” She stopped toying with the water to lean back against him and left a peck on his lips.  
“Thank you for this.” She whispered leaving another sweet peck.  
Misha smiled and did the same, tasting her salty lips. They both actually managed to forget about the medical files still waiting for them on the table.

Lily unhooked her legs from him and started to swim around in the fresh sparkling water.

Misha frowned looking a little further, a mischievous idea growing in his mind when he saw the odd shape of a floating buoy undulating with waves.  
“Lily… stop moving.” He declared with a cold warning tone that froze her on her spot.

Sadly, the water was too deep for her so she had to keep swimming or she would sink.  
“What’s going on?” she asked worried.  
Misha pointed at the moving buoy “what’s that?”

She turned around and noticed the weird shape moving further.  
“It’s a… I don’t know?” her voice sounded an octave higher from the fear. “what do you think it is?”  
He had to admit it was kinda cruel, but he just couldn’t help it, he loved teasing her.  
“You probably don’t want to know what I think it is.” He added a hint of panic in his voice. Being an actor helps sometimes, he laughed internally.

Lily breath quickened. “Okay…” she grabbed his wrist and pulled “Our little adventure is over, let’s go back.”  
She started to swim towards the beach, followed by Misha who had trouble not bursting out laughing.  
“Swim faster, Lily it’s getting clo- AAAAAAH” Misha sank underwater, leaving a terrified and panicked Lily before him.  
“MISHA!” she looked around her to see any movement but couldn’t see a damn thing, even with the plankton still glowing.  
“Oh God Misha no!!! MISHAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” she yelled feeling something grabbing her leg.  
Misha got out of the water laughing his ass off and panting in front of a not amused Lily.

Her nostrils flared and he could hear her heavy breathing. She suddenly shoved him and slapped his shoulder.  
“Ouch!” he chuckled.  
“That was not funny AT ALL!” she screamed, making Misha laugh even harder.  
He froze when he heard her letting a cry out. She swam back towards the beach and got out of the water to get dressed.  
“Alright, that wasn’t smart. I’m sorry, Lily.” He apologized while getting dressed too.

She didn’t answer, afraid she wouldn’t be able to control herself.  
“Are you mad?” he ventured carefully.

Lily clenched her teeth and turned around to face him.  
“Am I mad? Hmm good question… Am I mad my stupid boyfriend scared the shit out of me by pretending he was dying next to me again? What do you think Misha???”

When he smirked, she saw red and shoved him again. “ARE YOU REALLY LAUGHING?” If this is one of your kink, well I’m out!” she screamed bending over to pick her shoes and started walking back to the woods.  
“Wow, wow, wow!” he grabbed her wrist stopping her from running. “You’re not getting in the woods alone.” He warned.  
“Right, I could run into a chupacabra, we never know!”

Misha had to bite his tongue to keep a serious face or she would definitely slap him.  
“I’m sorry, it wasn’t a smart joke, I was a cruel ass and it won’t happen again okay? And I smiled because you said I was your boyfriend and hearing it from you after twenty-six years was kind of a kink indeed.”

“Stupid boyfriend. Don’t twist my words.” She pointed out.  
“Right.” he nodded. “I didn’t realize it would trigger something, I swear.”

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes to calm down.  
“Where are we going now?” she asked.  
“How about we’re staying here for the night? I’ll ask my friend if he can arrange something.”

She was tired and the perspective of a warm and fluffy bed of a cabin in the woods was very appealing.  
“Okay.”

***

After a cozy night in a fancy cabin, they spent the rest of Sunday visiting the island. They stayed outside in the nature all day, admiring the most stunning landscapes Orcas Island had to offer.

Unfortunately, when the night came and they were coming home from the marina, the reality caught them both as they realized it was time for Lily to go back to Seattle and Misha had to stop by Rachel’s to see his kids before going back to Vancouver.

When Misha opened his front door and turned on the light, Lily directly went upstairs to pack her stuff. The silence in the house was deafening.  
After half an hour, Misha slowly pushed Lily’s door. She was sitting on the bed, absentmindedly rummaging in her bag. She looked up, seeing him leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed.

“Everything okay? We have to leave in ten minutes if you wanna catch a flight.” He asked flatly.  
“Yeah, I’m almost done.”

She put her bag back on the suitcase, looked at Misha and smiled.  
“It was probably the best weekend of my life. Except maybe for the pregnant part. We still haven't read the rest of the files by the way...”

He smiled back at her and walked until he was in front of her before crouching down, pulled her hair back and traced her jaw line with his finger.  
“We'll do that later. You know we don’t have to say goodbye, right? You could come with me.”  
She looked down.  
“I have a job too, Misha. And my friends are in Seattle.”  
“We’ll have to find a way sooner or later.”  
“We will. It’s too soon.”

Misha nodded. He didn’t think it was too soon, they knew each other already and they had wanted this pretty much their whole life, but he understood she had to think about it.

He wanted her by his side everyday, he wanted to wake up next to her every morning, and nothing or nobody would stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter was longer but I couldn't stop writing and I didn't want to split it. Hope you enjoyed anyway :)


	24. You Look Like Crap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING for this chapter : Violence, injuries and non-con sexual content. If you're not comfortable with this, you may not want to read this. I'll also add some tags.

 

**Northfield – March 1986**

 

“Come on, Misha! You’re making it way too easy for me to kick your ass!” she screamed not even looking back.

Lily was pedaling as fast as she could, trying for once to beat Misha’s ass at a bike race. She would be so damn proud of herself if she could finally be the first to reach for the bridge for once! It never happened since Misha was very fast on his bike, but today was different.

She saw the bridge getting closer and closer and her eyes widened, already sparkling with pride of victory. She pushed even harder on the pedals, focused and determined to win this bet and to prove him she could be as fast as he was, even if she was a girl. When she stopped victorious at the foot of the bridge, raised her hands in the air triumphantly and finally searched for Misha who was far behind.

“Oh, come on!” she called out of breath. “Don’t tell me you let me win because I’m a girl or I swear to God I’ll throw you in the river!”

Misha finally reached the bridge too and climbed down his bike breathing heavily.

“I will never let you win, Lily. Never, you hear me? I told you I don’t feel that good before we started and you took advantage of it to win a bet.”

He sat on the bench next to the path to tie his shoes and swipe the sweat off his forehead. Lily joined him and sipped on her water bottle before offering some to him.

“Aw poor little Misha. Digestion disorder? What did your mom make you eat this time uh?”

He bent over holding his stomach.

“I don’t know what it was but damn does it hurt!”

 

She laughed thinking he was faking it as an excuse.

“Come on you wimp, it’s okay to lose against a girl, you know. You’ll have to take my shift at the orchard, and if my mom asks, I’ll be at the theater to practice for the school concert. Oh and there is no bargaining possible, I can’t be bought.”

Misha leaned back against the back of the bench, and Lily paled when she saw how blank and twisted with pain his face looked.

“Wow Misha? You look like crap! Does it really hurt that much?”

“Thanks for the compliment.” Misha tried to joke but he almost couldn’t breathe anymore.

She gently rubbed his back when his body folded again as he held his stomach.

“I think I’m gonna-” he threw up on the grass before he even had the time to finish his sentence.

“Holy shit…” Lily handed him her water bottle and looked around her searching for help. Her face lightened when she saw her dad’s friend aka the chief officer of Litchfield.

“Hold on and drink some water, I’ll be back in a sec.” she squeezed Misha’s shoulder and ran toward the man asking for help.

A few hours later, Misha was peacefully sleeping in a hospital room after he had an appendectomy.

Lily knocked on the door and entered, seeing Rebecca and Sasha patiently waiting. Sasha was almost snoring in the armchair, he looked exhausted.

“Hey Lily. Come in, he’s just sleeping, nurses said he should wake up soon.” she whispered.

She smiled and nodded before walking next to the bed to observe him. She hated hospitals, it reminded her of her dad’s death after he had his accident not so long ago.

“Can I ask you something, Lily?” Rebecca asked softly.

“Anything.”

“Can you watch him a little while I drive Sasha back home with your mom? He’s exhausted. I’ll be back in thirty minutes or so. I just don’t want Misha to be alone when he wakes up.”

“Of course. No problem.” Lily nodded and smiled reassuringly, but she wasn't very fond of the idea of being left alone in a hospital room with her unconscious friend. It made her a little nervous because she couldn't help imagining the worst in her mind.

Rebecca stepped in front of Lily and hugged her.

“Thank you for getting help soon enough. You’re a good friend.”

“You’re welcome.” She quickly hugged her back.

“Call the nurses if you need anything, I'll warn them when I go out. I won't be long.”

Rebecca smiled fondly and got out of the room with Sasha who was yawning every minute.

Lily took Sasha’s place in the armchair next to the bed and observed Misha quietly. He was looking way better than a few hours ago when he was in pain, his skin had its color back, but the smell of alcohol added to the view of the drip and the drain full of blood wasn’t making her very comfortable.

She took her comic book out of her bag and started reading, and after a few minutes, she was surprised to hear Misha’s weak voice.

“Lily?” he cleared his throat when he heard his own raspy voice.

“Hey!” she threw the comic book on the nightstand and laid her hand on Misha’s arm instead. “How do you feel?”

He scoffed “I’ve been better but I’ll be fine.”

Lily looked at her best friend with utter tenderness.

“Do you want me to call the nurse?”

Misha shook his head weakly “No. I'm fine. Just give me the cup please.” he pointed at the cup of water waiting on the nightstand and downed it fast when Lily handed it to him.

“You scared the shit out of me. Never do that again...”

Misha started to laugh but it made his stomach hurt.

“Oh God don’t make me laugh.” He pleaded. “Don’t worry, I had only one appendix and they cut it off so I can surely say it won't happen again. Where’s my mom?”

“She's driving Sasha home, she’ll be back soon.”

Misha nodded but Lily could see he was worried.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Misha replied immediately.

“Do you think I’ll buy that? I know you too much, I can see something’s bothering you. If you wanna know the truth, doctors said you’ll survive. You can relax.”

Misha smiled and shook his head. She had to joke about everything, hadn’t she?

“No I’m…” he hesitated a moment but he knew he could tell her everything so he went on “who paid for the surgery and the room?”

Lily’s eyebrows rose. “Seriously? You just woke up after they cut you open, you have a drain full of blood hanging on your bed and a drip getting out of your body and this is what you’re worried about?”

Her heart ached at his question, and she started to feel nauseous just from mentioning the drain. She couldn't even look at the thing or she would probably faint. It was such a shame he had to worry about those things at only twelve years old, even when he was in pain! He should know his mother always finds a solution by now.

“Humor me.” He insisted staring into her eyes.

Lily sighed. “Medicaid, I guess.” She replied not very convincing.

Misha looked down and saw the logo of Litchfield Sharon Private Clinic on the foot of the bed.

“Medicaid paid for a surgery in a private clinic? How dumb do you think I am?”

“Misha… do you really have to care about that now? You’re fine and that’s what matters. And this is not a lie. Medicaid really paid for your surgery… except there was no room available in Hungerford’s hospital anymore so we had to find another solution.”

“Which is?”

“Oh no biggie, I prostituted to pay for your room. You owe me one by the way.”

Misha scoffed “Oh really? How did that go? I thought you wanted to preserve for your future husband?”

She gave him her best bitch face.

“That's what my mom wants yeah... but what other choice did I have? I do stupid things for you all the time, Krushnic, you shouldn't be surprised.”

Misha didn’t reply and looked at her intensely with a smirk. All he could think at that moment was how lucky he was to have a friend like her, and he knew perfectly her mother (or grandmother?) paid for the room.

Rebecca walked in and smiled when she saw Misha was awake and smiling already. She stepped next to the bed and kissed his forehead.

“You seem to be okay sweetheart, that’s good!”

Lily stepped away and picked her jacket up the chair.

“Oh yeah he’s just fine, don’t worry.” she pointed at the comic book on the night stand and smiled at Misha “I'll leave that here so you won't be too bored tonight.”

She walked to the door, grabbed the handle and turned around to look at him again.

“By the way… you still look like crap.”

Misha huffed a laugh.

“See ya!” she sing-sung playfully, winked at him, smiled and disappeared in the hallway.

*****************

 **August 21** **st** **2015 - Minneapolis.**

 

Sometimes, luck was on Lily’s side, and when Ludo asked her to play for Minneapolis concert today, she accepted without even knowing Misha would be at the exact same place for a convention.

It’s been four months since she decided to go ahead with him, and those past months have been nothing but a blessing.

It was always hard when they had to say goodbye at the end of the weekend, but they were never apart very long. When Misha was not filming, he was trying to go to Seattle as often as he could, and when Lily had no lessons for a while, she was flying to Vancouver.

They had found a certain balance, but they were talking a lot about finding a place where they could live together, not far from Vicki and the kids, not too far from Katie either.

Lily never spoke about the medical files that were still in Misha's house. She didn't even know if Misha kept reading them, and she wasn't sure she wanted to know. She was utterly scared about anything else she could find in those papers, so when Misha tried to talk about her pregnancy again, she just avoided the subject. Luckily, he understood she wasn't ready to face it yet so he didn't push, but she knew one day he would want more answers and she wouldn't be able to avoid the discussion anymore.

When they found out they would both be in Minneapolis this weekend, they of course did everything they could to stay in the same hotel, and for once, their schedules matched perfectly.

Lily would perform on Friday, and Misha’s convention would only start on Saturday, so they would spend Friday night together and they had the intention of enjoying every second of it. What could possibly go wrong?

The concert was over at 11pm so Misha brought her to a nice restaurant as she was already dressed up in her long black slit dress, plus he knew she was always starving after every concert.

They took their time to eat and enjoy being together, and no matter how hard Lily wanted to go dancing, she couldn’t stop yawning.

“You know… we can just go back to the hotel if you’re too old and too tired to go to the club.” Misha suggested. No need to say he wasn’t very eager to go dancing and seeing her so tired was definitely a good excuse for him. All he wanted to do now was go back to their hotel room and cuddle in bed.

“I’m not too old! But yeah… I have to admit a cozy night at the hotel actually sounds pretty good.” She yawned again.

“Perfect, let’s go then.”

They stood up and walked out of the restaurant, Lily’s arm hooked around Misha’s.

“I have no idea where I’ve parked the car.” Misha confessed through a laugh getting his keys out of his pocket.

Lily laughed “It’s fine, we can walk, the weather is so nice! You’re too old to remember where you've parked your car… it sounds almost pathetic!” she joked and Misha snorted.

They turned in the alley behind the restaurant. It was quiet, the silence only disturbed by Lily’s high heels clapping on the paved concrete ground.

“Can I ask you something?” Misha ventured.

“Of course.”

“You never told me what you did about the estates.”

Ah… delicate subject indeed.

“I umm… I contacted a few agencies last month. They’re studying the files and they’ll make me an offer soon I guess.”

“So you were serious about this… you’re selling both of your family properties… with your grandparents’ grave in the back of the farm…”

Lily sighed, she didn’t like his reproaching tone, but she was done fighting for this. She was way too tired for this conversation right now.

“Yes, I’m selling them, and my grandparents are in the clearing behind the property where I can still go without trespassing.”

When Misha didn’t answer, she felt the urge to justify her decision.

“It’s time we say goodbye to that place now… we’ll build something else together. Isn’t that even better?” she was almost trying to convince herself as it still didn't feel right to her.

Misha sighed but stayed silent, lost in his thoughts.

“ _Nice keys!”_ a male voice called behind them, making them turn to look back at the same time.

Three young men were slowly walking a little further back behind them. Lily frowned at Misha and looked at the car keys he still had in his hand.

“Audi uh? Fancy choice! Can we go for a ride?”

Lily had a terrible feeling growing inside of her chest and held Misha’s arm tighter.

“Sorry guys, but we're going home.” Misha replied a little annoyed, squeezing Lily’s hand and pressing her to walk faster.

In a fraction of second, the man who talked ran next to Lily and took a pocket knife out to cut her purse’s leather straps, releasing it from her shoulder. It was so fast that none of them had the time to react or do anything about it.

“Hey! Give it back!” she protested and wanted to take it back from him but Misha stopped her, stepping in front of her to keep her as far as he could from that man and the knife he was still holding.

He knew better than to contradict three armed men in an empty alley.

“Your keys… now.” the man pointed at Misha’s hand menacingly.

One man stepped behind Lily who gripped Misha’s arm firmly, the two others were still facing Misha who wouldn’t let go of her hand either.

“Take what you want and leave.” Misha handed the keys.

“Good boy…” the first man replied satisfied, but soon looked at his friend behind Lily and nodded.

Once again, they acted so fast than none of them could’ve reacted. The guy who took the keys grabbed Misha’s wrist and pulled hard to make him step forward, releasing Lily in the process, allowing the man behind her to grab both of her arms to trap her.

Misha soon found himself slammed down to the pavement after the man kicked his knees.

“Leave him the fuck alone!” Lily yelled panicked. She struggled under the man’s tight grip, trying to get away from him, but he was too strong.

“Mmmh stop wriggling like that against my cock lady, you’re giving me ideas…”

Lily froze and he pinned her face first against the wall, sliding one hand along the slit of her dress until he reached the flesh of her thigh.

Misha managed to turn his head to look at her, but when he saw she was trapped with a man who clearly had bad intentions, he tried to get up, pissing the two men who were keeping him down off.

“Don’t fucking touch her!” he barked.

“Don’t move, you bastard. And stop telling us what to do or not!” One of the men punched him in the face which hit the pavement hard when the other was searching for his wallet in his jeans pocket. Misha couldn’t even move a damn finger, their grip on him was too tight.

Lily started to silently sob when she felt a hand kneading her butt and the inside of her thighs, and the guy's erection pressing against her lower back. His other hand was still firmly gripping her wrists.

“Please don’t do that… _please_ …” she breathed shakily.

“Mmmh… beg baby… I love it.” the guy smelled Lily’s hair and buried his face in the crook of her neck to lick her skin, but she instinctively turned her head to bite his cheek hard, pissing him off. She spat in disgust, almost throwing up from the only thought she had tasted that monster.

“YOU BITCH!” he slammed her face against the brick wall and she saw stars, but he never let go of her. She could feel the tears running down her face… or maybe it was blood, she didn’t even know anymore.

“Don’t- AAH!” Misha saw red but was interrupted by a strong and painful fist on his cheekbone. He tried desperately to get free from their grip, but the more he was struggling, the more he got punched and kicked all over his body.

“Shut the fuck up!” one of the men ordered.

They all froze when they heard a siren resonating nearby, which luckily made the three men release their preys and flee as fast as they could, taking Lily’s purse, Misha’s car keys, his wallet and his phone with them.

Lily let out a painful sob and her legs were suddenly so weak and shaky than she fell, crouching down on the pavement, keeping her hands on the brick wall for support.

Misha immediately stood and ran toward her despite the sharp pain irradiating in his whole body, kneeling down in front of her to hold her in a tight embrace.

“Are you okay?” he even had trouble speaking, his upper lip was killing him and he could taste his own blood in his mouth.

She shut her eyes tight and buried herself in Misha’s arms, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

“Lily, talk to me!”

She was sobbing so hard that she almost choked on her own breathing, how could she even talk to him?

Misha stayed a little while holding her, rocking and gently rubbing her back for comfort. When he felt her calming down a little, he carefully pulled away to look at her closely. All he could see were bloody scratches along her cheekbone and her temple, her hair was a mess, but he couldn’t figure anything else out. He had no idea if she was okay or not.

When she saw Misha’s face all bloody, his swollen and open lip, Lily made a strangled noise and delicately touched the side of his face, pushing his sticky hair away from his forehead.

“Misha… you’re bleeding badly… I think you need stitches.”

He sighed deeply, relieved to hear the sound of her voice, and pulled on her forearms to make her stand up.

“We need to go back inside the restaurant so I can call someone, they took our phones.”

She nodded and followed him, always gripping his arm tightly because she was afraid she would fall, she didn’t trust her shaky legs to support her along the way to the restaurant.

When Misha pushed the door of the restaurant, the waitress immediately recognized the clients she just served a few minutes ago and came to check on them, letting out a cry of surprise when she saw Misha’s bloody face. He was bleeding so much than huge drops of blood were falling down on his shirt.

“Sir, do you need help?”

“Can I use your phone please?” he asked pushing Lily down to sit on the lobby’s sofa.

The waitress handed her cell phone to him before checking on Lily who was now holding her stomach, feeling nauseous.

The first person Misha thought about to call was Jensen, who appeared a few minutes later in the restaurant along with Jared and Clif.

Clif took them all to the hospital in his minivan, and both Misha and Lily were taken care of at the nearest ER.

Lily saw a female doctor who asked tons of intimate questions that she didn’t want to answer because they made her feel like she was raped and she refused to make them believe she had been. Later the doctor sent her to the X-ray to check if no bones were broken in her head. She had no idea where Misha was and what they were doing to him.

She refused the rape kit too, it was useless, it had only been a little mugging, she would be just fine tomorrow!

The only thing she wanted was to go check on Misha, but the nurse told her to wait in the exam room for her blood test results. Problem was, nobody wanted to tell her where Misha was and if he was okay, and it really started to scare her. She saw herself back in Northfield’s hospital in 1990 when she woke up and her grandmother didn’t want to tell her he was gone.

_Come on Lily, get your shit together, he was just beaten, he will be fine!_

The door opened and Jensen appeared holding a paper cup. He smiled at Lily and handed it to her.

“Latte?” he offered nicely.

Lily smiled back at him fondly. She was so happy to see a friendly face!

“You’re my hero.”

She took the cup from him and sipped on it. Beside Misha, it was probably what she needed the most right now.

“Where’s Misha?” she couldn’t wait any longer to ask him.

“Doing X-rays. They think maybe a few ribs are broken.”

_Broken? Did they hit him that hard?_

“How is he? Nobody wants to tell me and it’s freaking me out.”

Jensen sighed “Well, he had stitches on his upper lip, it doesn’t look very good right now but they said it won't even leave a scar. He’s got multiple contusions and bruises and probably a few broken ribs. I don’t know more yet. Other than that, he’s super worried about you and he’s like a lion in a cage right now so I offered to sneak into your room to check on you.”

Oh God… she wanted to see him so fucking bad right now! She felt so trapped in this tiny hospital room!

“I’m fine! I just have a few scratches on my face, no big deal. I just want to get out of here but they’re treating me like I’ve been…” she huffed and looked down at her cup.

Jensen sat next to her on the exam table.

“Yeah… Misha told me what happened. You were lucky that siren sounded.”

Lily clenched her teeth when she thought about it again. The door opened, this time it was the doctor coming back.

“What are you doing here? Are you family?” the female doctor asked Jensen.

“No, I’m a friend. When can she go?”

“Well… we would like to run more tests as it is the procedure for sexual assault but she refused so… I guess she can go now.”

Lily almost gasped when she heard her saying “sexual assault”.

“That’s NOT what it was.” Lily hissed between clenched teeth.

“Miss Hagen… you have finger shaped bruises on your inner thighs, your neck and your hips…”

“We were mugged and robbed. Period. I want to go now.”

The doctor took a deep breath and reluctantly agreed.

“Fine, it’s your choice. You’re free to go then. But if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

“Sure. Goodnight, Doctor. And thank you.” Lily coldly replied while getting up of the exam table.

She walked out of the exam room with Jensen and Lily looked at the signs to find the X-ray unit.

“I have to go, Lily. Can you make it to Misha?”

“They won’t let me see him if Clif is not here, they don’t know me. They’re probably expecting Vicki to show up. I won’t pass security if you’re not with me.”

Jensen nodded, she had a point.

“Alright follow me.”

They first went to the X-ray unit but Misha was already done so they had to walk through those damn long and smelly corridors again to get back to the ER unit.

_Ugh hospitals!_

“Hey Lizzie, can we go see Misha?” Jensen asked the ER receptionist.

The young woman smiled and almost melted in her chair when she saw Jensen.

 _Huh… probably a fan_. Lily thought.

“Sure Jensen, he’s in room 3 waiting for the doctor. He will be done soon.”

“Thanks Lizzie, you’re the best. See ya tomorrow at the con?” Jensen winked at her with a smile.

“Of course.” She giggled.

Lily almost laughed. He knew exactly how to get what he wanted from his fans, that was almost scary, but right now it was mostly exactly what she needed to get to Misha without any trouble.

Clif was guarding the door with another _huge_ security man. Lily would never get use to that…

Jensen knocked on room 3’s door before pushing it to enter.

“Hey guess who I brought with me?” He asked Misha while he stepped away from Lily.

“Oh thank God!” Misha said before trying to get down the exam table with a hiss of pain.

“Don’t move, you idiot!” Lily ordered stepping close to him and she leaned down to hug him.

“Alright lovebirds, Danneel’s waiting for me, I really have to go. Clif will drive you back to the hotel. If you need anything just call me.”

Lily turned to look at him and she walked towards him to give him a tight hug.

“Thank you.” She breathed.

“You’re welcome, Lily. Go take care of him. See ya tomorrow.”

When he left the room closing the door behind him, Lily turned around and studied Misha.

“You look like crap.” She honestly pointed out. He definitely looked freaking exhausted and beaten up. The pain was very obviously showing on his face.

Misha smiled at her, remembering the time she said that to him after his appendectomy when he was twelve, but winced when he felt the stinging pain in his lip. Lily’s face fell seeing him like that. She walked next to him and stroked his hair back gently. Misha closed his eyes and leaned under her comforting touch.

It had been a damn long day but thankfully it was over now.

“How are you feeling?” she asked and Misha scoffed.

“Like I’ve been hit by a bus. But it’s fine… What I’m actually worried about is you.”

Typical… He was the one lying on an exam table with broken bones and stitches and he was still worrying for her.

“I’m good. I just wanna get out of here and go back to the hotel with you.”

The doctor came back at that moment, surprised to see a woman in the room.

“Hello? I’m doctor Giles. Are you family?”

“Yes.” Misha replied before she could say anything.

Dr Giles hesitated a short moment but nodded and sat on the stool next to Misha.

“Alright, Mister Collins. You indeed have three broken ribs as I suspected. You’ll have to rest a lot and avoid every source of stress for the next six weeks at least. May I suggest you to cancel your weekend obligations and go home? It would be the wise thing to do.”

“No.” Misha replied flatly and Lily’s eyes widened.

_What a headstrong!_

“Wow, wow, wow… Are you saying you’ll still attend the convention tomorrow? Are you completely out of your mind?” Lily couldn’t believe how insouciant and stubborn he was.

“There are a lot of people who are waiting for me and who paid hundreds of dollars to take a photo with me… some of them saved money for years to be able to do that, who’s going to tell them I can’t show up because I have a few bruises? I personally can’t do that.”

She looked at him with her mouth wide open, ready to reply something but couldn’t find her words.

Gosh sometimes she hated when he was wise and charitable.

“I’m afraid your body won’t allow you to do all that, Sir. The pain will be sharper tomorrow and you’ll be exhausted… physically _and_ psychologically.” Dr Giles advised.

Lily crossed her arms. She had a very meaningful look on her face.

“I’ll cancel the panel, but I’ll do the photo ops and the autographs. I’ll be fine. I won’t let those bastards ruin my weekend and my fans’ hopes. No fucking way.”

Lily scoffed sarcastically “You'll be terribly sexy on those pictures looking like that...”

“Alright… I’ll prescribe strong pain killers then…” the doctor interrupted, writing on his prescription pad before handing the piece of paper to Misha. “Not more than four per day. If you need anything else, call me. You’re free to go now. Go get some rest, you need it badly. Both of you.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” Misha said when Dr Giles left the room and Lily nodded at him with a grateful smile.

Misha stood up from the exam table and took Lily’s hand.

“Let’s get out of here.”

***

It was nearly 4am when they arrived in their hotel room. Lily was exhausted and she couldn’t find a single inch of her body that wasn’t sore. Her mind also seemed to reject the idea that what happened tonight was actually real. It just felt like a bad dream.

She sat on the bed while Misha went to the bathroom and turned the TV on, just to have something to keep her mind busy with.

When he came back, Misha found her leaning against the bed board, remote in her hand, but she was not looking at the TV, she was staring absentmindedly at the water bottle on the table near the window.

He quietly walked and sat next to her on the edge of the bed. She turned her eyes to study him, still without a word.

“Are you okay?” Misha asked brushing her hair back on her shoulder.

“Are _you_?” her eyebrows rose.

He scoffed, “Look at me… do I look okay?”

She took the time to study him even closer. His eyes were red and his look was empty, sad and tired at the same time, he had huge dark circles around them, his stitched upper lip was swollen and red, his whole face was covered with bruises, the most impressive one being on his right cheekbone, his hair was a mess and his shirt was ripped.

He was holding his painful chest with one hand, the other one being too busy as his fingers traced along the scratch Lily had on her cheekbone.

“No… you don’t look okay. Told ya… you definitely look like crap.”

Misha’s lips curved and his smile even reached his eyes, but the pain made him hiss.

“Geez, don’t make me laugh… I’ll probably die if I sneeze too, just FYI.” He joked earning a snort from her.

“You don’t look okay either…” he admitted sadly.

Her injuries were far less impressive than his though. Except for the scratch on her face and a few bluish marks on her neck, the rest was hidden under her clothes… or in her brain.

“I’m s-” Misha started but Lily knew exactly what he was about to say and interrupted him harshly.

“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry.” She coldly spat, her eyes starting to sting. “It wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t mine.”

She was absolutely right; it was those bastards' fault. How could people turn _that_ mean? Why would they do that to anybody? For money? That's something Lily would never understand.

“Oh crap...” she closed her eyes and her head fell back against the bed board.

“What's wrong?” Misha asked concerned.

“They stole your car... my 12000$ violin was in your car...” she sighed desperately.

“Don't you have insurance?”

“Nope... the orchestra was paying for insurance, and I don't have any contract anymore so... I'm fucking screwed.”

“Don't worry for that. It's just material.” Misha tried to comfort as much as he could.

He had a point. They were okay (more or less...) and that was the most important.

Misha looked down at her legs and his eyes trailed along the slit of her dress to her thighs.

“May I look?” he placed his hand at the hem of her dress and waited. When she nodded lazily, he slid his hand up along the slit to reveal the dark red finger bruises on the inside of her right thigh.

His jaw clenched and his nostrils flared instantly at the view.

“Son of a bitch…” he hissed shakily.

His first reflex was to mentally kick himself for not moving a finger when the woman he loved was being touched, but he quickly shook that thought knowing he couldn’t have done anything anyway.

When he looked up though, he saw tears falling down her cheeks. He leaned forward and gently took her in his arms. She buried her face in his neck and calmed down after a little while, leaving sweet kisses under his ear.

He hissed in pain when she instinctively wrapped her arms tighter around his chest.

“God I’m sorry!” she pulled back immediately.

“You can call me Misha you know…”

She sat back on the bed and stared at him incredulously, a hand on her mouth hiding her grin. After everything he’s been through today, he still was able to joke. She snorted, still looking in his eyes, and soon it turned into uncontrollable giggles, probably provoked by exhaustion, fear and stress at the same time… maybe even a bit by the pain killers.

Misha tried to resist but seeing her laughing to tears like that made him giggle too.

“Fuck it hurts!”

She lied down on the bed holding her stomach but she couldn’t stop the bursts of laughter escaping her mouth.

She instantly calmed down when she felt Misha’s warm hand caressing her forehead, stroking her hair back.

He leaned down, kissed her as delicately as he could, trying not to hurt his lip and lied next to her. She supported herself on her forearm to look down at him and stroked his cheek, softly caressing his lower lip when her fingers reached it. She was just looking down at him with loving eyes, not saying a word for a while.

She even wondered if it was possible to love someone more than she loved Misha.

He was just lying here enjoying her touch, and without even thinking about it, he told her what was on his mind.

“Marry me.” He whispered lovingly, his piercing gaze almost eating her.

She stopped in her track, frozen by his request. The first thing her eyes caught at that moment was the wedding ring that _still_ was on Misha’s finger.

“You took to much pain killers, Misha… you should sleep.”

“ _Marry me._ ” he insisted, making her chuckle.

She grabbed his left hand and raised it in front of his face. “The position is already taken.” She showed his wedding ring.

He immediately took it off his finger and placed it in his jeans pocket before rolling over Lily, careful not to crush her sore body. He cupped her face and stared intensely in her eyes.

“Will you finally shut up and say yes?”

She blinked, speechless for a brief moment.

“Didn’t I answer that question two decades ago already?”

Misha smirked.

“Say it again.” he whispered.

She swallowed and licked her lips, her eyes still sinking in his loving blue gaze. Last time she said yes, it didn’t end well…

“Yes.” She finally whispered smiling back at him.

Misha gently kissed her and lied down, bringing her with him. She carefully hooked an arm around his waist and rested her head on his chest.

They needed no more words. They just knew they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together, no matter the consequences. They finally fell asleep near each other, happy despite the awful evening they spent.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't surprise anyone by saying the mugging really happened to Misha, right? (I hope so) But keep in mind it's still a fiction and I was not there, I'm not pretending to know what really happened that night.


	25. shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back?
> 
> Okay... I'm really sorry for the long wait, but I took some vacation and it was hard to go back to work. I hope you're not mad at me and you will keep reading :)
> 
> Also a little warning for smut, if it's still necessary at this point ;)

 

When the hotel phone rang at 7.00am that morning, Lily felt like she was stabbed in the brain. She couldn't even open her eyes. She heard Misha groaning, his arm sliding away from her waist, and he picked up quickly to hang up right away without a word.

She didn't move a finger, waiting patiently for his arm to circle her again, for his warmth to envelop her again so she could finally go back to sleep.

But Misha didn't lie back next to her, she felt him getting out of the bed. Her eyes flew open and she slowly rolled over to look at him painfully walking toward the bathroom, holding his broken ribs.

“Misha?” she called in a whisper making him turn around.  
“Go back to sleep, Lily. It's too early.”

_Fuck yes it is!_

They had came back from the hospital at 4am, meaning he barely slept three hours and he was getting ready to go to the convention, obviously feeling even more pain than yesterday.

“You're leaving already? Misha, you need rest! Look at you!” Lily sat and leaned on the bed board. Her body was sore too and every move was painful.

He was clutching on his ribs, trying in vain to reduce the pain he was feeling. He noticed she wasn't too happy about the idea of being left alone today, and frankly he also hated the idea of leaving her behind after what had happened yesterday, but he had made a choice.

He walked toward the bed, leaned on it and kissed her forehead before taking the water bottle on his nightstand to swallow more pain killers.  
“I'm not leaving yet, I'm just getting ready. I'm fine, just go back to sleep, babe.”  
She closed her eyes at his contact and sighed.  
“Don't call me babe.”

Misha looked at her tired face and chuckled weakly. She always hated being called with sweet names, and though he never understood why, he had always found it pretty cute.  
“Okay, sweetheart.” he teased.  
“I'd punch you but...” she didn't finish her sentence, a shadow of pure fear darkening her sleepy face when the image of him being kicked by two men on the paved floor flashed in her mind.

Misha exhaled and sat next to her on the bed, opening his arms to welcome her in his warmth. She carefully placed her head on his chest, her arms around his waist, and she melted in his arms, enjoying the comfort he brought to her.  
“Are we gonna talk about what you asked yesterday?” Lily ventured. She could feel Misha's gaze on her.  
“Why? Are you having second thoughts?”

He fucking asked her to marry him when he was _already married_! Who wouldn't have second thoughts?  
“So... you were serious.”  
“Deadly. As serious as I was when I proposed the first time.”

But not as _SINGLE_ as he was when he proposed the first time!

“You're not mine and that's a huge problem I intend to fix as soon as possible.” he kissed the top of her head. “Unless... unless you don't want to?” he sounded suddenly like a scared teenager again and it broke Lily's heart.

She looked up at him and studied his worried face, lighted only by the rising sun. Her hand rose to his jaw line, her thumb delicately scratching his scruff.  
“There is nothing I want more right now.” she admitted lazily, almost whispering. “But-”  
Misha's finger found her lips to shush her.  
“Uh-uh” he shook his head. “No but.”

Right... trust him.  
She couldn't help but slightly opened her mouth to slowly and sensually kiss his finger that was still on her lips. Misha kept staring at her, his lips parted, enjoying the intimacy of her gesture.

“Kiss me.” He breathed almost desperate.  
Lily's weak smile disappeared as soon as her eyes fell on his mouth.  
“Misha, your lip. I'm gonna hurt you.”  
“ _Kiss. Me._ ” he pleaded.

She let go of his chest to slide up a little on the bed, being now at eye level with him, her gaze devouring his tired blue eyes with love.  
She leaned forward and delicately brushed her lips against his, observing his reaction to check if he wasn't in pain. After he licked his lips, she kissed him gently, licking his lower lip which made him immediately open his mouth to welcome her tongue.

They parted and jumped when the hotel phone rang again on the nightstand.

“Hello?” Misha answered, a little annoyed to be interrupted. “Vic! ... No, no I'm fine, don't worry. I'm getting ready for the con.”

God, Vicki probably heard about what happened (but how??) and was legitimately worried sick. She must've called Misha's phone, and probably Lily's too, but since they were stolen she must've panicked a million times seeing no one was answering so she called the hotel.  
“I wish I was but Lily was with me.” she heard him say on the phone with a low voice. “She's...” he looked down at her. She had found her place back on his chest and smiled at him.  
“She's fine. I'll tell you everything when we'll come back home. They just stole everything we had, phone included, they left a few bruises but I promise we're okay.”

 _Liar..._  
They were both drugged with pain killers and it still hurt like a bitch.

“I have something to tell you but not now... I'll come as soon as I'm back in Bellingham... Kiss the kids for me, I'll call them tonight. Bye.”  
He hung up and put the phone back on the nightstand.  
Was he talking about the proposal? That felt so strange... Misha talking to his wife about marrying another woman... God, what an impossible situation!

“How...” Lily started to talk but hesitated a little. She had to trust him but still... how could she not ask? “How do you think she'll take the news?”

Misha wrapped his arms around her waist.  
“Mmh... she'll probably insist to go shopping with you.”

_What?_

“Shopping?... for what?”  
“I don't know, dress, shoes, make up... you should know better, it's a girl thing. But I should warn you, she wasn't the conventional type of bride so you could eventually show up to your wedding day dressed like a man... or an animal... or not dressed at all.” he chuckled making her head bounce on his chest a little.

Lily stared absentmindedly at the bathroom door.

“This is so surreal...” she let out in a breath.  
“What is?”  
“You... talking about our wedding with your current wife...”  
He gently stroked her arm.  
“This isn't the first time. I probably even talked about it the first day I met Vicki to be honest. I imagined that day hundreds of times in my head, it wasn't easy to let go.”

She was very curious to know what their wedding day looked like in his mind and if it changed over time...

Lily giggled. “Try to seduce a woman talking to her about your ex-girlfriend haha!”  
“Oh come on, I wasn't trying to seduce her, it was like... four months after you 'died' I was still...”  
He let his sentence unfinished, thinking about his first conversation with Vicki and how he was feeling at the time.  
After what had happened just a few hours ago, and being the sensitive mess Misha had always been, he couldn't hide his emotion as good as he'd wanted to and tears stung in his eyes. Luckily, Lily wasn't looking at him so she didn't see.

“Still what?” she asked curious, absentmindedly drawing shapes on Misha's chest with her index finger.  
“I don't know, pick one: a mess, mourning, hurting, empty, dying...” he stopped talking when he felt another wave of emotion coming up from his core to his eyes, trapping it in a lump in his throat.

Noticing his shaky voice, Lily ceased her drawing masterpiece to look up at him. She saw a tear falling from his eyes to his chest, right in front of her face, staining his shirt, and her heart ached. It was even worst than the pain she was feeling from the mugging.

She hated to see him cry, especially because of her. Unfortunately, it happened a lot as Misha had always been very sensitive, like a snowball of emotions, barely able to hide it.  
She remembered the months (or years?) spent after the fire and how terribly she missed him, how haunted she felt, seeing his face everywhere, even in her dreams (or nightmares!), how desperately she ached to find someone who could make her feel the way she felt when she was with him (but she never did), and that's when she understood why he liked Vicki.

“Oh Misha...” she cupped his face in her hand, kissed his wet cheek gently, rubbing his tears away with her thumb.  
“God I'm so fucking terrified...” Misha breathed out closing his eyes, tightening his grip around her.  
“Of what?” she frowned.  
“Loosing you again.”

Obviously, he was still shocked from yesterday's events and it burst out of him now. The lack of sleep wasn't helping either. His eyes were still tightly closed, tears still falling down his face, and his arms still firmly clinging to her.  
“You won't.”  
She tried to comfort him, but they both knew by experience that nobody can promise that. You never know what's going to happen.

Misha rolled them over the bed, careful not to hurt her, but still holding her, afraid to lose the contact with her soft skin. He cupped her face and kissed her with need, not caring a second about the sharp pain of his injured lip.  
“I love you so much it fucking _hurts_.” he confessed still firmly holding her face between his large hands.

Lily was crying too now, how could she not? He looked so fragile right now, she wanted nothing more than to comfort him and tell him everything would be okay but she was so overwhelmed by emotion herself that she was unable to speak.

Misha kissed her again, everywhere. Her mouth, her cheeks, her forehead, her nose, her temple, her mouth again, her neck, her ear, he just couldn't stop.  
Lily moaned when he bit on her neck and sucked her sensitive flesh, careful to avoid her bruises. She wrapped her legs around him and rose her hips shamelessly against his crotch.

Misha groaned in her ear and grabbed the back of her thigh to spread her legs even wider.

He forgot... he was so desperate to feel her and so emotional that he forgot...

She was still wearing the black dress from yesterday since she fell asleep in it, she felt his hands on her thighs and it hurt like a son of a bitch when he kneaded on her bruises, right where the other man did.

And suddenly she heard him clear in her mind.

_**“Mmmh stop wriggling like that against my cock lady, you’re giving me ideas…”** _

The voice of the man from yesterday... the one who was touching her impudently.

“Misha...” she breathed out weakly.

Misha was still kissing every spot of flesh his mouth could find, grinding against her and moaning everytime his cock twitched against her wetness.

 _**“Please don’t do that… please…”** _  
_**“Mmmh… beg baby… I love it.”** _

She shut her eyes tight and pushed on Misha's shoulders to make him pull away from her.  
“Misha **STOP**!” she almost screamed between sobs and Misha froze, hearing the panic in her voice.

He pulled back and looked at her, understanding what was wrong right away and already kicking himself mentally.

Lily turned her head and let out another sob, trying not to show Misha how bad she felt at that moment, but her body was shaking so hard that it was crystal clear for him. He let her go to sit on the bed next to her and brushed her hair out of her sweaty forehead.

“I'm sorry, Lily... I'm so sorry.”

If the situation wasn't that bad, Misha would be amazed the amount of tears that could fall from his eyes... he didn't know he could cry _that_ much in such a short time.

Lily sat up and wiped her tears in her hands.  
“No... no, don't be sorry... it was me, I just...”  
“I know. I shouldn't have. I'm an idiot.”

Misha took her hand in his and rubbed her knuckles with his thumb. That simple touch made her feel a ton better already... so she smiled at him tenderly.  
“I love you, my idiot.” she whispered and brought his hand to her face to kiss it.

And that's when the shrill phone ringtone made them jump again.  
“WHAT?” Misha picked up and almost yelled on the phone.

He suddenly pulled the phone away from his ear, shaking his head.

Lily listened closely and recognized Katie's voice screaming on the phone, almost deafening Misha.  
“OH MY GOD MISHA I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER FIND YOU I SAW WHAT HAPPENED ON TWITTER PLEASE TELL ME SHE'S OKAY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MISHA!!! MISHA? HELLO???”

Lily hid her grin behind her hand and took the phone from Misha's hand.  
“Katie?”  
“LILY OH MY GOD I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO WORRIED!!!!”  
“Geez, calm down, Katie!”  
“How the fuck do you want me to calm down? The Supernatural cast keeps tweeting about Misha being mugged and canceling his panel and I KNOW you were with him after the concert!”  
“Yes, I was. We're fine, Katie, I swear. Misha will show up later at the con, I guess you'll have plenty of photo ops to admire the... extent of the... damages.” she made a face and Misha rolled his eyes.  
“Damages? What damages? What did they do to him? What did they do to you?”  
“Just a few scratches. They stole our things too... and Misha's car...including my Collins.”

Misha frowned and tilted his head. “Your what?”  
“Fuck! That sucks.” he heard Katie through the phone.  
“Yeah... I'll deal with that later. I have to hang up, Katie. I'll try to buy another phone today and I'll send you my new number.”  
“Okay... Take care, sweetheart!”  
“You too. Love ya.”

Lily hung up and looked at a very suspicious Misha.  
“Okay I have questions...” he declared still frowning.  
“Like?”  
“Your Collins?”

She chuckled “My violin was made by Glen Collins.”  
“Oh. No idea who that is but he must be a great guy.”  
“He's dead.” she replied playfully.  
“Okay... he must _have been_ a great guy. And... last but not least, Katie can call you sweetheart but I can't?”

“Yes.” she hissed.  
“Yes? Just … Yes.”  
“Yes...?”  
“Ugh! Why?” Misha whined.  
“Does it matter?”  
“Yes!”  
“She's my friend!”  
“Am I not?”  
She rolled her eyes “You're more than that.”  
“Yes, so I'm supposed to have the right to call you babe... or sweetheart... or honey... or-”  
“My friends can give me pet names, not my boyfriends. Never. It makes me feel like a slut or a kid, depending on the name, and I hate it.”

Misha smirked, trying to ignore the sting he felt when she said 'boyfriend **s** ', and his eyebrows rose “A slut?”  
“He called me baby yesterday...” she coldly replied and Misha's smile disappeared immediately. He stared back at her, not wanting to go back to that kind of conversation, he would break down again for sure... or maybe he would punch the wall considering the rage he felt when he thought about that man touching her.  
“Nessy?” he ventured carefully, remembering their trip to Northfield and Lily swimming in the gross pong, smelling like rotten mud for hours after that.

Lily snorted and looked down.  
“You fucker” she joked “I was hoping you forgot about that.”  
“Oh no. I never forget.” he stood up and kissed her head. “Go take a bath and relax, I'll call my agent before going to photo ops.”

She nodded, happy to get rid of that dress and clean herself from everything that happened.  
“Misha?” she stopped him while he was walking toward the door and he turned to look at her.  
“Yeah?”  
“Can you not talk about me to your fans today?” she almost pleaded, still sitting on the edge of the bed and twisting her fingers nervously.  
“Of course.” he winked and started to walk again when she stopped him again. She was kinda scared to let him go.  
“Misha, how was it?” she asked before he could turn the doorknob. He turned and leaned against the door, frowning.

“I have no clue what you're talking about.” he admitted shaking his head.  
“Our wedding day... in your mind... when you were sixteen... how was it?”

The smile that enlightened Misha's face when he thought about it was probably warmer than the morning sun. He slowly walked toward her and knelt between her legs to be at eye level with her.  
He cupped her face and left a soft kiss on her lips.  
“How about you relax first, and I'll tell you when I come back?”

She covered his hands with hers and leaned in his touch.  
“Hurry.” she simply whispered, and Misha's heart clenched when he understood she was nervous to be left alone today.  
“Promise.”

***

She stayed in the bath for hours... or at least it felt like it. The water was so hot she could've cooked pasta in it, but it relaxed all of her sore muscles and it felt divine.

When she finally found the strength to get out of it, she put some jeans and shirt on, took her laptop and checked her Twitter on the bed.

As she expected, her time line was full of tweets about the accident.

 

 _@Lucy “Misha can't smile. Misha Collins who's smile lights up an entire room cannot smile because his lip is hurt so badly. Im so upset.”_  
_@Lindieface“YES. :( Apparently four guys mugged him and beat him pretty badly. & he's still there doing photo ops, bless him.”_

Four guys? Lily had to laugh at that. Only a few hours had passed since they announced it and there was already one more man in the story.  
Geez thank God there were only three... What would've happened if one more was beating Misha up... or one more was taking care of her.  
She shivered and shook her head, trying not to think about it.

 _@JensenAcklesGod The way Misha hides his stitches makes me so emo :(_  
_@Acklestonkin Jensen covering misha's mouth for him because he knows he's feeling self conscious is the most important thing_

Her chest constricted when she saw the pictures of him with his fans. She could tell he was trying so hard to look okay, but he couldn't fool everyone... everybody saw he was extra tired.  
She just hoped his fans wouldn't ask him to do too many weird poses because he probably wouldn't say no and it would hurt.  
And then of course, Misha answered to reassure everyone... but with what phone? Maybe he found a computer to use.  
_Hey guys! Thanks for all the well-wishes! Just want u to know I've just got some minor scrapes. I'm totally fine! Love u guys._

Minor scrapes my ass... Lily thought. He probably didn't tell anyone about his broken ribs and he was there being hugged tight by hundreds of people...

It was nice to read all the well wishes from the cast members, they were all very nice people and she felt so good reading all the compliments they were saying about Misha.

Lily jumped when she heard a knock on her door. Who could that be? They're all at the con!

She was surprised to see Jensen when she opened the door.

“Hey, sunshine!” he greeted and hugged her carefully. God that man was so damn nice!  
“Hey! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the con if I'm correct...”  
He chuckled. “May I come in?”

Lily stepped aside to let him in before closing the door behind them.  
“I have something for you, and considering the circumstances, I hurried to give it to you because I'm pretty sure it's an emergency.”

Lily frowned when he handed a box to her. When she opened it and found the last Iphone in it, her mouth dropped open and she couldn't form a real sentence to thank him.  
“How... you... what the...”

Jensen chuckled. “You're welcome. Misha got one too by the way, his new number is in the box, and I'm pretty sure he sent at least ten texts to you already so you better hurry to answer before he loses his mind.”

Lily threw herself in Jensen's arms and hugged him tight, not able to contain her tears.  
“You're really an angel, thank you.”

After all he did for her yesterday, he was still here helping her today. And she thoughts every celebrities were selfish jerks... how wrong she was!

Jensen burst out laughing “I'm really not, but thank you. I just hate violence and what happened to you and Misha is unfair. I wanted to fix it at least a little. But now I have to run or I'll be late for my last minute panel since I have to take Misha's place. If you'll excuse me...”

She let him go with a warm smile.  
“Of course. Thank you, Jensen... I really appreciate.”  
“Don't mention it.” he winked at her and ran out of the room, screaming “Oh and Misha's on his way, he'll be here soon just FYI”, closing the door behind him.  
“Thanks!”

She didn't know what else to say, she was just damn grateful.

***  
The good thing when you receive a new phone and you have tons of settings to do is that you don't see how fast time flies. She was busy answering what felts like her hundredth message when she heard the door open and Misha appeared in the room, looking completely fried.

“I know... I look like crap.” he declared while plopping down on the bed.  
“You insisted to go... the doctor warned you it wasn't a wise thing to do. How do you feel?” Lily asked worried and pressed her hand on his forehead, gently stroking his hair back.  
“Like a was thrown into a burning volcano after being hit by a flying plane and tortured by Lucifer himself. Please don't say I told you so...”

“I won't say it then. Is there something I can do?”  
He sighed “Can we just go home?”

Home?... They didn't have a home. How was she supposed to know where he was referring to?  
“Am I supposed to know where that is?” she asked honestly and Misha removed his arm from his eyes to look at her, realizing they indeed didn't have a place to share and call home.

“Your place.” he specified.  
“Okay. Just rest, I'll pack.”  
“If you insist...”

She smiled when she heard him snore two minutes later.  
She let him sleep through the rest of the afternoon and they left when he woke up.

***

Katie jumped in Lily's arms as soon as she opened the door of her apartment.  
“I was so fucking worried!”  
“No need, I'm in one piece as you can see. What were you doing in my apartment?”  
“Just waiting for you. I felt like a lion in a cage in my place...”

Katie studied her and winced when she saw the scratches on the side of her face. When she went to hug Misha and saw his face, she had to cover her mouth to muffle the gasp that went out.  
“They dared doing that to your pretty face...”

Misha chuckled and welcomed her in his arms to greet her.  
“Owww not so tight please! Broken ribs”

Katie pulled away mortified.  
“Fuck! I'm sorry I didn't know... I didn't think it was that bad...”

She turned to look at Lily and playfully slapped her arm. “You let them do that to him and you only have a few scratches? Where the hell were you?”

Lily shared a panicked look with Misha, not sure if she should tell the truth to her friend who would probably overreact... as always.  
“One of the man was holding me, I couldn't move... and FYI I skipped Kung-Fu class so what the fuck could I do alone against three huge men?”  
“I told you we should've take self-defense lessons when-”  
“ _Nevermind_ Katie, it's over and we're fine. Can we leave it at that?” Lily interrupted but Misha tilted his head, obviously interested in the end of Katie's sentence.

“When what?” he pressed... he knew she would crack and tell him soon enough.  
“I said _nevermind_. Katie, I'm sorry but we're exhausted.”

Katie didn't protest, sensing she may have let something big slip through her mouth... again.  
Lily escorted her to the front door to say goodnight.  
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she whispered to her friend when they were far enough from Misha.  
“I'm sorry I thought he knew! You say you tell him everything!”  
“He doesn't know everything and it must stay that way. Understood? I'll talk to you tomorrow.”

Katie sighed. “Your choice... Goodnight love.”  
Lily hugged her friend before closing the door and joined Misha in the kitchen, busy brewing some tea.

“Are you gonna finish her sentence for me?” he asked hopeful.

Lily sighed and sat on the bar stool. “Any chance you can forget about that?”  
“No.” he stood at the other side of the bar and crossed his arms. “Did someone hurt you before?”  
She swallowed and looked down to play with her jeans, trying to avoid this conversation.

“The silence treatment won't work, Lily... not this time. I want to know, and now. You know you can talk to me.”  
He leaned on the bar to look at her closely, but she couldn't look at him in the eyes. She was definitely not decided to talk.  
“Alright...” Misha started to walk toward the front door.

“Hey! Where are you going?” Lily followed.  
“Katie's. At least she talks.” he replied annoyed, turning the doorknob.  
“No, _wait_!” it got out harsher than she meant, but she wasn't very comfortable with this conversation. “I... I'll talk. Don't go. It's not as bad as it sounds, really.”  
Her version would definitely be lighter than Katie's.

Misha took her hand and led her to the couch where they both sat face to face. He raised his hands before clapping them back. “I'm listening.”  
“I don't know where to start...” she confessed.  
“Did someone hurt you before?” Misha helped.

She looked down at her hands. “Yes. Kinda.”  
Misha swallowed, trying not to push her too much despite the anger rising in his core already. “Who?”  
“Some guy I dated when I was in France. It was a long time ago, it happened once and I've never seen him after we broke up. Can we leave it at that, please?”  
His nostrils flared “Ex boyfriend?”

Okay so no was the answer to her previous question obviously...  
“Not really...” she paused for too long, annoying Misha even more.  
“Lily... what are you scared about? Talk to me, please. I need to know. You used to tell me everything...”

She sighed again and looked up to meet his comforting eyes, but she could feel a disturbing wave of shame burning inside of her chest already.  
“I... there was a time, few months after I started therapy in France, when I coped with mourning by... unhealthy methods. It led to... meeting a lot of people, and sometimes bad people.”  
“Okay... what do you mean by 'unhealthy methods'? Drugs? Alcohol?”  
“No... this is very awkward to talk about that with you...” she confessed shyly.

Misha took her hand and rubbed her knuckles. “I can hear everything. You should know that.”  
“I was getting out a lot... in clubs... drinking too much, and each time I would … pick up a guy to … you know... end the night with.”  
“Oh...” was all he could answer.

Imagining Lily picking up a different guy to fuck each week was beyond torture for Misha, especially so soon after he was supposed to be dead. Not to mention it was far from her personality.  
“Dr Dorville, my therapist, said it was my way to cope with you being gone. She said... she said I missed you so I needed to find someone to fill the need. It became like a drug, I needed someone to be close to, but as it was never enough filling my craving, I did it again and again, the goal being to find someone who could make me feel... safe, and loved. At least as safe and loved as I felt with you. But it never did.”

Misha's grip on her hand tightened.  
“I met Ben one of those nights, he was ten years older than me, I liked him, he liked me, and I surprised myself wanting him more than once so we saw each other more often, but after a while I got tired of him because it still wasn't enough for me, so I found someone else... and he wasn't happy when he found out so he got mad and since he was high and drunk pretty much all the time it turned into a fight when he came to tell me how he felt. I've never seen him again after that night.”

Lily looked down at their intertwined fingers and she rubbed her thumb on Misha's palm.  
“I'm not proud of it. And... they all had the most cute names to call me, but even today I still feel like a slut when I hear someone I sleep with calling me like that...”

_Oh... so that was the reason why..._

He was so quiet... way too quiet. Lily felt very uncomfortable and ashamed. Whatever the reason is, it's never a good thing to act that way.

“Please say something...” she pleaded.  
“How many?” The question even surprised himself.  
The answer was unfortunately even more shameful for her.  
“I... don't know. Too many. I lost count. It lasted almost a year, I went out every weekend... you do the math.” she blushed furiously.

A single tear fell from her eyes as she looked away but Misha was still firmly holding her hand without moving.  
“I know how it sounds, Misha... I won't blame you if you think this is bad because it is. Just... please don't judge me on that.”  
“Who am I to judge someone who lost everything in one night? You... you just did the exact same thing I did, except I was lucky enough to find the right person the first time.”

Misha smiled and it warmed Lily's heart up instantly. She slid forward on the couch and wrapped her arms around his chest. She needed to feel him, she needed to know he still loved her even after that.  
He hugged her tight and kissed the top of her head.

“I'm sorry.” she breathed out.  
“Don't apologize. You don't need to.”  
“I feel guilty...” she confessed.

Misha pulled away to look into her reddened eyes.  
“Wanna know a secret?”  
Lily frowned but didn't answer.  
“I felt so guilty the first time I slept with Vicki that I pretended to be hungry to go out and I threw up as soon as I crossed her front door... on her porch.”

Lily pressed her lips together to suppress a laugh, but she failed miserably and snorted, soon joined by Misha's chuckles. Misha grabbed her waist and leaned back on the sofa, bringing her with him. She instantly placed herself on his chest and wrapped her arms around him.

There was an unhealthy curiosity in Lily's mind when she thought about Misha's first time with Vicki. She wondered if it felt as awkward and guilt-wracking for him as it felt for her when she slept with all those guys.

“I wanted to marry you at the farm... just us and our families.”  
Misha suddenly changed the subject, playing absentmindedly with a lock of her hair while staring at the ceiling.  
Lily looked up but didn't say a word, a smile appearing on her lips when she tried to picture the scene.

“I thought about the pond first, near the weeping willow, it would've made great pictures... but then I thought about your grandfather, and I couldn't get the clearing out of my head since he married your gran' there.”

She swallowed the lump in her throat, still unable to figure what to say.  
“I didn't care about my clothes, about the food or any of those stuff, it didn't matter. I just wanted a small thing in our place and it would've been perfect. I pictured you in a casual white dress though... not a fancy one... wearing that necklace of course.”

He looked down and grabbed the wooden ring he made for her, still hanging on her neck.

“That's it... nothing more. That was enough for me. I just wanted you to be mine.”  
She looked at him and smiled.  
“I would've loved it.” she sincerely replied before kissing him.

She deepened the kiss and closed her eyes when she felt his warm hand caressing her lower back.  
Her left hand found its way under his shirt, needing to feel more of him.

She broke the kiss to stare into his blue eyes but none of them could speak, so she moved up on the couch to straddle his hips. She grabbed the hem of his shirt and lifted it up his shoulders, still staring hungrily at him.

He didn't protest and placed both of his hands on her hips after tossing his shirt away. He didn't move, not sure if she was okay for more after what happened. She was just here, looking down at him, her hands caressing his chest.

They stayed like that for a moment before she bent over him to leave wet kisses all over his muscular chest, his shoulders, his neck, her long hair brushing his skin. She traced her way with her tongue down his body again, stopping at his waist to fumbled with his belt buckle.

She opened it and unzipped his pants, but Misha was still not moving. His hands were still on her hips, squeezing a bit everytime she kissed a sensitive spot, and his jaw clenched, but he didn't make a move, afraid to remind her of this morning.

She raised her hips just enough to slide his jeans down at his knees and sat back on his hips, her eyes closing at the sensation of his hard cock pressing between her legs through his underwear.

She leaned forward again to kiss and trace her fingers along his chest once more, and she teasingly pulled down on his underwear when she reached it.  
She looked up at him and smiled, kissing his hip bones again and again. The look on her eyes made Misha wild and all he wanted was to get up, grab her and fuck her on the couch, but he didn't move and let her do what she wanted with him.

And she knew exactly what she wanted...

She grabbed his underwear to slide them down at his knees too, freeing his cock in the process. She sat down on his thighs and grabbed him in her hand, pumping a few times, earning a low moan from him.

She needed to taste him. Since she thought about it, she couldn't get it out of her mind. She had never done that with him. That's not something she thought about when she was sixteen, but now...

Now... she bent over him, her lustful eyes still staring at him, and she licked her lips.

And it took all the strength in Misha to stop her, his hands flying from her hips to her shoulders to block her from bending further down.  
She almost let out a frustrated whine, her face was inches away from his cock and all she wanted right now was to lick it.

“You don't have to...” Misha frowned.

Lily could hear the need in his words, she could feel his sweaty warm skin under her touch, she could feel his shaky legs between hers, she knew he wanted this but was worried for her.

“Hands down.” she ordered, grabbing his wrists to guide him.  
She pinned his arms on his sides and Misha swallowed thickly, his eyes never leaving hers.

His cock twitched on his stomach, making Lily smirk before she grabbed it back in her hand.  
She licked her lips again, desperate to taste him, and she bent further down, holding his gaze, her mouth stopping very close to his already leaking tip.

“May I?” she asked defiantly, eating him up with her gaze.

Misha was now panting from anticipation, and he could feel his legs trembling under her.  
“Please...” he breathed out.

She leaned further, right at the base of his cock, stuck out her tongue and slowly licked his length all along, until her tongue reached the tip, and the deep moan that escaped Misha when she wrapped her mouth around him and hummed almost made her come in her pants.

She took her time to taste every inch of him, circling her tongue around the tip of his twitching cock, sucking and swallowing every drop of precum she could feel. He tasted so fucking good...

Misha shut his eyes tight, hoping it could last forever, but knowing he wouldn't be long coming with her sucking hard on his throbbing cock like that.

She took him as deep as she could, savoring his taste with her tongue flat on his length everytime she pulled back, sucking hard on the tip and teasing the sensitive spot with her tongue.

“Yes...” Misha hissed and his hips bucked up.  
He couldn't help his hands from grabbing her hair to guide her, and she couldn't help swaying her hips on his legs.

Misha suddenly pushed on Lily's hips to raise her a little bit, allowing him to unhook one leg from under her, getting rid of his pants and underwear. He put his left leg aside, allowing her to feel his right knee pressing between her legs when she straddled back down on it.

Lily ground her hips against him, bent down to take him back in her mouth and moaned around him sending shivers in his whole body.

She pulled back to look at him and licked the thread of precum hanging from her lips. She smirked seeing the dark look in his eyes, and she didn't resist when she felt his hands, still in her hair, pushing toward him again. She opened her mouth and took him back as deep as she could, sucking even harder.

Misha was absolutely unable to stay still and thrust up faster and faster, harder and harder, fucking her mouth restlessly.

“Yes... fuck Lily I'm so close... fuck!”

She had no intention of letting go, she wanted to taste all of him and she wouldn't stop before tasting his cum.  
She rubbed her clothed crotch against his knee again and again, unable to stop the moans from coming, much for Misha's delight.

She sucked and licked harder, following his frantic movements, trying to keep breathing whenever she could. She looked up at him when she felt his hips moving slower in an unsteady rhythm and she swallowed around him, sending him over the edge.

“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! AH! Lily... FUUUCK! UGGHHH!”

His fists tightened in her hair making her whine, and she came right before he did, just by humping his knee, whimpering insanely around his cock. He came in her mouth a short moment later, never leaving her gaze when she swallowed all of him.

She let him go, licked her lips and sat up straddling his thighs when his head plopped down on the couch and he closed his eyes, hiding them behind his forearm and panting to catch his breath.

Lily stayed on his thighs smirking, admiring her work for a while.  
“I didn't hurt you, did I?” she asked when she saw he was still panting under his arm.  
“I don't know, I can't feel my body anymore...” he chuckled lazily and finally took his arm away to look at her.

She lied down on top of his naked body and placed her head on his chest, listening to his still fast heartbeat.  
“Amazing way to end that fucked up weekend.” she confessed weakly.

And it hit them at the same time like a brick wall: tomorrow they would go back to work... tomorrow they would say goodbye, again... tomorrow they would be apart, again...tomorrow they would crave each other, again.


	26. Complications

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally found how to add pictures! It was time!!

 

“You _WHAT_?” Lily almost screamed, the panic obvious in her high pitched voice.

“It's just a couple of days, we have to wrap this scenes, you won't even notice I was gone.”

“Of _course_ I will notice! You can't leave your kids with me just like that, I'm not... I'm not good at that, I'm not ready for this!”

Sure she had spent a lot of time with West and Maison, they all spent a lot of weekends together, Misha even transformed Lily's practice room into a kid's bedroom, but she never had to watch them both at the same time without Misha or Vicki around, and she was scared to death to mess this up.

“What are you so afraid of? You know them, they know you and they like you a lot, what's the worse that could happen?”

“Where do I start? What if they keep crying because they miss you or Vicki too much? What if they feel abandoned? What if one of them is sick? Or worse: both of them! What if someone fall down the stairs, you know how dangerous those fucking stairs are! What if my apartment catch on fire?”

Misha chuckled. “Stop it, drama queen. It's only two days and it will be absolutely fine. If you need anything you can call me or Vicki, she will be here if you need her.”

Lily sighed deeply.

“You can do this.” he hugged her and kissed the top of her head.

“No...” she whined and Misha chuckled again.

“You definitely can do this. I trust you.”

“You shouldn't.”

They were interrupted by two little arms circling Misha's legs. He looked down to meet Maison's pleading eyes.

“Daddy I wanna hug too.”

Lily pointed a the girl “See? She's already jealous, she will hate me...”

Misha took his daughter in his arms and she instantly hugged him.

“Daddy has to go now, will you be good with Lily?”

“Yes!” Maison smiled looking at Lily who almost melted from the cuteness of this little girl.

“Good.” Misha kissed her. “Where's your brother?”

That's when they heard an awful high pitched scratchy sound coming from Lily's bedroom.

“He's playing the violin!” Maison ran toward the deafening sound.

Lily's terrified eyes widened while Misha ran behind his daughter.

“West... we've talked about this, stop touching what's not yours!”

“I just wanted to try...”

“Well don't. Now I really have to go, if I come back and Lily says you were bad, you'll both be in trouble. Okay?”

“Okay...” West pouted.

“Good. Now out of this room.”

Misha led them out of the bedroom and met a very not serene Lily in the living room, leaning against the dining table.

He cupped her face to kiss her.

“It will be okay, don't worry.”

“Yeah...” she replied not convinced.

“I love you.” he kissed her forehead and let go, grabbing his suitcase.

“ _I love you tooooo!_ ” West and Maison screamed back at the same time, knowing it was Lily's next line.

Misha smiled widely and Lily chuckled “I love you too.”

The kids giggled loudly and ran to their room.

Misha walked out of the apartment and closed the door behind him.

“I'm not gonna survive this...” Lily whispered to herself.

 

***

 

“Stop moving! You're soaking the whole bathroom!”

Lily wiped her sweaty forehead, trying desperately to wash Maison's sticky hair. Misha was gone for two hours, and she already tried to style her hair with maple syrup...

“It hurts!” the little girl cried.

To be honest, at that same exact moment, Lily wanted to cry too.

“Your eyes sting because you won't stay still when I'm trying to wash your hair, you have shampoo in your eyes, just... just... please stay still.”

“But I hate water in my eyes!”

“The water won't come in your eyes if you close them and _stay... Still_!”

Maison cried even more but finally closed her eyes, allowing Lily to rinse her hair. She then dried her face with a towel.

“You can open them now...”

_Please... no stinging... please..._

Maison slowly opened her eyes and looked at Lily with her huge reddened orbs. She didn't scream, she didn't cry... she smiled and Lily's heart melted a little more at this cute sight.

“See? You're fine. Can we go out of the bath and go make dinner with West?”

“Yes!” she jumped in Lily's arms to go out of the bathtub.

Lily dried her and put her pajamas on before getting out of the bathroom with Maison in her arms, meeting West and Katie in the kitchen, busy preparing pizzas for dinner.

“I'm exhausted.” Lily plopped down on a chair next to her friend.

“It's only been two hours...”

“I know! Told you I'm not gonna survive this.”

“Eh... this little chipmunk is kinda cute.” Katie nodded at West.

Dinner happened without major accident, and while Katie went to read a story to Maison before going to bed, West wanted to watch his favorite cartoon on TV.

“You know I don't have a TV...” Lily reminded him, and West looked at her like she was an alien again.

It wasn't new for him since it was not the first time the kids spent the weekend at her place, but everytime West had to ask her the same question.

“Why don't you have a TV? Everybody has a TV...”

“I told you a million times, I just don't watch TV. Why would I buy a TV if I don't watch it?”

“Are you poor?” West asked bluntly.

“What? What kind of question is that? You don't ask that to people, it's rude!”

“Daddy was poor.”

_Ouch..._

Lily tried to find a way to avoid that conversation, it was not her place to talk about Misha's childhood with his son, and it made her very uncomfortable. Who knew what Misha told his kids?

She looked at West who was still holding her gaze expectantly.

“Did he tell you that?” she asked not sure where it would lead.

“Yes. He told me he was living in your house with uncle Sasha and Bumble Bee because they were poor. And he said you had a TV in your house...”

_Smartass..._

“My parents had a TV, yes. But I don't. End of the conversation. Do you want a story too?”

“Will you bring us to your old house?”

“Why would I do that? It's broken and dangerous because of the fire.”

“Daddy said it was his favorite place in the world, I want to see it.”

She really needed to have a conversation with Misha to know what he said to his children about his childhood...

“Oh... he said that? What else did he say?”

West looked up and put his index fingers on his chin to think about it.

“Mmh... He said he met you when you were kids just like me. And now you're old but you’re still friends. ”

Lily chuckled. “We were a little older actually. We were nine. And we’re not old, we’re mature. Big difference.” she corrected almost vexed even if she knew Misha said that to his kids only to joke.

“He says it’s important to find good friends like you and uncle Darius because we always need our friends.”

“And he’s totally right.” Lily smiled tenderly.

She stood up and walked toward the kid's room.

“Alright, come on, it’s time for bed now. Sorry for the TV.”

West followed silently and Lily was surprised when he climbed in his bed without protesting.

“Do you want a story?” Lily offered.

“Yes.” West and Maison answered at the same time.

Katie crossed her arms pouting. “I just told you a story!”

“It's for West now.” Maison replied innocently, making both women chuckle.

“Alright...” Lily walked toward the book case. “What book do I read tonight?”

“I want the story of when you met daddy.” West replied remembering their previous conversation.

Lily stopped in her track to look at him.

“Didn't he tell you that story already?”

“No. He says I have to ask you because you tell it better.”

Lily chuckled and looked at Katie who was sitting on Maison's bed. She stepped forward and sat on West's bed.

“I'm not convinced it's the truth but um... okay... I'll try.”

 

 

************************

**Litchfield CT, Spring 1983.**

 

 

Lily's small fingers were dancing along the grand piano in her grandparents' house. After five years of practicing, she was getting pretty good at it.

She loved spending her free time in Litchfield with her grandparents. They were always taking the time to make lots of things with her and it was refreshing to spend some time away from the farm. Her grandmother was cooking a lot with her, and she was teaching her how to take care of the garden, while her grandfather taught her pretty much everything else, his favorite activity being crafting cute animals in wood pieces, and going for long walks to study the nature. She could listen to her grandpa talking about flowers and insects for hours without being bored a second.

“Papa?” she looked up at her grandfather sitting next to her on the piano bench without even stopping to play “Do you think I can play another instrument and be good at both?”

He leaned down a little to kiss the top of her hair.

“You can do anything Babygirl. Are you bored of the piano?”

“No... but I'm fascinated by people who plays the violin and I really want to do it more. It's beautiful. I don’t know if I can be good at both though. Violin is much harder.”

Simon smiled at his granddaughter and rubbed her back.

“You should definitely persist and practice more then.”

“ _Pie in ten minutes!”_ Lily heard her grandma calling from the kitchen. She looked at her grandpa again with a wide smile, so proud for baking a whole apple pie by herself for the first time without any help from an adult.

“Can't wait to taste that delicious gourmet dessert!” he winked at her. “but first, you need to finish that sonata because it's beautiful.”

That's when they heard the doorbell ringing, interrupting their practice session.

“I got it!” Simon screamed to his wife.

“Keep playing, honey, I'll be back soon.” he said while leaving the room.

Lily focused on the music sheet in front of her and resumed playing the Moonlight Sonata. A few minutes later, she saw the familiar shape of her grandfather's silhouette coming back in from the corner of her eyes, noticing he wasn't alone.

She stopped playing to look at the boy standing next to him. She had no clue who he was and what he was doing here.

“You should keep playing honey, he liked it a lot.” the old man winked at her with a smile.

She stared at her grandfather with an amused look, being so used to him bringing strangers home.

“Does he have a name?” she asked playfully.

“Misha. He brings the papers to us everyday and I’ve never thanked him properly, it’s a shame isn’t it? Misha, this is Lily, my granddaughter who will make the honor to finish that sonata for you.”

“Hi...” the boy greeted shyly making her chuckle.

“Hi Misha!” she replied with a smile.

She cleared her throat and straightened on her seat, placed her fingers back on the keys and started playing again. She was so absorbed by the music that she didn't even notice her grandpa approaching her and placing Misha right next to her on the bench, where he had been a few minutes ago.

She opened her eyes after the final note resonated in the living room and saw him staring alternately between her fingers and her face.

She turned her head to smile at him.

“How was it?” she asked content.

Misha kept staring at her with awe.

“Beautiful.” he almost whispered and Lily's smile widened.

“Beethoven will do that to you.”

“I wish I could play like that.” he admitted weakly.

“You can! You just have to practice! Would you want me to teach you a piece?” she offered sincerely, making her grandfather laugh.

“Sure... but I don't have a piano to practice.”

“You can practice here!”

“Pie is ready Babygirl, your grandmother is giving me the look, we better hurry...” Simon interrupted the kids.

Lily jumped from her seat and took Misha's hand to lead him toward the kitchen.

“You have to taste it! I baked it myself! We can have icecream too!” She was obviously very excited about it and Misha's mouth watered just thinking about icecream.

They both sat at the kitchen table, waiting for their plate.

“Oh we have a guest! I'll need another plate then.” Bethany noticed happily.

“It's Misha the paperboy! I'm sure Papa forgot to pay again... didn't he?” Lily laughed.

“Guilty!” Simon admitted while sitting next to her. “he'll have apple pie with icecream, that's good enough to forgive me, right?”

They all took their first bite at the same time and Lily's face fell a little.

“It's... not as good as yours Nana... But I followed your recipe...”

Bethany glanced at her husband with an amused look.

“Honey... I think you forgot to put sugar in it...”

Lily frowned and pouted, but when she looked at Misha's empty plate and content expression, her face lightened.

“You liked it?” she asked him hopeful.

“A lot.” Misha almost burped. He ate really fast...

Simon and his wife shared a suspicious look.

“Where do you live, Misha? I've never seen you around before.” Simon asked first.

“Bantam, not far from the lake. We've not been here for a very long time.”

“We?”

The old man couldn't help it... he sensed something was strange with that boy and being the caring man he's always been with kids in this town, he wanted to know more about Misha and his family.

Bethany looked at her husband with a meaningful look. Lily could almost hear their silent conversation.

“My mom, my brother and me.” he sipped on his orange juice.

“Oh... where's your dad?”

Bethany flashed her wide open eyes to Lily's grandfather. He couldn't do that again, he was retired!

“He doesn't live with us.” was all Misha replied and he looked down to play with his fingers.

“I think Misha needs another piece of pie!” Lily offered playfully.

Her grandparents shared an amused look and Bethany stood up to serve the kids again.

“I think I'll pass...” Simon answered when she offered another piece for him too and Lily's grandmother had trouble keeping a serious face.

*********************

 

“That's how we met... I almost poisoned your dad with unsweetened apple pie.”

West and Maison giggled in their beds.

“Alright, time to sleep now.” Lily stood up to join Katie who was leaning against the door-frame.

“Another story!!” Maison screamed.

“No Maison, I said one. You sleep now.”

“Kiss!” the girl extended her arms _._

Lily sighed but walked toward the beds and leaned down to kiss Maison on her forehead. She wrapped her little arms around Lily's neck to keep her from walking away.

“Goodnight Maison.”

“Goodnight Nessy.” she kissed her cheek.

_God that little girl is just sweetness on legs._

 

Wait... _**what???** _

“What did you call me?”

“Nessy! Daddy said he calls you Nessy because you stink.”

Katie snorted and hid her mouth behind her hand.

“That's a lie. Your dad sucks at telling stories so he’s jealous and he’s a brat. Don’t listen to him.” Lily crossed her arms.

“You smell good!” West protested and extended his arms to welcome Lily's goodnight hug. “But daddy’s good at telling stories he makes funny voices.”

“Yeah whatever. I’ll practice and I’ll do it too. Goodnight Westy.” she kissed his forehead and walked out the bedroom with Katie.

The two women plopped down on Lily's couch with a glass of white wine.

“We earned it.” Lily breathed out.

“They're cute.”

“When they sleep...”

They both laughed.

“Did you and Misha become friends right away?” Katie asked all of a sudden, still thinking about Lily's meetcute story.

“Not really... I mean we got along right away and he was coming often to hang out with grandpa and I was just following but I can't say he was my _friend_ right away. I was so used to it, grandpa always brought new people in our lives, it wasn't new for me to just be nice with a new neighbor he decided to help.” Lily explained sipping on her wine.

“What was different with him then?”

She thought about it a moment and Katie saw a small smile slowly curving her lips.

“I don't know... there was a strange... passion mixed with a hint of sadness in his eyes, but he was still goofy and fun to be around, I was curious about him just like my grandfather was, and the more I've learned to know him, the stronger our relationship became I guess. You know how hard it is for me to consider someone as a true friend... Misha proved he was mine several times, I understood that clearly especially when my dad died.”

Katie looked at her best friend “Your dad died when you were ten... you met Misha when you were nine. It took you a whole year to figure it out?”

“Like I said, I couldn't call all my grandfather's lost boys my friends. I knew they were just passing by and they would go. I always try to not get too attached to people who just pass by. But Misha kept coming back in my life.”

“What happened when your dad died that was so strong for you that you finally qualified him as your friend?”

“Oh that's a story for another night. I can't talk about that without tearing up so... not now, I'm way too tired.”

“Okay grandma! I'm gonna go home then.”

“What? You're not leaving me alone with the kids! I have a free spot in my bed if you wanna crash.”

“Oooh I'm gonna sleep in Misha's spot with his smell all over the sheets... hello wet dreams!”

Lily playfully slapped her. “You pig, David will be damn happy to know about that!”

“Oh he knows... he knows.” Katie winked at her friends before walking in the bathroom to get ready for bed.

 

***

 

“MOMMYYYYY!”

Lily's eyes popped open when she heard Ryan's voice calling.

“MOMMYYYY!!!”

Katie whined and looked at the alarm clock. “What the fuck?”

When Lily realized where she was and that it was actually West's voice, now followed by Maison's sobs, she got out of bed to go check on them.

Of course they would scream through the night... she was that lucky.

“West, what's going on? It's 3am you need to sleep.” she sat on his bed and her chest clenched when she saw the tears in his eyes. Katie walked to Maison's bed sleepily and sat too.

“I saw something... I want Mommy.” the boy confessed shakily.

_Oh no..._

“Your mom's not here baby... can I do something?” she glanced at Katie who saw the panic in her eyes.

“No I want mommyyyy!” he sobbed.

Lily started to panic a little seeing him crying like that.

“I’m sorry sweetheart but that’s not possible right now. Mommy’s too far to come in the middle of the night.”

“I hate it!” he yelled.

“Hate what?” Lily frowned.

“Being here without mommy! I don’t want you I want mommy and our house! I HATE IT!”

Lily swallowed the heavy lump that suddenly appeared in her throat and tried to hold her tears back.

So this is how it feels to face one of your biggest fear… She knew it could eventually happen when she agreed to settle with Misha, but watching West crying huge tears and admitting he wasn’t okay with this situation was unbelievably painful, and the guilt that raised in her chest at that moment almost chocked her.

She turned to look at Katie who was holding Maison, also crying because she probably was scared now, and her heart broke into a million pieces.

She was helpless and didn’t know what to say or do to calm them down, and she started to regret all of this, hating herself for ruining Misha’s kids life in the process. They were innocent, and then here they were, hurting because of her selfish choice.

“How about we all get up to drink some hot chocolate and chill out a little?” Katie offered, feeling her best friend was losing control and was visibly overwhelmed.

“Yay chocolate!” Maison jumped.

Lily sighed and threw a grateful glance at her friend with relief. She definitely owed her one.

West followed them in the kitchen still pouting, but eventually he stopped crying and sat still on the sofa to sip on his hot chocolate.

Lily didn’t speak that much, she was too shaken for making conversation. Katie took care of everything and after they finished drinking, she went back in the kids bedroom with Maison to put her back to bed.

“It’s very late West, you need to get back to bed now.” Lily ventured when they were left alone in the living room.

“Can I sleep with you?” he asked hopeful.

Katie snorted from the bedroom “Like father like son!” she teased and Lily's eyes rolled.

“Alright...” Lily sighed and got up holding him.

“Hey! Where am I gonna sleep if he takes my spot?” Katie protested. “Plus I'm afraid I can't sleep without Misha's delicious smell on my sheets anymore...”

“Katie! Kids!”

“Alright, alright... I'll take West's bed then...” she crossed her arms and pouted.

“YAY!” Maison exclaimed, happy to welcome her in her room for the rest of the night.

Lily put West in her bed and walked around it to lie in her spot. The boy slid next to her and wrapped his arms around her waist for comfort.

“What did you see?” Lily whispered to West when they were finally lying in her bed.

“A ghost.”

“Ghosts don't exist.” she tried to reassure him.

West moved up a little bit to look at her “A monster then?”

“Nope. Don't exist either.” she booped his nose trying to lighten the mood.

“Yes they do! Daddy says he fight monsters at work.”

Maybe she needed to tell Misha kids don't understand sarcasm...

“No... Castiel fight monsters, and Daddy pretends to be Castiel. Monsters don't exist, Castiel doesn't exist either. He surely explained that to you, right?”

“Maybe... I don't remember.”

“Sleep.” she gently ordered and West became quiet. She thought she won that round until...

“Can we go to the place you grew up with Daddy tomorrow?”

_*Sigh*..._

“No. It's too far.”

“How far?”

“Very. Sleep.”

“When can we go?”

“One day. Sleep!”

“What day?”

“The day you'll be quiet. _Sleep!_ ”

It surprisingly worked and Lily finally heard West deep breathing after a few minutes.

She sighed in relief but thought about what he'd asked.

She wasn’t very fond of the idea to come back in Northfield.

She tried to fall asleep again in vain, haunted by West’s painful words and his huge tears.

_I’m definitely responsible for this…_

 

***

 

As soon as Lily pushed the door of Misha’s house that afternoon, West and Maison spotted their dad and ran into his arms screaming, happy to see him after two days.

“Hey my two little monsters! I missed you!” he kissed both of them. “How was it? Did you have fun with Lily?”

“Yes!” Maison answered right away. “We went to the zoo and we made pie!” her little blue eyes were sparkling with joy.

“Oh? With or without sugar in it?” he teased putting his daughter down and walking toward Lily to kiss her too.

Lily welcomed his embrace and kissed him back quickly. “Ha ha very funny. FYI it was delicious and we didn’t left any for you because you’re mean.”

“Who’s mean now?” he winked. “So… you obviously survived and everybody is in one piece. Told you it would be fine.”

“Yeah…”

She pulled away from his arms and went to grab her bag, ready to go upstairs settling her stuff in their room for the weekend.

Of course Misha noticed her distant behavior and he knew he would have to talk to her later, but right now he just wanted to spend some time with his family.

“How about we play all together before dinner?” he offered turning to West who was already heading towards the TV.

“Yes I wanna build a fort!” Maison jumped on the sofa.

“Fort it is then… we need our tools.”

He stood at the bottom of the stairs to call for Lily. “Lily can you bring the box of crap I keep in the spare room down please? We’re waiting for you to build a fort.” Misha winked at Maison.

“Yep, coming!”

After a quick check in the bathroom, Lily went to the spare room, which was actually Misha and Vicki’s old bedroom, and opened the cabinet to search for the box. Problem was… There were too many boxes and she had no idea which one she needed.

She rummaged in the cabinet for a while, and her eyes suddenly fell on a smaller box, rusty and dirty. She frowned and took it, noticing it was a metal box that probably were damaged and blackened by fire, and it picked her curiosity because it was definitely not their time capsule.

It used to have a lock but it was broken. When Lily opened the box, she was surprised to find a lot of letters, all coming from mister Adams, the guy who owned the farm next to hers in Northfield, and they were all addressed to her mother.

“What the…” she frowned and her heart jumped in her chest when she heard footsteps coming from the stairs.

She put the box back in the cabinet and faked searching for the tool box when Misha entered the room.

“Did you find it? Kids are kind of hyper right now we better hurry before they start moving furniture.” he joked.

“Umm, no it’s a mess in here I can’t find it.” she cleared her throat. She wanted to read those letters before asking Misha why he was hiding that box.

He knelt next to her and looked for a few seconds before spotting the kid’s tool box.

“Got it.”

Lily smiled innocently and walked toward the door, but Misha ran before her and closed it behind him before grabbing her wrist.

“Everything okay?”

“Sure. Why do you ask?” she started to feel a little nervous, she was so not used to hide things from him!

“I don't know… You seem a little upset.”

“I uhh… something actually happened with West but we’ll talk about that later. It’s no big deal I guess, don’t worry it can wait.”

Misha’s eyes wrinkled “With West? Was he bad with you or something? He can be a little tough sometimes.”

Lily smiled weakly and shook her head. “Later. They’re waiting. Don’t worry we’re all fine.”

“Okay…” he replied suspiciously ans stared into her deep green eyes.

When she just stared back at him and didn’t move, Misha closed the distance between them, gently pushing her against the door, and crashed his lips on hers. He tilted his head to deepen the kiss and soon found his way to her neck.

“I miss you” he moaned between kisses.

“I’m right here…” she whispered, closing her eyes at the delightful sensation of his mouth exploring her neck.

“You know what I mean.” he declared, not stopping in his task.

He finally looked up when he felt her hands pushing on his shoulders.

“The kids are waiting. We’d better hurry.”

She looked down, took the tool box back and got out of the room followed by a very suspicious Misha.

*****

 

“When can we see mommy?” West asked his dad after he finished reading him to sleep.

“In two days, why? Do you miss her?”

“Yes.” the boy looked down sadly.

Misha sighed and strocked his son’s forehead tenderly.

“I can drive you back tomorrow if you want to see her so bad you know?”

“Okay.” he simply replied and closed his eyes to sleep.

Misha didn’t answer, stood up and walked out of the bedroom carefully closing the door being him before going downstairs to join Lily.

She was busy writing a partition for one of her student tomorrow, seated outside on the patio table.

“West wants to go back to Vicki’s tomorrow.”

Lily looked up from her sheet while he sat next to her.

“Oh… actually I can’t say I’m very surprised. ” she confessed.

“What happened?”Misha asked softly, careful not to sound too harsh. Last thing he wanted was Lily to feel like he was accusing her of something.

She sighed, put her pen down and leaned back in her seat.

“He woke up screaming the first night. When I went to check on him he told me he saw something and he wanted his mom. Of course I said it was not possible to call her in the middle of the night. He cried so hard… I thought he would never stop.”

“I see…” Misha calmly replied.

“No you don’t… He told me he hated being at my place. And he meant it.” her voice started to shake.

“He woke up from a nightmare of course he cried and he was lost, and it's normal for him to ask for his mother first.”

“Yeah first maybe... but he still wants to go home _now_.” she looked down at her fingers.

“I'll talk to him and see what's wrong. Whatever it is I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with you, don't take it personally. We knew they would have to adjust and it could take some time. Is that okay?”

Misha gently took her hand in his and caressed her knuckles with his thumb. She smiled weakly.

“Sure.”

Misha chuckled “Wow you could be a little more convincing.”

“You'll tell me? I mean... if something is really wrong.”

“Of course I will, what kind of question is that? Since when do you think I could hide something from you?”

_Since I found a box full of letters addressed to my mom in your closet..._

She sank into his pleading gaze. “Right... Sorry. It's probably nothing.”

He gave her a warm smile. “Exactly. And you know what we need right now?” he stood up. “Ice cream! I'll be right back with your order miss Hagen.” he took her hand and bowed to kiss it before disappearing inside.

Lily stared at her music sheet absentmindedly, and all she could think about was that box waiting in the second floor. She would have to wait for Misha to leave for work and she would take the box with her before going back home.

Tomorrow, she would read those letters, and she would know why the person she loved and trusted the most in her life decided it was clever to hide it from her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you feel the crap coming? ;)


	27. Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you start reading I just wanted to thank all the lovely people who said they love my story, reblogged it on Tumblr, left comments and kudos (you know who you are!). Writing such a long story takes a LOT of time and energy, and sometimes I just wanna stop because I'm way too tired with my job, but people like you give me the strength to go on and to work faster. You deserve a big hug and I'm sending you all my love!!!

 

 

Lily shut the door behind Katie in a rush with shaky hands and ran into her bedroom. She thought her friend would never leave. Not that she didn't enjoy her company, but right now she had much more interesting things to do...

She went to her bedroom to open her duffel bag and saw the metal box she took from Misha this morning before leaving for Seattle, right there waiting to be opened. She was dying to read those letters, and at the same time, she was scared to death.

Maybe her mom was not the woman she thought she'd been? And why would her neighbor send her letters in the first place? Maybe Misha hid that box from her for a good reason? Maybe reading them would have terrible consequences?

She almost laughed at herself. “Maybe I'm overreacting?” she said out loud opening the dirty box and sitting on her bed.

She rummaged through the papers and searched for the dates on the envelops, soon finding the oldest one. Mr Adams had sent it March 1988 when Lily was thirteen.

She took a deep breath. “Okay Lily, you're a big girl, you can do this, there is no reason to panic.”

But her hands where still moist and shaky when she stared reading.

 

_Dear Mary,_

_I finally found the strength to write and send this letter to you. I wanted to do it much earlier but I didn't know if it was appropriate after the loss of your husband and now your father in law._

_But then I've noticed someone is living in your cottage and I've seen people helping you around in the farm, so I suppose you're trying to move on and get back to business maybe? I think it's good for you and I could help too, we could even merge our lands to exp_ _and_ _your activity if you're interested._

_So I wondered...maybe we could talk about it during dinner some day?_

_That may appear a little blunt, but I guess we're old enough to get directly to the point, don't you think?_

_I would've asked you face to face, but you're always with your daughter, your mother in law or your friends so it's complicated. I hope you don't mind._

_Please write me back, or you can come see me if you prefer, it's up to you._

_Your friend,_

_Ray._

 

Lily put the letter down and sighed heavily looking at the ceiling. “Please tell me my mom wasn't banging the neighbor, please please please!” she shivered just thinking about it.

But if there were more letters, it meant she must have written him back...

She opened the second one still trembling.

 

_Dear Mary,_

_I'm so happy you wrote me back! I know it must not be easy for you, but I promise my intentions are pure._

_I feel lonely too and I know what you're going through. We should definitely talk about it tomorrow._

_I'll meet you when your daughter is asleep. Thank you for taking the time to reply._

_Ray._

 

Lily's eyes were wide open at that point.

_When your daughter is asleep??? Mommy what did you do with the freaking neighbor???_

She rushed to open the next letter, now very curious to know what happened next. If they had met that night why would he keep writing letters to her?

When she checked the date, she saw it was written two months later.

 

 

_Dear Mary,_

_I know what you'll think when you'll see this letter, but I really didn't want you to stay mad at me. My reaction was maybe unreasonable, but I just thought joining our efforts and our money would've been a great solution for our businesses. I'm sorry if you felt offended, it was never my intention._

_I know your friend's boys are helping you a lot, but I'm not convinced they're good influence for your children, especially your daughter who seems to be often in trouble because of the oldest one. I really hope you won't let them go too far, and I'm saying this only because I care about you and I care about your family._

_You know how people can be when they need money... they are capable of the worst and I know what I'm talking about. I know enough about Rebecca to be careful with her, if not scared. I would hate seeing you being sad and disappointed because they've tricked you._

_I really hope I'm wrong, but you're never too careful, right?_

_By the way, I know she'd been arrested again. John, the chief deputy, is my brother, I can help if that's what you want, or I can make them leave for good if they cause too much trouble, it's up to you. You know where to find me. They wouldn't even know you're involved, I swear._

_Give me some news, we should go on where we ended last time, it would be too sad to end on a bad note when we live next to each other. If I hurt you, please forgive me, it was not intentional._

_Ray._

 

**WHAT????**

Lily really, _REALLY_ hoped that her mother wasn't responsible for the Krushnics always leaving, because if this was the case, her whole world would crush. Again.

And who the hell did that man thought he was to put his nose in her family like that? Another douchebag who thought poor people had no place in Northfield... that was so infuriating! She almost wanted to tear that letter apart, but it was probably not a good idea.

She was so far from imagining everything her mother had been through all those years after her dad died. Mr Adams obviously had an eye on the farm and she didn't like it at all, because as far as she knew he was still alive and still living next to the farm that was _still hers to that day_.

And then she thought about Misha who had read those letters before her and saw what the old man had plotted between his family's back, and her heart broke a little more. Did he know about this when he was young? Did he hide all of this from her for two freaking decades? And why?

 

_No... No Misha would never do that to me..._

Naturally her mother probably answered she didn't care about his help and didn't want Rebecca to leave. She would never betray her friend.

Lily sighed and rummaged in the box again. She found a huge envelop and opened it, revealing a list of papers to fill to sell the estate with a note on it. “Think about it.”

“Asshole!” she exclaimed.

But there were more letters! He obviously didn't stop here.

 

_Dear Mary,_

_I found your message only this morning, I was away from town a few days._

_I'll talk to John and he will do what's required for Rebecca, but please, I'm begging you, reconsider and try to make them leave or one day, you'll be really in trouble and I won't be able to help anymore..._

_Ring if you need me... or write back, I find our letters very pleasant to be honest._

_Ray._

 

Oh... so her mom _did_ really ask him to help Rebecca, who knows what for? All she could wonder at that moment was “was it free?” What did he ask in return?

That single thought made her sick.

 

Another letter...

 

_My dear Mary,_

_I saw they came back... I thought you learned the lesson last time they were here but I was wrong._

_And now of course, I've learned what Misha did to your daughter at school...he's not a kid anymore, you should be very careful or you'll end up with a baby._

_I'll see what I can do for Lily, don't worry she'll be back at school as soon as I can talk to John._

_Your friend._

_Ray._

 

“What the fuck??” Lily was almost panting.

Was he talking about the time Misha sneaked to her school and they were surprised having sex in the bathroom? The bastard almost made it look like he forced her! No surprise her mom was reluctant when Lily told her they were dating!

It was now like a drug, Lily needed to read more.

 

_My dear Mary,_

_You should go check your willow tree at the pond, and you definitely should do something about it, your daughter is too young, too innocent and too sweet for that. You want your daughter to be happy, right? She deserves way better than such a gritter and you know it._

_We should talk about it alone...meet me at my place near the main barn tonight, I can help. I'll be glad to show you I still care about you a lot... I miss our dates._

_Your dear friend,_

_Ray._

 

Jesus Christ he told her about Misha's carved proposal? She thought she never went to the pond! And if she did, why didn't she talk to her about it?

And once again, who the _hell_ did that man think he was to interfere in people's life like that, judge people and _insult_ them?!!

Lily's blood was boiling at that point and she saw red. It was not the first time she witnessed someone insulting Misha and his family, but she never thought her former neighbor was one of those idiots. She felt so bad for him and her heart clenched... because he probably had read this letter too.

 

There was one last letter...

 

June 1990...

 

_My dear Mary,_

_I'm so sorry you took it like that... After everything she did to you, and everything Misha did to Lily, you still stand by and support them. I know you think they're your friends but really... I think you're wrong. They will fool you, steal everything you own, and destroy what's left of your family._

_Ask Misha if you don't believe me, if he's so honest like you pretend, he will tell you about all the other girls he's screwing behind Lily's back. Why would I lie? I just want to protect you and your children._

_I can't watch you wasting your time and your money with people like them. You don't deserve that, Lily and Ryan don't deserve that either and I won't let it happen. I love you too much for that._

_Please come see me..._

_Ray._

 

“Holy mother of...”

Lily folded the last letter and placed everything back in the box. She wasn't sure exactly what had happened, it was too much information in a too short amount of time, and she felt dizzy, clearly overwhelmed by all she'd just read.

Her mom knew about everything but kept all this from her... and Misha too. She didn't know if she had to be thankful or angry.

And then came the worst part... she started to doubt. Was Mr Adams saying the truth? Did he really love her mother? Was he really scared something bad could happen because of Rebecca and her family?

 

_Oh my God no Lily you can't think that way!_

She mentally slapped herself.

She knew them, she _loved_ them... she knew they were good people, and still are. Her mother knew it too, and she stood for them till the end, she _had_ to do the same.

But still... why would Misha hide all of this from her? As hard as she tried, she couldn't help the feeling of betrayal growing inside of her.

“Okay I need some fresh air or I'll go crazy.”

 

She went out of her apartment and went for a walk in the park to clear her mind.

 

*****

 

The end of the week seemed like an eternity for Lily. She couldn't talk about what she had found out to anybody before talking to Misha face to face, it wouldn't be fair. She had to wait till he would come back to her on Saturday, so from Wednesday to Saturday, she felt like a lion in a cage, not knowing how to deal with herself.

She worked a lot, gave more and more lessons filling her days completely, and avoided Katie and David as much as she could, knowing they would see right away something was wrong with her.

She also had to act normal when Misha called, and that was probably the hardest part. She didn't want to have this conversation on the phone, but she had to at least give him the benefit of the doubts about all of this, she knew him... he loved her... he couldn't be the kind of person Mr Adams pretended he was. He probably had a good reason for hiding those letters from her... right?

But yet, the horrible feeling of betrayal wouldn’t leave her no matter how hard she tried to push it away.

Misha showed up at noon on Saturday. He went to see West and Maison first, but didn't bring them with him since they had plans with Vicki for the weekend, and Lily had to admit it was a relief.

She loved the kids, but the issue with West wasn't cleared yet, which added even more drama to her life right now, and she was definitely not ready to deal with that for the moment.

Her top priority now was to talk to Misha, she would feel better after that... But maybe she would try to make him confess first? That way it wouldn't be that bad, he would tell her about the letters, he would tell her about everything and apologize for lying to her and it would be okay. He deserved a second chance.

 

“Hey beautiful! Come here.” Misha took her in his arms and kissed her with longing.

Lily kissed him back but she felt so... out of place.

“How was your week?” she asked while going back to the living room and sitting on the sofa.

“Too damn long. I'm happy to be back. How was yours?”

She chuckled sarcastically “Too damn long.”

Misha smiled and joined her on the sofa. “I know... we definitely need to find somewhere we can live together. I won't survive much longer. We should look tomorrow.”

She cleared her throat. “Yes, sure... tomorrow. Want some tea?” she stood up and headed to the kitchen.

Misha tilted his head and frowned, finding her reaction way too cold after almost a week spent apart, but he didn't say anything.

“Sure.”

She needed to tell him... she needed to ask. Who knew what he still was _not_ telling her?

“I had a call from Litchfield's Estate this morning... Someone made an offer for the farm.”

It wasn't a total lie, someone did make an offer months ago except she never told him knowing it was a sensitive topic for him. Misha seemed a little surprised she brought the subject so abruptly though.

“Oh?” was all he could reply, taking the cup Lily was handing him.

“Yeah... It's a very good offer I think I'll sign. It's from our old neighbor, Mr Adams, remember?”

Okay that was a lie... She had no idea who actually made the offer. It was just a means to an end.

Misha paled but tried to not show his reaction. She could tell something was bothering him though... obviously!

“Yes I remember. And you're okay with him buying the property?”

God he sounded so innocent. He was good at that little game.

 

_Of course he's good... it's his job to pretend being someone else..._

“Well, he or someone else... it's the same, right?” She sat back next to him on the sofa.

“Well, I can't say I'm surprised.” he admitted.

 

_Oh thank God... finally he will tell me!_

“Why?”

“Don't you remember his son finding us when we slept outside at the pond? He said his dad asked the chief officer to keep an eye on the place. Must've been for a reason.”

Oh the disappointment... it was not what she had expected to hear.

“Yeah...” she looked down at her mug. “You sound awfully calm and okay with it for someone who didn't want me to sell.” she ventured.

“And I still hate the idea... But like you said, it's your decision.”

She weakly smiled at him. “Thank you.”

 

_Crap! It didn't work as planned!_

She was so disappointed... She wanted him to admit the truth, she wanted him to be the good guy and he was right in front of her lying to her face.

Alright... plan B then...

“Did you talk to West?”

_Oh Lily... if your family could see you right now, using his kids to get what you want..._

She was definitely not proud of herself, but she was desperate.

“No, not yet.”

“Is that true? You remember you promised to tell me the truth even if it was bad, right?”

 

 _Lily you are_ _not very subtle right now_ _... stop it!_

Misha frowned. “I remember, and I told you I would, and I will. Is that bothering you that much? Do you want me to call him right now?”

_Damn it, Misha stop being so nice!_

“No, no... it's fine. If you say you will, then you will. I'm sorry, I know you've never lied to me. I'm just a little upset.”

Misha put his cup down on the coffee table and sighed.

“Okay... what is it? You're acting super weird.”

 

_Crap!_

Lily shut her eyes tight and sighed too. “Misha, I'm gonna ask you something, and I want you to be honest, okay?”

“What the hell is going on with you?” his voice raised a little he was clearly getting annoyed, that must not have been the kind of conversation he planned to have with Lily after he came back from work.

“Have you ever lied to me?”

Misha's eyes popped open. “What? What kind of question is that?”

“Answer me.”

_Last chance Misha..._

 

“ _ **No**_ , Lily, I've never lied to you and you should _KNOW_ it! I don’t know what you’re trying to prove here but could you at least get to the point? What the fuck is happening with you?”

Lily swallowed. He sounded so confident... it almost made her sick.

Alright... this little game was over. He persisted in his act, she would have to shake him a little with the truth...

 

“I found the box of letters in your closet, Misha... You know? The letters to MY mom that you're hiding from _me_ . And you have the guts to say you don't lie. Nice acting, Mister _Collins_.” She spat his new name like venom.

Misha's face fell, which only proved her that he was guilty.

“Oh.” he closed his eyes and rubbed his face with both hands.

“Oh? That's all you have to say? OH?” she couldn't believe how insouciant he reacted to that!

“Well... first I'd rather hear what you concluded after reading them before explaining myself.”

She scoffed “I don't even know what to think about it! Who's right and who's wrong? Who's lying and who doesn't? You said you never lied to me but you just _did_ , Misha! How am I supposed to trust you after that?”

“Seriously? Are you saying you would believe Mr Adams over me?”

“I'm just saying I don't know anymore. I gotta admit I’m a bit lost right now…”

Misha scoffed and disgust was plastered all over his face.

“Wow... You know what's the worst? Two decades ago, you would've burnt those letters and run to Mr Adams' house to yell at him saying he was just a sick, mean and jealous liar... and that's exactly what your mother did. But today... today you're accusing me of lying without even knowing what really happened, and you're almost saying you believe that man.”

Tears threatened to fall from Lily's eyes but she held them back. He sounded hurt and he was right, and it hit her like a brick wall. Still, she was overwhelmed with doubt and rage and couldn't help it.

“Where did you find that box?” her voice cracked.

“In your mom's bedroom.”

“When the hell were you in my mom's bedroom?”

Misha sighed. “Last day of our trip after you left.” he confessed in a low voice.

 

_And one more lie..._

She couldn't hold the tears that threatened to fall anymore.

“You swore to me you didn't go back inside the house... twice.” she whispered.

“Okay, guilty, that was a lie. I just didn't want you to worry but I needed answers. Is that so bad?”

She looked aside rolling her eyes. “Did you at least find what you were looking for?”

“Yes.” he admitted boldly and Lily paled.

“Really?”

“You heard me... I had my answers, yes.” he leaned back against the sofa and crossed his arms.

“You know what happened in 1990?” her voice was so high right now...

“Yes, Lily. And considering you haven't at least guessed after what you've read, I know you're not ready to hear it.”

What the hell was he talking about? What did the letters have to do with the fire? She was even more confused now and she felt like her brain was about to explode any minute.

“Hear what? What the hell happened?”

“Why would I tell you? You wouldn't believe me anyway... I'm a liar, remember? And a troublemaker, _and_ I abused you for your money, _and_ I fucked every girl of Litchfield County behind your back, according to Mister Adams... right?”

Lily hid her face in her hands and sobbed. She couldn’t look at his pained expression anymore. She was spiraling in a storm of conflicting emotions. She wanted to believe Misha, but he lied to her so why would he say the truth now? She was mad at herself for being so weak and so suggestible. She wanted to be loyal and strong like her mother, but the fact was she was even mad at her mom for not telling her about all of this! She was angry, and sad, and scared, and lost, exactly how she felt after the fire a long time ago.

Misha was also visibly shaken, not holding his tears back, but he didn't make a move towards her. He was too disappointed, and that was another reason for Lily to hate herself at this moment.

“Why didn't you tell me right away? Why do I have to find out about all of this shit only today, twenty five years later, by reading letters from the fucking neighbor? Why would you hide things that haunt me every night? I need to know!” her voice was shaky but very insistent.

“I planned to tell you, but not now. I know you're not ready. I wanted you to be prepared.”

“Misha... You know the truth I've sought for so long and you're still not answering me. I'm begging you now, you hear me? You have to tell me what fucking happened or I think I might die right now on this couch. Please!” she pleaded desperately between sobs.

Misha sighed and looked away from her. “Fine... Just keep in mind you're the one who asked for it.” he still thought it was a terrible idea, but he couldn't bare seeing her like that anymore.

She nodded and sniffed.

 

He didn't want to do this, but he gave in for her.

“I assume you figured your mom had been in a relationship with Mr Adams, right?”

Her head was spinning already.

“I … I wasn't sure.”

 

_And I really wished she hadn't!_

 

“I found out when I was fourteen... I surprised them behind the barn and of course Mr Adams didn't appreciate.”

“Fourteen?? And you didn't tell me, damn it Misha!” Lily sobbed even harder, grabbing her hair.

_More fucking lies!!!_

“How was I supposed to do that??? Look at your reaction right now at forty! How was I supposed to tell you your mother had a relationship so soon after your dad died? How the fuck could I be _that_ cruel? It was not my business, if your mom wanted to tell you, she would have. But... she didn't... because it didn't last very long I guess. He hated my family because... well I don't know why to be honest, he was jealous I guess. Your mother loved us and defended us against his accusations and she rejected him because she saw who that man really was, and he couldn't take it. Plus he kept heavily insisting on buying the farm and your mom didn't want to sell the place which added to his fury. ”

Lily folded her legs on the sofa and hugged them.

“He's not a good person, but I think he really was deeply in love with your mom. The rejection didn't help. He tried everything to get us out of her life, he thought my mom influenced her decision.”

Lily was awfully silent now.

“He saw me carving the proposal in the willow tree that day... he understood we were here to stay and I was about to make a move so he threatened me to send the cops to my mom if we didn't leave for good. He warned your mom who came to talk to me afterwards... and she gave me her blessing instead of pushing me away from you.” he wiped the huge tear that fell down his cheek.

“What? She never talked to me about that! It would've been so much easier for me knowing she was okay with it but then again... you never told me.”

“I promised her not to. She wanted you to trust her enough to come to her first.”

Lily grabbed her head between her hands and shut her eyes tight, she felt like she was going to explode anytime now. She felt like she had been a bad daughter! Misha took her hands away from her face and stroke them gently.

“Don't be too hard on yourself about this, Lily... it happened a few days before the fire, we all ran out of time.”

 

Everything was mixing in her brain, it was too many things to understand and assimilate in a few minutes. She had so many questions she didn't even know which one to ask first.

Her eyebrows furrowed “Mr Adams... he helped your mom when she was arrested. He wrote it.”

“Yes, he did... Well technically his brother did. He needed your mom to trust him first.”

She looked into his shiny blue eyes. “You proposed despite his threats...”

Misha scoffed and looked down. “Who could've stopped me? Your mom was okay with it and I wasn't afraid of him.”

He slid closer to her on the sofa and tightened his grip on Lily's hands. Now came the actual hurting part.

“Lily... the fire wasn't accidental...”

 

_**WHAT??** _

 

“Mr Adams was blinded by rage, his plan failed and your mom rejected him too many times. He lighted the fire that night.”

“No...” she whispered shaking her head.

“Yes... I had time to do some research the day you left, I asked everyone, I searched every single document I could find, except for the medical records because I needed to make a special request to get them all, that's why they arrived by mail the day you found them at my place.”

“The hospital...” she thought out loud.

“His brother was the chief deputy, he had all the power he could need. He twisted the fireman's declaration, the newspaper, the corrupted doctor who took care of us... every one. That's how he made us disappear from your life. He actually was very lucky we all decided to leave after that day... Your gran' leaving for Europe with you was a blessing for him, his lies could last forever, or so he thought.”

“But... why our house? Why not burning the cottage where _you_ were staying then? It doesn't make any sense!”

She imagined the scene in her head, picturing the cottage on fire with Misha and his family inside, her mother and her being helpless next to it, and a shiver of horror traveled up her spine.

“It does... I don't think he wanted anyone to die that night. He wanted to accuse one of us, probably me, from lighting the fire. How do you think your mom would've reacted after he would've proved I was guilty thanks to his brother's help uh?”

“She would've kicked you out...” Lily whispered putting two and two together now.

“Exactly. Especially if one of her children was hurt... or worse.”

“Oh God Misha stop talking...” she removed her hands from Misha's grip to hug herself and wiped her wet face with the back of her sleeve. Her chest was literally aching now.

“I'm sorry. I hid it from you for a reason... It's a lot to take.”

 

_Understatement!_

 

“Now... whether you believe me or not, that's your choice.” he sadly said looking away from her.

Lily shook her head. “This is crazy.”

And it really was! He basically told her that her former neighbor murdered her whole family and ruined her life in the process.

How can someone be desperate to the point of wanting people to disappear? And the worst part was that Mr Adams was probably still alive in Northfield, living without being bothered.

“Where is he now?” her voice cracked and her eyes darkened.

Misha clenched is jaw, looked at her with a pained look but said nothing. Last thing he wanted was Lily to go find him to have his version of the story.

“Where-thefuck-is-he-now, Misha?!” she insisted almost screaming between clenched teeth.

What a dilemma... he could hide it from her to keep her from doing a stupid thing, but then he would probably lose her again, or he could tell her to avoid her being even more mad at him.

“He...” Misha sighed. “He didn't move. He still lives next to the farm in Northfield.”

And that’s when Lily felt a wave of boiling rage growing inside of her, and she realized she wanted justice… Or revenge, she didn’t really know what it was, but she wanted him to pay for what he did to her family and the Krushnics.

Misha broke the silence weakly. “I’m sorry, Lily… I kept all of this from you to protect you. I wanted to tell you when everything is solved.”

She looked at him with teary eyes.

“It’s my family we’re talking about… I needed to know.”

She stood up and went to the kitchen to blow her nose and get a glass of water.

Misha observed her without a word. He didn’t know what to say anymore so he just waited for her to say something.

 

“I think… I think you should go spend the weekend with your family, Misha… I need to be alone.”

He looked down and sighed closing his eyes.

“Okay…” he simply replied. He could perfectly understand she needed to digest all those informations without him. He just hoped she wasn’t too mad at him. “Can you promise me something though?” he ventured.

“What?” she replied annoyed.

“Will you call if you need anything, or if you wanna talk? Just... I don't want you to do something you could regret, or worse... something that would put you in danger.”

She huffed. “Sure. I'll call.”

The conviction is her voice was close to zero, so Misha stood up and joined her in the kitchen, put his hands on her shoulders and leaned down a little to be at eye level, sinking his determined blue eyes in hers.

“This is serious, Lily. No more lies, and no more hiding, I swear. But then you have to promise me the same. Don't go there alone, and don't try to talk to him. Promise me.”

He had some balls to ask her that! He lied to her half of her life an now that she found out he was regretting it, asking her to stand down when all she needed was to confront the man who murdered her mother and her little brother.

But then... she knew he wouldn't leave without hearing what he wanted from her.

“Of course. I just need to think about all of this alone. It's a lot. I'll call. Promise.”

 

And Misha believed her without even doubting a second... because that's how he'd always been.

“Good. I love you.” he kissed her forehead and waited for her to say it back.

 

But she didn't...

She smiled back at him and took a sip of water.

Misha smiled weakly, concern and guilt written all over his face, but he didn't say more, took the suitcase that he didn't even open and left.

 

Lily stared at the closed front door for a few seconds and suddenly crouched down hugging herself and broke down crying.

“I'm sorry...” she whispered between sobs.

 

Later that same day, she took her own suitcase and flew to Connecticut without even telling anyone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who started working on another story? :D


	28. Confrontation

 

Mr Adams' farm was situated a few feet away across the road, hidden from the Hagen's property, which was perfect for Lily who didn't want to go back to her house without confronting the old man first.

His property was smaller, but she would have to cross his fields before she could reach his house.

He was surely old and retired now, but his business was obviously still running: the fields were full of vegetables, the fruit trees were well kept and the corn fields were all ready to grow through next season. She also could hear the horses in the stables, and on her way she crossed path with a few working farmers that she didn't know.

She had no idea if he was here, or what she would find inside of his house, what she would say, how he would react seeing her after all those years, no idea if he was still healthy enough to remember everything he did (or didn't do), but she was determined to at least try to hear him out.

She was walking through the corn field when she felt her phone vibrating in her pocket for what appeared to be the hundredth time. She wasn't surprised to see Misha's name lightening her screen, but she didn't pick up.

Katie and David tried to reach her too, probably because Misha asked them where she was and why she wouldn't answer, but she didn't want to talk to anybody except for Mr Adams, at least for now. They would all have to wait.

When she heard the ringtone signifying she had another voicemail, she sighed but didn't stop walking, not bothering listening to it. She knew it was Misha being all worried and warning her she should be reasonable and call him. She didn't need this right now. She was actually tired of listening to him.

She was still mad he lied to her. Actually she was doubting everyone since she found out the truth. Dr Dorville, her psychiatrist, for example… did she know? Did she play with Lily the whole time? The corrupted doctor who took care of her at the hospital recommended Lily to Dr Dorville at the time… did he explain the whole case to her or did he lie even more?

And her grandmother… She wondered how much she knew. She signed all the medical records and she was already by her side when she woke up at the hospital. She knew everything that happened that night so she must’ve talked to someone first… Never in her life had she thought she would once doubt her own family, but here she was, drowning in her confusion.

She wondered what her mother would think now if she could see her. Would she be proud of her for getting justice? She liked thinking it was indeed the case.

Maybe she was with her right now... maybe she was guiding her steps and pushing her to do this...

She wasn't sure of anything, but she knew she would not be at peace and she couldn't live with herself until she spoke to Mr Adams. Just talk...

Her heart was pounding when she stepped on his porch, and she had to take a deep breath before pressing his doorbell.

She almost ran away when the door opened, but she didn't and came face to face with a young woman she didn't know.

 

“Hello. May I help you?” the woman offered politely.

She must've been in her thirties.

“Um... yes I... I'm looking for Mr Adams. Is he here?”

“He's resting. Maybe I can leave him a message?”

“Thank you but I would actually prefer talking to him. I'm... I'm an old friend. I knew him well when I was young and I just wanted to say hi since I'm in the neighborhood for a few days.”

“Oh, I see. Well maybe you can come back later? He always rests after lunch, you should be able to-”

“ _PENNY WHO'S HERE?_ ”

 

Lily's heart stopped when she heard the old man grunting with his raspy voice. He sounded rude, but he must legitimately not have been very pleased to be woken up by the doorbell.

“Well aren't you a lucky one... please come in, I'll go get him.”

“Thanks.”

Lily stepped inside of the house and followed Penny to the living room where she offered her to sit on the sofa.

 

The house was well kept but still very rustic and dark, giving Lily a very uncomfortable feeling, and it smelled like alcohol and medicine which didn't reassure her a bit.

Penny reappeared a few minutes later, pushing Mr Adams in his wheelchair, and Lily could’ve sworn her heart stopped beating for a little while.

She was excited but terrified and mad at the same time.

Penny settled Mr Adams across the coffee table facing Lily but he didn’t look at her right away, he was too busy smiling at the young woman taking care of him.

“I’ll bring your coffee in just a minute. Can I get you anything to drink, Misses?”

 

Oh geez, Misses??? How old did she think Lily was exactly?

“Just a glass of water, thank you.” she politely replied.

She actually needed the water badly, she was so nervous her mouth was dry.

Mr Adams finally looked at his visitor and frowned, studying her face closely.

“You look just like your mother, Lily. Delight for my eyes.” he announced with a surprisingly sweet and sad voice. “Except for that red hair of course...”

So… He remembered. That was a good start.

She was determined not to show any emotion and stay strong. She didn’t even thank him.

“I see I don’t need to introduce myself. I’ll take that as a compliment.” she nodded with a weak smile.

“It is one. What brings you back here?”

Straight to the point… he didn't even try to pretend he thought she was dead…

“You don’t look too surprised to see me, considering...”

“Why would I be? My son told me he saw you at your property a few years ago. I’m surprised you didn’t show up at my house earlier to be honest, especially when he told me you were with Misha.”

So he knew that they knew at least a part of his plotting.

“Yes, we wanted to see what was left of the house.”

She didn’t want to dive into the drama right away.

“I thought you were here to finally sell the place.”

Of course he did… the tension in the room became thicker and thicker.

“No. I didn’t want to rush things at the time. I needed to think about it first.”

“And? Did Misha succeed making you feel guilty if you sold it?”

Lily cleared her throat and rubbed her moist palms against her jeans before taking a sip of water. She didn’t like his tone at all.

“It’s my decision, not his, he knows that. It’s officially for sale now though.”

Mr Adams chuckled and took the cup of coffee from Penny’s hand.

“Right… don’t tell me you’re here to sell it to me now, I’m too old for this and your mother’s gone so what’s the point anyway?”

“No, um… I’m here for answers actually.”

Mr Adam's eyes sparkled when she said that. She could’ve sworn he wanted to have that conversation for a long time.

“About?”

Lily side-eyed Penny who was listening to their conversation from the armchair near the fireplace, but she didn’t move and nodded at the old man. She understood there was no way their talk could be private.

“About what you did in 1990.”

He was just like stone… showing no emotion, not moving a finger, but he still had that disturbing sparkle in his eyes.

“And what do you think I did in 1990? Or should I say… What did Misha tell you I did?”

Would it be like that? Would he still blame Misha and his family for everything?

And more importantly… was he in fact _right_ to do so?

“Why do you think Misha has to do anything with this? He doesn't even know I’m here.”

“Hah!” he chuckled. “Come on… You think I don’t know he’d been putting his nose in your business? He went everywhere in town to interview people. I’m not completely stupid, and I know he still has influence on you. I don’t know what he’s trying to do but I’m pretty sure he’s searching for trouble… as always. But tell me Lily... I know he's married now, and from what I've heard you were not the bride... how come you still hang out with him?”

He must've been upset his plan to separate them failed, and to be honest, Lily felt something close to satisfaction knowing he screwed up with that part of the story.

“I understand your surprise, Sir... someone in town was very determined to spread the rumor we all died in the fire. Call it a miracle or... destiny, who knows?”

The old farmer chuckles sarcastically. “My poor child, you're so delusional. He got you good, huh?”

Lily started to feel anger rising in her chest and that wasn’t good because she didn't know how long she could contain herself.

“Why? Why do you hate him that much? Why do you hate Rebecca? Why did you twist the truth to make them disappear? I don’t understand.”

Mr Adams gave her his best fat laugh. It almost scared Lily.

“See? They still have influence on you. You’re blind and clueless, little girl. He will destroy what’s left of your family… which is your properties first… and then you. You have nothing else left anyway. And by the way who said I did anything?”

She clenched her teeth and tried to stay calm.

“You’re not answering my questions.” she firmly pointed.

“And I won’t. You’re accusing me with no proof, just because your dumb teen crush told you what he wanted you to believe so he would look like the hero. Be careful Lily, I warned your mother back then, I’ll say it to you too: when the Krushnics will have what they want from you, they will destroy you just like they destroyed Mary. And they’re half way done already from what I can see.”

What was that supposed to mean? She clenched her teeth and her nostrils flared. He was infuriating.

She had some proof though...

“I found the letters you sent to my mom.”

“And? Did it burst your little bubble? I truly loved your mother, Lily, and if Rebecca hadn't been here, I'm certain she would still be alive today, and we'd probably be happy together. If someone's responsible for your family's death, it's not me. Look somewhere else.”

Lily's eyes widened a little and she clenched on her glass.

No... Rebecca would never hurt her mother... It was not possible... or was it?

When he saw her reaction, Mr Adams laughed so hard that it made him cough and Penny immediately stood up to help him.

Lily could feel the sting in her eyes, but she fought with herself not to show him how she felt.

“Look at you! You should’ve talked to her at least before coming to me, sweetheart… there are probably a million things she didn’t share with you… same for Misha.”

Ugh! He called her 'sweetheart' and her stomach twisted. She hated it!

“You’re searching in the wrong place. I won’t tell you more. I loved and respected your mother enough to warn her, she didn’t listen. You’re exactly like her… But I still owe her to protect you too. Run Lily, run far away from that hippie family as fast as you can and never look back. That's all I can do for you today.”

God she was even more confused than before she came here and she had zero information, just more doubts!

“I need to rest now if you don’t mind… Penny?”

“Wait! You can't just-”

“I'm too old for this, I can do whatever the hell I want. If you decide to not listen to me, that's your problem, not mine. I'm done.”

He nodded at his caretaker and she stood up immediately, bringing the old man and his answers away from Lily.

 

***

She woke up early the next morning, all sweaty and panting from the nightmare she just had.

It was the same nightmare she always had, even years after the 1990 events. She hadn't dreamed about that for something like a decade, but it came back that night after she spoke to Mr Adams.

She was locked outside her burning house and all she could hear were the screams of her family and Misha dying inside, calling her name. She could do nothing except screaming back at them and as hard as she was trying to get inside of the house, she had never been able to.

She had to take deep breaths and study the room she was in before realizing where she was. She forgot she was still in Litchfield, staying at the same hotel she shared with Misha when they came here together a couple years ago.

She got out of the bed to go take a shower and went downstairs at the restaurant after hearing the atrocious noises her stomach made. She was so disturbed and so tired yesterday that she didn’t even think about eating something.

She checked her phone quickly while eating her pancakes and wasn’t surprised to see the dozens of missed calls/voicemails/texts she received from Katie and Misha. She didn’t read everything, she knew it was just full of _where are you?_ and _why aren’t you answering your damn phone?_

It was time to clear her mind now, so she decided to go to Brooke Park to take a long walk in the nature, just like she used to do with her grandfather.

She took her time and walked the whole morning. It was so peaceful, which was exactly what she needed to think.

Problem was, she still didn’t know _what_ to think about that messed up story. She was still as lost as when she left Seattle, if not more.

She wanted to trust Misha and his family because her mother did so she felt like it was the right thing to do… but what if her mother was wrong after all? They hid very important information from her, about her own family. They had no right to do that, it wasn’t something easy to ignore. Plus she was pretty sure they still knew things she didn’t and the simple fact that they weren’t speaking was enough to make her angry. She was supposed to know everything that happened, it was her life, her past, her family.

Maybe she would just have to take a step back from them after all... including Misha.

But she loved them so much...

And then there was Mr Adams who clearly loved her mother, and hated Rebecca and Misha for some obscure reasons. But then again... did he know something she didn't? Was there a darker side in Rebecca's life that she didn't know about because they hid it to her her whole life?

She sat on a bench without thinking where she was, she was just tired of walking after a while, but when she looked up to observe the nature around her, she saw she was sitting on the exact same bench she was with Misha when she won the bike race, right before they had to run to the hospital for his appendectomy. She smiled weakly and slowly shook her head remembering that story.

 

“I knew I'd find you here.”

 

Lily didn't even look at him, she closed her eyes and sighed deeply. Of course he flew here... of course he found her... of course he had to insist.

Misha sat next to her and waited, crossing his arms but not saying anything. He seemed calm and in peace with himself... exactly the opposite of Lily.

“You're very quiet for someone who keeps calling and texting.” she sarcastically pointed out.

“Yeah... I kinda figured you didn't want to talk. But do you have the slightest idea about how worried I was?”

Huh... maybe it was just a facade then, he sounded actually worried. But... worried about what? Her flying away from him without a word or... her finding out the truth?

She scoffed. “I'm a big girl now, Misha.”

“You may be an adult, yeah... but you're acting like a child. I was worried sick, Lily! You could've at _least_ tell Katie where you were going so I would stop imagining the worst when I was actually supposed to work!” he raised his voice a little, unable to contain and hide his anger anymore. “And if you came here to talk to Mr Adams, I suppose you're not as smart as I thought either... especially when you _promised_ me you _wouldn't_.”

She turned to look at him, narrowing her eyes. He looked pained and... furious now. All the muscles in his face were tensed, his jaw clenched, his eyes dark. The hint of sadness reappeared in his gaze too...

“Why? Are you afraid about what I could've learned?”

She saw him clench his teeth even stronger, obviously filtering his next words in his head to avoid saying something he would regret.

“You mean about me or my family? No, Lily... I'm not afraid, you already know everything you need to.”

“Oh... and who decides what I need to know about my own family then? You? Because that's exactly what you did.” she spat venomously.

Misha rubbed his face and sighed in his hands.

“Have you been to his house yet? Have you talked to him?”

“What difference does it make?” she was looking everywhere but in his direction.

He was slowly starting to be tired of her little game, she was not answering him and she was clearly distrustful right now, but he needed her to talk. He needed to know what was going on in her head.

“Why don't you just answer the question? Or better... why don't you tell me what you think I did, or what you think I'm responsible for... it will be faster that way.”

She puffed and looked down at her shoes.

“I don't know what to think anymore, Misha. You lied to me. Everybody lied to me pretty much my entire life. I don't know who to trust anymore. It's that simple. I thought I knew you, I thought I knew everything about your family, I thought I knew my mom, my grandmother... and it turns out I was wrong.” her voice was shaky as she was on the edge of tears.

Misha didn't reply, still leaning on the bench with his arms crossed.

“I did talk to Mr Adams.” she confessed, still without looking at him.

“Was it helpful?”

“No... he didn't say much. I just realized he really hates you and your mom. He didn't clearly say why though, and I have to admit I'm a bit curious.”

Misha uncrossed his arms and bent over a little so he could see her face, but she was still avoiding his gaze.

“We were living for free in the huge farm he wanted to buy, and your mother trusted us more than him despite his love for her... that's why.” he laughed bitterly shaking his head.

“Is that it?” she was a little surprised... she didn't know someone could hate people and be that mean for such a lame reason.

Misha lolled his head “Well... I wasn't exactly the neighbor of the year, especially when Darius was involved but... does it justify what he did?”

She didn't answer because she didn't know what to say. Mr Adams never admitted he started that fire in 1990.

Misha immediately understood why she was so silent.

“Of course... that's only my word, right? And you don't trust me anymore. You know... I've been mistrusted my whole childhood, and disliked later, everybody was judging me on my lifestyle and not for who I was, but I never thought you'd be one of those people. I thought you knew who I really am.”

She closed her eyes, ashamed of herself. If her grandfather was here right now, he probably would be ashamed of her too, that's the exact opposite of what he had taught her. But still, she couldn't help the awful feeling he betrayed her and was still hiding things from her.

“So what now, huh? What's going to happen for us?” Misha sighed shakily, visibly scared of what she would reply now.

Lily shut her eyes tight. “I don't know... I... I think I need to step back from all of this for a while or I'll end up crazy.” she swallowed the huge lump forming in her throat, not believing what she was about to say to the man she loved more than anything.

That was exactly what Misha didn't want to hear, and he had trouble keeping a straight face, tears threatening to fall already.

“Is that really what you want?” He almost whispered. If he had talked louder, he probably would've broken down in front of her.

But if it was deeply what she needed, he would stand down too, but not without fighting first.

“Yes... I have to, I'm sorry.” tears poured down her face when she opened her eyes, but she was totally unable to look at him when she said that. She needed to go, but she still loved him, and it still hurt.

Misha wiped the tears from his face quickly.

“Have you gone to the farm yet?” he suddenly asked with a determined voice.

She looked at him with a puzzled look, surprised by the sudden change of conversation.

“Uh... No. I didn't plan to, But-”

He stood up fast, stepped in front of her and offered his hand to her. “Can I show you something? If you wanna go after that, I'll let you go. Promise.”

She frowned, looking at his hand waiting for her.

“What now?” she sighed.

“Please. It won't be long.”

 

She looked around her hesitant but finally accepted his hand and stood up.

She owed him that at least.

 

***

In the car, she tried to ask him why he was taking her to the farm, but Misha stayed quiet or replied vaguely. He just said she needed her to see something before taking her final decision.

Oddly, it didn't comfort her at all, it just meant she was right: he was indeed hiding more from her. She was a little scared about what she would find there, and why Misha was being so secretive about all of this.

He stopped the rental car at the end of the road as usual and waited for her to make a move.

“I don't understand what we're doing here” she admitted. “I thought our last trip was the end of all of this.”

Misha looked outside, following the main path with a sad look.

“Yeah... for you maybe. I just want to show you something. After that, it will be over and we won't come back, if that's what you want, but you have to see it first.”

And just like that, she was even more terrified!

She sighed. “Okay, fine... Let's get this over with.”

She went out of the car and Misha led her to the main path. They walked in silence, side by side, and when Lily finally found the strength to look around her instead of staring at her shoes, they were already at the cross path between the pond and the cottage. She could've sworn something had changed since the last time she was here, and she had a very weird feeling but she couldn't put her finger on it.

She didn't say anything at first, but when they arrived at the orchard, she couldn't hide her feelings.

“Hey! Do you see that? It looks like it's been weeded... last time we were here it was a terrible mess!”

Misha simply smiled. “Yes. It's been weeded. Keep walking.”

He kept walking even if Lily stopped to study the area. He didn't sound surprised, which was not good, and she had to run to catch up with him to ask him why.

“Hey! Why do you run like that? What's going on here? Who came here to weed the orchard? Is is Mr Adams?”

Of course Misha didn't answer. “Keep walking, Lily.”

She stopped and crossed her arms. “I'm not taking another step until you tell me what the fuck is going on with _MY_ fucking property!”

She was so angry and so tired of all his lies and secrets, she would have answers, and he would answer _now_!

Misha stopped and turned around to look at her.

“You and your attitude...” he sighed. “Do I have to carry you? You won't believe me if I tell you everything now, so you keep walking or I'll take care of it.”

He stared at her with an insisting and very intimidating, (but still extremely sexy) dark look in his eyes.

“And don't even think about running away, I run faster, you have no chance.”

Lily scoffed.

“Asshole.” she quietly mumbled when she resigned to walk again.

“You'll pay for that.” Misha warned.

 

_Oh... he heard._

He playfully slapped her butt when she walked passed him.

“Did you just-”

“ _Walk_!” he laughed. What was with this place making him so... childish!?

She walked so fast for the rest of the way that she was panting when they arrived in front of the main house where Misha finally stopped.

“Will you at least look at it?” he noticed Lily was looking everywhere but the house. She was currently bending over to catch her breath. He knew she was terrified but insisted anyway.

She rolled her eyes, slowly straightening to take a look at her former home.

“Really this is getting ridic-”

 

She couldn't talk anymore, the air escaped her lungs too fast when she saw her old house completely restored.

Nothing was burnt anymore, everything was clean and painted, the tower was rebuilt, nothing was broken, and the landscape was perfectly tended outside.

It felt like she stepped back in 1990.

“What the... Mi-” she swallowed his name, unable to talk more.

“Alright... don't be mad at me before I explain everything, deal?”

“YOU DID THIS???” she screamed, her eyes popping out of her head.

“Lily... you're being mad at me.” he fairly pointed out.

Actually she didn't know if she was mad, angry, sad, confused, scared, nostalgic or grateful at that moment. She was a walking wreck of emotions.

“I'm... I... Misha what...” she sighed in defeat. Trying to form a sentence was useless right now.

Misha took her hand and realized how shaky she was.

“No, I didn't do this... Well at least not alone. Can we sit a moment?” he offered and sat on the wooden bench near the main entrance.

She followed him and was grateful to sit because she wasn't sure her legs could hold her any longer. When she sat facing the house, the tears ran down her face without her being able to control them, but she tried to sniffle them back.

“I... I really was upset about you planning to sell this place so I talked to my mom and Sasha and they were surprised I wasn't the first one thinking about buying the place. I have to admit it didn't even cross my mind, I don't know why... probably because it will always be yours to me.”

“You... you bought it?”

He chuckled weakly “No, not really. I asked my fans for help actually... Random Acts bought it with their help, and some of them are working with the volunteers to rebuild it. It's not done yet, but they've done a great job so far, don't you think?”

So that's why she had no idea who made the offer a few months earlier...

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because I knew you wouldn't be happy about it until you see the house completely done. It was originally planned for next spring, I wanted to show it to you for your next birthday. It would've also given me more time to find the answers we're still seeking.”

She shook her head and wiped the tears from her face with the back of her sleeve.

“I never signed any papers allowing this...” she raised an accusatory eyebrow toward him.

“Yeah um... I know but you were about to and you were not supposed to see it now so...”

“So you tricked me.” she finished his sentence harshly.

“If that's the way you wanna see it...”

She closed her eyes and shook her head before looking back at her house.

“Misha... you live at the opposite of the continent, what will you do with such a huge property?”

“That's the good part actually” he smiled tenderly. “One of the volunteers working for Random Acts, Lucy, has a project, she wants to create a shelter home for kids and teens. My mom wanna help too. It's the perfect place, Lily... they can work on the farm and live here until they're old enough to start a life on their own.”

She thought about it for a moment and she had to admit it was theoretically really not a bad idea. It actually even felt way better than selling it.

“I told her we would have to wait for your consent of course, but I actually love the idea. This place was everything to me and my brother when we were teens, I guess it would make a huge difference for other young people in need too.”

“I... I don't know what to say.”

He took her hand.

“Don't say anything then... Do you want to look inside? A few rooms are ready, not everything though, but we can definitely visit.”

She looked at him and couldn't turn her gaze away from him all of a sudden.

“I can't believe you did this...” she whispered.

He didn't know if she was happy, sad or mad at that moment.

“Well... I knew you wouldn't do it, but I also know selling the place doesn't feel right to you.”

She never talked about that with him, nobody knew she hated the idea of selling... he just knew her too well, and at that moment she felt like her heart exploded with love for this man, swiping all the secrets he kept from her.

Misha stood up and led her to the front door.

“Uh... do you have the key?” he asked a little embarrassed, scratching the back of his head.

“What? You fucking bought the place, _you_ should have the key!”

“Yes, I should... except Lucy has all the keys and nobody's working here this week because we're waiting for some materials' delivery... and since I left Vancouver in a hurry to find you without planning to show you all of this, I didn't take my keys.”

Her face suddenly fell and her eyes popped out.

“Aren't you supposed to film right now???”

“I am... but like I said... I was fucking worried.”

He left the Supernatural set during filming to jump in a plane to find her??? He was probably in trouble because of her...

“I'm sorry...” she whispered and covered her mouth with her hand.

“It's fine, don't worry. But I'll have to go back tomorrow or they'll probably kill Cas for good this time.” he laughed.

Lily chuckled nervously, opened her purse and handed him the key. He opened the door but didn't step in.

“After you.” he offered.

 

She looked inside and her heart was pounding so hard she thought everybody could hear it in America at least. She stopped in the entry, shocked by what she was looking at.

The wooden stairs were rebuilt and all clean, the high sculpture of two dogs was proudly decorating the room, the same exact paintings were hanging on the dark yellow walls, the old suitcases were still waiting under the stairs, the steel vase was on the small table in the archway except there was no flower in it... everything was exactly like it was in 1990.

“Holy shit...”

“I wanted it to look like I remembered it.”

She didn't say more, she slowly walked further to the kitchen. The white counters, the double stove, the huge silver fridge, the marble center counter with the big pots under, the books, the bar with the view to the backyard, the stools... everything was here!

“Misha how... how did you do that? It looks exactly how we left it!”

“Lots of people and patience, very determined fans, good cleaning tools... and a bit of money does help.” he chuckled. “the breakfast room and Ryan's bedroom are not ready yet though.”

Ryan... God if Ryan could see this... if he could still run inside the house, sliding on the long marble halls laughing his ass off...

 

“There is something I want you to see.”

Lily chuckled “Something else you mean.”

Misha smiled and took her hand to guide her up the tower stairs. Those same stairs that completely burnt and collapsed trapping her mother while she tried to save her children. It even cracked the same way when they stepped on it.

They arrived in the tower, in front of what was her old bedroom. It smelled like fresh paint and fresh wood though.

“They can do whatever they want with the other rooms, but I wanted to do this one myself...”

He pushed the door open before her and she completely broke down crying as soon as she stepped inside.

Of course he had to rebuilt it the exact same way, with the same bed,the same patchwork blanket laying on it, the white sheets, the light garland that made it look like little fireflies, even the dream-catcher she made with her grandfather was hanging on the wall among the pictures of her family.

“Oh my God...” she whispered shakily.

Misha walked right behind her and wrapped his arms around Lily, burying his face in her neck. She raised a hand and placed it on his arm around her when she felt his warm tears running down her skin, so she turned around and hugged him tight.

“Since that fucking night in 1990 I hoped I could come back in this room with you and I knew it wasn't possible... until I ran into you at the airport and you told me you still owned the place. I had to do this, and I had to be here with you at least one last time to say fuck to fate. Now you can decide whatever you want, you can do whatever you want, my impossible dream came true, I'll be okay now.”

Lily sobbed in his arms, holding tight on his chest, unable to speak.

“I can say fuck to Mr Adams at the same time... because he definitely tried to stop me and that's one more reason for him to hate me, but I don't care.”

He pulled away from her just a bit to study her reaction. They chuckled at the same time when they both saw their wet faces.

“Are you mad?”

Lily scoffed “I'm not certain I can define my emotions right now. Look at that! I feel like I'm sixteen again, but without the drama. I just... I can't believe you did this.” she was just amazed and shocked.

“There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for you, Miss Hagen, you should know that.”

He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, leaned his head and softly kissed her lips, savoring every second of it. It's been a whole week since they haven't been that close to each other, and Lily had to admit it felt incredibly good to feel him close.

 

They pulled away but Lily couldn't open her eyes.

“So this is it. Now if you still want to go without me, I will respect your decision, even if I really don't want to.” he swallowed the lump in his throat.

She opened her teary eyes and stepped away from him, walking toward the window to look outside absentmindedly. The view from her room was stunning, she could see the woods and as it was high, she could even see the orchard. It was a very strange sensation to be here after so long, she was forty years old but felt like she was still a teenager inside. The only thing that was missing were her mom and Ryan.

And just like that, she remembered why she came here in the first place, and that someone was responsible for her family's death, Mr Adam's words resonating in her head.

_"He will destroy what's left of your family, which are your properties first... and then you."_

Silence became thick and heavy in Lily's old bedroom. Misha didn't dare talking nor moving, too afraid of what she would say next. He just stood there, facing her back and trying to contain his nervousness while she was looking outside.

It was time to make her decision. Sometimes it's easy, and sometimes doing the right thing hurts like a bitch.

 

This time she knew exactly what the right thing to do was.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes... we're close of the end. I guess a couple more chapters and I'll be done with Lily and Misha (and I'm sad already, I will miss my babies!!)

**Author's Note:**

> As it is my first fic, I'd really appreciate to have some feedback, so please leave a comment :)


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